Gollum

I have known my addict since I was 11 years old. That was the age I was when he first announced that one day we would be together and he was right....

In May 2011 my addict was so ill that he begged to go to rehab. He did 30 days and stayed sober for about 7 months before he started using cocaine. His primary drug is alcohol so he obviously thought he could hide the cocaine and he did, for a while. Needless to say within 9 months in July 2012, he was heading back to rehab for a second time.

This time he stayed sober for 9 months, he was so full of what he needed to do, where he went wrong etc, he started sharing in meetings and said how light and happy they made him feel. We bought a new house in that period, it is beautiful and everything we ever dreamed of.

Eventually he stopped going to his meetings, I tried to tell him it was a warning sign but he insisted he was fine.... I don't need to tell you what happened next do I?

The cocaine started and slowly but surely here comes the alcohol. My AH is incredibly self destructive when active, he is a danger to himself and others but of course I have to leave him to it regardless., you just cant live with him like that, it is near impossible because he never backs of, wont leave me alone etc.

After two lots of rehab, £12,000 later and tied into a owning a house with him, how the hell do I survive this?

What would be the point in sending him back to rehab, another £6000 for a few months sobriety... I am utterly gutted and do not know which way to turn first. I fled the house yesterday and am at my mums, which is 40 miles from mine so no risk of him turning up but I obviously cant stay there forever.

That house was filled with happiness and now it is hell on earth. What am I supposed to do next?

I can't help but really hate him right now. I know addiction is an illness but lets be blunt about this, nobody forced him to relapse did they?

I feel so emotional today. Watching people living their normal happy lives around me, people laughing and joking wishing I could have that if only for a day.

I just feel like giving up but I cant because I am tied to him with our house. I can only blame myself I chose to by the house. I had to show faith, commitment and trust in our relationship, I wanted to give him those things but now I feel a complete fool.

I'm almost in a state of shock, I have no idea what to do next... Any suggestions or in sight from others experience would be greatly appreciated?

Thank you

FeelingGreat

Hi Gollum, I'm so sorry for your troubles, especially coming after a time of hope and happiness.
You have resolved that you won't stay around while he is actively using, so that's one thing you know. You also have strong doubts about his recovery in the near future so that's realistically out of the picture as well. What do you have left?
You are in shock, so try to do the practical stuff for now. Make a list of your assets, and debits. Where will you live? Will he move or will you?
Do you have an income? Debts? Access to money?(Don't feel you have to answer here).
Even if you haven't made a decision regarding your future, it may pay to see a lawyer early.
All the best, I'm thinking of you.

sunnshinegirl

Gollum, my heart goes out to you. I understand about the spending (my ABH is spending us broke) and we also own a house together. I think you don't need to do anything right away. You're in a safe place and you have time to get your thoughts together and think about the life you want to have. The support from this board is amazing but is there anywhere you could get to an Al-Anon meeting there or find a therapist to help you? What made me realize I could no longer live this way wasn't so much the verbal abuse but the fact that if I don't make a change, I'm not going to have a roof over my head much longer due to the spending. I'm thinking of you too.

Pelican

I know this feeling well! I was a hot mess when I realized the financial, emotional and chaotic pit our life had become.

I also felt guilt and shame because I was in denial by thinking "It will be better this time"

I couldn't decide what I should do, when or how.

Someone from my Alanon group asked me:
Do you have to solve everything by 3 p.m. today?

The answer: No, I did not.

I could give myself the time I needed to make healthy decisions. Since I did not know what the legal rights were in my situation: Marital home, cars, kids, and the down payment on the home was from my inheritance after my mother's death.

I felt tied to the relationship, house, lifestyle.

I had two free consultations with attorneys. The first was wasn't a good experience and I was left feeling devastated and hopeless. Then I tried a different lawyer, and found someone who gave me hope.

Maybe that same question will help you:

Do you have to solve everything by 3 p.m. today?

If not, take the next right step to finding out where your options are and then you can make healthy decisions about your future.

m1k3

Hi Gollum. 2 years ago I was pretty much the same place as you are. 36 year marriage falling apart, multiple rehabs, multiple failures the whole thing. With my AW it was pills and booze.

What helped me get my life back in order.

1. Finding this site. Realizing I wasn't alone. Realizing I wasn't crazy.
2. Moving out. I got my own apartment and moved away from the madness.
3. Started Al-Anon. That was the point where I decided it was OK for me to look after myself. That I was allowed to get better and have a happy, sane and serene life.
4. Started separating the finances. At this point the only things we are tied together own are some retirement investments. Once this is done I file for divorce. Everything will already be split and it will basically be formalizing what has already been done.

I have to say that going to Al-Anon is what has given me the strength and courage to continue with my goal of getting free. It has allowed me to find my center and start living again. I highly recommend it.

Your friend,

grammyb

You do survive! In the beginning , it's so overwhelming. It's one baby step at a time and the gradual acceptance ( and mourning ) of your loss. Each day gets a little easier. When you finally reach out of the isolation, you're reminded of the joy that exists when you interact with healthy people. I'm ending a 37 year marriage. Keep reading here as the stories and strength are inspiring. It will probably take me three years to get where I need to be in life ( maybe longer). However, when you finally stop fighting and let go....when you finally trust.... the answers slowing appear. I was so afraid I would be retired, penniless and homeless , I couldn't move forward. I started to trust (big step) and life is slowly changing. Best of luck to you!

redatlanta

Hey we all make mistakes - don't beat yourself up about the house. What's done is done. A house is a thing not an anchor. Its not going to keep you from doing anything, that is your mind.

