Can my xabf really change?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Can my xabf really change?
Hi everyone
It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I ended my 3.5 year relationship with xabf in early january. It was very difficult but I couldn't take the lies and drinking anymore.
Since then It's been tough, but I'm surviving I finally felt upbeat enough last week to go out with my friends. We had such a good time but it was weird not being there with xabf.
Then the following day he turned up at my door. He was sober and stayed for 3 hours begging me to reconsider the relationship. He said that he accepts 100% responsibility, accepted that he was a "lousy boyfriend" and that he has "made the worst decision of his life" by choosing a party lifestyle over me.
I stayed calm and because I had a good night the previous night I was feeling quite optimistic about moving on.
But he literally begged me to reconsider. He promised to attend AA and walk away from the friends he parties with. I told him that in a hypothetical situation of me taking him back I would not allow him to move back in with me and told him I needed to think about things. After he left I broke down and cried. He phoned yesterday and restated all he had the previous day. Then today on my drive home from work I had to pull in as I was crying so much. I haven't cried in weeks and now all the emotions are resurfacing.
Of course I love and miss him but can I really trust that he could change.
Also, if he is not living with me how can I be sure that he is making the changes?? I work in another city so for 10 nights a month I am away from home. He could literally be doing anything on those nights. But I would like to think that he could change. I don't know what to do. I honestly have no clear thoughts. I'm scared of getting hurt again by him but I'm also scared of moving on in case he really could change. I know time is important but I don't want this back and forth and wondering
It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I ended my 3.5 year relationship with xabf in early january. It was very difficult but I couldn't take the lies and drinking anymore.
Since then It's been tough, but I'm surviving I finally felt upbeat enough last week to go out with my friends. We had such a good time but it was weird not being there with xabf.
Then the following day he turned up at my door. He was sober and stayed for 3 hours begging me to reconsider the relationship. He said that he accepts 100% responsibility, accepted that he was a "lousy boyfriend" and that he has "made the worst decision of his life" by choosing a party lifestyle over me.
I stayed calm and because I had a good night the previous night I was feeling quite optimistic about moving on.
But he literally begged me to reconsider. He promised to attend AA and walk away from the friends he parties with. I told him that in a hypothetical situation of me taking him back I would not allow him to move back in with me and told him I needed to think about things. After he left I broke down and cried. He phoned yesterday and restated all he had the previous day. Then today on my drive home from work I had to pull in as I was crying so much. I haven't cried in weeks and now all the emotions are resurfacing.
Of course I love and miss him but can I really trust that he could change.
Also, if he is not living with me how can I be sure that he is making the changes?? I work in another city so for 10 nights a month I am away from home. He could literally be doing anything on those nights. But I would like to think that he could change. I don't know what to do. I honestly have no clear thoughts. I'm scared of getting hurt again by him but I'm also scared of moving on in case he really could change. I know time is important but I don't want this back and forth and wondering
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
The key factor seems to be that he COULD change, but reality is that he HAS NOT changed.
He is quacking.
He wants his same old, same old restored. And that involves YOU changing, not him.
He says he will find new friends, but has he?
He says he will attend AA, but has he?
He is quacking.
He is quacking.
He wants his same old, same old restored. And that involves YOU changing, not him.
He says he will find new friends, but has he?
He says he will attend AA, but has he?
He is quacking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What good, strong questions you are asking yourself.
Words are just words. The only changes that have meaning are in actions. If he is truly committed to change, he will be committed to it with or without you. There is nothing wrong with waiting to see if these changes are more than just words. You have more time than it probably feels like you have.
Being scared of moving on is natural, but consider the very nature of 'moving on': You will be in a different place, possibly more secure, not so enmeshed with the aftermath of this relationship as you are right now. It will be okay.
I always find I make better decisions when I am not making them because I am afraid of an outcome. Fear is very powerful, and it can overwhelm your better judgment.
