Jekyll & Hyde: How to forgive what Hyde has done?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Jekyll & Hyde: How to forgive what Hyde has done?
Hello, I'm new here and wanted to start off with a question I've been struggling with, rather than my whole long story.
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
When I confront him over the betrayals of trust committed while drunk, the answer is always the same: "I was drunk. I don't remember doing that. You know I would never do that to you."
So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence? I have two separate issues - forgiving him for drinking & forgiving him for the things he does while drinking. The things he does while drinking are completely unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it. I am struggling to deal with it, because there are no answers, reasons, or motives to sift through, only: "I was drunk."
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
When I confront him over the betrayals of trust committed while drunk, the answer is always the same: "I was drunk. I don't remember doing that. You know I would never do that to you."
So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence? I have two separate issues - forgiving him for drinking & forgiving him for the things he does while drinking. The things he does while drinking are completely unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it. I am struggling to deal with it, because there are no answers, reasons, or motives to sift through, only: "I was drunk."
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Beithe, I still struggle with the same issue. I have my A's at a distance from me, and am practicing detachment. This helps me a lot---but, they have not yet embraced recovery. They, also, minimize the horrible, hurtful actions toward me (when drunk). Right now, they avoid any reference to those times like the plague. Of course, I understand that they are still in denial--so, they are not even about to deal with what they have done.
I hope that when they ever do embrace recovery that they will make amends to me. I feel that I will need HEARTFELT amends before I can fully trust them again. I might be able to forgive....but, until amends, I don't feel that I can trust!
My question to you: Is he still drinking--and doing these things? I totally cut my ties with my A's---kicked them out of the house--and my physical presence. That stopped me from being subjected to their outrageous behavior.
You shouldn't be subjected to this abuse. Love is not supposed to hurt this much--out loved ones should n ot be allowed to injure us.
For any recovering alcoholics who are reading this post, I welcome your input very much!!!
sincerely, dandylion
I hope that when they ever do embrace recovery that they will make amends to me. I feel that I will need HEARTFELT amends before I can fully trust them again. I might be able to forgive....but, until amends, I don't feel that I can trust!
My question to you: Is he still drinking--and doing these things? I totally cut my ties with my A's---kicked them out of the house--and my physical presence. That stopped me from being subjected to their outrageous behavior.
You shouldn't be subjected to this abuse. Love is not supposed to hurt this much--out loved ones should n ot be allowed to injure us.
For any recovering alcoholics who are reading this post, I welcome your input very much!!!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Hey Beithe,
I'm new here too but I totally relate to this.
My AH is a complete Jekyll/Hyde as well. With him it's mostly verbal. He says horrible things about people when he's drunk.
He has also hurt himself when he's drunk. The worst was about a year ago when he injured his hand in a way that he still to this day does not know what he did. He could not work for MONTHS and it cost us thousands in therapy for an injury he has no clue what he did and was most definitely self sustained.
I'll be curious to see what other people post in response to your very emotional question.
I'm new here too but I totally relate to this.
My AH is a complete Jekyll/Hyde as well. With him it's mostly verbal. He says horrible things about people when he's drunk.
He has also hurt himself when he's drunk. The worst was about a year ago when he injured his hand in a way that he still to this day does not know what he did. He could not work for MONTHS and it cost us thousands in therapy for an injury he has no clue what he did and was most definitely self sustained.
I'll be curious to see what other people post in response to your very emotional question.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
This is a struggle..... I have not solved it. However, regardless of whether he remembers being a jerk, it is still HIM. That's my take anyway. A typical man would not engage in the behavior (drinking, in this case) that causes them to act that way, especially once he knew it was hurtful. Alcoholics do not function that way. Does that make sense? So, for him to say "I would never do that to you..." well, he DID. Regardless of whether he remembers.
I still live with my A, and my solution at this point is to not interact with him when he is drinking. I do my own thing and take care of myself. His behavior is not about me. He can stomp around and complain about the world all he wants. I stay out of the line of fire as best I can.
Take care.
I still live with my A, and my solution at this point is to not interact with him when he is drinking. I do my own thing and take care of myself. His behavior is not about me. He can stomp around and complain about the world all he wants. I stay out of the line of fire as best I can.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
In my opinion, as an Alcoholic...you dont forgive him for behaviour he does while drunk. Just like Dr.Jeckyl knew that drinking a solution made him a monster, yet he drank it anyway. If your husband knows that he blacks out, does horrible things when drunk, yet drinks anyhow? that means he wants to drink, and doesn't really care what havoc his actions bring... Kind of like the Police not forgiving a drunk driver, because the person was drunk and didn't know what they were doing...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He knows he does horrible things when he drinks, yet he continues to put himself in a state where those things happen. There is nothing unfair about holding him one hundred percent responsible for his actions under the influence, whether he remembers them or not.
