Your opinion/experience
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Your opinion/experience
This might be slightly off topic. This is about your opinions, thoughts, and experiences with leaving kids alone while parent works. 5 days a week. 12yo and 14yo. Normal kids, no specific concerns with them.
Alone from 8am-5pm shift?
Alone from Midnight - 8am shift?
In your experience do the courts have an opinion on this?
How do you feel personally about it?
Thank you for any input.
To fill out the story these are my kids. I work from 8-5 and they are alone some and do fine. I hire a sitter to watch my younger twins so they are not alone full time as the sitter comes and goes and makes lunch etc. Their dad (in recovery now as far as I know) wants them to come spend time with him this summer now that he has a place to live. He works from midnight to 8am so they would be alone 5 days a week during that time. The kids are not particularly worried about that. I'm feeling off kilter about it but they have never gone to spend time with him since the divorce so I'm just freaked out in general and need some outside opinions. I don't think he is asking for the younger boys (they will be 7yo) for more than a few days. I'm mixed on that. A) take your kids and parent. B) happy to have them at my house where I'm not worried.
Not sure how the courts will look at this. If they are OK with it than I'm spinning my wheels giving it any thought because there isn't a damn thing I could do about it anyway. If that is the case I'd rather just come to terms with it, prepare them, and wish them well ya know?
ETA: he is not and has never been abusive to them so I'm not at all worried about that.
Alone from 8am-5pm shift?
Alone from Midnight - 8am shift?
In your experience do the courts have an opinion on this?
How do you feel personally about it?
Thank you for any input.
To fill out the story these are my kids. I work from 8-5 and they are alone some and do fine. I hire a sitter to watch my younger twins so they are not alone full time as the sitter comes and goes and makes lunch etc. Their dad (in recovery now as far as I know) wants them to come spend time with him this summer now that he has a place to live. He works from midnight to 8am so they would be alone 5 days a week during that time. The kids are not particularly worried about that. I'm feeling off kilter about it but they have never gone to spend time with him since the divorce so I'm just freaked out in general and need some outside opinions. I don't think he is asking for the younger boys (they will be 7yo) for more than a few days. I'm mixed on that. A) take your kids and parent. B) happy to have them at my house where I'm not worried.
Not sure how the courts will look at this. If they are OK with it than I'm spinning my wheels giving it any thought because there isn't a damn thing I could do about it anyway. If that is the case I'd rather just come to terms with it, prepare them, and wish them well ya know?
ETA: he is not and has never been abusive to them so I'm not at all worried about that.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: GA, USA
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If he works from midnight until 8, hes going to be tired when he gets home, and spend most of the daytime sleeping. What kind of time will he actually get to spend with them while they are at his house?
As for leaving the kids alone, legally they arent of age to be left alone. I leave my children alone at times (13, 15, 17). The 17yr old is now old enough to technically "babysit." But before he was of age, I always worried if something happened while I was at work, and I had minors in the home w/no adults, I would get into a lot of trouble. Just talk to the judge and make sure, for yourself. Better to be safe than sorry.
Hope this helps, even if just a little.
As for leaving the kids alone, legally they arent of age to be left alone. I leave my children alone at times (13, 15, 17). The 17yr old is now old enough to technically "babysit." But before he was of age, I always worried if something happened while I was at work, and I had minors in the home w/no adults, I would get into a lot of trouble. Just talk to the judge and make sure, for yourself. Better to be safe than sorry.
Hope this helps, even if just a little.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I actually talked to a police officer about this very thing, back when my kids were younger. I was told, and of course, this applies to my state, that over the age of 12, with proof of access to help close by if they need it (nice neighbors), leaving them home alone wasn't illegal. But if there was an emergency, and something significant happened (serious injury, serious irresponsibility, serious infractions on the part of unsupervised kids running loose), child protective services may intervene. EMphasis on may.
So as a working single Mom, I made a decision and allowed my kids to be home alone for chunks of time after school and sometimes in the evenings if I am traveling, but always with supervision nearby (grandparents were good at checking in on those late nights.
