15NJGirl

I held an intervention with my husband today and he only agreed to go when I held firm on bottom line that he's leaving the house and our two young kids either way today. He was a secret drinker, so I didn't know for sure he was drinking again until a week ago. Now I just found a row of condoms in bottom of his gym bag that he brings to work as well as one of his stashes of alcohol. I am so floored and can't beelive this keeps getting worse. I want to vomit and can't believe it feels like my marriage is crumbling below me. Has anyone stayed together with spouse through this? What on earth am I supposed to do??

dandylion

Dear 15NJGirl, the most important thing is for you to put the welfare of you and the two children first. As of now, alcohol (the disease) is first priority for him.

Your happiness and the care of your children are your responsibility.

sincerely, dandylion

marie1960

I think finding the condoms would be enough of a dealbreaker for me. (Add alcohol and let the lying begin.)

This isn't Jr. High.

Is he going to tell you he's hiding them for a buddy?

Time to make decisions that secure and promote a healthy life for you and your kids.

I am sure you are devastated, I found it best to make choices/decisions based on facts, not emotions.

We are here to offer you support.

Hang in there.

dollydo

Cheating for me is a deal breaker. Take this time to get yourself to meeetings, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

Keep posting, it will help.

LifeRecovery

15NJGirl-

My loved one struggled with alcohol which I seemed to just push under the rug. Then he had an affair. Somehow this I could have a boundary around in a way that I could not with the alcohol.

Neither of these are easy things to heal from. What kind of support do you have in place for yourself and your family?

redatlanta

Cheating for me is also a deal breaker. Don't cloud your judgment to attribute everything to drinking. People are who they are.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please post often we are here for you.

Katiekate

How shocking and hurtful for you.

I have no advice but sending you lots of love and healing.

Katie xo

thislonelygirl

I cant say how cheating is in your situation. Pretry disrespectful in a marriage though
But I recall a topic on the home page that does say alcohol and cheating go hand in hand like bread and honey. Something like that. However being an intoxicated duffus and cheating may be...
The row of condoms however sounds less intoxicated duffus and more pre meditated adultery.
BUT I think you made the right call 1st in the intervention and 2nd in keeping your ground.
Just stick to that atleast this gets his foot in the door and further repairing or not repairing the relationship can be done but atleast you handled it with a bottom line.
Just keep that ground and take care of you. Let you guide your feelings and thoughts
And not the disease. By doing what youve done and not say making this about just the condoms.
You arent given his addiction a backseat.
Best luck

Crazed

To add my point of view, I believe that drinking and cheating do go hand in hand, and they can also exits separately. I don't believe that alcoholics necessarily use the "I was drunk, so I cheated" excuse. But I do believe that when alcoholics are not in recovery, they are more prone to cheating, lying, and in general just creating chaos.

Just my 2 cents...

dollydo

I believe that alcohol and drug use can lower ones inhibitions and intensify the need to cheat, however, I also believe that it is a totally different behavioral issue. Many non-addicts cheat, many with addiction issues do not cheat. As for lying,yes addicts lie, however, even after recovery, many still do, it is just another bad habit.

Using drugs/alcohol as an excuse for cheating...is exactly that..an excuse.

Just my thoughts.