New here been lurking help me please!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
New here been lurking help me please!!
I don't often get on laptop and mostly read on phone. You all have saved my sanity quite literally it feels so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am in the UK. My alcoholic diabetic husband walked out on me and our 2 little girls 3 and 5 in January after a weekend binge. It pulled the rug out from under me and I have been plunged into a nightmare ever since. Solicitors, counselling ,women's aid,work,money worries, legal issues,contact,,keeping home and children going. NO help at all from him but mortgage payments.
I don't know where to start. You here all know the details of an alcoholic relationship. Reading all the threads here was eye opening to me,Oh my god he's doing exactly what all the others do! They really do all follow some kind of script. He thinks he is special and unique. So did I for a long time.
Trying to keep this short. He cannot just have a few, he has had this drink problem for longer than I have known him (7 Years), he gets absolutely wasted, stays up till 5 am, sleeps literally all day sometimes, the diabetes ohgodhelp him I have been sooo worried for so long.And the lies I am realising I just saw the tip of the iceberg all this time. He is now lying with impunity,about me and our breakup,about his drinking,about money.
He physically assualted me at Christmas, he crossed line with me and i think deep down he knew it, before it was emotional and verbal abuse (which i took). He is seeing the girls at a contact centre but pushing via solicitor for weekends which is where I get terrified. 3 weeks after leaving he crashed his car into someone elses, wrote it off,arrested, missed a custodial sentence by 1point on breathelyser, has 2 year ban and 100 hours community service.
But the biggest mind game that is the reason I am driven to post is his keeping up appearances. He still has his job (no idea how I have been expecting him to lose it for years now,his attendance record is appalling),and is suddenly managing to get up in the mornings at weekends to see his children and attend community service. Well in 5.5 years of having children he never managed this before. Never got up,impossible to rouse from stupour,often slept till girls bedtime the next day.Missed so many occasions and days I lost count.
He is putting on this massive act for everyone that he is a good honourable man and I am a bitter cow stopping him seeing his girls. The day he left he drank a litre of vodka and when I asked why (i know,pointless question) he said 'because I can, because I don't have to do what you tell me any more'
His solicitor says he 'abstained' from drinking for 6 months recently. He stopped (white knuckled) for 3months as I asked him to leave otherwise, then fell off wagon for horrifying 3 week bender, stopped again for 3 months till the horror at christmas replase. WHy would anyone with no drink problem 'abstain' anyway?? Solicitor also says being caught drink driving doesn't prove he has a problem... again WHAT??
So help me see clearly as I don't believe a word he says due to actual lived experience and memory,but now he's living elsewhere i don't know what he's doing and the only contact i have is email. He is playing the game of being utterly reasonable via email for his show.
I am being gaslighted and going slowly mad with doubt and fear. Holding onto my truth and integrity is hard he really is a very clever man. I just want my children to be safe.
If he is cutting down and controlling it now he can't keep it up can he? But people will see his recent behaviour and think he's ok now and that i was lying or exaggerating?
Lost now, thank you for reading if you made sense of this, my space bar isn't working properly!
I am devastated, all I ever did was love my children and love my husband.
I am in the UK. My alcoholic diabetic husband walked out on me and our 2 little girls 3 and 5 in January after a weekend binge. It pulled the rug out from under me and I have been plunged into a nightmare ever since. Solicitors, counselling ,women's aid,work,money worries, legal issues,contact,,keeping home and children going. NO help at all from him but mortgage payments.
I don't know where to start. You here all know the details of an alcoholic relationship. Reading all the threads here was eye opening to me,Oh my god he's doing exactly what all the others do! They really do all follow some kind of script. He thinks he is special and unique. So did I for a long time.
Trying to keep this short. He cannot just have a few, he has had this drink problem for longer than I have known him (7 Years), he gets absolutely wasted, stays up till 5 am, sleeps literally all day sometimes, the diabetes ohgodhelp him I have been sooo worried for so long.And the lies I am realising I just saw the tip of the iceberg all this time. He is now lying with impunity,about me and our breakup,about his drinking,about money.
