Concerned Spouse of Wife in corresppondence with male at AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Concerned Spouse of Wife in corresppondence with male at AA
My wife is 60 days sober. Our marriage has been in trouble and we have been in counseling, stopped for a bit but clearly need to go back. I don't know if our best course will be together or separate.
But recently I noticed huge overages one her phone for text messaging, and upped the limit because I knew she had been texting people from AA. But she is now nearly at 900 text messages for the month when she normally sent about 250. I researched the account online, but and found that very few of these text messages are to her female sponsor, but mostly to a male member of AA. I've heard some talk of this person, but was told he's not her sponsor and doesn't sponsor everyone. She does not yet know that I am aware of all her contact with this one person. I've had other people advise me not to jump to conclusions because the way an alcoholic recovers in AA, but I've also heard stories of predator types that go to AA to take advantage or manipulate troubled women looking for help.
The frequency and times of contact are all over the board, and there are photo messages sent as well. I can't see the content of any of this just the times.
This person she is in contact with has a prepaid phone which would make it more difficult to find the identity, but the person has used this number somewhere online and there is no doubt as to the identity of this individual.
How do I find out if this individual has been reported for any predatory behavior or anything about his reputation with the group.
I am determining the best way of discussing with my wife but am quite distraught and want to figure out how to handle this. I know there's the possibility that I'm wrong about any personal or romantic involvement or intentions, but there are enough clues to make me think there is something to this and I'm not just jumping to conclusions.
Again I don't know what will happen with us anyway. It might be that this is the incident that decides what happens going forward in our marriage.
I'm starting to get redundant probably so I'm going to stop here and thank the members of this board for their wisdom and comments on this matter.
All the best to all of you.
But recently I noticed huge overages one her phone for text messaging, and upped the limit because I knew she had been texting people from AA. But she is now nearly at 900 text messages for the month when she normally sent about 250. I researched the account online, but and found that very few of these text messages are to her female sponsor, but mostly to a male member of AA. I've heard some talk of this person, but was told he's not her sponsor and doesn't sponsor everyone. She does not yet know that I am aware of all her contact with this one person. I've had other people advise me not to jump to conclusions because the way an alcoholic recovers in AA, but I've also heard stories of predator types that go to AA to take advantage or manipulate troubled women looking for help.
The frequency and times of contact are all over the board, and there are photo messages sent as well. I can't see the content of any of this just the times.
This person she is in contact with has a prepaid phone which would make it more difficult to find the identity, but the person has used this number somewhere online and there is no doubt as to the identity of this individual.
How do I find out if this individual has been reported for any predatory behavior or anything about his reputation with the group.
I am determining the best way of discussing with my wife but am quite distraught and want to figure out how to handle this. I know there's the possibility that I'm wrong about any personal or romantic involvement or intentions, but there are enough clues to make me think there is something to this and I'm not just jumping to conclusions.
Again I don't know what will happen with us anyway. It might be that this is the incident that decides what happens going forward in our marriage.
I'm starting to get redundant probably so I'm going to stop here and thank the members of this board for their wisdom and comments on this matter.
All the best to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 66
It sounds to me like this has very little to do with AA or this individual and more to do with the state of your marriage. I say that because IF the relationship is inappropriate, if it weren't this guy, it would likely be another. I do agree that jumping to conclusions isn't a good idea, but you may want to bring it up with your marriage counselor one-on-one and ask them the best way to approach this subject with her.
As a recovering woman, I would not appreciate my husband checking up on me in this way, BUT, I know that many husbands (and wives) of alcoholics and addicts have been in the parent/co-dependent role for a long time and it's a natural way of interacting. I'm not saying that you're WRONG in doing it, I am just saying that I would be very defensive about this type of investigation whether I was having an inappropriate relationship or not.
Unfortunately, even if this man has had relationships with newcomers or other women in the group in the past, there won't be any records kept on the group or any other level, as that would be against AA Traditions and everyone is responsible for their own conduct and behavior, including men and women who are new in AA.
