Avalon393

I am starting to understand my codependent voice a little better. After yesterday's post I kept imaging my xab sad, and lonely and hurt, waiting for me to text him and take care of him again. My friends and family kept looking at me like I was crazy and saying there was no point in feeding his ego and playing into his delusion that he's living happily ever after with me gone. (I thought they still just didn't understand him) Until- I realized I had yet to delete him from my instagram account (some of you may be familiar with instagram) but he posted a picture of himself showing that he's buzzed off his hair, so he looks exactly like he did fresh out of jail. (I do hair and had just worked hard to give him the awesome haircut he asked for, free, 2 weeks ago). He had a vicious smile on his face and wrote "smile and everyone will wonder what your up to". YES-they will, after 2 years on formal probation, theft charges, and a heroin addiction. They will wonder. I feel like that was directed towards me but who knows. That was definitely a reminder of who I'm really dealing with though & i'm glad I didnt give him any more of my power. I had a dream the other night that I thought was very significant as well. I have alot of resentments towards his parents for being so hush hush about his problems. They are money hungry functioning alcoholics who led him to believe its normal to drink every night. They also hired a nanny from Mexico to raise all of their children, and the xabf being the youngest spoke Spanish as his first language when his real parents didn't know a word of it. Red flag in my book. Either way, in my dream him and I had gotten back together and I couldn't find him. I went to his parents house, and they said they wouldn't tell me where he was until I poured them both a jack and coke. My Ex's drink of choice. This cycle continued until I was in tears and they were laughing hysterically at me making them drink after drink. I woke up feeling awful. My uncle said it correctly- It's as if everyone is seeing things in the big picture and I am focused poking at it through a magnifying glass looking for something good or loving. Again thanks for listening. I just feel like my eyes are starting to open a little for once.

SparkleKitty

What a brave post. I have been right where you are -- couple of times, actually -- and looking back, I see that I often projected what *I* was going through on others, which kept me tied into a relationship relapse cycle that was so hard to break. It's amazing what a little distance, perspective, and the presence of people who really love you can bring. Keep up the good work.

Avalon393

Thank you. I just visited my dog and found out via the roomate that my exabf is drinking even more heavily every night. meeting up with random woman from this dating site, thinks he's going to meet his soulmate on there, and is convinced that I have been breaking into the house and stealing stuff everyday? No wonder I havnt heard from his family they probably all think i'm crazy. What a monster.