He physically assualted me at Christmas, he crossed line with me and i think deep down he knew it, before it was emotional and verbal abuse (which i took). He is seeing the girls at a contact centre but pushing via solicitor for weekends which is where I get terrified. 3 weeks after leaving he crashed his car into someone elses, wrote it off,arrested, missed a custodial sentence by 1point on breathelyser, has 2 year ban and 100 hours community service.
But the biggest mind game that is the reason I am driven to post is his keeping up appearances. He still has his job (no idea how I have been expecting him to lose it for years now,his attendance record is appalling),and is suddenly managing to get up in the mornings at weekends to see his children and attend community service. Well in 5.5 years of having children he never managed this before. Never got up,impossible to rouse from stupour,often slept till girls bedtime the next day.Missed so many occasions and days I lost count.
He is putting on this massive act for everyone that he is a good honourable man and I am a bitter cow stopping him seeing his girls. The day he left he drank a litre of vodka and when I asked why (i know,pointless question) he said 'because I can, because I don't have to do what you tell me any more'
His solicitor says he 'abstained' from drinking for 6 months recently. He stopped (white knuckled) for 3months as I asked him to leave otherwise, then fell off wagon for horrifying 3 week bender, stopped again for 3 months till the horror at christmas replase. WHy would anyone with no drink problem 'abstain' anyway?? Solicitor also says being caught drink driving doesn't prove he has a problem... again WHAT??
So help me see clearly as I don't believe a word he says due to actual lived experience and memory,but now he's living elsewhere i don't know what he's doing and the only contact i have is email. He is playing the game of being utterly reasonable via email for his show.
I am being gaslighted and going slowly mad with doubt and fear. Holding onto my truth and integrity is hard he really is a very clever man. I just want my children to be safe.
If he is cutting down and controlling it now he can't keep it up can he? But people will see his recent behaviour and think he's ok now and that i was lying or exaggerating?
Lost now, thank you for reading if you made sense of this, my space bar isn't working properly!
I am devastated, all I ever did was love my children and love my husband.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I have heard stories like yours where they hid it long enough for visitation with the kids and then resumed drinking. My father did that when we were younger.
I wish I had some advice - you must be terrified. I don't know enough about the UK legal system. In the States, we can ask for supervised visitation with addicts/alcoholics. That way, your children will not be alone with him. That could be what you are doing now. However, in the States it tends to work - you aren't trying to keep the kids from him, just keep them safe, etc.
I wish I had some advice - you must be terrified. I don't know enough about the UK legal system. In the States, we can ask for supervised visitation with addicts/alcoholics. That way, your children will not be alone with him. That could be what you are doing now. However, in the States it tends to work - you aren't trying to keep the kids from him, just keep them safe, etc.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First, maybe work on what is good and keep that going?
He is making the house payments, right? That is a good thing (a very good thing, sleeping indoors is a good thing) so let's not damage anything to keep that going.
If it is not too overwhelming, maybe start a list of what it takes to keep you and the children's lives in order. Housing, food, clothing, etc. And what and how do them if he goes completely over the edge, or kills himself (or put in jail for killing someone else) while drunk driving.
In the US model, usually children start school at about 5, and that helps free you up. So by that math, you have two years ahead of you to calmly think things through towards safety and how to make a good life for you and the girls.
As far as the lies, etc. -- we have been through a LOT of that in our house. When Mrs. Hammer came back from rehab it was so bad that our daughter and I made a list to keep them on called 100 Lies in 100 Days. Mom being so nutty was bothering our daughter, so that list gave our daughter (and me) a safe place to keep them.
Our daughter is 10, so it was confusing to her at first. Our 8 year old son came to me and said it was hard to tell which stories were true, as well. 5 year old son is stressed, but has/had not really been targeted -- or so it seems. With your daughters being 3 and 5, hopefully it can blow over their heads.
Do not worry much about others' stories and questions that will come back to you (they will). The folks that want to help will help. The folks that want to gossip will gossip. The folks that want to do damage will try to do damage. Overall it is sort of a excellent character study on the people you know. Lets you choose the "keepers," fairly easy.
went back and noticed this . . .
that caught my eye . . . dunno if you know it, but the term "gaslighted" for your situation is common language in what in the US is called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for short -- not the same as Bi-Polar). If you are dealing with BPD -- a mental illness -- you are dealing with a LOT more than "simple" Alcohol or Addiction. Many folks with BPD also have addiction and alcohol issues.
