luv2teachkids

I feel really really guilty. Last week, I called my husband's probation officer. He had drank the night before (again) when he wasn't supposed to and got out of control. For him, it was (probably, not for sure) the call that woke him up. They called him and asked him for a "random" blood test that would make him violate his probation. From there, he voluntarily checked into rehab. He freaked out when the blood test was requested and said for the first time that he felt he was ruining his life. He said if he didn't get it under control, he was sure he'd die.

Now...a week later, he is being totally honest with me, trying with my kids, and trying with me. He is working his program and has verbalized intentions to continue.

Me? I'm cold. I'm numb. I'm trying....BUT...he is being all honest with me and now I am feeling guilty as ever for making that call. I feel guilty that he doesn't know I made the call. I feel like a liar....I feel like I betrayed him. I don't regret it if it helps him...but, I feel like there is this huge secret between us. I am not a liar...never have been. The truth is killing me..

How am I supposed to handle this?

Shadydeal

Many are going to disagree but I see no reason to tell him! I don't think you did this to hurt him in any way! It apparently helped him. He knew the rules and was breaking them. Maybe it wasn't your place to call but I see no harm done! I do understand feeling guilty but if you can find some peace within I would leave it alone!

luv2teachkids

That is what everyone is saying to me...Just hard to watch if he ends up getting jail time cus of probation violation. BUT...had I not called, he would have continued to drink, would have gotten off probation in a month, and his kids would have come up from Florida for the summer the way things were....and that was a recipe for disaster!

Recovering2

You have children, they are your first priority. You did what you had to do, you owe no one an explanation. They get pulled for random tests all the time, he likely thinks nothing of it. Who knows...maybe if he is willing to do rehab this will be a positive outcome?!

You don't need to tell him, IMO. You didn't do it to be vengeful, you did it out of concern. Don't beat yourself up about that. Let go....Let God.

Hammer

Sure. You probably should . . . one day . . . tell him.

Maybe a year from now. Maybe later. If all is well, you may both be able to look back, laugh, etc. If not, it will not matter.

Been there, done this in a whole other variation myself, some years ago. I guess about 4 years ago. Mrs. Hammer was suicidal -- or at least playing it hard -- wrote notes to the kids and walked out the door. I freaked. I had to either call 911 or her mom. I called her mom. Mom asked me what was really wrong -- I told everything like a scared little bytch. Rightly so, I suppose -- I was. Told her everything. Abuse backgrounds, Mrs. Hammer's alcohol and drugs, self-injury, relapse . . . on and on. About melted her mom down -- but she called Mrs. Hammer and talked her home.

I was so messed up by all that, that I went back into T, started Al-anon, on and on. After about 4 months, and the nod from my T, I told Mrs. Hammer I had ratted her out. Devastated her, as well. Big mess made bigger. But she started back into sort of half-assed T herself. Long story made longer, we wound up moved, Mrs. Hammer in rehab, and on and on.

I guess it all worked out -- but like I tell the folks in Alanon when they ask about "my story . . . " It is not finished, yet.

Dunno. I have added the line "And the wisdom to keep my mouth shut." to the Serenity Prayer.

At any rate -- you are not in any hurry.

marie1960

Go easy on yourself.

I believe your intentions were for the greater good.

Recovering2 is correct, you have children to think of.

These are his actions, his consequences.

You did not do this, HE did.

I would not mention any of this to him at this time, just keep the focus on you and the kids. actually, I do not believe I would ever mention it to him.

I do not mean to sound like a negative person here, but geez, it's only been a week, even those with the best intentions can fail. Addiction just doesn't evaporate.

Sending you support.

You my dear, have nothing to feel guilty about.

Just breathe........

fairlyuncertain

I would suggest not telling him yet. If you attend al-anon, a sponsor can help you figure a good time.

Addicts love to resent & blame people. It's a fantastic excuse to go out and drink. You can't control his drinking, but i think right now he's dealing with the reality of his situation in a healthy way, accepting responsibility.

Why tell him it's YOUR responsibility?

PippiLngstockng

As I see it, you did something that broke a pattern of behavior in your relationship. And now the game has changed. Things are shooken up. Probably for the better! But when things have been moving along in a certain way for years and then you up and do something really different than the way you might have addressed (or not addressed) problems in the past - that can be pretty scary.

I say this having done something similar with STBX last fall. I stepped out of line, did something that was totally needed but would have made him furious with me, and led to him going bezerk.

And at the time I was torn up about it. But honestly and I know sounds crazy - My HP told me to do it! And because I listened to my HP and stepped out of line, everything has completely changed. It was horrible but absolutely necessary!

It may turn out that calling the probation officer was one of the best things you ever did.