Words are just words. The only changes that have meaning are in actions. If he is truly committed to change, he will be committed to it with or without you. There is nothing wrong with waiting to see if these changes are more than just words. You have more time than it probably feels like you have.
Being scared of moving on is natural, but consider the very nature of 'moving on': You will be in a different place, possibly more secure, not so enmeshed with the aftermath of this relationship as you are right now. It will be okay.
I always find I make better decisions when I am not making them because I am afraid of an outcome. Fear is very powerful, and it can overwhelm your better judgment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Yes, alcoholics can and do manage their disease when they really want to for themselves. As others have told me it is a baffling, cunning and manipulative disease.
Actions speak louder than words. Promises have no meaning coming from an alcoholic.
Does it benefit either of you to have him back in your life the same as it was before. Maybe you focusing on yourself and him focusing on himself and seeing where that takes you in 3 months, 6 months, a year will benefit both of you.
It seems a month has already passed and he hasn't even attended AA and let go of his old ways.
(((HUGS))) and best to you as go from surviving to thriving and enjoying more upbeat times with healthy friends.
He promised to attend AA and walk away from the friends he parties with.
Does it benefit either of you to have him back in your life the same as it was before. Maybe you focusing on yourself and him focusing on himself and seeing where that takes you in 3 months, 6 months, a year will benefit both of you.
It seems a month has already passed and he hasn't even attended AA and let go of his old ways.
(((HUGS))) and best to you as go from surviving to thriving and enjoying more upbeat times with healthy friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Alcoholic radar strikes again! I mean, is there any coincidence that he shows up the day after a night out that you find very beneficial to moving on without him?
There is nothing wrong with keeping the door cracked open a bit, but the rule of thumb in AA is wait a year. See if their actions match their words. If you were meant to be together, it will happen. But right now, he needs to stay sober and work a strong recovery program.
There is nothing wrong with keeping the door cracked open a bit, but the rule of thumb in AA is wait a year. See if their actions match their words. If you were meant to be together, it will happen. But right now, he needs to stay sober and work a strong recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
can people change? yes of course. with a LOT Of work and determination.....and.....TIME. it's barely been a month since you split. while apart you were just starting to feel ok, then a visit and a phone call from him thru YOU into a tailspin.
notice he did not come to you stating he HAD foregone all his party buddies and that he WAS attending meetings....nope just things he says he'll do...if.....
my snarky spidey sense says there's probably some other motivation going on that isn't quite so PURE here. regardless should "he" actually fully embark on the road to recovery he has a long road ahead of him. just getting to one full year clean and sober is hard work and takes, well, a YEAR to achieve. gotta learn how to get thru the seasons sober, the holidays, parties, ups and downs of life. gotta start repairing the damage, financially, emotionally, physically. the addict voice doesn't silence very easily...it's always there, chattering in the background.
bottom line, his choices are HIS choices and shouldn't wreck YOUR precious world. one of the best "tests" to get to an addict's true intentions are to say NO.
notice he did not come to you stating he HAD foregone all his party buddies and that he WAS attending meetings....nope just things he says he'll do...if.....
my snarky spidey sense says there's probably some other motivation going on that isn't quite so PURE here. regardless should "he" actually fully embark on the road to recovery he has a long road ahead of him. just getting to one full year clean and sober is hard work and takes, well, a YEAR to achieve. gotta learn how to get thru the seasons sober, the holidays, parties, ups and downs of life. gotta start repairing the damage, financially, emotionally, physically. the addict voice doesn't silence very easily...it's always there, chattering in the background.
bottom line, his choices are HIS choices and shouldn't wreck YOUR precious world. one of the best "tests" to get to an addict's true intentions are to say NO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello cam,
I noticed in your post that you were starting a life without him (still early days for both of you though) and he shows up with alcoholic promises.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you when an alcoholic/addict makes promises about what they will do, it is worth less than the air they used to speak.
Please think about what he has actively done about his disease up to this point. After 2 months of being sober, I could barely think straight let alone make any progress in my program of recovery.
