Wanting to Fix Someone Else's Feelings
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Wanting to Fix Someone Else's Feelings
Today my niece, the one that lives with me and my AH, texted me. She stated that CPS was called on her parent’s regarding her six year old brother that still lives at home. CPS was told that her parents are on drugs and are unfit to take care of her brother. I’m not going to get into what I believe is truth or not, nor is it my place to say.
She has a lot of obvious emotion toward this. From what she says, she practically raised her little brother. She woke him up in the mornings and fed him breakfast. She got him dressed and ready to watch his favorite cartoons. She sang him songs and gave him his baths. Ever since she moved in with us the separation from her little brother has been the hardest for her to handle. Her brother has been acting out in school. He has left the house on his own while others were asleep and walked the neighborhood. She knows it is because he is not getting the attention he craves. Now with CPS beginning their involvement she has a whirlwind of emotions. Her parent's are angry toward her thinking that she had something to do with this.
I find myself in a tough position. I try to console her and listen to her. I am not in a perfect place myself with my emotions, so I find it very hard not to take on her feelings. I understand I cannot “fix” her feelings. They are valid and she is entitled to them, but I wish I could just take her pain away sometimes. I tell her to trust in her HP’s path, and I tell her it will all be okay. That is all I really can do.
How can I manage to not take on her feelings, but also try to be sympathetic to her situation?
She has a lot of obvious emotion toward this. From what she says, she practically raised her little brother. She woke him up in the mornings and fed him breakfast. She got him dressed and ready to watch his favorite cartoons. She sang him songs and gave him his baths. Ever since she moved in with us the separation from her little brother has been the hardest for her to handle. Her brother has been acting out in school. He has left the house on his own while others were asleep and walked the neighborhood. She knows it is because he is not getting the attention he craves. Now with CPS beginning their involvement she has a whirlwind of emotions. Her parent's are angry toward her thinking that she had something to do with this.
I find myself in a tough position. I try to console her and listen to her. I am not in a perfect place myself with my emotions, so I find it very hard not to take on her feelings. I understand I cannot “fix” her feelings. They are valid and she is entitled to them, but I wish I could just take her pain away sometimes. I tell her to trust in her HP’s path, and I tell her it will all be okay. That is all I really can do.
How can I manage to not take on her feelings, but also try to be sympathetic to her situation?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How old is she? How did she come to live with you and your husband?
Has CPS removed her brother from the home? Or have they simply opened a file to offer services and monitoring of the family? You can tell her that CPS only does permanent removals as a very very last resort--the goal is always to reunite the family if possible. You can also tell her that CPS usually wants to make sure that siblings remain in contact with each other. It's too soon to know what will happen, but most likely nothing disastrous will happen as a result. If he's six and wandering the streets at night, somebody has to do SOMETHING to protect him.
It's very hard not to just be able to fix things, especially when it's for a child. Maybe Alateen would be appropriate for her?
Has CPS removed her brother from the home? Or have they simply opened a file to offer services and monitoring of the family? You can tell her that CPS only does permanent removals as a very very last resort--the goal is always to reunite the family if possible. You can also tell her that CPS usually wants to make sure that siblings remain in contact with each other. It's too soon to know what will happen, but most likely nothing disastrous will happen as a result. If he's six and wandering the streets at night, somebody has to do SOMETHING to protect him.
It's very hard not to just be able to fix things, especially when it's for a child. Maybe Alateen would be appropriate for her?
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
She is seventeen. She moved in with us toward the end of January this year when my husband had suggested it to her parents after talking to me. The decision came about after numerous events. She was getting into a lot of trouble at home. She ran away to live with her boyfriend at the time. Stop attending school. She was practicing unsafe and advanced sex. Her boyfriend cheated on her numerous times, and after he pushed her down she left. After that she stayed with a friend. From what the parent’s said this friend was to believed to be in a cult. She was in a depression state and threatened suicide. After a heart to heart talk she said she wanted to come live with us. She is doing much better here.
