My poor kids.....
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
My poor kids.....
Ok, so I have not posted for quite some time.
I thought I would check in and let you know how it is going in the divorce and give you an update with how it went with the Soberlink device in our lives.
You might remember that the courts impossed the use of Soberlink on weekends we each have the kids. (He is the only one with a drinking problem but I agreed to the weekends I have the kids, to get him to do it) Anyway it went fine for two months and we had no issues. We made it to the kids spring break and my STBXH decided he didn't want to use the system any longer. We had a hearing and decided that if he used the system for the week of spring break while he had the kids and had no issues he could stop using it. Right before the break he called a ex parte hearing and tried to get out of having to use the system, said it made him out to be a criminal. Anyway, the judge decided he had to use it. Well the boys had the best visit with him they every had. He took them to do tons of things. They had fun. No drinking was detected. I was shocked to say the least but thrilled for my kids.
I picked the boys up on a Friday at 5:00pm. He blew his last test at about the same time and then the real fun began. He must have decided to go on a big bender to make up for the week not drinking because by 7:30pm he called the boys and berated my son with a crazy guilt trip because my son had nothing new to say to him after being with him all week. Went on for about 20 minutes (don't worry won't be happening again, just wait for it....).
I had the kids the rest of the weekend and the next week. They went to their Dads again the next weekend. When I picked them up on Sunday at 5:00. They were late to our exchange. The boys rushed to the car looking weird. I asked my older son what was up, and he said we would talk about it in the car. I had my Mom with me for the ride. (1/2 hour ride) Well, my ex saw her and once the boys were in my car starts yelling about how everything is my Mom's fault and he hopes she is proud of herself. He used his big diesel truck to block us in. I drive around him to turn around and leave for home. He reves his engine and positions himself again to block us from leaving. I am somehow able to stay calm and back up and off road it around him. He sat staring for a while like he might follow but peeled out and went home. My boys were very upset and told me they had the worst weekend. He was mean and sneeking drinks on the front porch and my 10 year old saw a costco size emply whiskey bottle in the trash. Supposedly my STBXAH "fell asleep" on the couch at 3:00pm and they had to pack their stuff at 5:00 themselves and wake him up to meet me for the exchange. (Boys are 10 and 5).
Anyway, we ended up back in court. The boys attorney got a call from me and met with the boys. The judge met with my older son and listened to the recording of the phone call where my STBXAH was so mean. (It is court ordered to record) I now have a restraining order and he lost visitation except for supervised for a maximum of two hours a week. He cannot call the house, the boys can call to talk to him if they want. He has to take a parenting class. Now remember he is a police officer so I cannot even imagine what is going on out at his house now. That means they take his gun and his ego must be completely beat up. He hates being told what to do. Well honey, too bad about your luck, you brought this on.
We go back to court mid-May to have a hearing. The judge outright told his attorney that he was sure my ex has not stopped drinking and that how he does in the parenting classes will weigh heavily on the outcome.
There was some debate when I brought up using soberlink. Just want you to know, what peace of mind it gave me while the boys were with him, was invaluable. The backlash when he got to quit was awful, but then again the courts got to see the real him. In the end it was a useful tool.
I kind of felt I was out of the alcohol pan and into the regular divorce fire for a while. That was why I didn't post. But now I feel like I jumped right back into the alcoholic pool with both feet. Yikes! If you have an spare prayers or goods thoughts I won't mind having a few sent my way.
4MyBoys
I thought I would check in and let you know how it is going in the divorce and give you an update with how it went with the Soberlink device in our lives.
You might remember that the courts impossed the use of Soberlink on weekends we each have the kids. (He is the only one with a drinking problem but I agreed to the weekends I have the kids, to get him to do it) Anyway it went fine for two months and we had no issues. We made it to the kids spring break and my STBXH decided he didn't want to use the system any longer. We had a hearing and decided that if he used the system for the week of spring break while he had the kids and had no issues he could stop using it. Right before the break he called a ex parte hearing and tried to get out of having to use the system, said it made him out to be a criminal. Anyway, the judge decided he had to use it. Well the boys had the best visit with him they every had. He took them to do tons of things. They had fun. No drinking was detected. I was shocked to say the least but thrilled for my kids.
