I am a fool, but looking for advice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
"egomaniacs with an inferiority complex."
Interesting observation. Whenever I try to understand my RAS's personality type, there are so many contradictions. He's completely self centered (getting better by tiny bits) and self important, yet has low self esteem. Very hard to understand.
Interesting observation. Whenever I try to understand my RAS's personality type, there are so many contradictions. He's completely self centered (getting better by tiny bits) and self important, yet has low self esteem. Very hard to understand.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the disease makes us selfish (because we have to put the addiction first), the egomania is us trying to look like we are OK, and the low-self esteem comes from knowing, deep down, that we are screwing up, big-time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Crazed, I will share a little secret with you.
I still check the obituary section of the local daily newspaper. Holding my breath everyday. As I know it's just a matter of time before XA drinks himself out of this world.
I have had so many unsettling thoughts regarding his well being. What if he slips on the ice walking home from the bar drunk, knocks himself unconscious, and dies of exposure. What if he vomits in his sleep and aspirates. What if he passes out with a cigarette in his hand, and starts a fire. And you know what ? I have to reel myself back in every time.
I cannot change the outcome for him. I can feel empathy, I can say a prayer, but this is not my destiny. It's his.
He already has had his near death experience with kidney failure. I am certain the doctor's told him to stop drinking...... yet he continues on, he just cannot quit to save his own life.
My above post was not meant to sound heartless or insensitive to what you are living. I really understand, I get it.
Sending you positive healing thoughts. Keep taking care of you, my friend.
I still check the obituary section of the local daily newspaper. Holding my breath everyday. As I know it's just a matter of time before XA drinks himself out of this world.
I have had so many unsettling thoughts regarding his well being. What if he slips on the ice walking home from the bar drunk, knocks himself unconscious, and dies of exposure. What if he vomits in his sleep and aspirates. What if he passes out with a cigarette in his hand, and starts a fire. And you know what ? I have to reel myself back in every time.
I cannot change the outcome for him. I can feel empathy, I can say a prayer, but this is not my destiny. It's his.
He already has had his near death experience with kidney failure. I am certain the doctor's told him to stop drinking...... yet he continues on, he just cannot quit to save his own life.
My above post was not meant to sound heartless or insensitive to what you are living. I really understand, I get it.
Sending you positive healing thoughts. Keep taking care of you, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Crazed - just another lesson learned. I had to learn the same lessons myself, as do most of us here. Don't be too hard on yourself - just vow to do better next time. You know you are still trying to control her, and I think you also know that you can't now (and why that is), but behaviors become habits that can be hard to break.
Peace, it does get easier over time.
~T
Peace, it does get easier over time.
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
This is why alcoholism is considered a contagious disease, it's making you as sick as she is. You didn't just break no contact, you went all in to control things right away. You don't want her driving drunk, so next time call 911 when you see her out driving drunk and let the police do what they're paid to do. Taking her car from her is control, and does nothing to stop her drinking. It likely only annoys her, and she doesn't suffer the natural consequences of her actions.
You want her to get well, but you don't follow the advice of the expert...her sponsor. There is a sentence in "Courage to Change" that helped me stay out of my BF's way with his drinking. It's in the March 19th reading. "I don't know what is best for others because I don't know the lessons their Higher Power is offering them." Basically, when we step in to their stuff, we are impeding their HP.
You are concerned about everybody and everything...except yourself. Who is looking after you? Who is concerned about your emotional and physical health?
This may sound harsh, and I apologize if it comes across that way. I've been in the crazy spin cycle with my BF, I know the dance. It nearly killed me. Me...not him. I had to detach. It's hard to watch someone do things that threaten their health, even their life. But as long as we intervene, there is NO chance that it will change.
Her sponsor is the objective wise one here, listen to her. Remain no contact. Keep going to AlAnon and work on your own life. You only have one. Peace to you.
You want her to get well, but you don't follow the advice of the expert...her sponsor. There is a sentence in "Courage to Change" that helped me stay out of my BF's way with his drinking. It's in the March 19th reading. "I don't know what is best for others because I don't know the lessons their Higher Power is offering them." Basically, when we step in to their stuff, we are impeding their HP.