Forgiveness is a different subject--forgiveness sets YOU free from resentment, but it isn't the same as excusing abusive behavior or tolerating it.
You have a right not to be abused by ANYONE--even someone who doesn't remember what he is doing. I suggest you focus on freeing yourself to live in safety. It sounds as if your alcoholic isn't ready to do what he needs to do to get well.
I hope you will get to Al-Anon and start focusing on how to bring peace into your own life.
Forgiveness is a different subject--forgiveness sets YOU free from resentment, but it isn't the same as excusing abusive behavior or tolerating it.
You have a right not to be abused by ANYONE--even someone who doesn't remember what he is doing. I suggest you focus on freeing yourself to live in safety. It sounds as if your alcoholic isn't ready to do what he needs to do to get well.
I hope you will get to Al-Anon and start focusing on how to bring peace into your own life.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I understand your confusion as I had this also.
I started to understand, that my forgiving somebody, was not for them but FOR ME.
I have learned how to forgive the 'action'. But that does not mean I forget the 'action(s).
What helped me tremendously was when I read Emmit Foxx's dissection of "The Lord's Prayer" and his interpretation of the line:
"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
In essence we are asking, our Higher Power, God, Allah, Universe, etc to forgive us the way we forgive others.
Now I was in early recovery back then for my alcoholism and drug addiction and when I first read his explanation, my reactions was:
"holy chit I am in big trouble now!."
I look back on that reaction now and I can laugh, but back then I was dead serious, even wrote pages on this idea and forgiveness in my journal.
I found that I could 'forgive' them their actions, even said a little prayer for them, but I did not let down the walls I had built around myself regarding that person, and it did not mean that I 'trusted' them again.
What I did find out though was that when I was sincere in saying to whomever or whatever, 'out there' that I forgive so and so for (I state the action(s) done) and then say a prayer I mean, ie "Please dear 'doG' give (so and so) the tools so that so and so may have a better life. Amen".
Then I sit quietly for a minute or so, and just listen. Stand back up and go on with my business of the day or evening. I find this has and does work for me. I hope it can work for you also.
Love and hugs,
I started to understand, that my forgiving somebody, was not for them but FOR ME.
I have learned how to forgive the 'action'. But that does not mean I forget the 'action(s).
What helped me tremendously was when I read Emmit Foxx's dissection of "The Lord's Prayer" and his interpretation of the line:
"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
In essence we are asking, our Higher Power, God, Allah, Universe, etc to forgive us the way we forgive others.
Now I was in early recovery back then for my alcoholism and drug addiction and when I first read his explanation, my reactions was:
"holy chit I am in big trouble now!."
I look back on that reaction now and I can laugh, but back then I was dead serious, even wrote pages on this idea and forgiveness in my journal.
I found that I could 'forgive' them their actions, even said a little prayer for them, but I did not let down the walls I had built around myself regarding that person, and it did not mean that I 'trusted' them again.
What I did find out though was that when I was sincere in saying to whomever or whatever, 'out there' that I forgive so and so for (I state the action(s) done) and then say a prayer I mean, ie "Please dear 'doG' give (so and so) the tools so that so and so may have a better life. Amen".
Then I sit quietly for a minute or so, and just listen. Stand back up and go on with my business of the day or evening. I find this has and does work for me. I hope it can work for you also.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Excellent question! Thanks!
Forgiveness for me hasn't been a big issue because over the years from living with AH I think I became rather removed from the feelings that would make me feel that I was in the right to feel wronged. That's part of how I am damaged from living with an A for too too long. *sigh*
But the Jekyll/Hyde thing is really apparent with my AH. The thing is, Hyde more and more takes over as the disease progresses. And AH refuses to take interest in what Hyde has done. So when I am traumatized by Hyde, Jekyll says 'these are false allegations' and tells everyone that I am nuts. Okay, take everything I said earlier back, cause here I am feeling pissed! 😠
My walls are up for good because Hyde threatened to kill me and he meant it. Then Jekyll shuts his eyes and ears and wants to act like everything is fine. And Jekyll gets really angry if I want to talk about Hyde. And Jekyll is a jerk and a coward for not taking any responsibility for imbibing the poison that makes him a monster.
