23missb

Our story starts further back than 2008, but this seems like a good place to begin. In 2008, things came to a head on a family vacation in Jamaica. Prior to leaving on vacation I started finding empty bottles (mostly vodka but sometimes beer) in random places around the house. They were clearly intended to be hidden. In the far corner of the front or back closet or in the back of the pantry... I found these by accident initially while cleaning or looking for something else and then I began actively searching the house for them. At one point I opened the lid of the trash bin in the back and it was 3/4 full of empty bottles. My heart sank and I knew we were dealing with something pretty big.

We went to Jamaica for my friend's wedding. I was the maid of honour. When we were in the midst of the ceremony, I could tell just by looking at my husband that he was drunk. He's very depressive and his eyes instantly glaze over. Because I was in the wedding party, he was in charge of looking after our daughters, they were almost 5 and almost 8 at the time. After the ceremony I had to take photos with the wedding party etc. When we got to the reception I asked my friend the bride where my husband and girls should be sitting as they weren't there. I left the reception to search the hotel property and call up to the room. I didn't find them and there was no answer. I decided to go up to the room and as the elevator door opened, I could hear screaming and knew instantly that it was my youngest daughter. I got to the room and the door was wide open. My husband was face down on the bed. When my older daughter saw me, she burst into tears too. My almost 8 year old looked at me and said, "daddy drinks too much." I managed to wake him, and I told him that if he didn't get help when we went home, then we were gone. My girls and I went downstairs and participated in the reception, but we had a weight over us.

When we came home, my husband put in some attempt. He saw a dr. got put on some anti-depressants (though he didn't fare well on those) and we went to some information sessions about addictions put on through the addictions unit of our health care. We began living like roommates, him in the basement of our home. He had a few instances where he stayed out all night to drink and do drugs, even though we had things like our daughter's birthday party early the next day. I didn't know what to do. That Christmas was terrible and in January of 2009 I told him that he needed to leave. His attempts at getting help were short lived, he seemed to just be getting worse, and I needed to stick with what I had told him in Jamaica.

He had also been putting our children at risk by driving them around when he clearly wasn't capable of doing so. We tried to maintain a decent relationship for our children. He came over at least once a week for dinner with us and he attempted to join in on the holidays, but he always ended up leaving early... The pull of partying and drugs and new women stronger than his children. This is probably an unfair statement but very much how it felt. So there was a LOT of anger between us. I hated him and his choices and picking all of this **** over our children and me.

He attempted to overdose. He began using cocaine regularly, though I didn't know that yet. He got into a fender bender and he was in a company vehicle so if they went through his company to deal with it he would've failed the drug test that would be mandatory. He asked me for money to pay the thing off and I gave it to him. How stupid of me. But I was scared considering that he was still the primary bread winner, giving me money each month to support our children. I had a job but only part time and not enough to pay for the house we had built. We didn't want to move our children out of their home where they felt comfortable and had friends while there was so much other uncertainty around them.

Things continued in a terrible state until Canada Day 2010. He failed to show up yet again for a family outing we had planned. I harassed him. Calling his phone repeatedly until he finally picked it up. I was worried that he had hurt himself as I often worried when I couldn't get in touch with him. I demanded to know where he was and what kinds of drugs he had been doing last night. I could hear his "friends" laughing in the background. He finally said, "I want help" and I told him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the rock that he needed and do everything for him, but that I would contact his family for him so they could help him, and I would offer support when I felt I could. And the process of recovery was started.

He couldn't be left alone for awhile and he knew it. He stayed with us or his family constantly. He went through withdrawals before being able to get into treatment. Watching him go through the withdrawals was pretty awful. He finally got into treatment and we (me and our daughters) supported him while he was in rehab, by going to every visiting day to hang out with him and bring him food etc. After he got out, we started spending more and more time together and went on a family road trip together for 10 days despite not being "together".

I knew he had gotten into a relationship with someone he met in rehab almost immediately and I told him I thought he really need to focus on his recovery, not establishing new romantic relationships. I imagine this is because despite the fact that I had been dating while we were separated (we aren't technically married, but we've been together since 1999 and had our first daughter in 2000), I still held a torch for him. I still wanted to us to work out in the end.

We officially got back together in summer of 2011 and moved to an acreage just outside of the city. He hasn't relapsed with drugs since rehab, but the booze has been a different story. He was really good about going to NA when he first got out of rehab, but that tapered off and he felt fine so he wasn't going at all anymore. I found out later that he was associating with some of those old people who were still heavy into the drinking and drug use and since he works out of town away from home for stretches at a time, I really had no idea how good or bad he was doing there but I was pretty sure on numerous occasions that he was drinking part of the time.

I felt very much the fool. Like, how much is a person/family supposed to take? I wondered if I was just being stupid about the whole thing. Should I just give up now? I guess I had to figure out what my own personal limits were - I think I'm still defining those.

This past Christmas he got a DUI and lost his license as a result. We are all very disappointed. Our younger daughter worried about him going to jail and our older daughter wrote some poetry about how much she hated his decision to get behind the wheel while drunk.

I realize that we have done nothing really for ourselves though. So although long overdue, I finally have an appointment made with a counsellor so that myself and our daughters can access some supports.

