stella27

I posted early in the week about the nasty texting I got from XH for being late. I somehow can't get over it. I had to see him today as he and his mom picked my kids up from my house. I saw him throw some sort of tantrum about how our 10 year old daughter packed (she wanted to pack herself).

I dropped them at a meeting spot, then came back to my house. Next thing I knew they were at my house. He was sending my daughter back in to get a real suitcase (she had packed in a tote bag). She asked if I had a suitcase, I said "no." because I didn't, and there's nothing wrong with what she had. It can be checked. It zips.

She got back in his car. I could tell from his body language that he was angry and it really flashed me back.

It scares me for my kids. He wasn't yelling, but he was surly and irritated. His mom is with them, and she isn't going to tolerate his acting ugly to them, so that's good, but all week (and tonight - they are gone on spring break), I have been really triggered by his hostility and rage.

I haven't had to live with that a$$ in 3 1/2 years and all I can think about is the things he used to say and the way it made me feel, and I hurt down in my bones.

What is going on here?

LexieCat

Well, it may not TECHNICALLY be PTSD, but I sure have certain things that seem to trigger an emotional reaction.

The kids are away for Spring Break, you have some time for yourself. Please try not to spend it dwelling on the past jerkiness. Be grateful you don't have to live with that kind of behavior every day anymore. Do something nice for yourself to celebrate.

pixilation

Yep, same here, I haven't lived with x for over 18 months, and a text or series of texts from him make my blood pressure rise. I do probably have secondary ptsd though.

stella27

This is crazy, but sometimes I feel like acknowledging the past hurts and taking advantage of a little bit of quiet time to actually feel them is kind of healthy? Because most of my time is spent trying to work or raise children or be efficient and productive. I very rarely process any emotions because I just don't have time.

I certainly don't wish to re-live it exactly, but it is somewhat cathartic to release a little emotion.

pixilation

That makes complete sense, if you don't acknowledge the past, you can't grow and learn from it, or recover.

marie1960

The bottom line..... it should not matter if your daughter shows up to her dad's in a paper bag.

His anger/bull crap is directed at you.

While I have never walked in your shoes, I just know my kids could show up at my door with the clothes on their back, and we would be just fine.....

As parents/adults we just work it out. Please do not allow his disfunction to rule your world.


((((( big hugs))))))))))

GettingBy

The triggers get less sensitive in time - that's the good news. What has helped me was having honest conversations with my kids about acceptable and unacceptable behavior. While we NEVER speak directly about their father, I make sure they know that it doesn't matter how old or who someone is... Unacceptable is unacceptable... And we can't change or control people but we CAN set boundaries.

I had to teach m kids this because I 1) can't stop visitation with my XAH 2) I can't protect them when they are with him and 3) he is still sooo very angry. Giving them the tool of detachment is sooo critical for helping them deal with their father. Knowing they have a recovery program going along with them really helps me relax.

dandylion

Dear stella, I am concerned that y ou need m ore emotional support than you are getting. Of course, we are all here on the forum for you---and we aren't going away--LOL!!

I remember being EXACTLY in your position---3 small children, working full time, harrassing and hostile ex-husband. Being so worried and stressed that I sometimes wondered if I was going crazy!!

I can tell you that having others that are on your side that you can talk to--and ventilate--and help sort out your feelings is absolutely essential. I think you have more life energy going out than you have coming in.

Getting an alanon counselor is one way that doesn't cost you anything. A counselor is another source. I leaned a lot on other single mothers from my daycare and the kid's school. We mutually helped each other soo much--probably saved my life.

Don't underestimate the emotional boost you will get from contact with other understanding people!

One of the best ways of helping your children is to help yourself. You are their rock.

Please, keep us appraised as to how you are doing. We care.

sincerely, dandylion

ghost99

I am not an expert by any means, but I would say most definatly that living with an addict creates PTSD type of reactions. I have actually always wondered this. I am OIF combat veteran and I would say that the anxiety of dealing with an addict is far worse, at least for me from what I experienced (There are combat veterans who dealt with FAR worse than I have so I am not speaking for everyone). Everyone's deals with traumatic experiences in a different way. Like I said, for me, I have never felt worse anxiety than dealing with an addict.

my3sonsnme

Ive wondered about the PTSD thing myself. When I and my STBXRAH first split up I was stressed to say the least. I lost 20 lbs that I really didn't need to lose. My hair was falling out to the point I had to get steroid injections in my scalp to stop it. I had huge bald spots. I could not sleep threw the night EVER. I still have a problem with that...Ive learned to live on 4-5 hrs on a good night. there are still sounds or things I see that will trigger me into a sweating, heart racing mess. I know the As have a hard time in recovery...but I think we have it just as hard. Like ghost99 said, I to have NEVER had anxiety like I have had dealing with my X.
I surely hope it gets easier to deal with for you stella