So back then to forgiveness. Well, you move on. You make your present life more real and important than the past. But don't forget.
Forgiveness for me hasn't been a big issue because over the years from living with AH I think I became rather removed from the feelings that would make me feel that I was in the right to feel wronged. That's part of how I am damaged from living with an A for too too long. *sigh*
But the Jekyll/Hyde thing is really apparent with my AH. The thing is, Hyde more and more takes over as the disease progresses. And AH refuses to take interest in what Hyde has done. So when I am traumatized by Hyde, Jekyll says 'these are false allegations' and tells everyone that I am nuts. Okay, take everything I said earlier back, cause here I am feeling pissed! 😠
My walls are up for good because Hyde threatened to kill me and he meant it. Then Jekyll shuts his eyes and ears and wants to act like everything is fine. And Jekyll gets really angry if I want to talk about Hyde. And Jekyll is a jerk and a coward for not taking any responsibility for imbibing the poison that makes him a monster.
So back then to forgiveness. Well, you move on. You make your present life more real and important than the past. But don't forget.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
For me, unacceptable behavior is just that: unacceptable.
I don't need to hear excuses.
I don't need to hear justifications.
It appears your alcoholic has no intention of changing. If you look at his actions and stop listening to his words, he seems to be demonstrating that he plans to continue drinking to excess, committing unacceptable behavior, make a weak apology, and then repeat the pattern. Lather, rinse, repeat, right?
When I receive an apology for unacceptable behavior, I expect the person to be sincere and commit to not repeating the offensive behavior. If the behavior continues, then I need to accept that the person is not sincerely sorry. I need to decide if I want to continue having a relationship with this type of person. I tend to remove toxic people from my life.
I had to decide for myself when enough was enough with my alcoholic husband. In the end, I became a hot mess trying to deal with his lies, denials, manipulations, minimizing and repeating. I decided I wanted more than that from my relationship partner. I decided I deserved better.
I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
Originally Posted by Beithe 
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
I don't need to hear excuses.
I don't need to hear justifications.
It appears your alcoholic has no intention of changing. If you look at his actions and stop listening to his words, he seems to be demonstrating that he plans to continue drinking to excess, committing unacceptable behavior, make a weak apology, and then repeat the pattern. Lather, rinse, repeat, right?
When I receive an apology for unacceptable behavior, I expect the person to be sincere and commit to not repeating the offensive behavior. If the behavior continues, then I need to accept that the person is not sincerely sorry. I need to decide if I want to continue having a relationship with this type of person. I tend to remove toxic people from my life.
I had to decide for myself when enough was enough with my alcoholic husband. In the end, I became a hot mess trying to deal with his lies, denials, manipulations, minimizing and repeating. I decided I wanted more than that from my relationship partner. I decided I deserved better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Jekyll is a jerk and a coward for not taking any responsibility for imbibing the poison that makes him a monster.
It was not until I stopped imbibing that I could take responsibility for my actions.
I mean truly stop drinking, got to a program of recovery and spoke to others who had been on the same road.
During recovery I had to take responsibility for what I did during active addiction.
That meant to me that there was no excuse for what I did or failed to do during my drinking days. Most difficult for me was the danger I put my children in, while neglecting them at the same time. No one else did that but me. No one else's responsibility but mine.
The strange thing about taking responsibility for myself and my deeds, was the freedom that came with it. It means that it was in my control to run my life. It was no one else that could force me to drink and behave badly. It was always on me.
I am free.
I am trying to say to the OP, unless and until your husband takes responsibility for his actions (including drinking and behaving horribly) then you will get more of what you are getting. Your husband is not another person when he drinks, he is still your husband. Your husband is acting inexcusably and doing it over and over. Why not? He claims it is Mr. Hyde and he doesn't remember.
May I suggest that you start taking care of you? Have you read Codependent No More? It is an eye opener. Learn about boundaries and detachment. Make yourself healthy and live your life. He is responsible for his life.
His life, his choices, your life your choices.
Responsibility, don't live life without it.
