Lynnrae2

My EXAB will be out of rehab for almost 60 days. He seems to be managing well as far as the non drinking part goes. I am extremely proud of him and very grateful that he is out.

He and I have been on again off again for nearly five years. Through this time just like everyone here, it has been an emotional hell!!!! Lies, cheating, verbal abuse etc.

Even though I call him my exab. I still went through the rehab part with him as much as I could. I am the one that took care of all of his personal things while he was in rehab. I am the one that visited him, counseling with him etc.

Now that he is out, things are awful between me and him. We went from him wanting to marry me while he was in there, to now we barely speak. One of the last things he told me was that he wasnt sure how he felt about me.

I am having a hard time handling all of this. I know he is going through hell. He is trying to stay sober. He is trying to find a new job. etc.

I am extremely emotional, insecure, sad, lonely etc. (you name it I am it)

I am going to alanon meetings, and I do go to aftercare meetings. I read the literature. I am trying, But it is still so difficult.



I havent seen him in over two weeks and have only talked to him a couple of times. Unless I call him. I never hear anything from him.

I am working on letting go and letting God.


Any advice would be appreciated.

BlueSkies1

"I am extremely emotional, insecure, sad, lonely etc. (you name it I am it)"

I think that's the issue--how you are with yourself. Your life doesn't depend upon his recognition, approval, or even him being in it.
In relationships there's a necessary balance and fairness. When our SO isn't providing that, we have to find it in ourselves. In otherwords, look out for ourselves.
Part of the answer may be always maintaining that serenity within yourself, no matter what he is doing.
It's sometimes called detachment. I call it "being ok with me" no matter what else is going on with anybody else in my life.
I have to find my place where I am emotionally balanced, secure in myself, not sad, and not lonely. This is a responsibility to myself, for myself.
Whatever else goes on around me, or outside of me...let it fly. My first responsibility is to take care of me.
I never would have understood those words years ago. It meant understanding that I am my own person that stands alone, even when I am with others.
Ever met a couple in which one was an ass and one a wonderful person? Did you diminish the wonderful person because their choice was an ass? No.
Look at it in that light. We are each our own person, whether married or not, whether in a relationship or not. You are you. He is him. What can you do for you, today? How can you be secure in your own person, no matter what he does?

dandylion

Dear LynnRae2---You have got it----"Let Go and Let God" !!!

Remind yourself this 100x per. day, if necessary.


sincerely, dandylion

atalose

You can’t morn the loss of the relationship if you are still dancing with the corps.

Stop calling him, stop putting yourself out there to be hurt and rejected.

YES, let go and let god……..meeting are a good place to be when feeling sad and lonely.

EnglishGarden

Emotional abuse weakens even the healthiest and most confident individual, and I hope you won't be too judgmental of your feelings of insecurity, confusion, and hurt during this period of time. When we love someone--and no one should judge you for whom you love--we become vulnerable to them, we are naturally very sensitive to their criticism of us, and we are especially sensitive if the criticism or the coldness or indifferent treatment of us is interspersed with brief periods of warmth and affection. This is the what some of us here call the mindf*** of the alcoholic who keeps us off balance by his erratic and unpredictable mood swings and feelings.

You are in a relationship based on power and control. It is not based on love right now. He is pulling all the strings, he is in control. He uses you when you are convenient to him (as in, a pleasurable distraction from the tough inner work he should have been doing in rehab), and like all narcissists, when he's used you up or you are no longer a convenient tool to exploit, he will cast you aside.

It is very hard to find our ground and our backbone when an alcoholic has us on a hook. But my suggestion is that you stop doing ANYTHING for him, continue to go to Al-Anon (even if the meeting isn't perfect, for one hour you will suspend your focus on him and fix it upon yourself), continue the aftercare group (great idea!), and turn that thing around that he left you with: he has you desperate for his approval by saying he isn't sure how he feels about you (this is a common alcoholic tactic, again to maintain control) and ask yourself: Are you sure you know how you feel about HIM?

Because it would be a wonderful thing if this lower end of the seesaw he has you sitting on rose to the top.