I picked the boys up on a Friday at 5:00pm. He blew his last test at about the same time and then the real fun began. He must have decided to go on a big bender to make up for the week not drinking because by 7:30pm he called the boys and berated my son with a crazy guilt trip because my son had nothing new to say to him after being with him all week. Went on for about 20 minutes (don't worry won't be happening again, just wait for it....).
I had the kids the rest of the weekend and the next week. They went to their Dads again the next weekend. When I picked them up on Sunday at 5:00. They were late to our exchange. The boys rushed to the car looking weird. I asked my older son what was up, and he said we would talk about it in the car. I had my Mom with me for the ride. (1/2 hour ride) Well, my ex saw her and once the boys were in my car starts yelling about how everything is my Mom's fault and he hopes she is proud of herself. He used his big diesel truck to block us in. I drive around him to turn around and leave for home. He reves his engine and positions himself again to block us from leaving. I am somehow able to stay calm and back up and off road it around him. He sat staring for a while like he might follow but peeled out and went home. My boys were very upset and told me they had the worst weekend. He was mean and sneeking drinks on the front porch and my 10 year old saw a costco size emply whiskey bottle in the trash. Supposedly my STBXAH "fell asleep" on the couch at 3:00pm and they had to pack their stuff at 5:00 themselves and wake him up to meet me for the exchange. (Boys are 10 and 5).
Anyway, we ended up back in court. The boys attorney got a call from me and met with the boys. The judge met with my older son and listened to the recording of the phone call where my STBXAH was so mean. (It is court ordered to record) I now have a restraining order and he lost visitation except for supervised for a maximum of two hours a week. He cannot call the house, the boys can call to talk to him if they want. He has to take a parenting class. Now remember he is a police officer so I cannot even imagine what is going on out at his house now. That means they take his gun and his ego must be completely beat up. He hates being told what to do. Well honey, too bad about your luck, you brought this on.
We go back to court mid-May to have a hearing. The judge outright told his attorney that he was sure my ex has not stopped drinking and that how he does in the parenting classes will weigh heavily on the outcome.
There was some debate when I brought up using soberlink. Just want you to know, what peace of mind it gave me while the boys were with him, was invaluable. The backlash when he got to quit was awful, but then again the courts got to see the real him. In the end it was a useful tool.
I kind of felt I was out of the alcohol pan and into the regular divorce fire for a while. That was why I didn't post. But now I feel like I jumped right back into the alcoholic pool with both feet. Yikes! If you have an spare prayers or goods thoughts I won't mind having a few sent my way.
4MyBoys
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I for one think you set the standard a sober parent must achieve to protect your children from the ravages of an alcoholic parent. Having had a nasty drunk father and a codi mother that did nothing to protect me, I'm your biggest fan!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
I'm so sorry, he sounds like a bonafide nut as well as one with a lot of issues. Addiction to alcohol only being one of them.
I looked at the soberlink device having never heard of it - no reason to, luckily but it was interesting nonetheless. I can see what a useful tool it became when it wasn't used over when it was in your case. Wow. Your poor boys. The older one probably processing more than he needs to about his fathers rage and other issues, the younger one, more scared and confused than anything. It wouldn't surprise me that your older one feels the need to shelter him during dads 'episodes'. Too young for that crap that's for sure.
I've been laying low from SR for my own reasons and will post an update soon.
Good luck and prayers to you and your boys. You have a lot on your plate these days.
I looked at the soberlink device having never heard of it - no reason to, luckily but it was interesting nonetheless. I can see what a useful tool it became when it wasn't used over when it was in your case. Wow. Your poor boys. The older one probably processing more than he needs to about his fathers rage and other issues, the younger one, more scared and confused than anything. It wouldn't surprise me that your older one feels the need to shelter him during dads 'episodes'. Too young for that crap that's for sure.
