LadyInLimbo

Saw my husband on the bus today. Because of the order, he just turned around and sat down. Technically he was supposed to get off, but anyways. I let him see our son, who was with me. I had to take little one to the doctor today. Thought he had diabetes, but he just pees a lot, and we're potty training, so it seems like even more.

Well, we talked for about 15 minutes. Though he's being evicted from our old place, he has such an emotional support system in place. I don't really feel that I have that. And maybe there's something wrong with me; it's not that I haven't been around nice people in the past (I've been around plenty of cruel ones), but I always feel like there's a bubble around me.

I'm reaching out to people in al-anon, but the bubble feeling just won't go away. My heart is broken.

I feel like my husband is not being honest with anyone about what he's done to me. I feel like justice keeps passing over me; people can do what they want and it doesn't ever go punished.

My husband says to me, "I don't have to tell you this, but all I have to do are 32 hours of community service and the charges get dropped." He looked at me like I had actually done something to harm him, especially with regards to his theft situation at work...I think he blames me, because he sent me the item. But there were two missing, and I sent mine back. Why does he blame me?

My chest hurt so badly when I got home today. I just painted and tried not to think.

My husband and my mom are the two people who have hurt me the most, who get supported after doing so, and I am left alone. It makes me feel like no one will ever love me. I try to distract myself and work through it (and I'm creating some beautiful art as therapy), but I can't shake the feeling that I'm wailing inside.

This man put me and my son through years of hell, and while it will take me well over a year to even get a place of my own, he's sheltered, he's supported. It just doesn't feel fair to me after the years of trauma. People who haven't had much to do with him in the past (even his ex-wife) are all gathering around him now. He is still ill, however. And should the combination of diabetes and liver problems kill him, I know I'll be treated like Evita banned from her father's funeral. I'm not a part of his family, because I wouldn't take responsibility for the abuse.

It just hurts too much. Where was his bottom? I've been at mine for years. I'm ready to get out.

marie1960

I am sorry that you are hurting.

My question to you, is what do you need to feel better about you and your life?

This imaginary score card you have in your head is truly holding you back. So what if he hasn't gotten his due punishment? So what if he hasn't had to deal with real consequences of his unacceptable actions? Sometimes we just have to take a huge leap of faith and allow everything to run its course, we have no control or magical power over others, or circumstances. Fear not, in time, things will turn around. The scales of life are always at work.

You have an amazing opportunity here. You get to live your life free of addiction. i would grab the life line and never look back, you don't live in the past ANY LONGER.

CompletelyLost4

I have felt exactly as you have described lately. My AH and I have been separated for 6 weeks, and he has became quite the martyr. All I hear from my MIL and FIL is how hurt he is. Forget about the fact that out of 6 weeks he has been sober for a whopping 8 days straight - the rest he's been a drunken mess. And I guess I am supposed to forget the 13 previous years of hell?

The thing is. . .I know in my heart that I did the right thing, and since I am the only person I can truly control. . .I'm learning to be good with that. And any time I want to start throwing a little pity party, I give my boys a big hug. It reminds me of why I was so desperate to get AH out of the house - my kiddos are innocent victims in this, and they don't deserve it. Like it was mentioned earlier, this is a wonderful, exciting new start for you, absent of the stress and chaos from before. Plus I believe in karma, and I know sooner or later all will be revealed.

LadyInLimbo

I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. And that's making the steps a bit difficult, because what is my higher power? I do not believe in any sort of humanoid entity outside myself that grants anything. I've gotten no dial tone on that line all my life.

I feel like my life cannot be what I want it to be until people like my husband are in places where they cannot reach me. Seeing him today awakened me to the painful realization that no only am I going to be tied to this state until my child is 18, I will have to eventually co-parent with this man. He isn't sorry for what he's done, he just wants to explain why he did it.