FeelingGreat

Luv, I don't want to go against the wisdom of more experienced responders, but what if you did tell him. Not apologetically, but straight out, I had no choice and I'd do it again. At the moment the balance of power has shifted and he's had a big revelation. You've left him at last and he's finally suffering the consequences of his actions. He may be in a better frame of of mind to receive the information now than later on. And he would be put on notice that if he steps over the line again you won't hold back.
If you really want to tell him, and it's safe, don't be apologetic as that will just feed his self-righteousness. You know why you did it, even write it down before you tell him. He was behaving intolerably and you had to step in.

marie1960

There is NO "balance of power" when dealing with an active addict.

WE are POWERLESS in regard to their choices, and actions.

His brain is still under the control of a drug, addicts do not process information like sober people do.

I have to agree, telling him could sabotage what you were trying to accomplish, good excuse for him to return to the bottle.

I would remain silent for now and let the chip fall where they may.

Archangelesk

Many good points here, on both sides. I think I agree that now is not the time. He can't process it as it is intended.

Besides, I think if you have a secret and the reason you want to tell it is to relieve the anxiety you are feeling then that is a pretty good indication that a pause is warranted. You can't unring the bell.

I guess I can just trace a whole lot of dysfunction in my life back to my raging codependent need to say or do things to relieve the grand, sweeping feelings I am having right now that just feel like a terrible emergency. And the truth is, they aren't.

dandylion

Dear luv2teachkids. If your conscience is bothering you---o.k., tell him---10yrs. FROM NOW. Make that comittment to yourself. Then you can sleep with a good conscience that you are going to "come clean"

Just an other suggestion.....

dandylion

firebolt

I've taken the coil wire off the ABFs truck before because I knew what the night was looking like, and I knew he wouldn't know enough to see it was missing even if he opened the hood.

He got in it to go drive and buy more booze. It wouldn't start. He couldn't buy more booze. He couldn't limp it down the road. He couldn't kill anyone because of his poor decision - because the truck wouldn't start.

I put it back on before he woke up in the AM, and before he went out to "fix" his truck.

What do ya know, she fired right up. "Musta been a piece of carbon that caused the fluke last night." Yep.

I don't think what you did is a whole lot different. No harm done - even if he had busted his knuckles wide open trying to "fix" the damned thing that night - still no harm done.

He'll never know that, and I don't feel guilty - not.one. bit.

If your hubs gets jail time, well, he knew that was a consequence of drinking. My opinion is you would be lying to a system that is trying to help him if you didn't call. Give yourself a break - you've earned some peace. xoxo

choublak

Don't feel guilty. He would have been called in for a random blood test sooner or later anyway.

choublak

That's foul to be doing that to her kids like that.

lillamy

You reported a criminal violating the conditions of his probation. That's nothing to feel guilty over. That is being a responsible citizen. Anything else, you would have been complicit to his crime of violating his probation.

LexieCat

I totally get the guilt feelings. I also get that it isn't the reporting that makes you feel guilty so much as the fact that you did it behind his back. Realistically, though, it would not have helped either one of you to have a huge confrontation over your having made the call.

Remember what Step Nine says about amends? "Made direct amends to [those we have harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." The Big Book gives as an example the situation where the alcoholic has had an affair that the spouse/partner doesn't know about. Telling him or her about it in the name of "amends" could cause the spouse/partner unneeded pain, just when he or she is beginning to heal from the destructive drinking behavior. In those cases, indirect amends can be much better for the injured party, who isn't even aware of that particular injury.

So someday, when and if you are so inclined and feel you need to make some kind of amends for your action, you can do it in some other way than just flat-out fessing up. FWIW, I don't think you did anything to harm him--you may, in fact, have helped him. The program DOES have the right to test him at any time, and he is the one rolling the dice on that.

Hugs, try your best to let it go--for now, at least. You can talk to your sponsor about it, if you have one. You've told us. Hopefully your burden is now lighter. There are some that, unfortunately, we are sort of stuck with.

SolTraveler

I would never, ever tell him. I understand why you feel as you do - I would probably feel guilty too, but you had good intentions. Over time, the guilt will fade.

Florence

I wouldn't feel guilty about it, and I probably wouldn't tell him either. He's rolling the dice on the conditions of his probation, and eventually he was going to lose.

Were you being vindictive? Eh, I can't get worked up about it. There's no reward at the end of this thing for our sainthood. We're human, and we're living with a lot of crazy.

SparkleKitty

If the day ever comes when he is ready to hear it, when he can understand that it was not an act of aggression or vindictiveness, and when he can even be grateful that you held him accountable for his actions, I think you'll know. That may be a year or ten years down the line, or, you know, it may not happen. But you shouldn't beat yourself up about it today.

Hugs to you. I think what you did took courage.