jeanh

Hello, this is my first time here. Don't know exactly what I am doing, so bare with me. I love my girl with all my heart and have dedicated my life to trying to help her. But i have learned I've only enabled her. So, I am trying very hard to change my way of thinking and my behavior. it is one of the hardest things I have every done. But, this child has turned my life, my husband's life and entire family into a mess. She has used up every one of us to the point we no longer want anything to do with her. We have been disappointed time and time again. After her binge last night and spending the night in the hospital I refused to rescue her and left her there! I feel awful and now do not know where she is or how she is. She is homeless and has no money. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.

We have spent 10's of 1000's of dollars on her for rehab and just cleaning up after her. She has been in and out of rehab's and kicked out of every sober house in town. I just don't know how much further down she can fall. Now she is drinking so much it's like she has to to keep from the DT's. I am worried sick about her safety and welfare. I just don't know what I will do if anything happens to her.

Any words of encouragement or advise will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Jean h

Dee74

Hi and welcome Jean

I'm sorry for your situation, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and the rest of your family.

Sadly, addicts will not quit until they want to. Most times I think it's more effective looking after your own welfare, and letting them find their bottom, and then their feet.

I know that worked for me and my drinking addiction.

I moved your thread here - I know you'll find support and experience in this forum

D

Seren

Hello Jean,

Stepmom of an addict here. He has definitely put my husband and I and everyone else in the family through the wringer. Hospital, jails, you name it. His father and I and the rest of the family finally stepped back and allowed him to lead his own life, in spite of how bad it could get...and it got pretty bad.

Amazingly, he voluntarily entered rehab a few months ago and is now in a sober-living facility with a new job.

But...he had to get to this point on his own. No amount of our begging, pleading, nagging, threats, tears was going to help him--and it only made us crazy. Nothing you have done has really made any difference, has it?

I know how hard this is, but I believe you are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter to ultimately take responsibility for herself and the consequences of her own actions. Many prayers for you, your husband, and your daughter.

LexieCat

Hi, jean,

Ditto what hydrogirl said. I can only imagine how tough it is to be a parent in that situation. I've had crises with my older son, but nothing as challenging as what you are dealing with. And as upsetting as it was to deal with my alcoholic husbands/partners, I think it must feel different in some ways when it is a child.

But I am also a recovered alcoholic myself, and I know many, many people who have been as bad off as your daughter (or even worse) and have found a path to recovery. It happened for them ONLY when they realized no one else was going to step in and rescue them--that they had to do the work themselves to save their own lives.

So, as hard as I know this must be for you, you must keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing. Other people may not understand, but we do.

If you have not been to Al-Anon, I suggest you give it a try. It was a lifeline for me when I needed it.

Recovering2

Hello Jean and welcome. You will find a lot of support on this site. I do not have an alcoholic child, but I have had a front row seat to my AB and my parents. My parents have never been able to detach and let my brother find his own path. Because of the fears...fears of "what if"...they never let him hit bottom. I have watched years of crying, pain, anxiety, worry, etc. My parents aged beyond their years worrying and rescuing my brother. I spent a fair number of those years enmeshing myself in it as well. Trying to force my brother into rehab, trying to force my parents to make different choices. The end result of all that - they started to be stressed around me, and nothing changed! So I had to learn to love them from a safe distance, and detach from their situation. A heart breaking decision for me, but it saved my own sanity.

As of today, my brother is almost 50 yrs old. He still lives with my parents, and they still rescue him. My parents are elderly, and have not enjoyed their senior years. My brother has no friends anymore, no job, no life. I ache for what might have been for my brother if he'd been allowed to hit bottom. If he'd been given the dignity to be an adult and make his own choices, no matter how bad those choices might have been. Maybe he would have sought help, and maybe he would have a decent life today.

Don't make the same mistake my parents made. Find an AlAnon group near you, there is so much wisdom and support in those rooms. They will help you learn to lovingly detach from your daughter's behaviors and choices...it may end up saving her life.

jeanh

Thank you all for your support! Your kind words have helped me more than words can express. I am feeling the strength from everyone here and from God and the prayers that I know are going up.

It is hard when you don't know where they are and if they are alright or not. I know now that she is not drinking because she wants to but because she has to.
She will even steal mouthwash from a store when she can't buy alcohol. That's pretty sad. I just hope and pray she gets help before it is to late. I know I'm doing the right thing it is just hard sitting back waiting and watching for a potential disaster to happen. I told someone, it is like watching a 2 year old cross a busy freeway.

Thanks again! Jean

LexieCat

I'm sure it feels that way at times. You have to remember, though, she is NOT a 2-year-old anymore. You might rush out into traffic, at the risk of your own life, to save a 2-year-old, but have to watch in sadness when it is an adult. Hard to do, but you have responsibilities to yourself and to other people, and you can't fulfill those if you are risking your sanity to save someone who is capable of taking action to save herself.

Hugs,

Maylie

Although it is hard to not take action when our loved ones are in a crisis due to their addiction, the best thing we can do for them and ourselves is not to do anything. An addict isn't going to change until he or she decides to, and the more we step in and make sure they are okay, the longer it is going to take the addict to realize their life isn't manageable anymore.

Try to focus on your own needs. I know that at first it might feel selfish to concentrate on yourself when a loved one is battling addiction, but it isn't. Our mental and physical health need to be a priority and the only thing we have control of is our own actions.

I hope that both you and your daughter find some peace.

hugs

Maylie

bless5

I'm so sorry for your struggle. Run to Al-Anon! It's life changing.

jeanh

thanks

jeanh

Hi Maylie, Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have devoted most of my life to my daughter, its time for me now. I do feel selfish saying that. But what I mean is she consumes me when she is drinking. My parents are in their 80's and need me now. They have always been there for me so I will be there for them. I can't do anything else for my daughter except pray.

I have not talked to her since Saturday morning when she called me to pick her up from the hospital. She had spent the night there getting sober. I refused to go get her. It was hard saying no but I didn't run to her rescue. I have been out of my mind with worry not knowing where she was or if she was ok. But i did learn she was with her boyfriend. She was supposed to go into a wonderful rehab house on Sunday but didn't show. So, she knows how to get help. All she has to do is go.

Thanks again, Jean