I've been laying low from SR for my own reasons and will post an update soon.
Good luck and prayers to you and your boys. You have a lot on your plate these days.
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thanks guys! That made me tear up. It is so weird that this is my new normal, so I really have not told anyone about it. It feels good to finally share. A number of other things happened also but I felt like I was writing a novel.
I just try to keep to the advice my councelor gave me. "Stay the Path". She may have said "Stay on your path." but it might have morphed in my head. If I just keep living my life in the manner I know is right and I am proud of, the truth will come out. It has not been an easy road, but it is a good one.
Any Mom's that want to talk about what you are going through or need advice, don't hesitate to message me.
4MyBoys
I just try to keep to the advice my councelor gave me. "Stay the Path". She may have said "Stay on your path." but it might have morphed in my head. If I just keep living my life in the manner I know is right and I am proud of, the truth will come out. It has not been an easy road, but it is a good one.
Any Mom's that want to talk about what you are going through or need advice, don't hesitate to message me.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
4MyBoys,
Yikes, that sounds like a traumatic experience. But he certainly did reveal himself. Holy smokes! I too was holding my breath as I read your post.
Good for you for how you have handled all of this. My heart breaks for your boys. I'm so sorry that their Dad has let them down again.
I am taking notes on the Soberlink device and how it works in the plan too. I think we are often confronted with setting these rather arbitrary timeframes in which they are allowed to demonstrate they can be trusted. I've struggled with this. But I guess, the truth comes out as your STBXAH has so clearly demonstrated. I've stored this experience away in my divorce database.
You're so, so strong. Count me as a fan club member. Hang in there and stay the course. You've got all of us behind you!
Sending extra hugs for you and your sweet boys.
MamaKit
Yikes, that sounds like a traumatic experience. But he certainly did reveal himself. Holy smokes! I too was holding my breath as I read your post.
Good for you for how you have handled all of this. My heart breaks for your boys. I'm so sorry that their Dad has let them down again.
I am taking notes on the Soberlink device and how it works in the plan too. I think we are often confronted with setting these rather arbitrary timeframes in which they are allowed to demonstrate they can be trusted. I've struggled with this. But I guess, the truth comes out as your STBXAH has so clearly demonstrated. I've stored this experience away in my divorce database.
You're so, so strong. Count me as a fan club member. Hang in there and stay the course. You've got all of us behind you!
Sending extra hugs for you and your sweet boys.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
When my ex was on 24/7 monitoring(he had to go to the jail to blow in a breathalyzer twice a day), I was more than willing to allow visitation with the kids, because I KNEW he had to be sober, or at least nearly so. Once that was over, I could tell in his behavior, and not long after I cut off visitation. Definitely know where you are coming from there.
Hang in there, you CAN do this.
Hang in there, you CAN do this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Wow! You are an inspiration! I had never heard of the sober link device either, and had to check it out. I am just starting divorce proceedings, and one of my main concerns is my STBXAH will be drunk when he has the boys. My boys are 12, 10, 5, and 3 - it broke my heart to read about your boys' bad weekend experience because I know the stress an alcoholic parent has on their children. Adults can tolerate a lot, but after living with an A, it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of how their actions affect their own children. One thing about my decision to seperate - now that we are distanced from the roller coaster of living with STBXAH, when I am forced to deal with him I stop and thank God that I made the decision to walk away - which I'm sure you do, too!
Keep your head up! You are doing what s right for you and your precious boys. You are one strong momma!
Keep your head up! You are doing what s right for you and your precious boys. You are one strong momma!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by 4MyBoys 
Any Mom's that want to talk about what you are going through or need advice, don't hesitate to message me.
4MyBoys
4MyBoys
I am happy things are going well for you, and that the boys are protected. Kudos to you.