I'm not sure what you mean by scorecard. My life has been torn apart by abuse. And because those who have abused me still walk around supported in their actions with no sort of justice done, it'll just happen again. I'm not in any physical or literal position to move away. I would like to see these people either punished for what they've done, or far away from me so I can finally get out of emotional fight-or-flight mode.

What I need to feel better about my life is a fresh start, far away from everyone who has hurt me and who still tries to define me with their abuse. As in Europe. But that's not going to happen. So I have to find away to cope with these people in my life. And I can't see myself being happy like that.

All I've done is go from my husband's house to my mother's. They're both abusive. I guess I'm not explaining it right. I'm sorry.

CompletelyLost4

You are explaining it fine, and honestly - you have every right to be angry. You have dealt with more than I can honestly imagine, and I'm sure the sense of injustice you feel topped with dealing with moving back in and facing the history with your mother/stepfather is brutal. Anger isn't a bad thing - it's just like any other emotion. It's how you react to it that matters.

As for the higher power question. . .that one is tough for me because I believe in God. I may not always like His timing or His answers to my prayers, but I believe He has a plan for me and my children. You have mentioned before that you enjoy art and occasionally exercise. Maybe finding relaxation/peace through meditation or yoga? That may sound hokey, but this question is one I need to think about.

Stay strong for your son.

LadyInLimbo

Art has turned into a form of meditation. I have always liked to create things. Sometimes when I feel anxious I paint, because it takes concentration to keep my hand steady.

I think that little guy and I keep each other strong. He seems to understand me at least, and I'm grateful for that. I hope that he doesn't snore tonight. Random, I know. But he sleeps with me, and he snores pretty loudly.

I'm hoping the strength training can give me the physical endurance to go back to work. Because unless I hear something from social security this summer, I'm going to have to look. I had intended to go back to work anyway. I might just end up jumping in cold turkey.

I used to believe in God. I don't know what happened. Prayer has always been hard for me, and the one thing I've always prayed for...it seems like a basic human right to me. Why deny it? I've never really gotten that answer. But I cannot comment on the experience of another. If you have what I do not, more the blessing to you.

fairlyuncertain

That sucks. Abuse is soul-destroying, and it's really hard to be in that state, where you have been victimized.....and then get blamed by others for causing it!

I truly believe that you just haven't gotten to the good part yet. The part where you keep living your life with integrity and doing your work on yourself, being a good parent, and slowly, other people will begin to see. And those that don't, or blame you, you will realize how sick they are, and how awesome it is that they've "self-deported" from your life.

It gets better. Just keep doing your work. You don't have to believe in god or anything like that. Just keep showing up at the opportunities to heal, like alanon or a domestic violence hotline, or martial arts, and art (maybe your higher power is a muse?). Money might not magically appear (it usually doesn't), but peace might show up! I wish you and your son the best.

owathu

This hits close to home, as I have always wondered, while I am here picking up the pieces, where is his consequence?

Let me tell you something, your husband's consequence is his miserable life. You might be sad right now, but you will pull yourself out of it sooner rather than later. And you get the bonus of not living and being tied to an active alcoholic.

I haven't told anyone this yet. But my cheating Ah came back after his affair partner broke his nose. Like an idiot I took him back, after all, he was "sober" now. Within 2 weeks, he was drinking all day, got fired, didn't do a damn thing around the house. I came home from work everyday hoping he's just go away already. This literally all happened within the last 90 days.

He started flirting with some facebook woman he dated 15 years ago, guess where he is tonight? Out of state to get sober, but his out of state is apparently at a bar in Florida tagged on foursquare with this woman. It's actually laughable at how much of a complete mental case he is. I am so so angry, but glad that he is just GONE. And happy I got the one dog I had to leave behind because he was "his".

You will get over this and move on to a man who is actually present for your relationship. I promise, this is not the end of the world, but the beginning of your new life. Give him back to himself, therein he will find his consequence. A wasted life. Why would you be jealous of that?

peacedove

i second the "his consequence is his miserable life." great statement.