In general, I think you may find some peace and serenity for yourself in a fellowship like Al-Anon, where you may find other spouses and family of alcoholics who are or have been in your situation. Whether your marriage survives or not, whether she is having an affair or not, you will probably need some program of your own since it's clear that you are struggling yourself.
As a recovering woman, I would not appreciate my husband checking up on me in this way, BUT, I know that many husbands (and wives) of alcoholics and addicts have been in the parent/co-dependent role for a long time and it's a natural way of interacting. I'm not saying that you're WRONG in doing it, I am just saying that I would be very defensive about this type of investigation whether I was having an inappropriate relationship or not.
Unfortunately, even if this man has had relationships with newcomers or other women in the group in the past, there won't be any records kept on the group or any other level, as that would be against AA Traditions and everyone is responsible for their own conduct and behavior, including men and women who are new in AA.
In general, I think you may find some peace and serenity for yourself in a fellowship like Al-Anon, where you may find other spouses and family of alcoholics who are or have been in your situation. Whether your marriage survives or not, whether she is having an affair or not, you will probably need some program of your own since it's clear that you are struggling yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by KaleSunshine 
IHow do I find out if this individual has been reported for any predatory behavior or anything about his reputation with the group.
There is no way to find this information out. AA is built around anonymity, therefore no records are kept and no "reporting" is formally done. In my experience, someone would simply be asked to find a new home group. Remember, AA groups are led and run by alcoholics...
That said, I would think a simply conversation about it is warranted. Have you asked her what is up? Are you prepared for the consequences of snooping?
I'm going to say something here and I know others will be upset and disagree with me over this - but it isn't all that uncommon to find folks who embrace programs that rely heavily on peer support to struggle to maintain former relationships. You aren't an alcoholic, how could you possibly understand what she is going through? But those folks know...male or female. They understand. I've also heard from many family members who believe AA is not family oriented, because of this. No offense to AA and folks here; this is simply information sharing from one perspective.
So all that said - it seems to me that you have two choices. Talk to her, or don't.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I agree with lovejava. Talk to your marriage counselor first.
Yeah, as a recovering alcoholic myself, being investigated would make me mighty resentful, as I suppose any person would be.
But, as a codependent spouse, I have been where you are.
I cannot comment on her texts to this guy, but it is obvious you need more information, and I think after talking to your marriage counselor, you could get that information from your wife.
I am sorry, I do understand how you are feeling.
Please consider your own program of Al Anon.
It is not about the alcoholic, it is about you and your life.
Beth
Yeah, as a recovering alcoholic myself, being investigated would make me mighty resentful, as I suppose any person would be.
But, as a codependent spouse, I have been where you are.
I cannot comment on her texts to this guy, but it is obvious you need more information, and I think after talking to your marriage counselor, you could get that information from your wife.
I am sorry, I do understand how you are feeling.
Please consider your own program of Al Anon.
It is not about the alcoholic, it is about you and your life.
Beth
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Bring it up in a counseling session with a neutral 3rd party would be my suggestion. I think you ultimately need to reconcile this issue through communication with her. I would not necessarily be freaked out personally, but have no idea whats really going on with your marriage. IMHO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you for all the responses. We do need to discuss with our counselor.
"I'm going to say something here and I know others will be upset and disagree with me over this - but it isn't all that uncommon to find folks who embrace programs that rely heavily on peer support to struggle to maintain former relationships."
@TuffGirl: I've heard this before as well. I hope this is not the case, but I understand that people do need to develop new relationships as well from people who can relate to their issues.
"I'm going to say something here and I know others will be upset and disagree with me over this - but it isn't all that uncommon to find folks who embrace programs that rely heavily on peer support to struggle to maintain former relationships."
@TuffGirl: I've heard this before as well. I hope this is not the case, but I understand that people do need to develop new relationships as well from people who can relate to their issues.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