Now would be a good time to check into what your options are....can you sell it? Can you buy him out of it? Who is on the deed? Can you just hand it back to the bank?

Checking into your options is not a decision to end the relationship. Its educating your self and getting out of the mode of "I am stuck'. You are not stuck.

I would also suggest that you sever your financial ties. Close the account with both your names on it at the very least take your money out and open a new account.

Protect yourself.

It sounds like you are scared of him - I may be reading into that but when you said you fled the house to go stay with your mom red flags went up.

Please take care of yourself and stay away from him.

Gollum

Hi Redatlanta, no I am not scared of him at all, sorry maybe fled was not the best terminology to use.

When I bought the house I took precautions, it is in my name and I can afford the mortgage. With regards to buying one another out, I dont think I can afford the extra £ neded to buy him out and he certainly cant get a mortgage because of his credit rating. Our only option would be to sell...

I suppose my real question is do I give up and let it all go when I have invested so much time and money or do I hang in there. Right now I have little hope that he will ever find long term sobriety because this is his second relapse but having said that he has been using some form of drug for the last 14 years. 2011 was the first time he ever tried to do anything about it and he achieved 7 months sober, then he tried again last year and achieved 9 months so actually he has done really well but we simply can not afford another rehab.

He is my best friend. I still remember the first time I set eyes on him at 11 years old. He suffered a tradegy when he found his brother dead at just 19 years old and ended up where he is now. I want so much to believe in him but I dont want to fool myself with false hope and I also dont want to give up if there is the slightest chance he can make it.

Confused and scared.

marie1960

You are no longer in a relationship with an 11 year old boy. You are currently involved with an adult man, who is an addict. To continue to romance your past is holding you back. If you met this guy TODAY would you choose to be involved with him?

A house is nothing but sticks and stones, it cannot guarantee a happy home. Check with an attorney and find out what your legal rights are. Allowing material property to hold you hostage is not a working solution. Until you find out the FACTS, you are only second guessing the situation, and quite frankly it's a waste of time and energy and leaves us feeling helpless and confused and sad, very sad.

time to get proactive in YOUR life.

We are here with you.

AnvilheadII

he's not ELEVEN anymore. oddly enough i don't think you've ever stated what his actual age is TODAY. you seriously need to get past that if you want to fully be in the here and now. because that is the only way you will find the sensible solution - by getting real and taking stock of what IS - not what was, not what you hope might be someday.

already a ton of $$ has been spent on rehabs for him....and yet he's using today. REHAB is not the solution to addiction...it's training wheels for recovery. he already knows everything he needs to to get clean and stay clean. and yet after periods of sobriety, with a relatively clear head, he then CHOOSES to use again. regardless of the costs, in spite of everything you have done.

it's very sad. my husband and i bought our house together within a couple months of getting off crack for good. we are today 7 plus years clean. that certainly qualified as a RISK. it would wreck everything if one or both of us choose to use again. i couldn't live there if he was doing dope again. it would be a serious financial morass as neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own - we are still underwater as it is from the real estate fallout. i would be as they say in quite the pickle. but i'd rather burn the damn thing to the ground than live in or with active addiction again.

i feel for ya - you've got some thinking to do! i'm glad you left at least for a bit. i hope you find the solution that works best for you!!!

keepingmyjoy1

I am sorry you are going through this.

Just a thought about the house...how about you just keep the house, and he moves out. All the money spent on rehab and cocaine should be considered his portion from the value of the house that he already spent.

Just my thoughts...hang in there.

petmagnet

I understand the chaos you are feeling, and the love-hate, and the loyalty you still feel toward the man you have known since childhood. I met my AH when we were 14 and I have know him now for 30 years. I do not understand why this disease has to take the ones we love from us. But take them it does, and there is nothing you can do. I guess you survive by living day by day. Try not to think about the future too much, it makes things even more overwhelming. It's ok to prepare, have a plan of action just in case, but try not to obsess. As some of the others said he's not the young man you once knew. I'm sure there are glimpses from time to time, but accepting that they are no longer that person will hopefully help you find the ability to think clearly about what you need to do for yourself to survive with or with out who they are now. It's not easy to watch someone changed by addiction over the years when you know who they could still be w/o it. It's a bitter pill to swollow. Hang in there.

redatlanta

I do wish I had a crystal ball so I could tell you what to do - I can only give an opinion.

Time is an investment as powerful as money and its a good metaphor for a relationship. In the recent recession here which began in 2008 I saw MANY friends and clients lose their asses in the stock market. Believing that the market would come back, and not willing to take their current loss which wasn't everything, they held on to stocks thinking the market would come back even though most had been advised to sell. Its a very stupid thought process when you think about it. You can get out today half your investment or you can wait until you have nothing. MOST waited till they had nothing. And FEW did regain their investment.

You state that you have little hope that he will get sober. This is based on your history with him and its valid. So do you get out now with something? Or do you wait until there is nothing left? And I am not talking only about money here.

Only you can answer. You don't have to figure it out today. Or next week. You do have to decide though.