New here advice please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 6
New here advice please
Hi,
My fiancé just got back from treatment around the 13th of march. Since then to make a long story short he has attended one aa meeting and has seen a counselor 3 times in the last week. I am confident that he has not been drinking however he has told me he hates his life and doesn't want to be here anymore. I'm also 5 months pregnant. I have spoken to him about medication and discussing this with his therapist bc he is horribly depressed and he refuses to consider medication. I also have a daughter in the home and our fighting is a really bad one about once a week. We have calm conversations and I think we make headway only to find our later I think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I love him and want to be supportive. I know you cannot push someone to the next phase of recovery.
My fiancé just got back from treatment around the 13th of march. Since then to make a long story short he has attended one aa meeting and has seen a counselor 3 times in the last week. I am confident that he has not been drinking however he has told me he hates his life and doesn't want to be here anymore. I'm also 5 months pregnant. I have spoken to him about medication and discussing this with his therapist bc he is horribly depressed and he refuses to consider medication. I also have a daughter in the home and our fighting is a really bad one about once a week. We have calm conversations and I think we make headway only to find our later I think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I love him and want to be supportive. I know you cannot push someone to the next phase of recovery.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
This is a wonderful place of support, information and encouragement. I hope you will make yourself at home.
Sobriety through rehab is not an instant fix to a bad situation. It is the first step in a long road to recovery from addiction. I wish people became *normal* after putting down their drug of choice, but it doesn't work that way. The addict has to learn to face everyday life on life's terms with out escaping into the numbness of their addiction. Life can be overwhelming when faced in full sobriety.
Addicts need at least a year of recovery to reflect the changes in their lifestlye.
The good news is that there are resources for you to begin your own personal recovery from living with his addiction. There is this forum, filled with wisdom and open 24/7. There are alanon meetings in most communities as well as online options. Alanon is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics, and they helped me to find a happy healthier me after living with my husband's alcoholism. I also used self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" in finding my path to recovery.
Keep coming back, we care about you and your family.
This is a wonderful place of support, information and encouragement. I hope you will make yourself at home.
Sobriety through rehab is not an instant fix to a bad situation. It is the first step in a long road to recovery from addiction. I wish people became *normal* after putting down their drug of choice, but it doesn't work that way. The addict has to learn to face everyday life on life's terms with out escaping into the numbness of their addiction. Life can be overwhelming when faced in full sobriety.
Addicts need at least a year of recovery to reflect the changes in their lifestlye.
The good news is that there are resources for you to begin your own personal recovery from living with his addiction. There is this forum, filled with wisdom and open 24/7. There are alanon meetings in most communities as well as online options. Alanon is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics, and they helped me to find a happy healthier me after living with my husband's alcoholism. I also used self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" in finding my path to recovery.
Keep coming back, we care about you and your family.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
welcome to SR - glad you found us, but sorry for what brought you here. It sounds like you have your hands full with a baby on the way, a little one in the house, and a newly sober fiance. That is a lot to carry, and it gets even heavier when worrying about the mental well-being of an A in recovery. I have to agree with Pelican - when an A leaves rehab, the full reality of things sets in and without the "tools" they used to numb themselves before, it can be difficult for them to adjust to a sober life on the outside.
While we can't push our A's into long term sobriety and through recovery, we can do things to help ourselves and to make our interactions with them more healthy. Coming here is a great step - reach out, ask questions, read up. I would also suggest watching Pleasure Unwoven (available in full on YouTube) to understand addiction and the chemical changes it makes in the brain, and maybe also read up on Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) - watching that moving and reading up on PAWS has helped me to learn about the physical/mental/chemical effects of long-term drinking and what happens after they stop. As Pelican mentioned, there are also some great books out there - I just finished "Everything Changes" by Beverly Conyers, working my way through "Getting Them Sober" (warning...written 30 years ago & a little dated in the gender roles!), and am going to read "Getting Your Loved One Sober" next. Al Anon is a great resource, and I can also personally recommend Smart Recovery meetings and techniques for healthy communication.
Keep reaching out, and most important of all, keep taking good care of you, your daughter, and your little one on the way. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
While we can't push our A's into long term sobriety and through recovery, we can do things to help ourselves and to make our interactions with them more healthy. Coming here is a great step - reach out, ask questions, read up. I would also suggest watching Pleasure Unwoven (available in full on YouTube) to understand addiction and the chemical changes it makes in the brain, and maybe also read up on Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) - watching that moving and reading up on PAWS has helped me to learn about the physical/mental/chemical effects of long-term drinking and what happens after they stop. As Pelican mentioned, there are also some great books out there - I just finished "Everything Changes" by Beverly Conyers, working my way through "Getting Them Sober" (warning...written 30 years ago & a little dated in the gender roles!), and am going to read "Getting Your Loved One Sober" next. Al Anon is a great resource, and I can also personally recommend Smart Recovery meetings and techniques for healthy communication.
Keep reaching out, and most important of all, keep taking good care of you, your daughter, and your little one on the way. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I posted an essay on this subject a few weeks back. The road to recovery is a long slow process. The first step is to be dry, then to sober up which will take a few weeks or months (depending on the drug) and then genuine recovery.