You are concerned about everybody and everything...except yourself. Who is looking after you? Who is concerned about your emotional and physical health?
This may sound harsh, and I apologize if it comes across that way. I've been in the crazy spin cycle with my BF, I know the dance. It nearly killed me. Me...not him. I had to detach. It's hard to watch someone do things that threaten their health, even their life. But as long as we intervene, there is NO chance that it will change.
Her sponsor is the objective wise one here, listen to her. Remain no contact. Keep going to AlAnon and work on your own life. You only have one. Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
"As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
She will not stop doing what she is doing...until she hits her bottom.
You will not stop doing what you are doing...until you hit your bottom.
So far, neither of you have done so.
I would keep going to meetings, and possibly get yourself into therapy. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Sending support your way.
You will not stop doing what you are doing...until you hit your bottom.
So far, neither of you have done so.
I would keep going to meetings, and possibly get yourself into therapy. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Sending support your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by marie1960 
What if he slips on the ice walking home from the bar drunk, knocks himself unconscious, and dies of exposure. What if he vomits in his sleep and aspirates. What if he passes out with a cigarette in his hand, and starts a fire. And you know what ? I have to reel myself back in every time.
I cannot change the outcome for him. I can feel empathy, I can say a prayer, but this is not my destiny. It's his.
I cannot change the outcome for him. I can feel empathy, I can say a prayer, but this is not my destiny. It's his.
Those "what ifs" are also why I made my XAH leave. I don't want to find his dead body and I will not allow him to AGAIN set the house on fire while I and the kids are sleeping. He used to stumble around this house drunkenly muttering to himself about how he was going to kill himself. Well, now he can kill himself whenever and wherever he pleases. He can do it with drugs or alcohol or fire - I don't care. I won't be the one finding his body.
I don't relish the thought of the suicide note he'll leave - it will blame me. Steeling myself for that last QUACK.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Recovering2
This is why alcoholism is considered a contagious disease, it's making you as sick as she is.
Originally Posted by Crazed
I waited until she got out of the car, grabbed the keys from her, then saw the drink in the car.
Fast forward a few hours. Her car is at my house.
I almost took the puppy back to the breeder.
I also did some other codependent things- called some of her friends from AA, her family members, her sponsor, etc, to let them know that her and her program are failing. I think she needs full lockdown rehab.
Fast forward a few hours. Her car is at my house.
I almost took the puppy back to the breeder.
I also did some other codependent things- called some of her friends from AA, her family members, her sponsor, etc, to let them know that her and her program are failing. I think she needs full lockdown rehab.
Originally Posted by Recovering2
You didn't just break no contact, you went all in to control things right away. You don't want her driving drunk, so next time call 911 when you see her out driving drunk and let the police do what they're paid to do. Taking her car from her is control, and does nothing to stop her drinking. It likely only annoys her, and she doesn't suffer the natural consequences of her actions
I think this is so well said. Beyond that, think about this from her distorted POV for just a moment. (Not that she's in ANY way right, but to play devil's advocate....)
She's doing her thing in her own buzzed-up, irrational way & next thing she knows you come charging in, take possession of her vehicle & her new pet & start making unilateral decisions about how to "fix" everything that in her opinion, needs no fixing. Which is why you got this reaction, of course:
Originally Posted by Crazed
The EXAG was not as adorable. She would barely speak, other than to throw out jabs:
"You never loved me enough to get a puppy when we lived together"
"You are only here to rub it in my face what a f*up I am"
"I was never good enough for you, you will be better off without me."
"How could I, the terrible f*up that I am, care for a puppy."
....and so on.
"You never loved me enough to get a puppy when we lived together"
"You are only here to rub it in my face what a f*up I am"
"I was never good enough for you, you will be better off without me."
"How could I, the terrible f*up that I am, care for a puppy."
....and so on.
What you don't see is that all of your efforts are just adding fuel to her fire, making YOU look like the out of control crazy person & making her feel justified in her every action.
I know in AA they encourage newly sober members to hit 90 meetings in 90 days to help force that constant connection with recovery & keep focused on fighting their addictive urges. Have you considered doing a sort of Al-Anon boot camp in similar fashion? Go NC & just immerse yourself in recovery? Just a thought. I hope today is a better day for you Crazed.
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