Gollum

I am absolutely exausted, but the last place I want to go is home to be faced with an AH who is currently doing cocaine (plenty of evidence to support that claim) but will not admit it. Instead he does his best to turn it around like I am being unreasonable and suspicious.

I have no energy to confront him about today's issue of £200 being with drawn from our joint account over the weekend but I also can't bring myself to act like everything is OK when I resent him so much at the moment.

I just feel like totally ignoring him when I get home. Like doing my own dinner and telling him he can sort his own, along with his washing and all the other things I do for him. I would rather not talk to him at all than contniue to be lied to but I don't know if that is the right way to behave. I know that I just dont aprticuarly want to talk to him, just want to be left alone....

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

Recovering2

I can feel the exhaustion in your post, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I remember what that total mental exhaustion feels like.

It's perfectly fine, in my opinion, to detach from his behaviors and just take care of you. If you don't feel ready to address your concerns right now...don't. I don't think you have to announce you're going to let him do his own meals, wash, etc. Just quietly go about making yourself something to eat, go take a bath, read a book, etc. Anything just for you. Give yourself time to let your emotions settle down and get some rest.

Are you in AlAnon? I walked into AlAnon exhausted, angry, fed up, scared. I found tremendous support, and as a result, got some energy back. Learned how to detach from my ABF's behaviors. Now having said that, you have to be careful about the money. I would consider opening a seperate account for you only and start putting some money away.

All the best to you..... I hope you get some rest.

jmartin

Gollum -

Sorry to hear your tale. I am going through this right now, my AW just entered treatment, I know all about the lying and scheming and denial you are being subjected to, for me it's been ten years of her relapsing. It is maddening. You have the right instincts - take care of yourself, let him do what he is going to do, keep from getting drawn into his hell.

Agree with recovering2, if you have any concerns at all, try to protect yourself financially, the last thing you need is all your ready cash going up his nose. There are lots of great threads on this site that will help you understand how to be with this and detach from the madness. I have gone to some Alanon meetings, and find the mechanics of them a little off-putting, but the message is spot on. Very helpful for getting started on your recovery from this craziness. With all of these resources, don't necessarily expect a how-to manual for navigating your situation, rather as a way for establishing and maintaining a calm that allows you to act with conviction and feel that you are doing the right thing.

If you read other threads on this site, there is lots of great specific advice - minimize your interactions with him during this time, sleep in another room, leave without explanation, whatever you need to do to feel safe. Be polite in answering his questions, but keep your distance, do not feel you have to justify what you are doing. If he gets angry or abusive, just ignore it - do not let him bait you or destroy your calm. You will be amazed at the effect this has, I wish I had learned it a decade ago.

I have also found it to be very therapeutic to post progress on my thread here. Just the process of collecting my thoughts and posting them has helped me achieve a clarity of purpose, a roadmap for how to proceed, and the ability to examine possibilities for the future without necessarily reacting with all of my emotional weight. Good luck to you!!

Lionhearted

Jmartin said [QUOTE= [B]With all of these resources, don't necessarily expect a how-to manual for navigating your situation, rather as a way for establishing and maintaining a calm that allows you to act with conviction and feel that you are doing the right thing.[/B]
QUOTE]


For me this was the phrase of the day... I joined today and this is the nugget that just made me smile.. the eye of the Hurricane that has been my last 3 days.

That is very profound to me.

Thank you

Gollum

Thank you all so much for your comments, I really needed to read them this morning.

Yesterday was just too much to bare. When I got home to find him drunk and abusive, lying in his dirty work clothes on my brand new sofa in the living room that I have just lovingly decorated ...... I just lost it, I couldn't help it. Our new start had just went out the window and with it so did my dreams. I felt utterly heart broken.

I packed a bag and headed straight to my mums, there is no way I can be anywhere near him right now, I am too angry. I stopped making excuses for him a long time ago, this relapse was his 'choice', I don't listen to his 'woe is me' anymore.

Of course I will calm down and go home, but for now I need some time out away from him. I am incredibly emotional at the moment, so I have switched off my phone so that I just dont have to listen to him.

I just want to be at home but of course home is where hell lives now. What a sorry state of affairs

Thanks again for all taking the time to comment, I dont know how I would cope without this forum sometimes. Thanks again.

Bluegalangal

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you left and went to a safer space to collect yourself.

Gollum

Thanks Bluegal. It was definitely the right decision, I am in no frame of mind to deal with him at present, I am an emotional wreck today.

Lucky for me my employer is very understanding or I really would be in trouble.