Ended relationship with boyfriend again
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
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Ended relationship with boyfriend again
Hi I'm new here and need some support. I've broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and have been no contact for 6 weeks. Initially I was managing ok but over the last 2 weeks I've felt worse. I feel so drained emotionally and physically. I'm determined that this time the break up is permanent as I don't want to spend my life on the roller coaster and have reached the end of my rope. We've been on and off for 5 years and I always end it because his drinking starts to affect me. I've been a member of al anon for 4 years and have had loads of help and support but have never been able to accept him as he is......I always end up affected, he's not physically or verbally abusive (a happy drunk!). I feel very neglected and unimportant by the end, anxious and preoccupied and then when I end it I start to yearn for the good times that we shared which results in confusion. I don't want to go back to him as I know it just causes me pain, done it so often and nothing changes. I just wish I didn't feel so low and drained. Looking for advice on how best to get through this. I've read loads of books and been for conselling but it's as if he has some sort of hold over me. I get so scared of this feeling and just want to be content without him and stop thinking about him so often. I'm 43 years old have no children or financial ties to this man so why can't I just let him go.? Help and advice please.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi Welcome to SR.
Lots of support here for you.
I think its just a matter of time for you.
You know you made the right decision & it is normal to still think about & grieve for him.
Try to focus on you for now & getting healthy again. Get off the rollercoaster.
Do some nice things for yourself & take one day at a time.
Lots of support here for you.
I think its just a matter of time for you.
You know you made the right decision & it is normal to still think about & grieve for him.
Try to focus on you for now & getting healthy again. Get off the rollercoaster.
Do some nice things for yourself & take one day at a time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear brightstar43, I think you may be having grief reaction for the ending of the relationship---and the subsequent loss of your "dreams" for the relationship. Whether it was good or bad, you, no doubt, invested a lot of your self into this relationship---and it would be "normal" to grieve the loss.
I've read, many times, by others on this forum, that the loss of a relationship feels very much like a death. 6 weeks is a very short time for complete recovery from the emotional effects of a break-up---but, probably feels like an eternity, to you.
What helped me following a break-up was to remember all the worst times--when I began to feel sad or longing for the good times. As a matter of fact, I wrote them down so that I could read them over and over when I needed to. Also, trying to stay busy, busy, busy, helped me get through each day. Cry when you need to---it helps to get the feelings out.
I now think of grieving as the beginning of the healing process.
I can tell you, that eventually these feelings fade. Really, it won't feel like this forever.
I am glad that you came here to share. You are not alone.
sincerely, dandylion
I've read, many times, by others on this forum, that the loss of a relationship feels very much like a death. 6 weeks is a very short time for complete recovery from the emotional effects of a break-up---but, probably feels like an eternity, to you.
What helped me following a break-up was to remember all the worst times--when I began to feel sad or longing for the good times. As a matter of fact, I wrote them down so that I could read them over and over when I needed to. Also, trying to stay busy, busy, busy, helped me get through each day. Cry when you need to---it helps to get the feelings out.
I now think of grieving as the beginning of the healing process.
I can tell you, that eventually these feelings fade. Really, it won't feel like this forever.
I am glad that you came here to share. You are not alone.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
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Thanks for the kind words rosiepetal and dandelion. I think what upsets me is that I have no closure as usual. I ended up having to break up by text as he wouldn't speak to me. It makes me feel so ignored and unimportant to him and I wonder if he does this because he knows this silent treatment really gets to me? And it does I feel I have no closure just a total shutdown and withdrawal. He is an avoidant who probably drinks to avoid his feelings. I'm crying tonight and do feel a bit lighter. Tomorrow I'm going to go to an al anon meeting but can get conflicted when I break up with him. It's like I don't want to hear stories from people who have chose to accept the situation and I think why can't I accept it like them? But I know I can't I want someone who will treat me with respect and who can communicate in a more healthy way. I'm an adult child and so is he and have learned it can be a very unhealthy combination. Then part of me thinks that we should understand each other as we have similar childhoods.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
just a thought
Originally Posted by brightstar43 
I get so scared of this feeling and just want to be content without him and stop thinking about him so often.
you may wish to get involved in a church
many churches also have single groups
not that you are looking for a new man in your life
but
just so as to meet some nice sober people
I went to a Christian singles group many years ago
it was a lot of fun and met on Friday evenings
no one was there looking to hook up
just a safe place to be with others on Friday nights
just a thought
from
onehigherpower
many churches also have single groups
not that you are looking for a new man in your life
but
just so as to meet some nice sober people
I went to a Christian singles group many years ago
it was a lot of fun and met on Friday evenings
no one was there looking to hook up
just a safe place to be with others on Friday nights
just a thought
from
onehigherpower
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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What kind of "closure" do you imagine you might have? You broke up with him because he withdraws and avoids. So it's pretty unrealistic to imagine an emotionally satisfying breakup.
