patientlywaitin

He just passed his first 6mo and things have been relatively wonderful on the sobriety scene. Rehab was rough, getting into recovery a little rocky but now that he has had a home group/sponsor and several months of steady meetings he seems to have himself off to a great start. Our relationship/family life hasn't always been the greatest but the last 3mo (since our last blowout) have been a breath of fresh air.

So why is it that every time there is a bump in the road ie: financial problems, work, family etc... I am always concerned that it could be what pushes him back to his mistress (alcohol) He does not have cravings anymore, says he has not had the urge to drink but yet in the back of my mind I am constantly reminded of the possibility.

I never spoke of my fear until the other day. We were notified that a foreclosure on our home was no longer pending and for the first time since he quit drinking I was able to clearly see an emotion other than anger/resentment. It was awful, not only the fact that we were losing our home but seeing him hurt, feeling like a failure and realizing just how bad his addiction was crushed me. Immediately after I was scared for him, he had to go to work without much time to gather a thought or process the grief and all I could think of was a relapse. Is this going to be the cause? I try really hard not to think about it, I don't allow the idea to prevent anything from happening or act in anyway to soften the blow of life's ups and downs because I think it is important for him to see things for what they truly are... after using alcohol to numb emotions and ignore reality for the last 15yrs I understand he has to learn how to cope and work through life sober.

I contemplated for several days before I come to realize that I think of a possible relapse so much because it terrifies me. If I allow myself to become comfortable/complacent, it will hurt that much more... if and when it ever may happen. Then I'm bombarded with guilt, how could I plot his destruction after everything we have gone through??? I know in my heart I am only rationalizing the existence of the possibility to soften the blow should it ever happen. So I brought it up to my RAH and let him know that it is something I struggle with, to my surprise he said he understood. Im not sure I even understand? I think it coincides with trust/insecurity issues I have been working so hard on since stumbling upon his alcoholism, lies and unfaithfulness.

Just wondering if it's common?

silentrun

He is probably afraid of the same thing himself. You putting it out in the open is good.

MrsDarcy

I think it must be very common. Everyone is different and it may be possible that, in time, you could make peace with the possibility of relapse (because, of course, you can't control that) and carry on with your relationship with your RA in a healthy way, but, speaking strictly for myself, I don't think I can do that. My A isn't in recovery and I don't know if he ever will be, but when I try to imagine what would happen if he was, I still see myself leaving. While I don't have a substance abuse problem of my own, I've spent so much of my life dealing with other people's that I don't think I have it in me anymore to keep dealing with even the possibility. But maybe, I would feel differently if he was working on recovery. Anyway, what I mean is, I think your feelings are 100% normal and very, very common.

CharlieNoogan

If he is an alcoholic, this is less than truthful.

FireSprite

Or he's going through some kind of extended Honeymoon Phase in regard to cravings & urges. My RAH went through something like that & it definitely started to feel like there was mounting pressure the longer he went without hard urges or an actual slip/relapse. A teensy little part of me *almost* wished he would have a small slip because only then would I know what it involved/what to expect, etc. and I could adjust around that information. After you've lived in an environment with an active addict long enough, you start to develop a certain expectation that it's a matter of when, not if, your world will be rocked off balance again.

Crazy-making, for sure, but those habits don't stop just because the other person has had 90 or 180 days of recovery.... not after YEARS of the dysfunction. Nor have I yet met a single recovering spouse that is able to rebuild TRUST in the recovering addict that quickly, which is ultimately what we need above every single other thing. Maybe some never really do & they always hold open the need/possibility for Plan B. I think it's unique to each couple/relationship in terms of time & stages of rebuilding.... depending on the types of abuse, the length of addiction prior to recovery, the type of recovery method being used by each party.

FireSprite

Moments like this are what showed me glimpses of the person I used to know hiding underneath the addict & showed me where recovery was making a difference.


I think it's super common. I didn't really understand that I even HAD safety/trust issues, not fully, until after RAH started his recovery. I thought it was just a matter of him fixing his problems & then realigning back into our life. In reality, everything has changed & no matter where we end up from here the one thing we can never do is go back to the SAME normal. So we are working on a whole new definition separately for our Selves & then together (eventually) as a couple & family. That's no small task.

I will say though, eventually I got to the point where the 3 C's started to sink in for me & I realized that I couldn't control his potential relapse any more than I could control all the things he had done that brought him to this point anyway, and that worrying over it was just creating negative energy for all of us. Letting go of the concern freed up a lot of mind space, I just got to a point where I accepted that IF it were to happen I couldn't know NOW how/when/what the circumstances would be & no matter how much I worry about it or try to deflect it, I won't even know what I'm dealing with until it happens. I kind of gave myself permission to put that idea in a box, on a shelf in my mind to pull out later only if needed.