FeelingGreat

This guy still has the power to evoke strong emotions in you, and to talk to him for 15 mins is going to plunge you into the lower depths, so I suggest next time you see him you make sure he leaves your vicinity.
Of course he's going to show you the very best side of his situation. If he admitted that everything he's done so far has failed, where would that leave him? He has at least 2 failed marriages, has abused a child, has convictions for theft (and I assume lost his job), has had the house foreclosed and has gravely damaged his health. But he's doing fine, right?
I'm a lot older than you, and for many of my friends life has played out much further. Those who neglected their children are now desperate for contact, difficult situations have resolved themselves, the ones who have looked after their health are now benefitting, and many have diligently worked their way up to successful careers.
All I can say for comfort is that although times seem bleak now, you have years and years ahead of you, and you can build on firm foundations. Why not draw up a plan of where you want to be in 10 years time and break it down into small achievable steps?

marie1960

Abuse is a dealbreaker in my book.

I have great empathy for what you have endured.

What I was attempting to share with you, is while you are waiting for him to "get his" you are missing out on your one precious life.

We cannot undo the past, but from this day forward, you are holding the cards to your future.

As far as relocating, getting away from him and starting over, it CAN be done. You have the ability to make it happen. Time to put alittle faith in yourself. He may always be the child's father, but he is/ or will be your EX, you get to be done. Whether you believe it today, things will calm down in time, just keep your focus and distance.

Sending you tons of support.

wicked

LadyinLimbo,

Do you really want to be there for his bottom?
If you are close enough to see it, you might still be close enough to be part of it.
Become powerful yourself, you have someone to show how life is lived.
I do not believe for a second you think life should be spent waiting for and maybe even hoping for his very low bottom. It could be his death.
Do not wait Lady.
Do you and do your life.
It awaits you.

Beth

Maylie

I have this talk with my boyfriend a lot because his family are all addicts and are emotionally and physically abusive and they never have consequences for their actions. Instead of having to get a job and actually work they live off the state, people are always offering them money/hand outs, basically they always get bailed out. So when my boyfriend has no healthcare, was having trouble finding a job, he feels alone, etc. it really eats at him that they are such ****** people but they are always getting bailed out.

What I tell him and what I will tell you is that karma is a bitch. Eventually it will all catch up to them, they will eventually burn all their bridges or one day a hand out won't come and they will no longer be smiling. I also tell him that they are not as happy as they seem. Addicts are master manipulators, they will play up their lives to make you feel like crap about yourself or make you wish you never left them just as they exaggerate how bad off they are when they want to get a hand out or money.

One last thing I want to share that really helps my boyfriend feel better is to remind him that we are still building our lives, where we are right this second is not where we will be in a year, or five, or ten. Everyday we are moving forward and bettering ourselves and working to get better jobs and our addicts in our lives are staying in the same spot. Your ex husband will be in the same spot in five years or he might be worse off. So while right now it might seem unfair that he is being helped and he doesn't have consequences, remember that you are moving forward while he is staying in the same spot or going backwards. It is just like the popular kids in high school everyone is jealous of and then people go back at their reunion and they are successful and happy and the popular kid from highschool is still trying to live in the past because their lives peaked in high school.

Keep painting and working out and bettering yourself. Set a goal and keep working towards it because even though time might seem to be moving slow, it is moving and if you keep working on moving forward things will get better with time. You can do this, you are stronger than you think. Have you gone to counseling to talk about your resentments and what is bothering you deep down? It might help to work it out with a professional and they can tell you how to go about letting go of some of the anger. While anger can be healthy, to much can hold you back. I would also limit contact with him as much as you can because the less you know about what is going on with him the better it might be for your mental health.