Just last summer, I left my 18yo and 15yo alone for 4 nights/5 days to go to a conference in another town. I was worried, but all was well. The house was even clean when I got home!
I think its finding your comfort level and making sure your kids are mature and responsible and can handle themselves and any crisis they may encounter while being alone. But the key is maturity.
Good luck!
~T
So as a working single Mom, I made a decision and allowed my kids to be home alone for chunks of time after school and sometimes in the evenings if I am traveling, but always with supervision nearby (grandparents were good at checking in on those late nights.
Just last summer, I left my 18yo and 15yo alone for 4 nights/5 days to go to a conference in another town. I was worried, but all was well. The house was even clean when I got home!
I think its finding your comfort level and making sure your kids are mature and responsible and can handle themselves and any crisis they may encounter while being alone. But the key is maturity.
Good luck!
~T
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Originally Posted by Twinco 
I do not know the legal implications, but we left ours alone at that age while we worked with no problems. Just be sure you are in a safe neighborhood and that the kids are mature enough.
Originally Posted by Jen31
If he works from midnight until 8, hes going to be tired when he gets home, and spend most of the daytime sleeping. What kind of time will he actually get to spend with them while they are at his house?
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I actually talked to a police officer about this very thing, back when my kids were younger. I was told, and of course, this applies to my state, that over the age of 12, with proof of access to help close by if they need it (nice neighbors), leaving them home alone wasn't illegal. But if there was an emergency, and something significant happened (serious injury, serious irresponsibility, serious infractions on the part of unsupervised kids running loose), child protective services may intervene. EMphasis on may.
So as a working single Mom, I made a decision and allowed my kids to be home alone for chunks of time after school and sometimes in the evenings if I am traveling, but always with supervision nearby (grandparents were good at checking in on those late nights.
Just last summer, I left my 18yo and 15yo alone for 4 nights/5 days to go to a conference in another town. I was worried, but all was well. The house was even clean when I got home!
I think its finding your comfort level and making sure your kids are mature and responsible and can handle themselves and any crisis they may encounter while being alone. But the key is maturity.
Good luck!
~T
So as a working single Mom, I made a decision and allowed my kids to be home alone for chunks of time after school and sometimes in the evenings if I am traveling, but always with supervision nearby (grandparents were good at checking in on those late nights.
Just last summer, I left my 18yo and 15yo alone for 4 nights/5 days to go to a conference in another town. I was worried, but all was well. The house was even clean when I got home!
I think its finding your comfort level and making sure your kids are mature and responsible and can handle themselves and any crisis they may encounter while being alone. But the key is maturity.
Good luck!
~T
I'm getting myself a little confused because I'm so anxious about them going. I have fear bubbling up that is probably mostly fear that they won't want to come back home and then I feel like I can't judge the other concerns rationally. I do think if they get down there and things aren't going well he'll just bring them home early so that is good. It is about 8 hours away so weekends are not an option. I wish they were, that would be perfect. They haven't stayed with him at his house since we divorced in 2010. he hasn't had a house. He's been in treatment and then kind of a half way house/dorm living type deal. He's seen them once or twice a year but he was here at my house.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Thumper I understand your concern about the "at night" thing. As for it being a wash-not really because your kids are sleeping when you are sleeping.
Also, at night there are less people out and about if an emergency arises. XAH works gigs and will often put the kids in a hotel room (in the same place he is playing the gig). My kids are 8 and 12. They have a hard time falling asleep because it is an unfamiliar place and are usually wiped out by the time they get home and it takes them a few days to a week to recover from the lack of sleep.
Are they old enough to get themselves dinner, get ready for bed and go to bed, get themselves out of bed, make breakfast and all the other stuff? Have you talked to them about it--I guess until it is real you don't want to say much if it will cause them worry but it would be good to see how they feel about it.
Being alone during the day and being alone at night are two different things. They are on the same schedule as you but will not be on the same schedule as him.