After living with us we are hearing more and more her side of what she has put up with. Even now she says her stomach goes into knots when her dad tells her she should come home. She says that she has so much anxiety about the thought of even stepping foot in that house again. She told me that she was like the blanket that shielded the truth from everybody. Nobody saw what exactly was going on at the house because she cleaned, and took care of her brother. She made the household run, she says.
Al-Ateen would probably be beneficial. I’ll suggest it to her, and see if she would be willing to go. I just checked though, there are only two meeting that are within an hour drive to us. Both of which are times I could not take her to. That would put the responsibility onto my AH. Sometimes he can be counted upon, but others not. It depends on if it’s a binge week or not for him.
I guess I can suggest a regular Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to her too. I had found her a therapist in the area. She went to a session, but I think she is more comfortable with her school counselor. She sees her regularly.
It’s just so hard for me to see her in such pain. At seventeen she should be focusing on school, thinking about friends, and saving up to get her first car. Instead she is worried about her little brother, and receiving hurtful messages from her parents.
All the drama of this has taken me away from my recovery. I find myself losing touch with my peace. How do I have compassion and support without feeling her sadness, or feeling sadness because she is feeling sad? Is that possible?
After living with us we are hearing more and more her side of what she has put up with. Even now she says her stomach goes into knots when her dad tells her she should come home. She says that she has so much anxiety about the thought of even stepping foot in that house again. She told me that she was like the blanket that shielded the truth from everybody. Nobody saw what exactly was going on at the house because she cleaned, and took care of her brother. She made the household run, she says.
Al-Ateen would probably be beneficial. I’ll suggest it to her, and see if she would be willing to go. I just checked though, there are only two meeting that are within an hour drive to us. Both of which are times I could not take her to. That would put the responsibility onto my AH. Sometimes he can be counted upon, but others not. It depends on if it’s a binge week or not for him.
I guess I can suggest a regular Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to her too. I had found her a therapist in the area. She went to a session, but I think she is more comfortable with her school counselor. She sees her regularly.
It’s just so hard for me to see her in such pain. At seventeen she should be focusing on school, thinking about friends, and saving up to get her first car. Instead she is worried about her little brother, and receiving hurtful messages from her parents.
All the drama of this has taken me away from my recovery. I find myself losing touch with my peace. How do I have compassion and support without feeling her sadness, or feeling sadness because she is feeling sad? Is that possible?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it IS normal for her to feel sad, and you, too, but you don't have to feel it FOR her, if you know what I mean. It's her pain to own, and we all have to learn to deal with painful events and circumstances.
Probably the best thing you can do FOR her is to simply be there, as a reliable person whom she can lean on for support. If you give in too much to your own distress over the situation, it actually puts a burden on her of making you feel bad. Know what I mean? Let her know that you love her, and that you will do your best to help her cope the situation. You may have to detach from her a bit for your own sake--which doesn't mean walking away, but rather to recognize the limitations on your ability to "fix" things for her. Try to work on not internalizing it too much.
You are very kind and generous to take on responsibility for this young lady. I'm glad she is getting counseling at school. She probably is old enough to go to a regular Al-Anon meeting, if she is at all interested. Maybe you could explain that we all are sometimes faced with circumstances that make us feel angry and helpless, and that Al-Anon can help us learn not to let those circumstances, and our own emotions, eat us up inside.
Sending hugs to you both.
Probably the best thing you can do FOR her is to simply be there, as a reliable person whom she can lean on for support. If you give in too much to your own distress over the situation, it actually puts a burden on her of making you feel bad. Know what I mean? Let her know that you love her, and that you will do your best to help her cope the situation. You may have to detach from her a bit for your own sake--which doesn't mean walking away, but rather to recognize the limitations on your ability to "fix" things for her. Try to work on not internalizing it too much.
You are very kind and generous to take on responsibility for this young lady. I'm glad she is getting counseling at school. She probably is old enough to go to a regular Al-Anon meeting, if she is at all interested. Maybe you could explain that we all are sometimes faced with circumstances that make us feel angry and helpless, and that Al-Anon can help us learn not to let those circumstances, and our own emotions, eat us up inside.
Sending hugs to you both.
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