We can't change the past but we can control today and what we work towards for the future.

theuncertainty

Oh, man, the feeling is far too familiar, Lady. I distinctly remember it and the power it had is still so strong. I believe there are a couple posts from me here on F&F that say I can't deal with this until DS is 18. Our amazing support here (and in RL, too) told me: You won't have to. Things will change. You just have to deal with NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week, next month, x years from now. Just right now.

Either he'll go away, or he'll find recovery (from abusive behavior as well alcohol), or he'll get worse, or YOU (I) will change. Or some combination of those.

I still believe that there is no way I could've continued with things as they were a couple years ago, a year ago. I would've gone over the edge if I hadn't dug deep and realized how strong I was. If I hadn't realized that living through AXH and trying to believe he'd change didn't make me weak; that making it through that ALIVE took incredible strength; that standing up for DS and myself by leaving, then filing for divorce, then pushing for changes in DS's visitation with AXH took an astounding act of courage and strength.

I didn't really set out to do all that. Oh the hope was there, but... I just took it one day at a time. One minute at a time. One breath at a time, sometimes.

Its been 2 years, 5 months since my divorce became final. It's been 1 year since AXH's GF sought a protective order against him and kicked him out. At which time I was able to get back to court and say having the visitations supervised by his GF and family do not work and HERE is why. I asked to minimize visits, the court yanked them until such time as AXH goes back to tell them what he's done to address his drinking and abuse.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I needed to. AXH hasn't even asked to see DS in a year (really, I think it was longer than that. I think GF just kept picking up DS for the visits because she *knew* AXH was a good dad and needed him to be.) But if I hadn't tried, I wouldn't have learned I had the courage to do it.

So, even though I didn't reeeeealllllly believe my F&F who told me it would change. It did.

It will for you too, Lady. Even if your AH doesn't change, your _situation_ will and it will be because of you and your strength and the fact that you're taking steps to protect yourself and kiddo.

Two things a strong pillar of support told me while I was in the middle of the chaos:

Don't quit 2 minutes before the miracle.

You're going to be OK; you already are.

LadyInLimbo

Thanks for the outpouring of support, everyone. I'm really trying to hang on to the al-anon slogan, "one day at a time."

There are many blessings in my life; I'm alive (he could have made good on his threats), my son is flourishing (but I will be glad when potty training is over, LOL), my health is it's own version of stable. I can deal with the pain, and when I can't, the docs here understand and give me my pain meds now. Now more stigma, or else they realize I don't come enough to be an addict myself.

I once wrote in my journal that if my husband were to die, that his family would blame me. And that would be okay, just blame me from a distance.

You are right, he's only going to show me the good side. Even now, he feels like my victim, I could tell in the way he told me about some of the consequences he is facing. He still blames me for his stealing laptops from work. Still in that "everyone else is doing/has" mindset. I had to let go of my perception of my peers' lives a long time ago. My friends haven't had the upbringing I have. And they have their own challenges.

I'm still in a lot of pain today. It's been a quiet day. My son peed in the closet. Highlight of my day, haha. I spent his naptime drawing. It's kind of strange, the things that are coming out of me now, artistically. But I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. There's a place in town that offers pottery painting. Something new now, too: glass fusion. I have always wanted to make my own set of "good china". I've decided that while I'm waiting on social security, while I'm waiting for this school year and next to pass, that I am going to make things to decorate mine and my son's house with. Things that are one-of-a-kind that reflect my style, and will make our little place cozy.

My husband just texted me an hour ago. Apparently his unemployment isn't going to go through, because the state cannot verify his employment. The sheriff will be by to put a lock on the door any day now. I'm going to see if my mom can get the rest of mine and my son's stuff tomorrow. My husband feels so sorry for himself, but doesn't see what he did to us. He just hates that he cannot have access to our son the way he wants. I am stepping back. I am afraid though, of his mentality should he end up homeless. He will get angry, and I don't want him to come after me. Luckily I carry my protective order everywhere.

I have always known that there would be a chance of seeing him on the bus, I just wasn't prepared for it.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.