Also, at night there are less people out and about if an emergency arises. XAH works gigs and will often put the kids in a hotel room (in the same place he is playing the gig). My kids are 8 and 12. They have a hard time falling asleep because it is an unfamiliar place and are usually wiped out by the time they get home and it takes them a few days to a week to recover from the lack of sleep.
Are they old enough to get themselves dinner, get ready for bed and go to bed, get themselves out of bed, make breakfast and all the other stuff? Have you talked to them about it--I guess until it is real you don't want to say much if it will cause them worry but it would be good to see how they feel about it.
Being alone during the day and being alone at night are two different things. They are on the same schedule as you but will not be on the same schedule as him.
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I just asked them one time what they thought about being alone at night and they were ok with it but they have no real way to judge since it has never happened.
I would guess the 14yo will stay up most of the night playing video games and then sleep half the day with his dad. He will adjust his schedule since he is a night owl and teenager now that can sleep in. That will make it even harder/lonelier for 12yo because right now he does not sleep in, even when he is up late. He is either not built to adjust his schedule like that or not old enough. I also suspect, that like your kids, he won't sleep well alone.
I would guess the 14yo will stay up most of the night playing video games and then sleep half the day with his dad. He will adjust his schedule since he is a night owl and teenager now that can sleep in. That will make it even harder/lonelier for 12yo because right now he does not sleep in, even when he is up late. He is either not built to adjust his schedule like that or not old enough. I also suspect, that like your kids, he won't sleep well alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Maybe start off with a shorter block of time to begin with and see how it goes? See what the kids' comfort level is--as you said, they are not used to spending all that time at Dad's house.
I don't find it terribly alarming in principle, as long as they have people close by to help out if they need them, and are reasonably mature and trustworthy. You can check in with them every day and talk to both of them and get a sense of how they are feeling about the arrangements.
I don't find it terribly alarming in principle, as long as they have people close by to help out if they need them, and are reasonably mature and trustworthy. You can check in with them every day and talk to both of them and get a sense of how they are feeling about the arrangements.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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I think it would look bad on you to agree to having your young children unsupervised overnight. The risk of something bad happening is greater overnight.
Overnight is just different from daytime. It just is. You need reasons to back up your intuition?
1. Children are often scared of the dark.
2. a burglar breaking in would surprise them while they slept.
3. I think it puts too much pressure of being mature on them.
4. They will not sleep well.
5. They will be just as unsupervised in the morning, as someone pointed out.
I would never leave kids that age alone overnight. I don't leave my 11 and 10 for more than an hour at a time - and only when I have to.
You are right, Thumper. Stick to your guns.
Overnight is just different from daytime. It just is. You need reasons to back up your intuition?
1. Children are often scared of the dark.
2. a burglar breaking in would surprise them while they slept.
3. I think it puts too much pressure of being mature on them.
4. They will not sleep well.
5. They will be just as unsupervised in the morning, as someone pointed out.
I would never leave kids that age alone overnight. I don't leave my 11 and 10 for more than an hour at a time - and only when I have to.
You are right, Thumper. Stick to your guns.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Hey Thumper, I'll throw my $.02 in even though DD hasn't reached this age yet. For me overnights alone is very different than being left alone during the daytime for the same reasons the other have already posted.
That said, my niece turned 13 this year & has been staying home at nights on her own & babysitting her 1-yr old brother for a few months now. While I think she's A-ok on her own, having her in charge of the baby stills put me on edge, but in reality I can't take them every night that my sister works & she isn't gone overnight - she is home by 2am if not earlier. And I'm 5 mins away by car - if something happens she knows to call me asap, right after calling 911 if necessary.
My DD is the type of kid that runs 100 miles an hour all day & never slows down until she stops for rest or sleep. At night is when she tends to get sick & whatever symptoms she's been able to suppress all day start becoming obvious. I can't tell you how many times she's woken in the dead of night with fevers or growing pains or even just feeling sick to her stomach & needing to vomit. Mid of night is apparantly her weakest time of day physically & she often wakes me after I've gone to bed. (maybe not often, but often enough.)