Shadydeal

I am so sorry & know how very painful this is all to well! For me and my XABF (much like you described) this is where I wish I had let go. I went thru the whole process even paid for rehab and this one thru me into over drive on the personal rejection and pain! After he got had been out of rebab for 30 days he suddenly disappeared w/o a word! Of Course there was a story behind all of it but I was clueless at the time. Then reappeared down the road again....he needed me for many reasons. Now, keep in mind I also had everything he owned in my garage too! How I wish I had let it go there! Of Course I didn't and in the end the pain grew into something so much deeper over the next few years. Ping Pong!!!! Maybe things will be different for you and I realize everyone is different! I hope your outcome is different but looking back I wish I had put the energy and time into myself. Maybe I wouldn't be where I am today! If you take care of yourself then either way you will come out ahead! Time truly is a healer but only with no contact! This I have learned all too well! It's tough & learned the hard way too! I truly feel for you and hope that you will find peace and healing!

Lynnrae2

Thank you all so much for the replies. Everything that has been said here is what I keep telling myself over and over again. I just keep saying let go and let god!!!!!!!!

It just really sucks for those of us who have entered into something way bigger than us. None of us truely sign up for the emotional rollercoaster but yet, we put our time and energy and love and emotions into it.

When and if they finally get sober, part of you thinks/hopes that it will all be better, that the SO in your life will love you/appreciate you etc.

but it seems like life just doesnt work that way.

I can't help but wonder does anyone's relationship work out after rehab? Does anyone have a true success story where their A/SO gets out and turns into a wonderful, loving, caring human being?

jmartin

This is a question I have also, as my AW is in rehab right now. One thing all of us need to remember is that if someone actually succeeds in recovery, it may be that their loved ones eventually move away from needing this site, Alanon, and so on - so most of the stories we hear are from those who are still struggling. I have no idea what actual recovery rates are, or what I will do if she manages to get sober, but I have the feeling I would not be reading this site every day that were to happen.

So - I do remind myself that we perhaps should not expect to hear a lot of success stories here, it's just the nature of things.

Hammer

YES! Absolutely!

But the odds are not favorable. Just saying what things are.

My BEST Al-Anon group . . . where my sponsor is . . .

Has/had bunches of them. Lots of Old (what they call Long) Timers.

My sponsor knew his wife for 60 years. Married for 56. Sober for 34.

She died this last year. He stays on and helps folks. Like me. As his legacy of love to her.

They say to -- Find a Sponsor Who Has What You Want. I did.

Do not know that I will get it, but they also say -- You Have Not Because You Ask Not.

Just saying -- You can ask, but do not ask just here. Ask God.

Dunno what I am going to get. And neither do you. And that is OK. The cake aint done baking.

atalose

If they weren’t a TRUE wonderful, loving, caring human being when they went into rehab they certainly aren’t coming out as one.

Lynnrae2

Thats what I think I am coming to realize. I have never known my A to be sober. While he was drinking, he was awful. Right before he hit his bottom, he changed to very fragile, broken and almost child like.

While he was in rehab (what I call the land of rainbows and lollipops.) He was the nicest, kindest person. It was all about me and my girls etc.

So, that gave me a little bit of hope that, wow it was all the alcohol that caused the nasty behavior.

Now, I am not so sure, (in fact I know the answer, just need to face the truth.)

He is a very selfish man. The anger and ugliness is gone. He is calm as far as that goes. But, the self-centered, selfish person is still there. It is all about him and his problems, his concerns, etc.

As long as I keep my mouth shut and do what he wants, then things are great. The minute I speak up or stand up for myself, then I am the bad guy and he won't talk to me anymore.

While he was inside, he wanted to go to family counseling with me. He talked about being a family with me and my girls....etc.

Now, he says he doesn't have time for all that sh****. He tells me that I am negative and unsupportive(really?)


So, Like I said, I got my answer, its now up to me.

Alls I can do is Let go and Let GOD!!!!!!

AnvilheadII

Any advice would be appreciated.

if he's your EX, then maybe it's time to start treating him as an ex. as in move on with your life and let it be. put it to rest. be done. move on.

rehabs don't have a special machine where a jerk walks in one door and comes out a saint on the other. that's called magical thinking.

this relationship has NEVER been stable and it has been fraught with lies, cheating, addiction and abuse. that's very unhealthy FOR YOU.

you wanna success story? BE ONE!