TheChef

Hi all,

Thanks to the great feedback that I received in my first post, I have a second one that I feel I need to get off my chest.

Ever since the whole set of crises that I discussed in my first post, I've felt really disgusted, quite frankly, with my girlfriend. I can't even look her in the face. It's not because she's an alcoholic. Heck, I'm a recovering user, so me judging her for alcoholism is hypocritical and it accomplishes nothing. This is something else I can't quite put my finger on. I think that it's because here I am, upset and feeling pretty awful about the whole situation and she just carries on like nothing's happened. She doesn't realize the pain that she's caused, just like how I didn't realize the pain that I caused when I was using. I know these words sound really harsh, and I'm never going to stop caring about her, but I feel that she doesn't really want to get sober all too much, which is why I think that I was trying so hard to take control and get her sober. Sobriety is something that she will have to want, and it's just that she's so blind to how much pain and turmoil that she's caused that really makes me hurt. She says she realizes that she's caused pain and that she feels bad and wants to get sober, etc, but the proof's in the pudding, and she hasn't really demonstrated that she gives a c*ap. I'm listening to the advice that was given to me in my first post and taking a few steps back. It's her life that's on the line, not mine. Yeah, that may sound selfish, but I can't have my own life get screwed up because of her alcoholism.

Starting Monday, I'm going to Al-Anon meetings and I'm going to be speaking to my therapist about this in quite some depth, but I'd just like to hear some feedback from members of this board that have experienced a similar situation or who have some insight to give.

Thanks in advance.

Katiekate

Ummmmm, you don't sound selfish at all.

I hear the voice of recovery.

Have you read Getting Them Sober??

songbird73

i understand your pain. my ex-ab has shown absolutely no remorse for pain caused. his life just travels on with no care to the pain he caused & still causes. as long as he gets his 50% of his son, thats all he cares about. and quite frankly he probably only cares about that so he can pay less or no child support. its not like hes healthy enough to take care of a 2yr old child longer than a few hours by himself but then again, im sure theres another silly woman just dying to play part time mommy to our son & do his part for him...just like i was. your right, they have to come to see it for themselves. and alcoholism seems to blind them to others feelings. recovery (in my little experience) is no better. in the recovery process detachment works great for alcoholics!! of course, they are already detached so it works out great for them. AA teaches them to put themselves 1st - true, they mean their recovery 1st which i get, but you get a selfish detached alcoholic & tell them that to recover they must be selfish & detach & guess what? you get same problems without the alcohol to soften the blows. good luck to you & i hope you find better peace than i have found. my ex is just happily moving on with his happy little life. meanwhile me & my 3 children are emotionally scared & heartbroken. fun thing alcoholism. the alcoholic moves forward with their life while the people around them are left to pick up the shattered pieces & fix them the best they can. hard work that. like you said, the proof is in the pudding. if they seem to not care or see the pain they are causing, its because they dont. all they see is themselves.

CeciliaV

I do harbor resentment towards my AH. It's understandable. While he used alcohol to hide and numb himself, I had to live with it, literally and figuratively. There was no hiding for me. My AH admitted he had an issue for a long time. I played many roles in our relationship - parent (to him and our dog), caretaker, counselor, accountant...all the "adult" roles. I had so many conversations with him that I thought were meaningful and helpful, but he'd always go back to drinking. He went to counseling, but kept drinking. He added IOP, and drank and stopped counseling. Went back to IOP, drank. He found another IOP, but barely went and drank again (or rather, still). Checked himself into rehab, then relapsed a week later. Less then a month after leaving rehab, he checked himself back in. He's there now and has been there about 2 weeks. I've been along for the whole roller coaster ride. I cheered him on in the beginning, but I've retired my pom poms. I have no rah-rah left. I've stepped down from my counselor role - I have enough hats to wear without that one in the mix, and he has counselors and therapists that can do that job.

I have lots of pain and frustration to work through. I'm trying to let go, but it's hard. I'm doing my best to focus on me, which is something I'm not used to - I'm usually a quick study, but this process of my own recovery is humbling! I make mistakes. I don't focus on myself as much as I could. I'm far from perfect. BUT I'm trying. I'm feeling like I'm taking more steps forward than ever before, even if I'm taking a couple steps back here & there - in my book, that's better than standing still in the muck or moving backwards all the time.

So that's my story and my experience in a nutshell. All we can do is focus on ourselves, and we can do our best to be encouraging and supportive of our A's...but it's hard to step out of the counselor or cheerleader role and still be supportive, and they need to do the work themselves and for themselves.

Go easy on yourself. You know from experience how hard this can be for an A, but it's a whole different world and a different type of hurt for loved ones of A's. Keep reaching out for support. Keep posting, keep reading. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

SolTraveler

I know how you feel, Chef. Right now, I could throw my ABF out of the house in a heartbeat. The only reason why I do not is that I don't think it is over... yet. I want to be absolutely sure about what I am doing. I think that time is coming, but it isn't here yet.

I am just that angry, and for the same reasons you stated. His selfishness, his neediness. It disgusts me. I think it is part of healing.

AnvilheadII

I think when partners "share" addiction and one GETS it and the other doesn't, the whole codepency, dammit I dragging into recovery whether you want it or NOT thing kicks in. it did for me. being an addict/alcoholic and choosing recovery is one thing...having a partner who isn't DONE yet and isn't joining you on the bus is a whole 'nother animal.

for hank and I it was crack...blech...and man did it take a long time for me to get to wanting to be done and then saying NO MORE. but he wasn't THERE yet. and I was like, dammit, why don't you get it? like it was an EASY decision to make. like I forgot how resistant I would have been if somebody ELSE told me it was time to quit.

after an impressive display of lack of recovery in action, when I blew my stack after he'd been out blowing thru $300 on his pub crawl home, from about 50 miles away, showing up drunk and me finding coke in his car...I stomped off, left the premises. ready to move out. i'd spent the night pacing, angry, blowing up his phone, anybody's phone, checking the bank account, just out of control.

