Archangelesk

I just mailed my verification form for my divorce complaint to my attorney. I will file for a hearing for exclusive possession of the house next week when my in-laws can be in town when I tell my husband what I plan to do.

We had all been working towards an intervention, but decided, in consultation with our intervention therapist, that intervention was not the right step at this time, because I need to get control over my living situation. I am just too on edge to make one more thing about him.

I am reading Melody Beattie's books, going to personal therapy, reading this site and going to Al-Anon. I am talking to friends who have been down this road and the ones who haven't but are loving me through it. Insight after insight is hitting me over the head. I am done acting on my obsessive and controlling thoughts about this man (I may not be done having the thoughts, but one foot in front of the other). I am eschewing carbs and too much sugar and trying to exercise. I am trying to be disciplined and go to bed before midnight. I am using meditative breathing exercises when the panicky feeling threatens. I am trying to keep my eyes on my children and just soak them up. I am successful at loving detachment over 95% of the time. This is all big progress.

I am drained.

I know that this is the right thing, so I am marching through. But I am so very sad. My denial has been cracked open but my crazy dreams are dying so hard. I keep finding myself staring into space in the middle of research I should be attending to, or an email that needs to be typed or a dishwasher that must be unloaded.

wicked

Oh, Archangelesk, You described this feeling so well.

I just had another visual about roaches. Bear with me.

Your egg of denial that held those crazy dreams was cracked open,
the light of recovery is shining on them,
and, the light fries them into wisps of smoke,
Poof!
these dreams could not survive the real light of day.

That is okay, because now you can make new ones.
Make time to grieve. It will help.
The sadness is part of the healing.

That same sun (light of recovery) will help you grow new dreams when you are ready.

Slow down and take some time to feel the warmth.

Beth

dandylion

Dear Archangel, I applaud your courage and determination to do the right things even though it is so difficult while going through grief and (depression?). Sometimes, the right thing is also the most difficult thing.

Draw strength in the fact that you will not always feel like this. There is a purpose for what you are doing.

sincerely, dandylion

AnvilheadII

sometimes our body/mind connection KNOWS we can only take so much and a safety net of "numb" goes up around us - just for a while, just to help us move through our pain. sometimes staring blankly at the wall IS in our best interest. be good to yourself, hug your kids, maybe it's pizza and pj's night.

be well.

stella27

There will be times like this. Where you wake up wishing everything were different. Just know that your survival depends on acceptance.

Let it wash over you until it becomes a friend.

MamaKit

Archangelesk,
It's funny how our minds and our hearts often get to where they are supposed to be at different rates. Sounds to me like you are getting through this with strength and an open heart. You are doing what you need to do for you and your children and you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings as they come.
I have been where you are in terms of feeling flat...I'm sure I have many days ahead of me as I approach my final divorce hearing where I feel flat. But I must say, I prefer flat over panicky and unbalanced (been there too!).
Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.
Hugs,
MamaKit

Archangelesk

You know what, I am kind of excited to make some room for the type of dreams that can stand the light of day.

No roaches allowed.

Archangelesk

I have a friend who had a situation like mine, although her husband acted out in a manner more extreme and she had double the amount of kids. Things looked pretty bad for her. She has now been divorced a few years. And she is radiantly happy. So you are right. I am not always going to feel like this. I am going to be awesome someday.

Thank you. I always like your comments on this forum.

Archangelesk

It ended up being bath the little boys in a giant bucket on the back deck night. It was fun. I keep trudging and little moments of happiness find me.

Archangelesk

Funny. That was the type of thinking I engaged in about pain when I gave birth. And it was pretty helpful then. I'll try and adapt it here.

By the way, I guess I told my 3.5 year old a bit about his birth story, and the other day he fell and scaped his knee. He was sitting very quietly looking and it, so I went over and asked what he was doing. And he said, "I'm drinking up the pain." Clever kid.

Archangelesk

It is so very much better than panicky and unbalanced. You are right. And I read your post and thought - wow, look at her, I am ready to be in her shoes, heading to a final hearing. Never thought I'd want to go there.

I am sending you warm thoughts on your march. Thank you for your post.

sunnshinegirl

Archangelesk, I admire you. You are very brave. Sending you lots of warm wishes.

MTSlideAddict

I admire your strength. It is tough not only thinking about moving forward (which is where I am stuck at), but to make those thoughts into actions. I understand the sadness, and the pain. Keep the momentum going, and as others stated take some time for yourself to grieve. The sadness will pass. Sending you my support.

Hugs.