Acceptance is a process. You might start with accepting your own sadness that the relationship you hoped for didn't ever materialize. You might also consider the opportunities for growth that you can experience now that you don't have to stress over the relationship all the time. Think about it--you can make plans and have new and interesting experiences that won't be ruined by worrying about what he might do or how he might behave. The fun you had with him doesn't have to be denied, but you needed more than just the occasional fun times. You didn't break up with him (several times) because the relationship was fun all the time. There was a lot of unpleasantness, too, and ultimately those unpleasant feelings outweighed the fun.
dandylion is right--six weeks isn't a lot of time. Healing will come.
Acceptance is a process. You might start with accepting your own sadness that the relationship you hoped for didn't ever materialize. You might also consider the opportunities for growth that you can experience now that you don't have to stress over the relationship all the time. Think about it--you can make plans and have new and interesting experiences that won't be ruined by worrying about what he might do or how he might behave. The fun you had with him doesn't have to be denied, but you needed more than just the occasional fun times. You didn't break up with him (several times) because the relationship was fun all the time. There was a lot of unpleasantness, too, and ultimately those unpleasant feelings outweighed the fun.
dandylion is right--six weeks isn't a lot of time. Healing will come.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Lexiecat thanks for reply. If I'm honest I wanted to be able to say to him that his drinking was forcing me to break up so that he would have a clear idea but he wouldn't allow me to do that. Maybe its too painful for him to admit. i wanted to say that i loved him but he was hurting me emotionally and maybe perhaps to make him choose.The drink has won it most probably would have either way.I think you're right I need to accept where I'm at emotionally at present. I think I don't handle sadness and grief very well. I did cry tonight which is a big thing for me to be able to let the tears come. I've always seen it as a sign of weakness which I now know was faulty thinking on my part. Crying can give you release. I do need to keep the bad times in mind and the way I felt, the anxiety, the confusion and frustration. That's not a good place to be but neither is this.
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I don't know that "making him choose" would make you feel any better. Either he would say he chose you, but not being ready to quit drinking, he would only break your heart again, OR he would "choose to drink," which wouldn't make you feel any better, either. He can't help but choose the alcohol, because it's how he survives.
When I left my second husband, who went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I wrote a lot of long, heartfelt letters to him telling him how I felt. BUT I DID NOT SEND THEM. I knew they would not do any good. So I wrote them, which helped me process the emotions, and then threw them away. The letters were for ME--he would not have benefitted from reading them.
When I left my second husband, who went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I wrote a lot of long, heartfelt letters to him telling him how I felt. BUT I DID NOT SEND THEM. I knew they would not do any good. So I wrote them, which helped me process the emotions, and then threw them away. The letters were for ME--he would not have benefitted from reading them.
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I know that's right. I would end up hurt anyway at the end of the day. I feel I have let my responsibilities go this past 2 weeks and need to get back on track. Then I beat myself up about it and feel shame because I'm not coping better. I seem to lack motivation and energy that may be partly due to having a gum infection following dental extraction and working night shift this past fortnight which always leaves me a bit low. The letter writing is something I have thought about but never managed to do. Wonder why is that? I'm going to make it one of my goals to do this month. Does it really help? Also can anyone tell me do active alcoholics feel pain when a relationship ends or does drink just numb feelings?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
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I am so sorry, Brightstar. But kudos to you for having the courage to let him go and to choose yourself and your own needs and happiness.
I understand what you mean about not having closure - I am that way as well. I need to have a grand finale to feel like it is truly done. But, as the others said, you will probably never get it, especially since he is the avoidant type.
Writing a letter can help. Send it or don't, as Lexie suggested. I personally would not send it if you feel that it might open the door to more anxiety or may make him feel that he has a toehold back into your life. It is over, let it be over. But writing may make you feel better.
And I agree with Dandylion - get angry! Remember the worst things and focus on those when you start feeling sad. Later on, when you are mostly healed, you will be able to look at the relationship in a more balanced way and be able to appreciate the good times. But now is not that time.
Staying busy, as Dandylion said, is also an excellent suggestion.
Each day will get easier. But by bit, you will get yourself back. Stay strong, and keep coming back.
I understand what you mean about not having closure - I am that way as well. I need to have a grand finale to feel like it is truly done. But, as the others said, you will probably never get it, especially since he is the avoidant type.
Writing a letter can help. Send it or don't, as Lexie suggested. I personally would not send it if you feel that it might open the door to more anxiety or may make him feel that he has a toehold back into your life. It is over, let it be over. But writing may make you feel better.