You will likely need some real help. Start with Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners and we have a discussion thread here on Sober Recovery about BPD >>>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html
He is making the house payments, right? That is a good thing (a very good thing, sleeping indoors is a good thing) so let's not damage anything to keep that going.
If it is not too overwhelming, maybe start a list of what it takes to keep you and the children's lives in order. Housing, food, clothing, etc. And what and how do them if he goes completely over the edge, or kills himself (or put in jail for killing someone else) while drunk driving.
In the US model, usually children start school at about 5, and that helps free you up. So by that math, you have two years ahead of you to calmly think things through towards safety and how to make a good life for you and the girls.
As far as the lies, etc. -- we have been through a LOT of that in our house. When Mrs. Hammer came back from rehab it was so bad that our daughter and I made a list to keep them on called 100 Lies in 100 Days. Mom being so nutty was bothering our daughter, so that list gave our daughter (and me) a safe place to keep them.
Our daughter is 10, so it was confusing to her at first. Our 8 year old son came to me and said it was hard to tell which stories were true, as well. 5 year old son is stressed, but has/had not really been targeted -- or so it seems. With your daughters being 3 and 5, hopefully it can blow over their heads.
Do not worry much about others' stories and questions that will come back to you (they will). The folks that want to help will help. The folks that want to gossip will gossip. The folks that want to do damage will try to do damage. Overall it is sort of a excellent character study on the people you know. Lets you choose the "keepers," fairly easy.
went back and noticed this . . .
I am being gaslighted and going slowly mad with doubt and fear. Holding onto my truth and integrity is hard he really is a very clever man. I just want my children to be safe.
You will likely need some real help. Start with Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners and we have a discussion thread here on Sober Recovery about BPD >>>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am happy you are here, but sorry for the reason you found us. I hope you will make yourself at home by sharing as often as needed.
I have experience with divorce from an alcoholic where children are involved. I didn't learn the first time and repeated the pattern with a second marriage that ended in divorce. In my experience, the alcoholic is going to do what the alcoholic is going to do. I do not have any more control over him after divorce, than I did during the marriage.
I found that during periods of sobriety (the dad), they were Disneyland Dad and kept up their visitation schedule with lots of fun things to do. When the alcoholic is actively drinking, they are too preoccupied to keep up the visitation and stop communicating. I do not push visitation, parenting responsibilities, or communication concerns onto the alcoholic ex. I am powerless to make them into the parent I hope they can be. Instead, I focus on how I can enjoy everyday I have with my children. If the alcoholic chooses to cancel, I let them and do not raise a ruckus. After all, that's another day I get to spend with my kids.
I don't know if your alcoholic can continue to keep up his break from drinking. None of us can predict what the future holds. Some alcoholics do become sober for life, and some do not.
I do know that I can only accept what is happening today as my reality. I have learned not to "borrow from tomorrow".
Do you have a local Alanon group for face to face support?
Stick around, we care about you!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am happy you are here, but sorry for the reason you found us. I hope you will make yourself at home by sharing as often as needed.
I have experience with divorce from an alcoholic where children are involved. I didn't learn the first time and repeated the pattern with a second marriage that ended in divorce. In my experience, the alcoholic is going to do what the alcoholic is going to do. I do not have any more control over him after divorce, than I did during the marriage.
I found that during periods of sobriety (the dad), they were Disneyland Dad and kept up their visitation schedule with lots of fun things to do. When the alcoholic is actively drinking, they are too preoccupied to keep up the visitation and stop communicating. I do not push visitation, parenting responsibilities, or communication concerns onto the alcoholic ex. I am powerless to make them into the parent I hope they can be. Instead, I focus on how I can enjoy everyday I have with my children. If the alcoholic chooses to cancel, I let them and do not raise a ruckus. After all, that's another day I get to spend with my kids.
I don't know if your alcoholic can continue to keep up his break from drinking. None of us can predict what the future holds. Some alcoholics do become sober for life, and some do not.
