How do you get off of this merry-go-round?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear unhappyspouse, I don't think it matters, in the long run, if you tell him that your desire to be out of the chaos is because of the alcoholism or not. Trust me--he already knows this--whether he will admit it openly or not--deep down, he knows. A lot of his efforts at trying to "keep you happy", I believe are designed to keep you from focusing on the alcohol issue.
He isn't drinking AT you--he drinks because he is in a life-and-death battle within himself with this ugly disease. And, right now, the disease is in control of him much of the time. The alcoholic can't keep their promises about drinking because the disease is lying to them and distorting their reality.
As we are in our relationships with an alcoholic---our reality begins to become distorted, also. We act in ways that we regret, we lose our confidence and become very confused. This is how the alcoholism begins to--insidiously--harm us, also. And, like with the alcoholic, it becomes progressive with us.
I would like to comment that, as I read your posts, I sense how very guilty you seem to feel. It seems like, if you take actions for your own benefit, it will seem like you are the "bad guy"--and, somehow you will bear the "responsibility" for what is going on. I know that I can identify with this. I have had to deal with this very much
If I could make one suggestion to you, it is this: Read the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. on the website---PsychiatryandWellness.com---. Two of the very good articles by him are "The Addict's Dilemma", and "Addictions,Lies, and Relationships". Dr. Garrett's articles are among the very best that have helped me gain a perspective on this disease. I became acquainted with them by suggestions of others here on SR.
I can see how you are struggling within yourself right now. Your story is one that so many others, here, could have written. Take the time you need to sort it out. Take faith from the fact that others have sorted and found peace of mind---you can, too!!!
Very sincerely, dandylion
He isn't drinking AT you--he drinks because he is in a life-and-death battle within himself with this ugly disease. And, right now, the disease is in control of him much of the time. The alcoholic can't keep their promises about drinking because the disease is lying to them and distorting their reality.
As we are in our relationships with an alcoholic---our reality begins to become distorted, also. We act in ways that we regret, we lose our confidence and become very confused. This is how the alcoholism begins to--insidiously--harm us, also. And, like with the alcoholic, it becomes progressive with us.
I would like to comment that, as I read your posts, I sense how very guilty you seem to feel. It seems like, if you take actions for your own benefit, it will seem like you are the "bad guy"--and, somehow you will bear the "responsibility" for what is going on. I know that I can identify with this. I have had to deal with this very much
If I could make one suggestion to you, it is this: Read the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. on the website---PsychiatryandWellness.com---. Two of the very good articles by him are "The Addict's Dilemma", and "Addictions,Lies, and Relationships". Dr. Garrett's articles are among the very best that have helped me gain a perspective on this disease. I became acquainted with them by suggestions of others here on SR.
I can see how you are struggling within yourself right now. Your story is one that so many others, here, could have written. Take the time you need to sort it out. Take faith from the fact that others have sorted and found peace of mind---you can, too!!!
Very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Thank you to all! And Mike - I know we aren't supposed to say what to do - but tell me what you are thinking...I have my big girl pants on! I will not be offended, because I understand that here at SR, we take what we need and leave the rest - and I am very thankful to have found y'all! So please you guys, don't ever hold back as far as giving me what you think can help! That is why I am here, I am tired of being in the dark and my friends and family not really understanding my issue with my husband having a beer; (that will be another thread, another time) and I know that the advice on here is just that and isn't meant to be set in stone. I went to Al Anon years ago when I had no clue that I had an AH, but I am planning to attend again. I'll get there...one step at a time :-)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Try googling : Papers on Addiction and Recovery. I just tried this--and it worked.
You have to put ".org" at the end of the website (not--.com)
Let me know if this doesn't work and i will PM you.
dandylion
You have to put ".org" at the end of the website (not--.com)
Let me know if this doesn't work and i will PM you.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Yeppers that worked. thank you! Looks like I have my reading cut out for me this weekend! I also am going to get back to my "Codependent No More" and the book from Al Anon "Courage to Change". I may be a Codie, but I am going to be a well informed one! Thank you guys!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I have no doubt he is "trying hard," but the point is that no matter how much an alcoholic "tries" to be a good partner, a good employee, a good friend, the alcohol simply gets in the way. And they cannot live without the alcohol (at least, not unless they choose to embrace recovery). It's like "trying hard" to win a marathon when you haven't walked further than the mailbox in two years. You can try as hard as you want, it ain't happening.
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