whiplash

My AH has reached a new low this week in his battle to draw me into the illness. He's informed me that he just doesn't think he can be married to someone who won't "grow" and "change" and accept him as a newly reformed social drinker. (yes, this is a man who used to drink at breakfast, daily) When I write this down or say it out loud it actually makes me laugh. It's so absolutely ridiculous, but I really don't think he even has a clue how asinine it sounds. "Let me drink or I'll leave." As if I ever had the power before to stop him!

So I'm curious. Has anyone else around here ever had someone leave them because their boundary was not being able to live with active drinking? I told him several months ago I wouldn't live with it (when he was actively sober and working on it) and he's been bullying me and pushing and trying to change that boundary for the past few months. I think he may be pushing too hard this time, though, because I've just about had enough.

Any input would be much appreciated!

myles1

Sorry, I had to laugh reading what he said to you.

They are so ridiculously stupid most of the time.

Of course he wants to change that boundary and he'll try his best to do it.
By saying that he's trying to scare you into changing that boundary.

He could leave, alot of them do. They don't like to lose their enabler.

Ngaire

whiplash

I'm so glad you saw the humor in it, too! I was really upset when it first happened, but I actually laughed out loud the first time I told a friend what he had said. It certainly loses its power once I see how ludicrous it is.

myles1

Oh it's totally ludicrous.

Think of it this way, the ludicrousness of it shows how POWERLESS he actually feels and is.

The more ludicrous they become indicates the powerlessness they are feeling.

Ngaire

whiplash

That's a really good way to put it. I hadn't thought of it that way. It does seem so desparate, like he's just grasping at anything to try to justify things.

Patsyd1

Hi Whiplash,

I am a grateful member of AA and Alanon. I would like to share with you as a recovering alkie myself, that when we are into the disease in our own head, whether or not we are actively drinking, we manipulate, lie, and blame people, places and things for just about anything at all. When I was active I would spend hours just (obsessed) "thinking" about how I was going to drink, where I was going to drink, when I would get that drink...... and anything or anyone that came between me and my drinking, had to be threatened, sweet talked, blamed, manipulated, conjoled, and I would just plain rationalize it all away in my own mind, in my own sickness so that I could do exactly what I NEEDED to do and what I was going to do no matter what........DRINK.

They do not call alcoholism an illness for nothing, and this illness centers in the mind. What your husband is doing is setting up the blame game, and he is doing what he has to do so as to stay where he is in denial, and in the mind (active or not) of a sick and suffering alkie, he is rationalizing that it is ALL your fault, and he will go on trying to manipulate and lie right to your face so that when the time comes, and it will........he can then pick up a drink, and simply say......SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!

Whiplash, it can very difficult to watch someone's illness and denial, and have to accept that there isn't a darn thing that you can do about him, his thinking, his actions,his behavior or his words, yup, that can be tough to deal with.

I would suggest strongly attending as many Alanon meetings as you can, take care of the only thing that you can take care of ....YOU.

Yes we are absolutely powerless over what THEY do..... but we are not powerless over what we do. Allow him to take responsibility for his own stuff, its his and you do not have to touch it. The choice is yours.

This disease is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful...... and we have absolutely no control over them or their disease, or what they choose to do with it or not. That choice is his and his alone.......let him own it.

He is going to do whatever it is that he is going to do, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Try to keep up front that this is about your recovery, and your recovery has absolutely nothing to do with him and his choices or lack there of.
Don't Even Notice I Am Lying = denial

Whiplash, when you are dealing with your husband and his disease, picture a very large bandaid on his forehead, because I can share with you that the disease of alcoholism is calling all the shots in his life, and that is his problem. We have choices to make in our own lives, to keep the focus on ourselves, and our own recovery.........whether they choose to or not.


Love
Patsy

kodfishy

Absurd, isn't it?

My AH, sober for just about 8 weeks, left me because he said I made him feel guilty for what he had done (had an affair when we had a newborn, wrecked our new car, got arrested). The boundary was something along the lines of that he would stay as long as I never ever mentioned that any of this had happened or that I was hurt by it.

Then he called me seven days after he moved out and said he had realized that the guilt had moved with him. He asked to come back, but by then the absurdity wasn't funny anymore and I was over it.

The drinking will be a problem no matter where you AH goes. If he leaves you to drink alone, he'll still be an A.

whiplash

Wow. I'm floored. You guys are just wonderful. I know it's been said before, but it just amazes me to find people who understand exactly what I'm talking about. Patsy and Kodfishy, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. It means the world to know that I'm not alone. I know these things logically but sometimes I feel very isolated and it's hard to remember that I'm NOT crazy, no matter how much he'd like me to believe that. Thank you. This helps so much.

journey1

i am going through a seperation right now, 7 weeks and my ah already found a new party girl. we spoke the other day about our marriage. now he has 2 choices. first go to recovery and try and make our marriage work or stay with a party girl and party any time he wants. he hasn't answered me, he still went out that night and got drunk and then the night after with his girl. the alcohol is too powerful, he cried and said he loved his family but he also said the alcohol pulls him the other way. that's why they say families, wives and children suffer most because it is so powerfull. he wants to stop but his body and mind want the alcohol. it s too bad. he is very sick. and with me not being a drinker i always set myself up for failure because i didn't know better. i thought i could change him. now i am learning about alcoholism and about my codependency and it makes me understand where he stands. he's not a bad guy, he is just very sick. and this is a progressive diesease.

whiplash

Hi journey. It sounds like you've got a difficult situation. I'm sorry and I hope you're going ok. Thanks for reminding me about the progressive aspect. I try to ignore that part sometimes because it scares me to think of what might happen next. I know I just need to accept that, and, thinking of it as progressive explains why he seems even more irrational this time than ever.

McKrazy

whiplash,
It's downright scary to me sometimes to hear what my husband has and does say to rationalize the drinking. And the scariest part is that in the past and sometimes briefly I "buy" it and start doubting..... "maybe this isn't the problem I though it was" , "maybe I am the problem....." Yeah, right! If had brown skin and wore a red dress with "budweiser" on the front, I would at least resemble the "problem"! Here is where I have so often gotten clarity and those resounding healthy voices that scream, "no, it IS a problem", "you are NOT crazy" , and "stay strong". So, to you I say, "stay strong" and keep coming back! Pam

whiplash

McTired,
Thanks for the laugh -- your red dress comment really cracked me up I will stay strong, or at least try to. It helps to have all of your here know exactly what I'm talking about. When I get isolated and alone it's hard to remember that I am sane. I will definitely keep coming back here.

splendra

Whiplash,

I am praying that you keep your boundry. Stay strong!!