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Am I the only one who still gets blindsided?

Old 06-06-2013, 08:23 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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WTBH wow - I agree that letting him upset you is letting him still have control over your life but you know what? That text made ME angry and sad and I don't know the guy from Adam! It's a process for sure to learn to not react emotionally to attacks/explosions like that. Especially when it affects the kids. Progress not perfection, right?

I don't know if this makes any sense at all but... The more he does things like this, the better it is in the long run. The kids are broken-hearted, yes. But they're not stupid. My T keeps telling me that the work is to get the kids internally inside themselves to understand that they are not responsible for their father's behavior. To have them go from "Dad didn't want to see me on Fathers Day, what's wrong with me?" To "Dad didn't want to see me on fathers Day, there's something wrong with HIM." Not in an accusatory way but in a way that they understand that it's not their fault and it may not totally be his fault either, there may just be something wrong with the wiring in him.

And vent away. Seriously. Until you can be all calm and serene-like, it's OK to vent somewhere. Because pretending to be serene when you're wanting to scream just eats up your insides. I'm wearing out an exercise bike and am seriously considering writing a book about my experiences of being married to a B/NPD alcoholic and divorcing him and sharing Children with him. Just to exorcise some demons.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:06 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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The kids are broken-hearted, yes. But they're not stupid. My T keeps telling me that the work is to get the kids internally inside themselves to understand that they are not responsible for their father's behavior. To have them go from "Dad didn't want to see me on Fathers Day, what's wrong with me?" To "Dad didn't want to see me on fathers Day, there's something wrong with HIM." Not in an accusatory way but in a way that they understand that it's not their fault and it may not totally be his fault either, there may just be something wrong with the wiring in him.

Yaaaaaaaas, honey. This exactly.

And I think this is one of the major building blocks for having healthy boundaries. Just because someone you have a relationship with thinks/says/does something doesn't mean you have to approve, go along with, or endorse their behaviors, OR go down with their ship. My son is a little bit older than these girls, but he gets it and has for a long time.

I read somewhere once that kids of NPDs usually go through a period of favor with the NPD parent until they're old enough to express contrary, differing opinions, or opinions that are unflattering to the NPD parent, at which point they're dropped like a hot potato. This happened with DS13 and it was HEARTBREAKING. We worked through it over a couple of years. He's figuring out how to manage life at his dad's house, which is limited by the visitation agreement, by adjusting his expectations and basing his expectations on facts and not wishful thinking.
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