C-OH Dad
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
On behalf of all us adult children of alcoholics - THANK YOU
Thank you for doing the Next Right Thing - I know it's not easy, I know it's not comfortable and I know how hard it is to go through all the legal processes to do what is healthy for you and your boys - but it is the brave thing to do and I know that I wish my parents could have done it - (and they both of said they wish they could have) and I wish I could have done it sooner for my girls!
Continued prayers for strength, courage and wisdom as you walk this path for serenity and freedom for you & your boys!
pink hugs!
Thank you for doing the Next Right Thing - I know it's not easy, I know it's not comfortable and I know how hard it is to go through all the legal processes to do what is healthy for you and your boys - but it is the brave thing to do and I know that I wish my parents could have done it - (and they both of said they wish they could have) and I wish I could have done it sooner for my girls!
Continued prayers for strength, courage and wisdom as you walk this path for serenity and freedom for you & your boys!
pink hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
4MyBoys thank you for sharing this. I wish you and the boys the best.
Yes please don't keep anything a secret or think that it is better not to share anything. You have helped many people by living in the solution(s).
This may help me carry your messages, anonymously, to other people in my group.
I am proud of you.
Yes please don't keep anything a secret or think that it is better not to share anything. You have helped many people by living in the solution(s).
This may help me carry your messages, anonymously, to other people in my group.
I am proud of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
4myboys....
You are a true hero. Your boys are so blessed. I know you worry about them and the effect this might all have on them. I've spent many nights lying in bed at night worrying just like you. But as hard as it is to believe sometimes...especially when we are in the 'thick' of things dealing with custody and legal issues surrounding the kids and the insanity of this disease...there ARE BLESSINGS that can come from this difficult circumstance.
Look at the lessons you are teaching your boys. Your teaching them that it IS POSSIBLE to make changes in our lives when it is necessary. You're demonstrating incredible strength. Your teaching them the value and importance of self-determination and healthy living. Many women stay in a bad situation out of fear and codependence. Not you. Nope...You are taking the steps neccessary to improve your life and the life of your precious boys. And they are watching and learning. They are learning recovery tools whether you realize it or not. Like I posted the other night, my son who is now 14 actually told me that in some strange way he is glad for all the things we have struggled through regarding his dad's disease because it has taught him better coping skills for life.
Your counselor is right...stay the path...and just keep taking the next right step. It's hard to see sometimes when we're tired and worn out from the struggle but you have made incredible progress. You should be so proud of yourself. I hope you are.
Give those precious kids a big hug from his SR 'aunties' and 'uncles' that they don't know but who are praying for them and you today...
Mary
You are a true hero. Your boys are so blessed. I know you worry about them and the effect this might all have on them. I've spent many nights lying in bed at night worrying just like you. But as hard as it is to believe sometimes...especially when we are in the 'thick' of things dealing with custody and legal issues surrounding the kids and the insanity of this disease...there ARE BLESSINGS that can come from this difficult circumstance.
Look at the lessons you are teaching your boys. Your teaching them that it IS POSSIBLE to make changes in our lives when it is necessary. You're demonstrating incredible strength. Your teaching them the value and importance of self-determination and healthy living. Many women stay in a bad situation out of fear and codependence. Not you. Nope...You are taking the steps neccessary to improve your life and the life of your precious boys. And they are watching and learning. They are learning recovery tools whether you realize it or not. Like I posted the other night, my son who is now 14 actually told me that in some strange way he is glad for all the things we have struggled through regarding his dad's disease because it has taught him better coping skills for life.
Your counselor is right...stay the path...and just keep taking the next right step. It's hard to see sometimes when we're tired and worn out from the struggle but you have made incredible progress. You should be so proud of yourself. I hope you are.
Give those precious kids a big hug from his SR 'aunties' and 'uncles' that they don't know but who are praying for them and you today...
Mary
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats on a good outcome in court!
