First timer
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
First timer
Hi All, this is my first time reading anything on this site (I found it during a google search). I am hoping to find a lot of helpful information here.
I have no idea what to do after these past 2 days. My hubby, who works away from home, had been on a bing again since Friday, drinking $100 to $200 a day.
Yesterday was absolute hell, but as it turns out it was nothing compared to today. He took yesterday and today off work by telling his boss his mother was sick just to get to the bar. I was talking to him yesterday morning, he asked for money to be transferred over so he could buy groceries, 15 mins later he was sitting in a bar (at 10:30) for 4 hours, he managed to get home in the afternoon, long enough to pick a fight with me, accusing me of treating him like crap and starting all the issues, then back to the bar it was. Last night when he finally went home, he accused me of cheating and stealing money cause he should have more than he does. Finally he gave up calling and I was able to get some sleep.
Today started with me asking him why he wasn't at work, and that was enough to set him off again. To him this is all my fault, I told him today I cant walk on eggshells anymore, that is it not worth living this life. I couldn't believe what came out of his mouth in response. It scared me to know that someone I was so close to and so in love with can change so much when drinking. I have been begging him to get help for a couple of years now, but he tells me to mind my own business.
i just don't know what to do, I am working on my degree so I can better myself, but right now its just as well to be not doing anything with my life, he downs me for not working, i told him tonight I have phyiso in the morning and he bitched at me how was I planning on paying for it.
i am scared to see what the next step will be.
I have no idea what to do after these past 2 days. My hubby, who works away from home, had been on a bing again since Friday, drinking $100 to $200 a day.
Yesterday was absolute hell, but as it turns out it was nothing compared to today. He took yesterday and today off work by telling his boss his mother was sick just to get to the bar. I was talking to him yesterday morning, he asked for money to be transferred over so he could buy groceries, 15 mins later he was sitting in a bar (at 10:30) for 4 hours, he managed to get home in the afternoon, long enough to pick a fight with me, accusing me of treating him like crap and starting all the issues, then back to the bar it was. Last night when he finally went home, he accused me of cheating and stealing money cause he should have more than he does. Finally he gave up calling and I was able to get some sleep.
Today started with me asking him why he wasn't at work, and that was enough to set him off again. To him this is all my fault, I told him today I cant walk on eggshells anymore, that is it not worth living this life. I couldn't believe what came out of his mouth in response. It scared me to know that someone I was so close to and so in love with can change so much when drinking. I have been begging him to get help for a couple of years now, but he tells me to mind my own business.
i just don't know what to do, I am working on my degree so I can better myself, but right now its just as well to be not doing anything with my life, he downs me for not working, i told him tonight I have phyiso in the morning and he bitched at me how was I planning on paying for it.
i am scared to see what the next step will be.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First, Welcome.
You are among friends and folks who have been similar experiences.
While you are searching, maybe start searching for some local Alanon for you. GREAT HELP, there.
Next, remove yourself from the battles. You cannot win them, anyway. You may likely find that you will only be able to help / take care of yourself and any kids involved.
Cannot really help an active alcoholic.
So as far as taking care of you -- I would like to recommend that you back yourself out of the blast range.
You are among friends and folks who have been similar experiences.
While you are searching, maybe start searching for some local Alanon for you. GREAT HELP, there.
Next, remove yourself from the battles. You cannot win them, anyway. You may likely find that you will only be able to help / take care of yourself and any kids involved.
Cannot really help an active alcoholic.
So as far as taking care of you -- I would like to recommend that you back yourself out of the blast range.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Leahhy))
Welcome to our SR family ~
I hate you are in this situation, but so very glad you reached out for help!!
For me, SR has truly helped me in dealing with my loved ones that are affected by the disease of alcoholism ~
it has helped me understand I am not alone and there are many things I can do to help me.
Al-anon meetings helped me, posting & reading information here on SR, reading recovery literature, and many other things that we learn to do for ourselves helps us when we cannot help them.
It also allows the A (alcoholic) the choice to seek help for themselves when we step out of the way.
Please keep posting & reading ~
Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - you deserve them!
pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Welcome to our SR family ~
I hate you are in this situation, but so very glad you reached out for help!!