Beth
still learning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The things he does while drinking are completely unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it.
just last week here in seattle a man got behind the wheel of a vehicle, drunk, and in broad daylight plowed into a family of four - the two grandparents were killed almost instantly, the young mother and 10 day old infant are now in comas. the driver has a history of DUI's dating back to the 90's - recently had 2 DUI's, suspended license, was supposed to have an interlock ignition system installed.....is he "excused" because he was drinking? does it in ANY way mitigate the deaths he caused? if he later said he didn't remember does it change anything?
as said above, unacceptable behavior is just that...unacceptable. period.
your bf SAYS he doesn't remember. but is that the truth? or is it convenient. for him. each time you accept the unacceptable from him, you tell him it's ok to keep doing that. he could assure that "Hyde" never comes out again, by not drinking. if he truly felt remorse there are measures he could take to change.
just last week here in seattle a man got behind the wheel of a vehicle, drunk, and in broad daylight plowed into a family of four - the two grandparents were killed almost instantly, the young mother and 10 day old infant are now in comas. the driver has a history of DUI's dating back to the 90's - recently had 2 DUI's, suspended license, was supposed to have an interlock ignition system installed.....is he "excused" because he was drinking? does it in ANY way mitigate the deaths he caused? if he later said he didn't remember does it change anything?
as said above, unacceptable behavior is just that...unacceptable. period.
your bf SAYS he doesn't remember. but is that the truth? or is it convenient. for him. each time you accept the unacceptable from him, you tell him it's ok to keep doing that. he could assure that "Hyde" never comes out again, by not drinking. if he truly felt remorse there are measures he could take to change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Well said!
"I found that I could 'forgive' them their actions, even said a little prayer for them, but I did not let down the walls I had built around myself regarding that person, and it did not mean that I 'trusted' them again"
"I found that I could 'forgive' them their actions, even said a little prayer for them, but I did not let down the walls I had built around myself regarding that person, and it did not mean that I 'trusted' them again"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Originally Posted by Beithe
So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence? I have two separate issues - forgiving him for drinking & forgiving him for the things he does while drinking.
No. Allowances.
"I was drunk" is the worst excuse ever.
Alcohol consumption may affect your judgment but it does not change your inner moral core.
A person who cheats on you drunk is no different than a person who cheats on you sober.
A person who threatens to murder his family drunk is no different than a person who does it sober.
"I was drunk" means "I wish to not be held responsible for my bad behavior." Don't buy it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Have you ever questioned why you would leave if he was sober, but since he is drunk you are sticking around?
Maybe you should put some thought in that.
What DIFFERENCE does it make if he is drunk or sober its him. He did it. He is not two people. He is an alcoholic and this is what they do.
B]"So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence?"[/B]
answer: NONE
Maybe you should put some thought in that.
What DIFFERENCE does it make if he is drunk or sober its him. He did it. He is not two people. He is an alcoholic and this is what they do.
B]"So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence?"[/B]
answer: NONE
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by choublak
This isn't really that important, but Dr. Jekyll is the "bad" one and Mr. Hyde is the "good" one FYI.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Beithe
Hello, I'm new here and wanted to start off with a question I've been struggling with, rather than my whole long story.
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
When I confront him over the betrayals of trust committed while drunk, the answer is always the same: "I was drunk. I don't remember doing that. You know I would never do that to you."
So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence? I have two separate issues - forgiving him for drinking & forgiving him for the things he does while drinking. The things he does while drinking are completely unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it. I am struggling to deal with it, because there are no answers, reasons, or motives to sift through, only: "I was drunk."
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
It describes the same struggle I'm going through. When he's a drunken Hyde, he says and does horrible things, commits huge breaches of trust. If he did those same things while sober I would be out the door so fast, I'd probably go through the wall and leave a Beithe-shaped hole.
But he isn't sober. He's blacked-out drunk, and not the least bit sorry. When he's sober he's sorry, but the apologies ring false because he doesn't remember doing any of the things he's apologizing for.
When I confront him over the betrayals of trust committed while drunk, the answer is always the same: "I was drunk. I don't remember doing that. You know I would never do that to you."
So my question is, what allowances do we make for actions while under the influence? I have two separate issues - forgiving him for drinking & forgiving him for the things he does while drinking. The things he does while drinking are completely unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it. I am struggling to deal with it, because there are no answers, reasons, or motives to sift through, only: "I was drunk."
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My STBXAH did this too. He even named the "bad persona" Igor. When AH was sober, he was very sorry for the terrors Igor had created. Or AH said Igor was my imagination. Or I was nuts. Or I was a psychotic liar. Once AH gave me a "get out of jail free from Igor" handwritten note. Both AH and "Igor" were very creative. Got to give them that.