I realize your kids are older & that changes things, but I with the "follow your gut" camp on this one: no one knows their kids' needs better than a Mama Bear.
That said, my niece turned 13 this year & has been staying home at nights on her own & babysitting her 1-yr old brother for a few months now. While I think she's A-ok on her own, having her in charge of the baby stills put me on edge, but in reality I can't take them every night that my sister works & she isn't gone overnight - she is home by 2am if not earlier. And I'm 5 mins away by car - if something happens she knows to call me asap, right after calling 911 if necessary.
My DD is the type of kid that runs 100 miles an hour all day & never slows down until she stops for rest or sleep. At night is when she tends to get sick & whatever symptoms she's been able to suppress all day start becoming obvious. I can't tell you how many times she's woken in the dead of night with fevers or growing pains or even just feeling sick to her stomach & needing to vomit. Mid of night is apparantly her weakest time of day physically & she often wakes me after I've gone to bed. (maybe not often, but often enough.)
I realize your kids are older & that changes things, but I with the "follow your gut" camp on this one: no one knows their kids' needs better than a Mama Bear.
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For me, it seems the kids are old enough to be alone for these stretches of time with contact numbers and instructions in case of emergencies. I am sure they are already of aware of those things b/c of their experience with you in their own home.
The thing that would concern me is the fact that you referred to their dad as "in recovery as far as I know." That part is the if-y part.
If he truly is recovered, you should know that he would take care of them, just like you have, regardless of the hours they are alone and taking care of themselves. If you are unsure about his recovery, then I would probably not let them go or I would modify the time frame.
Also, asking the kids how they feel about it is good too. My children (who are younger) are very aware of their sister's problems (unfortunately) and voice the fact that they absolutely 100% do not want her around. Im sure your children will too.
The thing that would concern me is the fact that you referred to their dad as "in recovery as far as I know." That part is the if-y part.
If he truly is recovered, you should know that he would take care of them, just like you have, regardless of the hours they are alone and taking care of themselves. If you are unsure about his recovery, then I would probably not let them go or I would modify the time frame.
Also, asking the kids how they feel about it is good too. My children (who are younger) are very aware of their sister's problems (unfortunately) and voice the fact that they absolutely 100% do not want her around. Im sure your children will too.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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my kids are 10 and 11...i have called Social Services for the same thing in CANADA...i am a single mom..trying to make ends meet...
age 10 is the legal limit to leave kids unattended...my kids are responsible i am only gone 3 hrs every day for work....
dunno what to say with this...its a hard judgement call...take to the older kids and feel them out...
age 10 is the legal limit to leave kids unattended...my kids are responsible i am only gone 3 hrs every day for work....
dunno what to say with this...its a hard judgement call...take to the older kids and feel them out...
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For me, it would totally depend on
a) the kids and
b) the neighborhood
My kids are approximately the same age as yours. They're fine being home alone the occasional day (school vacation days when I work). I'm not 100% comfortable with it, given the neighborhood I live in, but they've got enough street smarts that they'd know what do do if someone broke in.
At night? Objectively, if I think about it, I think "they're going to be asleep so what's the big deal?" but I know my kids would not be able to handle it. The same house that's a cozy home when Mom is home has a lot of scary noises and shadows once night falls. Even if Mom is home.
But that's my kids.
I think a bigger issue to me would be their father being "in recovery as far as I know." I think any kind of arrangement in another city if I wasn't sure of his status re: alcohol would make me very, very nervous even if you didn't have the additional worry about him leaving them alone at night.
a) the kids and
b) the neighborhood
My kids are approximately the same age as yours. They're fine being home alone the occasional day (school vacation days when I work). I'm not 100% comfortable with it, given the neighborhood I live in, but they've got enough street smarts that they'd know what do do if someone broke in.