For me, SR has truly helped me in dealing with my loved ones that are affected by the disease of alcoholism ~
it has helped me understand I am not alone and there are many things I can do to help me.
Al-anon meetings helped me, posting & reading information here on SR, reading recovery literature, and many other things that we learn to do for ourselves helps us when we cannot help them.
It also allows the A (alcoholic) the choice to seek help for themselves when we step out of the way.
Please keep posting & reading ~
Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - you deserve them!
pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome Leahhy,
Your description of life with an alcoholic is a textbook case, meaning it is a predictable pattern in the alcoholic marriage: the alcoholic does what he wants, justifies his drinking, deflects blame for problems in the marriage onto his wife, demeans her in just the right way--usually by attacking her best qualities--so that she doubts herself and wonders if she is too nagging or controlling, and because the alcoholic has so much power over her mind, he essentially imprisons her. She becomes isolated, afraid, deeply insecure, and depressed.
Get to Al-Anon if you can, collect the free material there. Pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (online bookstores will have it) which will describe right on the page what you are living. Continue going to school. And have zero expectations that he will get sober for you or to keep you in his life. Alcoholics will lose wives, friends, children, houses, pets.....before they give up the drink. The job is what they'll hang onto as long as possible because it pays for the booze. All the rest is seen an an interference to their bond with alcohol.
In Al-Anon you will be able to hear stories similar to yours and you will start to find some answers for yourself. And if you can get to a counselor, I highly recommend that, for you will benefit greatly from some feedback from someone with an objective viewpoint and as well who can help you rebuild your shattered self.
There is just no reason to put up with this abuse any longer. Find some help and start getting well. Waiting for him to change will keep you his hostage.
Your description of life with an alcoholic is a textbook case, meaning it is a predictable pattern in the alcoholic marriage: the alcoholic does what he wants, justifies his drinking, deflects blame for problems in the marriage onto his wife, demeans her in just the right way--usually by attacking her best qualities--so that she doubts herself and wonders if she is too nagging or controlling, and because the alcoholic has so much power over her mind, he essentially imprisons her. She becomes isolated, afraid, deeply insecure, and depressed.
Get to Al-Anon if you can, collect the free material there. Pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (online bookstores will have it) which will describe right on the page what you are living. Continue going to school. And have zero expectations that he will get sober for you or to keep you in his life. Alcoholics will lose wives, friends, children, houses, pets.....before they give up the drink. The job is what they'll hang onto as long as possible because it pays for the booze. All the rest is seen an an interference to their bond with alcohol.
In Al-Anon you will be able to hear stories similar to yours and you will start to find some answers for yourself. And if you can get to a counselor, I highly recommend that, for you will benefit greatly from some feedback from someone with an objective viewpoint and as well who can help you rebuild your shattered self.
There is just no reason to put up with this abuse any longer. Find some help and start getting well. Waiting for him to change will keep you his hostage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Leahhy, sorry for your situation but glad you found this site. You are caught in the classic A (alcoholic) situation right now. When my BF was actively drinking, I got the blame for EVERYTHING. He would find stupid things to pick fights about, and I would get blamed for that as well. I couldn't do anything right. It was only when I started AlAnon and got a counselor that I learned it is typical behavior for the A. He had to blame me, he had to pick fights with me. Those were the excuses he needed to drink. And it kept me spinning.
I learned the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. I learned to detach from his behaviors. I didn't allow him to push my buttons and engage in fighting with him. I didn't take his blaming personally, and didn't respond. It took work, but it got easier with practice, and it made my life a little better.
He won't get help if he doesn't want it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Sad...but true. What you CAN do is take care of yourself. Find a local AlAnon meeting, and give it a try. You don't have to talk, but it helps to listen. You will find amazing support and strength in those meetings, you will be among friends. Keep posting and reading here.
I learned the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. I learned to detach from his behaviors. I didn't allow him to push my buttons and engage in fighting with him. I didn't take his blaming personally, and didn't respond. It took work, but it got easier with practice, and it made my life a little better.
He won't get help if he doesn't want it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Sad...but true. What you CAN do is take care of yourself. Find a local AlAnon meeting, and give it a try. You don't have to talk, but it helps to listen. You will find amazing support and strength in those meetings, you will be among friends. Keep posting and reading here.
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