And I agree with Dandylion - get angry! Remember the worst things and focus on those when you start feeling sad. Later on, when you are mostly healed, you will be able to look at the relationship in a more balanced way and be able to appreciate the good times. But now is not that time.
Staying busy, as Dandylion said, is also an excellent suggestion.
Each day will get easier. But by bit, you will get yourself back. Stay strong, and keep coming back.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi brightstar - so sorry for what your going through. As Lexie said, acceptance is a process. And accepting doesn't mean that you're automatically okay with them or that you won't grieve. It just means that you accept the way things are and that you cannot go back or change them. But that's an important part of the process, as is realizing that you do have the power to move forward and be happy again. Stay strong. Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs. 
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I remember the grief of the first months after a traumatic break and all you can think of is when are you going to stop feeling so bad. Why not mark 6 months away on the calendar and look forward to getting there? Crazy and illogical I know, but it's helped me realise there is a brighter future out there.
I know exactly what you mean about the closure thing. You will give a moving speech, he will listen and finally understand (and be terribly regretful as a 'punishment'). Television has a lot to answer for!
I agree with the others that letters can take the place of these imaginary scenes. At least you can stop rehearsing over and over in your head.
Hope sharing on SR has helped a bit. Go well.
I know exactly what you mean about the closure thing. You will give a moving speech, he will listen and finally understand (and be terribly regretful as a 'punishment'). Television has a lot to answer for!
I agree with the others that letters can take the place of these imaginary scenes. At least you can stop rehearsing over and over in your head.
Hope sharing on SR has helped a bit. Go well.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
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Thanks to all who have replied your words have been so comforting. I think accepting where I'm at presently is the key to gradually feeling better. Have felt more positive today got some stuff done and even though I didn't get much sleep have more energy. I will be busy at work over the next few days which will help. This grieving process is new to me, I think in the past I've tended to stuff my feelings and find it difficult to cry. The tears came last nite and I def feel better today. I attended an al anon meeting this morning it was good but don't get much identification with the break up there's no one going through one. I think this forum is great because it reinforces that I have done the right thing. I deserve better than scraps.
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Location: Welland, Ontario
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Dear brightstar43, I agree with all the others.....I don't have much to add except for me the 6th month mark has finally come and wow what a journey....I got no closure at all from my exabf, in fact dropped him off on a monday night with a kiss and I love you...we broke up that week and have never seen him since. All the texts and love letters meant nothing to him, he walked away and avoided me at all costs....and now 6 months later, I'm good!!!! Really, really good. I grieved, I cried, I raged, I despaired, I begged him and God for him to return and now I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN, EVER!!!! You will get there, no contact is key. I recently wrote him my goodbye, appreciatiation for all the good times, and forgiveness for the bad times, but I DID NOT PRESS SEND. It was for me, you got this. Read my all posts. I'm walking with you. Hugs from Canada
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Dear Brokenrose thanks for your words of encouragement. I read some of your posts I was so like that on previous occasions. We broke up, I would call and text and got no response my self worth by the end was zero. I'm in Scotland so should be fast asleep but mind will not calm down. Start work in 3hrs 12 hr shift too. I will get through it though.
I have not contacted him since the break up I know from past experience it would only make it worse for me. I just seem to be ruminating over various details of the relationship. I'm not missing him as much as I used to just can't get it out of my head.
He will not be with anyone else. I think he has an avoidant attachment so scared of closeness. I know he did love me as much as he was able but due to his drinking I found I was settling for scraps and felt like he was making a fool of me. Like you I have a good job and 2 kids to support. It's amazing the amount of people who were amazed I was with him and my friends told me even though they didnt dislike him that I deserved someone who could offer me more. I think he knew this too deep down. I wish I was at the 6 month mark. Although previously I have contacted him after being no contact for months, that kinda scares me as I don't want to end up doing that again. I'm trying to see this as the road to freedom and better things. I know I'm too good for him and it's his loss in the long run. Hugs from Glasgow x
I have not contacted him since the break up I know from past experience it would only make it worse for me. I just seem to be ruminating over various details of the relationship. I'm not missing him as much as I used to just can't get it out of my head.
He will not be with anyone else. I think he has an avoidant attachment so scared of closeness. I know he did love me as much as he was able but due to his drinking I found I was settling for scraps and felt like he was making a fool of me. Like you I have a good job and 2 kids to support. It's amazing the amount of people who were amazed I was with him and my friends told me even though they didnt dislike him that I deserved someone who could offer me more. I think he knew this too deep down. I wish I was at the 6 month mark. Although previously I have contacted him after being no contact for months, that kinda scares me as I don't want to end up doing that again. I'm trying to see this as the road to freedom and better things. I know I'm too good for him and it's his loss in the long run. Hugs from Glasgow x
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