After a 3.5 year relationship, you might need more time to recover from the ride you have been on with him. If you are tired of the back and forth, please consider no contact.
Remember that promises mean nothing, you need action. I am sure you have heard all the talk you can stand.
give yourself time. Have you tried Alanon?
Beth
Trust yourself, what is your gut telling you? You can only trust what people DO, not what they SAY.
I noticed in your post that you were starting a life without him (still early days for both of you though) and he shows up with alcoholic promises.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you when an alcoholic/addict makes promises about what they will do, it is worth less than the air they used to speak.
Please think about what he has actively done about his disease up to this point. After 2 months of being sober, I could barely think straight let alone make any progress in my program of recovery.
After a 3.5 year relationship, you might need more time to recover from the ride you have been on with him. If you are tired of the back and forth, please consider no contact.
Remember that promises mean nothing, you need action. I am sure you have heard all the talk you can stand.
give yourself time. Have you tried Alanon?
Beth
Of course I love and miss him but can I really trust that he could change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by wicked 
Remember that promises mean nothing, you need action. I am sure you have heard all the talk you can stand.
give yourself time. Have you tried Alanon?
give yourself time. Have you tried Alanon?
I spoke to my sister today and she didn't understand my dilema. She is scared that I will regret not giving him another chance so that confused me further.
But later I went on a mountain walk with a close friend and I decided I will give it some time. In a few days I will try to meet him and tell him that he needs to make these changes for himself, not for me and that perhaps in a few months we can reconsider our relationship.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I do keep thinking back to to Christmas when I cried all week and sat home alone while he partied each night.
If you wish more of this for yourself, go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I felt so much pain dealing with an XABF that no matter what, I won't put myself in that vulnerable position again. Even if it meant spending alone the rest of my life, that is way better than dealing with someone who I can't trust.. too much stress, as if life was not already stressful.
I am starting to see life as abundant - romantic love does not come only from him, you know? if you heal, if you commit to recovery, you will meet different people, people who would never even DREAM of making you upset for a minute, much less days, nights, weeks, months, years, decades, etc.
Its ok to give yourself time, often, I have felt I am running according to other people's needs, wants, schedules, etc. It is ok to be you and to take your time. It is ok to choose different situations for yourself. It is ok to choose the people you welcome in your life. It is ok to trust your gut.
If you wish more of this for yourself, go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I felt so much pain dealing with an XABF that no matter what, I won't put myself in that vulnerable position again. Even if it meant spending alone the rest of my life, that is way better than dealing with someone who I can't trust.. too much stress, as if life was not already stressful.
I am starting to see life as abundant - romantic love does not come only from him, you know? if you heal, if you commit to recovery, you will meet different people, people who would never even DREAM of making you upset for a minute, much less days, nights, weeks, months, years, decades, etc.
Its ok to give yourself time, often, I have felt I am running according to other people's needs, wants, schedules, etc. It is ok to be you and to take your time. It is ok to choose different situations for yourself. It is ok to choose the people you welcome in your life. It is ok to trust your gut.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I would take it into consideration if he said "I am already attending AA and I have left the party lifestyle behind - please give me the opportunity to show you my dedication to recovery".
In other words - if he goes at this point he is going for YOU not for HIM which equates to failure. Good for you that you have decided to wait a few months before considering reconciling. Smart gal.
In other words - if he goes at this point he is going for YOU not for HIM which equates to failure. Good for you that you have decided to wait a few months before considering reconciling. Smart gal.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I have to echo the sentiments expressed here by others - words are great, but actions are better. Is it possible for him to change? Sure. But he needs to actually change and show it with his actions. Promises of change are easy to make. Actually making the changes is harder and he will have to do those for himself if there's any hope of successful recovery for him. Stay strong. Work your own recovery, and let him work his (or not - his choice).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Is he in a recovery program now? I'd wait and see if he can make it through AA or another program for at least a year.
I had the same type of promises from my ex but they never materialized...
I had the same type of promises from my ex but they never materialized...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