I do know that I can only accept what is happening today as my reality. I have learned not to "borrow from tomorrow".
Do you have a local Alanon group for face to face support?
Stick around, we care about you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MrsSunshine, it sounds like he is progressing in his disease. Alcoholics can be masterful in their manipulations to look good and shift blame to others. It IS a progressive disease, and you can be assured that he will not be able to keep the good act forever. sooner or later he simply will not be able to keep all his balls in the air.
Don't let him rattle you by his "smearing" of you---the whole bitter, nagging cow thing. Remember that it is his sick alcoholic mind---and YOU know that it is not true. He does not get to define your value!! THIS WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE WASH!!
I know nothing about how the courts work in the UK--perhaps there are others on the forum who do know the UK system. You need all your energy to focus on the legal process of keeping your children as safe as possible.
Mrs Sunshine, I know that this is a terribly difficult time for you. I am so glad that you came here to share with us. I know you will get lots of support from the people, here, who understand what you are going through.
You have done well considering the incredibly difficult circumstances. One step at a time you will get this sorted out. We all have more strength than we ever imagined. You will be amazed at how strong you really are!!
sincerely, dandylion
Don't let him rattle you by his "smearing" of you---the whole bitter, nagging cow thing. Remember that it is his sick alcoholic mind---and YOU know that it is not true. He does not get to define your value!! THIS WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE WASH!!
I know nothing about how the courts work in the UK--perhaps there are others on the forum who do know the UK system. You need all your energy to focus on the legal process of keeping your children as safe as possible.
Mrs Sunshine, I know that this is a terribly difficult time for you. I am so glad that you came here to share with us. I know you will get lots of support from the people, here, who understand what you are going through.
You have done well considering the incredibly difficult circumstances. One step at a time you will get this sorted out. We all have more strength than we ever imagined. You will be amazed at how strong you really are!!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, MrsSunshine. I am glad you shared with us here and hope you continue to find recovery and peace in the midst of the chaos of alcoholism.
FIrst of all, I want to remind you of what you are really dealing with:
Does this sound like something a grown up would say? Because to me, this is more like what a 5 year old says when they aren't getting their way.
And then you go on with this sentence:
Why in the world would you think he's clever? He's not clever, he's dumb. By being an alcoholic, he is giving away all his power. So because he has no power, he bullies and lies and tries to trick everyone else, and yes, initially strangers fall for this routine but not for long. And you know the routine after living with it for so long. Why would you let his behavior upset you?
You see, the choice really is yours, and it is a choice you can make. I would be flabbergasted to hear you say he has more tricks you haven't seen yet. I imagine, if you were really honest with yourself, there is nothing he's done that you didn't expect from him already.
We want to believe in the man we chose as being a good man. Be careful you don't project that fantasy on him. Accepting the reality of the situation allows you to handle it emotionally - shoot even laugh it off as desperate measures from an individual who is so out-of-control that are grasping at anything, including steamrolling you into the ground.
He's an angry alcoholic who is protecting his addiction. Expect more of the same. Understand where it comes from (intense fear of losing the booze) and realize this is not about you, you are just a convenient target.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
Peace,
~T
FIrst of all, I want to remind you of what you are really dealing with:
Originally Posted by MrsSunshine 
The day he left he drank a litre of vodka and when I asked why (i know,pointless question) he said 'because I can, because I don't have to do what you tell me any more'
And then you go on with this sentence:
Holding onto my truth and integrity is hard he really is a very clever man.
You see, the choice really is yours, and it is a choice you can make. I would be flabbergasted to hear you say he has more tricks you haven't seen yet. I imagine, if you were really honest with yourself, there is nothing he's done that you didn't expect from him already.
We want to believe in the man we chose as being a good man. Be careful you don't project that fantasy on him. Accepting the reality of the situation allows you to handle it emotionally - shoot even laugh it off as desperate measures from an individual who is so out-of-control that are grasping at anything, including steamrolling you into the ground.
He's an angry alcoholic who is protecting his addiction. Expect more of the same. Understand where it comes from (intense fear of losing the booze) and realize this is not about you, you are just a convenient target.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
Peace,
~T
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