Springs

Hi - I am new here after a trip to the ER opened my eyes to my husband's alcoholism a few weeks ago. We have not been married for long, but were friends first and have been together for over five years. I love him and am so worried about him. What I learned into the hospital made me see many aspects of my life I had been choosing not to dwell on, overlooking, and hoping would go away b/c genuinely very large parts of our life together had been wonderful. I've kicked him out for now but do want to give him a chance to come back and work toward recovery. He says he is serious about recovery but will only see a counselor, and so far won't consider AA or an outpatient program. If he came back he could stay in our spare bedroom but I can't figure out what conditions to set - should they be behavior in the home (respectfulness, boundaries, etc.) or steps toward recovery (which ones at first) or both? I know this has to come from him, but I also want to give him a chance at success at least at first. Gentle advice welcome. This is all very new to me. Oh - I've already started going to Al-Anon and am looking into counseling for myself.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome to SR!

I'm a sober alcoholic (almost five years) and I've been in two marriages to alcoholics. I always think when someone right out of the box is setting conditions on what he is willing to do, to get sober and stay that way, he doesn't really understand the magnitude of the problem and isn't all that committed to recovery.

My own suggestion would be to leave things as they are for a while and see how he makes out. He's already out of the house--let's see if he puts his money where his mouth is before you take him back into the house and have to go through the whole ordeal again. There are some people who do manage to recover with the help of a therapist and no other program. See if he sticks with it, see if he stays sober. If he doesn't, see if he is then willing to consider some of the "rejected" options.

Just a suggestion. It might help you avoid going through this whole "kicking him out" thing again too soon.

Springs

Hi - thanks for the advice.

This is exactly what I'm worried about.

In terms of our apt - he's staying in a hotel and we can't afford that long-term and I'm not ready to move out myself (though I'll keep that in mind). It seems all too sudden to just leave it this way without at least trying something.

DreamsofSerenity

There was a thread a while back about how to tell when an alcoholic is serious about recovery. The OP worked in a rehab and really knew what he/she was talking about. Anyway, he/she said someone ready for sobriety will try anything. They completely surrender and accept all help offered to them. There were also about nine other things on the list that determined readiness for recovery. I will look for the thread now because I think it could help you..

I agree with Lexie about waiting to let him back into the house.

DreamsofSerenity

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...full-crap.html

LexieCat

FYI, when I decided to get sober (I was/am single and living alone) I decided I would first go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days (often suggested as a way to begin, though by no means a "rule"). I promised myself that if I drank again after I started with the 90/90, my next step was going to rehab for a more concentrated dose of recovery.

I never picked up another drink, so I didn't have to put "Plan B" into effect. The point is, though, I was willing to do whatever it took.

At the very least, you might want to let him know that if he drinks again, and remains unwilling to try something more intensive (AA/rehab), that you are not willing to allow him to remain in the home. One thing, though, do not make any threats or draw any boundaries you aren't positive you are willing to follow through on. To the extent he learns you don't mean what you say, he will walk all over your boundaries.

wicked

To me, (recovering alcoholic) when someone has a "but" in there, it means no.
To me he is saying "I am not serious about recovery. I will do it my way."

I say to the alcoholic "Well, your way got you where you are right now."

Time to let the experts take over.

This takes time, and you will need to be strong for yourself.
This is his work, not yours. No need to argue over it at all.
Going to AlAnon and looking for a counselor is excellent work for you about you.


Keep taking care of yourself, learn about boundaries, and keeping doing you. Just you.

Beth

Recovering2

You can't set conditions on his recovery if he's not ready for recovery. My now RABF did the same thing....tried to dictate what he would and wouldn't do. Had great reasons for all the stuff that he knew wasn't for him (AA, etc). Truth was...he just wasn't deep down serious about 100% stopping. If you're in AlAnon, you've likely heard the 3C's by now: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it.

If you want to give him a chance at success, leave him where he's at for now. If he's serious, he'll seek help even if he's living elsewhere. Living together can't be a condition for his sobriety. And Lexie was right when she said be careful about setting boundaries. Don't set a boundary you aren't prepared to keep....he just learns you're not serious about boundaries.