You will also have to change and change your expectation of the recovering addict. The most important thing is that the addict has to focus on his recovery - that means you cannot expect much emotional support from him as he recovers. Also be emotionally prepared for lapses and relapses, and look at them as part of the learning process rather than the end of the world.
You will also have to change and change your expectation of the recovering addict. The most important thing is that the addict has to focus on his recovery - that means you cannot expect much emotional support from him as he recovers. Also be emotionally prepared for lapses and relapses, and look at them as part of the learning process rather than the end of the world.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Hello Why8076.
I am sending a warm thought to you. As if pregnancy wasn't hard enough, especially the 2nd pregancy when there is another little one running around.
I am new too, and in a similar situation, although my husband has never gone to rehab and denies that the has any issues at all.
But, I have a 3 and 1 year old. And I am pondering how all my expectations of what I think my partner in life should be doing work in this situation. Because I am thinking that I am barking up the wrong tree, no matter that I love him and my children love him.
So - here's what I want:
A peaceful household that is child-centered.
A companion who invests in a reciprocal relationship with me and who partners with me to parent.
A home in which every adult member pulls a fair share of the weight for the economic support of the household as well as child care, errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry and maintance.
The ability to make plans for the future.
And here is what I currently have:
A tense household that revolves around my husband and his chaos.
An angry man who has no idea what is going on in my life and who berates me for undercutting his parenting in one breath and then refuses to talk about the kids in the next.
A household where I am the only one who works, cleans, cooks, re-supplies and triages emergency projects.
Absoluetely no idea how to even begin to plan for the summer, let alone for anything further out.
What I am learning as I read these forums is that my list of wants is at the bottom of the heap. Even if my husband were to admit tomorrow that he has issues and truly commit to a plan of recovery, his road is so long that I have no shot of getting any of the things I want, perhaps for years. And, that is a big if.
So. How to get what I want (dare I say deserve?) I think he has got to go.
Having that realization, then chewing on it and turning it over and returning to it and coming to no other conclusion has been my project this spring.
I admit, I am at a complete loss as to how I am going to make that happen, but at least, with help from the wonderful posters here, I am embracing my new boundary. I am not going to live with someone in active addiction or early recovery.
Peace to you, mama.
I am sending a warm thought to you. As if pregnancy wasn't hard enough, especially the 2nd pregancy when there is another little one running around.
I am new too, and in a similar situation, although my husband has never gone to rehab and denies that the has any issues at all.
But, I have a 3 and 1 year old. And I am pondering how all my expectations of what I think my partner in life should be doing work in this situation. Because I am thinking that I am barking up the wrong tree, no matter that I love him and my children love him.
So - here's what I want:
A peaceful household that is child-centered.
A companion who invests in a reciprocal relationship with me and who partners with me to parent.
A home in which every adult member pulls a fair share of the weight for the economic support of the household as well as child care, errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry and maintance.
The ability to make plans for the future.
And here is what I currently have:
A tense household that revolves around my husband and his chaos.
An angry man who has no idea what is going on in my life and who berates me for undercutting his parenting in one breath and then refuses to talk about the kids in the next.
A household where I am the only one who works, cleans, cooks, re-supplies and triages emergency projects.
Absoluetely no idea how to even begin to plan for the summer, let alone for anything further out.
What I am learning as I read these forums is that my list of wants is at the bottom of the heap. Even if my husband were to admit tomorrow that he has issues and truly commit to a plan of recovery, his road is so long that I have no shot of getting any of the things I want, perhaps for years. And, that is a big if.
So. How to get what I want (dare I say deserve?) I think he has got to go.
Having that realization, then chewing on it and turning it over and returning to it and coming to no other conclusion has been my project this spring.
I admit, I am at a complete loss as to how I am going to make that happen, but at least, with help from the wonderful posters here, I am embracing my new boundary. I am not going to live with someone in active addiction or early recovery.
Peace to you, mama.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
That fighting isn't good for either of you. Maybe you can back away when you see the two of you are headed down that path. Let it go.
People who drink too much, one of their main challenges is patience. We too have to learn patience. Nothing gets fixed in a day, and nothing is an emergency except stopping young children from running in front of cars.
How about quietly waiting for him to approach you with an issue? Breathing room for you both?
It's a very stressful time for both of you, especially with that little one on the way. Anything either of you can do to make things a little more peaceful, calmer, and give each other a break?
You've made the suggestion he try anti-depressants. Now let it go. Let him and his doctor decide. Give him enough breathing room that he can figure this stuff out on his own, which is the only way he will be convinced anyway!
Progress not perfection. One day at a time.
People who drink too much, one of their main challenges is patience. We too have to learn patience. Nothing gets fixed in a day, and nothing is an emergency except stopping young children from running in front of cars.
How about quietly waiting for him to approach you with an issue? Breathing room for you both?
It's a very stressful time for both of you, especially with that little one on the way. Anything either of you can do to make things a little more peaceful, calmer, and give each other a break?
You've made the suggestion he try anti-depressants. Now let it go. Let him and his doctor decide. Give him enough breathing room that he can figure this stuff out on his own, which is the only way he will be convinced anyway!
Progress not perfection. One day at a time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