I know I can't control what he does or doesn't do. His choices are his and his alone. I realized I have no desire to leave him and split our family up again, which I told him. But I also told him that if we do split up again, it will have to be for good because being in and out of a relationship cannot be good for our children. I hope that we don't ever get to a place again where I feel that is the choice I have to make. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Despite everything, I know he is a good, intelligent, loving person. He is an amazing father and he treats me incredibly well. But he has a disease.

So my daughters (now 9.5 and 12.5) and I are looking for ways to minimize the impact of the disease on us. How do we support him in recovery without enabling? How do we separate the disease from him? They are incredibly forgiving and I'm sure I could learn a lesson or two from them, but I fear that they will become hardened and disillusioned by their experiences with their father's disease...

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You and your daughters have seen and heard a lot from the addict in your life. We understand.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took some time for me to finally accept that concept. When I did, I also wanted to be sure that my children understood it too. They needed to know that they did not Cause their dad to drink, and they could not Control his drinking by their own behaviors, and finally they did not have the power to Cure his addictions.

I learned a lot here at SR, through Alanon and from reading self improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody B.

Reading in the permanent posts, located at the top of this main page, has helped me find strength from other's experiences, and the shares of members who have found a better way. Here are links to two of my favorite SR posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

and this one too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Stick around, we care about you!

Tuffgirl

Welcome! I can't say it better than Pelican, but wanted to let you know you found a good place to be. I highly recommend Al-Anon. Give it at least 6 meetings, and vary your meetings so you can get the flavor of each group you visit. Consider working the steps of the program with a good sponsor.

Read about addictions, as much as you can find. I like reviews on Amazon.com...often one book will be reviewed by someone who also makes suggestions for others. It's what I call the snowball effect. ; )

Read the other forums here. Attend open AA or NA meetings. For me, this was an awesome way of developing empathy; as well as finding hope.

Lastly, be there for your kids. They need you, and I would imagine are very confused and disappointed, not to mention afraid for their own future.

Keep posting and keep coming back!
~T

stella27

Hi. Welcome. You are so not alone.

Can you tell the tale as "my story"? Sometimes that helps me put things in perspective. Because HIS choices are HIS choices, and yours should be yours. I had a bad habit of being his cheerleader and doing whatever it took to get us through and all I got was in deeper with alcoholism.

lizatola

I can't add much to what has already been said, as I am also living in my own chaos having chosen to stay with my spouse as well. What I can add, though, is that you are doing the right thing getting help for your girls and for you. My AH got a DUI last February, went to jail in June and didn't even tell our son he was going away for a few days. He got lucky, too, and only got 3 days in jail and then 14 days of home detention. I had to tell our son where dad was and I have had him in counseling on and off(he's 14, by the way).

My son isn't interested in AlaTeen yet, but I am very involved in Al Anon and I find it invaluable. Your oldest would definitely be at a good age for the program. Keep coming back and asking questions. Share your story. So many of us have been there done that to some degree and we understand. Hugs to you today!

23missb

I meant "our story" as in mine and my daughters' not my husband's. I think I am still the voice for my children at this point so "our" includes them and what I know they've been through. I know his story and perspective are not going to be the same as ours. I'd like to be his cheerleader in terms of encouraging his recovery, but I really don't want to enable (and I know previous actions have been exactly that), so I'm trying to figure out where that line is.

Katiekate

23missb, thank you so much for sharing your story.

You are a pretty amazing woman, your husband is blessed ten times over.

The first thing that struck me was hearing you call yourself a fool, you are not a fool, from what I read from you , every step you took was with hope and good intentions, that makes your husband the fool, not you.

The one thing I have learned in my journey, has been that the one an only thing I need to do when someone else is in chaos is to move away and do whatever it is I need to do to take care of me, it has been for me, the one thing that keeps me from being an enabler for anyone. I certainly have not perfected it, but there is a peace in my life these days that I never thought possible.

There really is not much else I can add. I hope you continue to post here and reach out if things feel hard.

We care, much love to you Katie

CeciliaV

Thank you for sharing - welcome to SR, and so sorry for what brought you here.

I too, have been having a difficult time figuring out where that line is. It feels like it keeps moving on me! As I grow and learn more and focus more on my own recovery, the line gets a little less fuzzy. Each day, I am trying to define my line for that day. I can't worry about tomorrow's - I'll figure out tomorrow when I get there, and I'll know if it's been crossed.

Doing things for you and your children is healthy, and it sounds like you are doing just that - bravo! Great steps to take. Keep going, keep working on you and your kids - that's where your focus needs to be. Your husband has to focus on his recovery on his own (and by that I just mean it's his thing to worry about, not that he has to go out on his own to do so).

And I totally hear you and empathize. Staying out of cheerleader mode is terribly hard for those of us who are used to shaking our pom poms - I've tried to stow mine away. It's okay to be supportive of healthy steps he takes, but it doesn't mean you have to be effusive about it. A simple nod or "mmmhmm" or "good" or "ok," or hell, even "isn't that something" will do - he doesn't need a SISS-BOOM-BAH cheer from you or from anyone else. I'm also finding that if I can't say something that doesn't sound enabling or overly WOOHOO!, keeping my mouth shut is perfectly fine.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.