Only finally I understood it was not "them". It was him. My psychiatrist explained that if Igor - or maybe "Igor-ette" - went to the mall and ran up a huge bill on crazy expensive purchases, my AH would still have to pay the tab.
There is truly only one identity, even if the occupant wishes to subdivide.
Once you understand that, everything shifts.
Believing that your A has two identities, co-equal, makes you dance the dance that the AV (alcoholic voice) wants you to dance: who did it, here, there, everywhere, who did it? This distracts you from the truth: it was done. It hurt. It is unacceptable. You didn't do it. Your A did it, and shape-shifting on his/her part doesn't ever take away the A's ownership of he/she did.
You, we, are allowed to step back and truly look at what has happened and decide how WE want to live, how WE want to be treated.
This is where setting boundaries that are focused on what WE need comes in. A threat is "if Igor does that again, I will punish Igor and AV by doing X".
A boundary is "I will not live in a situation where I feel and am demeaned and belittled (or whatever your issue is), no matter what or who caused it."
The first statement, "If X does, then I do..." leads to review of the person's actions, disputes, negotiations, temporary solutions, and the dance goes on.
Boundaries that begins with "I will..." are complete sentences in and of themselves. They allow you to take action without discussion, review, negotiation, or capitulation. Incidentally, they can be formidable adversaries to the effects of alcoholism, to the effects of abuse.
Most importantly, because they don't put the emphasis on the A's bad behavior, they take back your own authority and independence and autonomy and let you define how YOU will choose to live.
Very powerful, very hard to understand at first. Probably because the willingness to acquiesce to others' wills, to being treated badly, is what gets us into this mess so deeply in the first place.
For me, finally understanding this distinction was the beginning of the end of the abuse, and the beginning of life beyond. Not easy, a slippery concept for me for a long time, but a vital one.
ShootingStar1
Only finally I understood it was not "them". It was him. My psychiatrist explained that if Igor - or maybe "Igor-ette" - went to the mall and ran up a huge bill on crazy expensive purchases, my AH would still have to pay the tab.
There is truly only one identity, even if the occupant wishes to subdivide.
Once you understand that, everything shifts.
Believing that your A has two identities, co-equal, makes you dance the dance that the AV (alcoholic voice) wants you to dance: who did it, here, there, everywhere, who did it? This distracts you from the truth: it was done. It hurt. It is unacceptable. You didn't do it. Your A did it, and shape-shifting on his/her part doesn't ever take away the A's ownership of he/she did.
You, we, are allowed to step back and truly look at what has happened and decide how WE want to live, how WE want to be treated.
This is where setting boundaries that are focused on what WE need comes in. A threat is "if Igor does that again, I will punish Igor and AV by doing X".
A boundary is "I will not live in a situation where I feel and am demeaned and belittled (or whatever your issue is), no matter what or who caused it."
The first statement, "If X does, then I do..." leads to review of the person's actions, disputes, negotiations, temporary solutions, and the dance goes on.
Boundaries that begins with "I will..." are complete sentences in and of themselves. They allow you to take action without discussion, review, negotiation, or capitulation. Incidentally, they can be formidable adversaries to the effects of alcoholism, to the effects of abuse.
Most importantly, because they don't put the emphasis on the A's bad behavior, they take back your own authority and independence and autonomy and let you define how YOU will choose to live.
Very powerful, very hard to understand at first. Probably because the willingness to acquiesce to others' wills, to being treated badly, is what gets us into this mess so deeply in the first place.
For me, finally understanding this distinction was the beginning of the end of the abuse, and the beginning of life beyond. Not easy, a slippery concept for me for a long time, but a vital one.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by Beithe;3891439
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
... The things he does while drinking are [I
The alcoholic in my life recently said to me, "I feel like Dr. Jekyll sifting through the wreckage created by Hyde. No memory of what was done, just the pain of the repercussions"
... The things he does while drinking are [I
completely [/I]unforgivable. But...he doesn't remember doing any of it. I am struggling to deal with it, because there are no answers, reasons, or motives to sift through, only: "I was drunk."
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
Has anyone else wrestled with this same problem? How did you handle it?
"not remembering" can also be a form of denial--if it doesn't feel that bad to him, it must not be that bad. Show him otherwise.
If he is violent and threatening while drunk, a recording might help you get a restraining order, if it comes to that. Good luck!
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