Audi

So my husband is an alcoholic, we have been separated for close to a year. He tells me that he does not drink anymore, that he did drink too much when we were together, but that he does not anymore. He says that I made him believe he was an alcoholic but now he knows he was not. I know the truth, that he is still drinking and is just lying.
What my question is though, he says he went AA (not sure if this is true) and that his sponsor told him he was not an alcoholic. So he now says he is not an alcoholic and there is no need for him to go to AA. Would someone in AA actually do this? He obviously has a problem and is in severe denial over this. I'm sure he's just lying but just wanted someone else's opinion. He makes me feel seriously crazy sometimes. Thanks...

newme2013

My AH used to tell me he was going to counseling and that the counselor told him that I was the reason he drinks and he was not really an alcoholic. He actually would leave the house at a certain time each week and pretend he was at counseling. He said the counselor told him he only had to keep coming to learn how to deal with his crazy wife. Then he would come home and tell me everything the counselor said which was basically he had no problem. I'm the problem. I did not believe any counselor would tell him that. I found out later there was no counselor. He never even went to his first appointment. Your husband is very likely lying. Lying and trying to make us feel crazy is what they do best.

deeker

No one can decide but the problem drinker himself. And until he does decide for himself he is not going to stop. Have you thought about al-anon? You should take care of yourself especially if his drinking is affecting your peace of mind. Al-anon is a great support group and will help you learn how to detach from his behaviors with love.

Hammer

Hey! Welcome. Great First Post!

To tell the truth --- you have me laughing out loud.

Mrs. Hammer is back a little over 100 days from Rehab, and my daughter and I are laughing (sort of) that we are getting the 100 Lies In 100 Days treatment.

What I have learned --

All Addicts Lie.

First they Lie About their Addiction.

Then they Lie to Cover their Addiction.

============

Lying -- The NEW Addiction!

Best to you.

dandylion

:rotfxko:rotfxko:rotfxkoDear AUDI, Were his lips moving when he told you this???

If they were--you have your answer.


sincerely, dandylion

Freedom1990

I come from both sides of the fence as a recovering codependent, and a long-term (22+ years) recovering addict/alcoholic.

My suspicion is he is lying to you. I also know from experience as a sponsor myself over the past 2 decades that I can't work with someone who isn't willing to do the work. I cut those sponsees loose quickly and tell them that when they are ready to do the work, they have my phone number and they know where to go.

There are people out there who are willing, and my time is better spent working with those gals.

Sending you hugs of support!

petmagnet

[QUOTE=Audi;3907869]So my husband is an alcoholic, we have been separated for close to a year. He tells me that he does not drink anymore, that he did drink too much when we were together, QUOTE]

I would venture to say anyone who admits that they were drinking too much when you were together has a problem with alcohol. It's just a round-a-bout way of saying it. And anyone who would then back pedal and say they are no longer a "problem" drinker because so and so at AA told them the are not is full of it. In my experience, if the drinking is causing problems at home or in their life in any way, then it's time to give it up. And, if its "not really a problem" there wouldn't be an issue or a fight to keep the alcohol in their life. My AH and I went round and round for years about that exact same thing. It's just another form of denial, and even after we went to a marriage counselor(s) and heard it from them he continued to deny. Now 10 years later he admits he's an A but isn't willing to give it up. He even uses AA as a catalyst to go drink! Cuz it's soooo depressing! I swear alcohol makes them nuts eventually. My guess would be he's lying, as they all do- to get what they want at the moment, and it sounds like he's trying to rein you in...be cautious my friend!

CeciliaV

if the drinking was a problem for you, then it was a problem. Whether he admits to being an alcoholic is neither here nor there. You know your truth. In his heart, he likely knows this too...but he doesn't want to admit it you or or himself.

fairlyuncertain

Mine spent time in AA before we knew each other, but he 'didn't really need it.'

I spent a few years hearing that he didn't have a problem. Then for a few years, he had a problem, but the problem was just my attitude making his drinking seem dysfunctional (how my attitude passed him out in his own vomit, i'm not sure...). then i left. then he went to aa and said he had HAD a problem, but it's all better now b/c he went to aa. Then he said he wasn't really IN recovery then, but NOW, he's FINE.
Alcoholics only have one problem, it's always in the past, and it's never their fault.