I knew then CLEARLY I needed to deploy a different game plan. I needed boundaries. I needed a safe center that told me how to respond and how to NOT go there again.

we are both OK today....over 7.5 years clean. wasn't easy. not sure i'd take that ride again.

LexieCat

She simply may not be ready to recover. It sounds to me like she was telling you what you wanted to hear, before. She may come around, but it may not be on your timetable.

Focus on yourself. You aren't obligated to stick by someone until they are ready. Your own sobriety is the MOST important thing in your life. It's natural to want someone you care about to want it as much as you do, but it takes what it takes, as you well know, for each person, individually. Maybe she needs to experience more suffering in her life before she is ready. I had to be pretty darned miserable and desperate before I was ready. Each person seems to have their own pain threshold, and maybe she just hasn't hit hers yet.

TheChef

Thanks for the great feedback! You know, when I was in very, very early recovery three years ago, I didn't even think about the pain that I had caused. I felt more or less like "Hey, my head's clear now, I'm clean! I don't have any cravings! I'm not dopesick! Recovery is awesome!". I didn't actually think about recovery in a real way. As time progressed, I noticed that recovery goes through phases. I've actually quickly jotted these phases down and saved them in a Word file just as a reminder of what the never-ending recovery journey is like.

This first phase that I described was short-lived. I began to adopt a real recovery mindset and think deeply and adjust my life to the sober life. I was soon crushed with guilt and shame for what I did and the pain I caused. It was something that I couldn't let go of for at least a couple of years. Around the third anniversary of getting sober, I finally let go of the guilt and shame of the pain that I caused. It took a LOT of support, church, reflection and sleepless nights thinking about recovery.

What I'm getting at is, when you're using, you never, ever realize how much pain that you're causing your friends and your loved ones. You can be told about this until the cows come home, but it just doesn't register. I figured that because I was aware of this fact, it wouldn't get to me as much as it did when my AGF didn't seem to give a darn about the huge amount of pain she's caused. It did.

The pain that a user or an alcoholic causes to their friends and loved ones always seems to come out of left field, when you least suspect it and need it the least. It always seems to hit the hardest after a happy time or after something good has happened.

I remember when I landed a great job recently, I was on cloud nine, only to have that crushed by my AGF drinking too much and going through a crisis. On top of that, before that night's crisis, we went out for dinner with my best friend of 14 years, whom I haven't seen in 4 years since he moved out of town with him and his fiancee. We had a wonderful night. I remember distinctly how after we got home, I'm talking to my AGF about what a wonderful day it was and how great a time we all had as she knocked back drinks. Then she goes from happy, to angry and confrontational to sobbing and all over the place for the next few hours. I was about to call EMS and have her taken to the hospital for a psych assessment (it was THAT bad). The next morning, she wakes up like everything's just fine, while I didn't sleep a wink that night, worrying about her the entire night. Her big apology and realization that she caused hurt and misery? Making me pancakes. I'm not even joking.

She didn't care then, just as she doesn't care now. I know that with Al-Anon and the support that I'll be getting from many different people and places (including this board), that pain will subside. It will still hurt and take a long while to disappear completely, but it will pass. However, it will pass ONLY with support.

Once again, thank you everyone. Your stories, compassion and understanding are really, really helping me through a rough time.

EDIT: LexieCat, I think that you're spot-on and absolutely right. She may have to hit rock bottom, or her version of it, before she realizes that SHE has to get HERSELF help and not ME getting her help (as she seems to think now). Your post was really outstanding. Thank you so much. I try not to be an emotional guy (typical guy stuff, lol), but your post is making me choke up a bit. Thank you for your support.

LexieCat

Hey, that's what we are all here for.

I get it, trust me. We have all this KNOWLEDGE we've soaked up, and it's frustrating when people we would like to help don't get it. I've had the same experience with other alcoholics I've tried to work with. Sometimes they seem to be off to a great start, and it can be very disappointing when they go "back out". Still, I don't have any control over their recovery. I'll be around if they come back and want it, but I don't go trying to force it on anyone. It's much harder, I think, when it is a loved one.

Anyway, you sound like you are on the right track. Al-Anon was a real life-saver for me when I needed it.

Papo79

Whoa! It's like you read my mind. LOL. I just posted something very similar. You're not alone.

Tuffgirl

Chef, welcome to SR. I've not spoken on your threads before...glad you are here and sounds like the perfect place for you to be in right now.

I have to ask why the idea of being judgmental accomplishes nothing? To me, it accomplishes a lot - specifically weeding out unhealthy people to date and eventually marry (if that is your end goal). Why not be judgmental? And in this case, shoot, I'd recommend you continue to be very judgmental (which I think is a harsh word, but its yours so I am going with it) about the kind of woman you date.

I prefer the term discernment, defined as the ability to judge well. I have plenty of discernment in dating men these days. It's not necessarily about me passing judgment, its about me passing on unhealthy and toxic people in general! That's ok! That's actually good!

With all due respect - you are in a completely different place then this young lady is in her life. It's necessary for your own self preservation to back away from the addict and not allow yourself to fall down the rabbit hole right along with her.

Don't feel bad or guilty for being turned off by someone else's addiction. You already know what that life is like firsthand. If I were in your shoes, I would feel the very same way.

Peace,
~T

HappySoberMe

Second that motion!