At night? Objectively, if I think about it, I think "they're going to be asleep so what's the big deal?" but I know my kids would not be able to handle it. The same house that's a cozy home when Mom is home has a lot of scary noises and shadows once night falls. Even if Mom is home.
But that's my kids.
I think a bigger issue to me would be their father being "in recovery as far as I know." I think any kind of arrangement in another city if I wasn't sure of his status re: alcohol would make me very, very nervous even if you didn't have the additional worry about him leaving them alone at night.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Just making a comment on my past experience with leaving my daughter 'adult less' for a short while in the evening.
At the time she was 13 and although we had left her for an hour or two during the day on her own, the evening was a completely different matter. We had been invited out by friends and she was adamant that she would be ok until we got back. Not so!!! An hour or so after going out we had a phone call from my SIL to say daughter was feeling a bit distressed and that she was now sitting with her so we came home.
Your kids may well be fine but I think you need to know that there is some one real close by that they can call if needed and who will go to them if needed.
Having said that I recall in the dim and distant past being more than ok when my parents left me on my own. Got myself to bed without them and woke up in the morning with them making breakfast.
I think you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable as I'm sure your kids will be fine if you are.
At the time she was 13 and although we had left her for an hour or two during the day on her own, the evening was a completely different matter. We had been invited out by friends and she was adamant that she would be ok until we got back. Not so!!! An hour or so after going out we had a phone call from my SIL to say daughter was feeling a bit distressed and that she was now sitting with her so we came home.
Your kids may well be fine but I think you need to know that there is some one real close by that they can call if needed and who will go to them if needed.
Having said that I recall in the dim and distant past being more than ok when my parents left me on my own. Got myself to bed without them and woke up in the morning with them making breakfast.
I think you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable as I'm sure your kids will be fine if you are.
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I do believe he is sober/in recovery right now. I don't really talk to him - we email. He was here in January and other than some anxiety he was fine. He has terrible anxiety . He was in treatment for that as long as he was for alcohol I think. If that gets to out of hand he'll just call and tell me to come and get them. With just the older boys I imagine it will be OK. I do worry that the 12yo will not like being home alone. I guess it is just a matter of making sure he knows he can call and I'll arrange to come and get him. No one will be mad or blamed or anything - it just is what it is.
I am not really OK with the overnights alone. It doesn't sit right with me and I would never do it but I can't really say I have a specific concern either. The kids are fine (ie I'm not worried they would find trouble). I have left them for 8hrs here and there but it was during the day and not a steady thing day after day. It is 8hrs away from me and there is no way for me to make sure they are introduced to neighbors or all the things I might do if I were the one leaving them.
I wanted to know other peoples opinions before I got to crazy with it. There is a court order that they go to his house in the summer. If this is a judgement call and not a legal issue I'm not sure there is anything I can do really? He is not abusive and doesn't do crazy things. He may be kind of neglectful in minor ways but they are old enough to get food on their own and in summer there is no school or anything. I'm sure they won't shower much and eat a lot of junk but that won't kill them. This trip and spending time with their dad can be really good for them - I just wish this overnight thing wasn't a part of it.
I am not really OK with the overnights alone. It doesn't sit right with me and I would never do it but I can't really say I have a specific concern either. The kids are fine (ie I'm not worried they would find trouble). I have left them for 8hrs here and there but it was during the day and not a steady thing day after day. It is 8hrs away from me and there is no way for me to make sure they are introduced to neighbors or all the things I might do if I were the one leaving them.
I wanted to know other peoples opinions before I got to crazy with it. There is a court order that they go to his house in the summer. If this is a judgement call and not a legal issue I'm not sure there is anything I can do really? He is not abusive and doesn't do crazy things. He may be kind of neglectful in minor ways but they are old enough to get food on their own and in summer there is no school or anything. I'm sure they won't shower much and eat a lot of junk but that won't kill them. This trip and spending time with their dad can be really good for them - I just wish this overnight thing wasn't a part of it.
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