Kateausten83

Curious about what an addict might advise me to do in my situation. My husband is currently in jail for his second DUI and violating probation twice. I've left him already, kick him out when he drinks, reconciled with him...what would an addicts opinion on my next move be? Obviously my husband's point of view is rather skewed.

doggonecarl

An addict's opinion and your husband's are one and the same.

Did you want a recovering addict's opinion? Better yet, the spouse of an addict's opinion?

skella99

Are you asking what a recovering addict would advise you? or what an active addict in this situation (that of your husband's) might want you to do?

LexieCat

As a recovering alcoholic I would suggest that you do what is best for YOU. His recovery is one he has to want for himself, and one that he has to navigate for himself. There is nothing you can really do to force the issue.

Alcoholics not ready to quit will do whatever is necessary not to rock their boat. They are usually FINE with how things are. Look at what probation did for him. He manipulated it as long as he could get away with it, then decided, "Screw this, let me do my time in jail so I don't have the hassle of complying with all these conditions (such as not drinking)." If jail isn't a deterrent, then he's clearly not seeing the unmanageability of his own life.

So I'd say he's got a ways to go before he is close to being ready to quit.

Kateausten83

Yes, I suppose I should've worded that better. I'm sure an addict not in recovery would say to stay, keep trying, keep working on it. But yes I'll take anyone's opinions I just hear my own thoughts and my families opinion and his families opinions. I have lost most of my friends through all of this...so I'm hoping to branch out. Thank you

Kateausten83

I would be particularly interested in a recovering addict's opinion though. Just truly out of curiosity.

LexieCat

A recovering alcoholic's opinion isn't good enough for you? He's an alcoholic, right? You never mentioned drugs.

I'm four and a half years sober, and have been around AA for a lot longer than that--ever since my first husband got sober 33 years ago. I've listened to hundreds of recovering alcoholics over the years. Most of them have said it was only when they hit an emotional bottom that they were ready to quit drinking. My own emotional bottom was relatively un-dramatic, but for some people it took living in a cardboard box to get to that point. The prospect of sitting in jail wasn't an emotional bottom for your husband, so my feeling is he's got a ways to go.

Kateausten83

Oh no, I didn't mean to imply that I guess I don't know what exactly I'm looking for lol. I'm hoping this jail stay will move him very much. He's got to learn. I'm desperate.

Florence

As a mom married to an alcoholic, I had to make the call for my kids. I had to find a way to be happy, stable, and parent them NO MATTER WHAT my husband chose to do. If he lived with us, the rules were that he work an active program (the definition of which was loosely agreed upon based on his treatment team's recommendations) and that he not drink. Not a drop. He relapsed, and I asked him to leave for the final time. That was six months ago.

Naively, I thought he might use this time away from us to get his @@@@ together. Instead he got a new job, got fired from that job, and my spidey senses tell me he's relapsed again although I have no proof. The nice part? This time we are insulated from the consequences of his bad decisions. I don't depend on him for anything other than child support, and I can probably get by without it if I have to.

Here's the thing: I love him, I have compassion for him, I am still attracted to him (even after everything, ugh), and I wish things were different. None of these facts have any bearing whatsoever on the fact that he continues to make bad decisions that affect me and our children. I have gotten realistic about his commitment to recovery. I no longer listen to his excuses, promises, or explanations. I am looking at what he does. He is not working a program, he does not take responsibility for his life, and he does not make decisions for the benefit of the whole family. I have to base my life on THOSE facts. Not the romantic notions of family, marriage, duty, and romance.

The thing about the jail time? He's already out of your hair. There's nothing preventing you from changing the locks -- and you're life -- while he's gone.

doggonecarl

This RA (alcohol and drugs) has this opinion: That your husband will not recover until he is ready. And sadly that day may never come.

And sadly, you have limited your options greatly. In another thread, you posted:

He is the love of my life and I don't want to be without him again.

I read this as you are along for the ride, whatever happens.

Buckle up, it's going to get rough. Sorry you have to go through this. Sorry I don't have an answer.

Kateausten83

Well I wouldn't say I'm along for the ride. I do and don't want a lot of things in life. I don't want him to drink again. And I don't want him to hurt me anymore. But just because I want that doesn't mean it will happen. I'm in a financial pickle as well. He's the main breadwinner in the house. I have zero dollars to my name. And no options for daycare. I do work on a very part time basis, like one or two days a week, but only when his mother can watch our son. My family lives about two and a half hours away so they aren't an option for daycare. And I know I'm not the only person in this position, I just feel so stuck.

LexieCat

I suggest you consult a lawyer just to find out what your rights would be. That doesn't commit you to anything, but knowledge is power. He makes a decent living, apparently, and could be ordered to support you and the children pending divorce. There are solutions to any problems. You may not see them now.

You don't need to make any decisions instantly, but again, you have this window of time available to you until he is released at the end of April. Make the most of the peace you will have for the next few weeks. Get busy with Al-Anon, and with exploring your options.

Kateausten83

Thank you. I have a lot to do I guess.

wicked

Hello Kate,

I am a recovering alcoholic and I would watch his actions. His actions will tell you what he is willing to do about his alcoholism.
In my opinion, so far he is 0 for 2.

Yes, you have some work to do, but as the mother of two very young children, you are Wonder Woman!

You can do it.




Beth

friskme

Sometimes parents are biased and are often enablers themselves. I agree with Lexiecat. Do what is right and best for YOU.

friskme

Have you considered checking to see if you qualify for help with child care? Use this "free" time to gain some stability and confidence. Before when I was with my husband, I was pretty much the bread-winner cuz of his issues. When I broke it off with him, I soon lost my job that I very much needed. I immediately signed up to see what benefits I qualified for; and I looked for a new job. I ended up being eligible for assistance with child care, which helped tremendously cuz I never rcv'd child support from him. I even had a court order, but no money came in.

Cyranoak

Nothing will ever change unless you change it. It is not fair to your children that you continue to expose them to him. The damage he's causing is substantial. Why are you keeping your children it this toxic situation?

Providing sperm does not make you a father. Effective parenting makes you a father. Alcoholics not in long term recovery do far more damage than good. FAR MORE.

To whom are you more responsible? Your children or...? I answered this question wrong ten years ago and my now teenage daughter is the one suffering. I chose her mom. I wish I had chosen my daughter as difficult as it would have been.

I don't get a do-over. There are no do-overs.

Cyranoak

laurie6781

Yes, please check with your local Welfare office. Not only for possible 'child care' options while you search for a full time job, but Food Stamps and health insurance (medicaid) for your children.

Also check with some attorneys (in that first 1/2 to 1 hour pro bono while you 'attorney shop') about the possibilities of a 'formal separation' since you seem not ready to leave for good.

The separation would order child support, and probably if asked for supervised visitation by your AH. This will allow you 'legal' time away from him for probably at least a year to watch his 'actions' to see if he is doing anything for his own recovery.

I personally do not recommend allowing your children to be in this 'family' picture with an alcoholic in the house, either one still practicing or in the throes of early recovery. Children are like little sponges and you would be amazed at what they absorb, both good and bad (go have a read over at the Adult Children of A's forum) and it stays with them for life.

Work the program you would like to see your A work! It might rub off from a distance or together or not. As a mom, you are the only protector of those precious babies!

Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are walking with you in spirit.

As a recovering alcoholic addict with many years in continuous recovery and as a recovering co dependent, again with many years in continuous recovery, the ONLY thing I can recommend is:

Take care of you and your children, regardless of your A. He has shown you he is useless, therefore it is up to you to care totally for you and your children. What he does or doesn't do won't change a thing for those precious babies.

Love and hugs,