LadyInLimbo

I've been a bit nippy (understatement) this week. When I came back to live with my mother after leaving my husband, I didn't really address my anger. I was too depressed at the fact that I was "living with my parents" again. It wasn't until about a month later that I started to actually admit that I was angry.

When I lived with my husband, I felt a lot of rage. I kind of want to separate anger and rage, because I feel like rage was much more irrational for me. I was not calm, I was not thinking. But anger is different for me; I can be quiet and still feel a sense of injustice about what I and my son have endured.

Really, my anger has made me think. It's made me think about the domestic abuse situation I endured (and am still disengaging from in a legal sense). I separate my husband's abuse of me from his alcohol abuse. I feel that him using alcohol as the reason why he was so cruel is empty. He was sober each time he threatened me. I am thinking about what I do and do not want, and attempting to draw boundaries so that I can achieve a sense of mental space.

However, I don't always do it right. How do you approach your anger and sense of violation when it comes to the violation that your loved one's addiction has brought to your life? I think it's unhealthy to deny anger. But I don't want to become wrapped up in it, either.

Katiekate

The only way I know to do it is to find a counselor you trust, and work with them, and I do mean work.

I had a lifetime of anger to work through, it was a very rough year, it took a lot of commitment on my part, I hung in, it was worth it.

SolTraveler

I agree with KatieKate - therapy helped me a lot with working through my anger at my parents. That, and time. Time will soften it a lot, although the experience will always be with you.

LadyInLimbo

I'm in therapy. It's been many a year. She did ask me why I seemed angry lately.

I think that maybe my phrasing is off. I read a book not too long ago called the Anger Advantage. It had a very provocative viewpoint. We often view anger as bad, because we equate it with aggression. Women are especially counseled not to get angry. But that leads to problems when we hold it in.

I guess it's something for me to examine. I didn't fully admit until a few months ago that I was angry with my mother for how she abused me. My husband never examined his anger, and all he did was rage.

Therapy is definitely a starting point to find a safe place to deal with anger. I'm kind of detached tonight; looking at mine. What is it telling me that I want or don't want? And how do I express that without invalidating someone else?

SolTraveler

That makes sense, lady. You are right - women are not allowed to express anger when it reveals some very valid issues. I hope your therapist can help you work through your feelings so you can use the anger in a positive way. Sounds like you are on a path to self-discovery.

Dublin

That's an interesting point re women and anger. I feel so much shame over my anger and only ever see it as a negative. There is so much of it in relation to my RA and I find it really hard to deal with. I must look for that book see if it offers me another perspective. I have no wisdom or positive options to share in relation to dealing with the anger but thank you for this thread and I hope you get good feedback from others. Wishing you strength.

LifeRecovery

I viewed my anger as only negative for a long time.

Luckily my work with my therapist showed me differently.....and I am realizing how healthy anger is. For me it is the emotion that means a boundary has been crossed.

My work with my therapist has also shown me that just like any other emotion anger is....it is often the behavior around my anger that may or may not get me into "trouble" not the anger itself.

Finally in the original post you mentioned depression. One thing that helped me was a saying "Depression is anger turned inward, and anger is depression turned outward."

Keep working, recognizing the anger and allowing myself to be with it were the first steps.