Just be very, very careful. That stuff about blocking you in with the truck is scary. I just had to give a presentation on law-enforcement-involved domestic violence, and the danger level often goes up when the job is threatened (with RO, etc.). Be sure to report any threats, harassment, any violations of the order. I don't know whether there has been any history of violence, but if you are at all concerned, contact the DV hotline and get some help with safety planning. Even though they are taking his gun he may still be able to carry on duty, and most cops have ready access to guns if they want one.
I don't mean to sound alarmist or to scare you, and maybe he has never been violent or threatening toward you. It's just something to be aware of.
Just be very, very careful. That stuff about blocking you in with the truck is scary. I just had to give a presentation on law-enforcement-involved domestic violence, and the danger level often goes up when the job is threatened (with RO, etc.). Be sure to report any threats, harassment, any violations of the order. I don't know whether there has been any history of violence, but if you are at all concerned, contact the DV hotline and get some help with safety planning. Even though they are taking his gun he may still be able to carry on duty, and most cops have ready access to guns if they want one.
I don't mean to sound alarmist or to scare you, and maybe he has never been violent or threatening toward you. It's just something to be aware of.
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
If I could hug all of you right now I would! There is so much shame and embarrassment that comes with this type of situation. That I would marry someone like this or someone who turned into someone like this. I was 22 when I met him and was really lured into the whole protector image. It just morphed into something ugly the last few years I was with him once alcohol got int he mix. He is still constantly shocking me with his behavior.
Well C-Ohio Dad, I am so sorry for the oversight! I would love to chat some time. Didn't mean to exclude. Dude I am right there with you!
Lexie- I have plans in place. Remember I was a police wife for 18 years, I picked up a few things! It has been scarier the last two weeks actually not having contact. I have been managing him and his behavior for so many years and could tell when he was cycling for a big blow up (warned my attorney, the kids attorney and the boys councelor that something like this was coming) that it is hard now not having a read on his reaction to my doing something as dramatic as getting a restraining order. He has only spoken to the boys once in the last two weeks. The boys leave messages but he doesn't return their calls. This is after insisting that he speak with them every night. He also has not set up any meetings with the boys for a visit at the supervised center. This non communication is actually scarier than the harrassment.
The boys are loving having a break though. I suggested that they call and tell him about their baseball games. Their response is that it is too late at night. I said I am sure he would like to hear about it and it would only take a minute. My 10 year olds response was, "He did this to himself and we are not required to call him. Maybe he will think about it next time before he is mean." How do you argue with that! They are learning tons by my modeling appropriate behavior and not having to accept it, if someone is not respectful to you. It has taken me almost two years to get to this spot. I was a broken women when I left, but the saying around here about, "It was more painful to stay than to leave." was totally appropriate to me.
I will keep you posted. Love you all.....
4MyBoys
Well C-Ohio Dad, I am so sorry for the oversight! I would love to chat some time. Didn't mean to exclude. Dude I am right there with you!
Lexie- I have plans in place. Remember I was a police wife for 18 years, I picked up a few things! It has been scarier the last two weeks actually not having contact. I have been managing him and his behavior for so many years and could tell when he was cycling for a big blow up (warned my attorney, the kids attorney and the boys councelor that something like this was coming) that it is hard now not having a read on his reaction to my doing something as dramatic as getting a restraining order. He has only spoken to the boys once in the last two weeks. The boys leave messages but he doesn't return their calls. This is after insisting that he speak with them every night. He also has not set up any meetings with the boys for a visit at the supervised center. This non communication is actually scarier than the harrassment.
The boys are loving having a break though. I suggested that they call and tell him about their baseball games. Their response is that it is too late at night. I said I am sure he would like to hear about it and it would only take a minute. My 10 year olds response was, "He did this to himself and we are not required to call him. Maybe he will think about it next time before he is mean." How do you argue with that! They are learning tons by my modeling appropriate behavior and not having to accept it, if someone is not respectful to you. It has taken me almost two years to get to this spot. I was a broken women when I left, but the saying around here about, "It was more painful to stay than to leave." was totally appropriate to me.
I will keep you posted. Love you all.....
4MyBoys
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