Hammer

Yes, yes, indeed.

Only ONE problem. It must be: (drum roll, please) YOU! OR ME! etc., etc. ad nauseum.

Then the "solution" must go like this . . . .

Here Let Me Help! I can remove that problem! Good bye.

Crazed

Audi-

All joking aside- my guess would be that he is not telling the truth. My EXAG lied all the time. She even lied when she didn't have to. Sometimes they lie to minimize things. Sometimes they twist the truth just enough to make themselves look better. Or sometimes they just bold face lie. The amount of lying that I have endured (and so much of it believed) is amazing. In hindsight, I am starting to see it as embarrassing for the things I believed.

Hammer

Crazed!!!

You are doing SO good.

Amazing. Gonna pass me and leave me in the dust.

Crazed

Thanks!

.....But I still miss the good parts of her. Very much. Sadness, then anger, over and over.

Hopeworks

Speaking of lying lips ...

I dated a guy and the relationship was going South and I was getting ready to pull the trigger and mosey on down the road when he told me the devastating news that he had been diagnosed with cancer.

I couldn't "leave" when the poor guy had cancer ... so I stuck it out with him for 6 months while he went to chemo and radiation faithfully. We never went out because he felt so bad from the treatment (he never liked to go out much anyway).

At about 6 months I started getting suspicious ... his hair never fell out and he didn't act to concerned about his cancer and he was always so vague about details. Turns out the a@# never did have cancer and I have no idea where he went when he was supposed to be at the hospital getting cancer treatments!

This happened about 15 years ago and I ran into him a year ago and I couldn't help but give him a hard time... I said " Why if it isn't so and so... I heard you died of cancer years ago! I tell you that you just can't know what to believe these days anymore!".

He turned beet red and told me he was sorry.

Blah, blah, blah.

Liars.

steve11694

Whatever he tells you should be taken with a grain of salt. Truth is unless you can independently verify what sponsor said, simply allow it to pass from L to R ear and than out.

steve11694

Actually there exists ample and well defined medical criteria for the diagnosis of alcoholism (DSM4) or maybe 5 by now.

Thus a health care professional evaluating someone for alcoholism can very well diagnosis it.


Google "DSM alcoholism"

wanttobehealthy

First I was going to find a picture of the biggest duck I could and post it here and just write "QUACK!!!!" bc it's so clear when I am reading someone else speaking about being told these things, that it is denial/projection/lying etc...

But then I realized that I have spent nearly 10 years slowly thinking I was losing my mind over the very stuff you write of and I didn't want you to think I was minimizing or making a joke of your distress...

Without a bit of exagerration I can assure you that I have been told every one of the statements your estranged AH is telling you and have felt every bit as confused, crazy, lost and looking for answers as you. Alcoholism is a disease that makes the alcoholic behave in terrible ways toward those closest to him/her both when under the influence and not. My xAH loved to tell me that unless he was beating me (which eventually he did do) words/lies/gaslighting/crazy making behaviors were a figment of my imagination and I chose to let them upset me and there was nothing wrong with him behaving as he did.

Rather than have the sense to kick his a$$ out years ago, I tried to talk rationally to him and explain how the same statements your AH is making to you, were totally illogical. Save yourself the trouble and trust me that your AH will believe and does believe what he is saying bc he is invested in protecting the disease. It brings him more enjoyment than misery for now and so until the pain of it becomes greater than the temporary reward he gets from drinking, he WILL lie, blame shift, gaslight, and will tell you, family and friends all the nonsense you list he's said above.

I have experienced, sadly that most people who have not lived extensively with an alcoholic will be easily bamboozled by the blame nonsense such that your AH and mine spew. And of course any active alcoholics (my xAH's family are all alcoholics/enablers so they are mired in denial) will play along and blame you too because otherwise they would have to look at themselves.

I am so sorry you're having to listen to the nonsense he is telling you.

There is no way a sponsor worth their weight would tell him any such nonsense that he claims he was told.

The "I used to have a problem & now I don't" is a line I heard more times than I can count. It's a rationalization to keep drinking. That's all.

You know your truth and reality. Try to just limit any engagement with him so that you can keep your sanity.