Valentines Day is upon Us whats in store?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Valentines Day is upon Us whats in store?
I am dreading this day. Wish I could just skip past it.
My AB told me last night "Oh BTW when is that stupid day I don't even get a day off work for it" Again all about him , imagine that.
I don't think he was kidding, then he proceeded to say this is a good time to break up with someone like right before Christmas so you don't have to get them anything, again not sure if he's joking or masking.
Being with an Alcoholic I have never felt so alone, and unappreciated, this man has never gotten me flowers or a single rose in 10 months.
He doesn't mind dropping a bundle on Beer and alcohol a month though, he will buy me wine when ever he buys himself Beer weekly, But I rarely drink .
He didn't drink last night only because he drank so much the night before, and he says I stayed up to late not gonna have any beer tonight.
I do so long for a loving, stress free relationship with no drama. I keep asking why me, How did I get in this situation, never been in one like this before, not co dependent ..I'm a highly educated women with street smarts, yet must be Stupid to have not seen this all .
Happy Valentines day to all may it be a peaceful day.
My AB told me last night "Oh BTW when is that stupid day I don't even get a day off work for it" Again all about him , imagine that.
I don't think he was kidding, then he proceeded to say this is a good time to break up with someone like right before Christmas so you don't have to get them anything, again not sure if he's joking or masking.
Being with an Alcoholic I have never felt so alone, and unappreciated, this man has never gotten me flowers or a single rose in 10 months.
He doesn't mind dropping a bundle on Beer and alcohol a month though, he will buy me wine when ever he buys himself Beer weekly, But I rarely drink .
He didn't drink last night only because he drank so much the night before, and he says I stayed up to late not gonna have any beer tonight.
I do so long for a loving, stress free relationship with no drama. I keep asking why me, How did I get in this situation, never been in one like this before, not co dependent ..I'm a highly educated women with street smarts, yet must be Stupid to have not seen this all .
Happy Valentines day to all may it be a peaceful day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Instead of wondering and waiting for him to do something for you (or not), why don't you treat yourself on Valentine's Day? Take yourself out for a nice lunch, buy yourself flowers or something else that will make you happy. I know it's not the same as being remembered by your SO, but it can make the day positive instead of sad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
italiungrl, I didn't mean to just skip over your other concerns. I have been in the same situation and I can relate. But as long as you're living with an active A, that's just the way things are. You can't change him, so why not concentrate on taking care of you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Now, I go buy myself flower's - I sit them on the table with a candle
I dont buy heart shaped candy, I buy a good ol' tub of chocolate icecream
Gaze at it all and suck in the warm feeling of loving MYSELF
I'm pretty proud of that
I dont buy heart shaped candy, I buy a good ol' tub of chocolate icecream
Gaze at it all and suck in the warm feeling of loving MYSELF
I'm pretty proud of that
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
This Valentine's Day means something different to me. In the past 5 months, I've been learning how to love myself again. I've learned that I have to be my first priority. So I will celebrate my love for me.
Your ABF doens't love himself right now, so he's not available to love you. Don't wait on him.....do something different/special/nice for yourself tomorrow. Go get a mani/pedi, buy yourself something indulgent like bath oil beads and have a good soak, go to a book store and find some of the books that are recommended on this site. Hugs to you.
Your ABF doens't love himself right now, so he's not available to love you. Don't wait on him.....do something different/special/nice for yourself tomorrow. Go get a mani/pedi, buy yourself something indulgent like bath oil beads and have a good soak, go to a book store and find some of the books that are recommended on this site. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I was just kind of joking about this to myself. Part of me really wants some kind of grandiose demonstration of love: flowers, jewelry, surprises. But a bigger part of me wants daily demonstrations of love: trust between me and a partner, a real physical and emotional relationship, feelings of safety and security, and honesty.
I can buy myself flowers. Flowers are nice. My AH can also buy me flowers, and these flowers are more often than not a demonstration of something with so many strings attached that I don't know what I'm tangled up in, and without me demonstrating appropriate gratefulness and deference, an opportunity for him to unleash a flurry of resentments about how mean and cold I am and how nothing he ever does matters.
Holidays were always an excuse to relapse for him, for whatever reason. I can't tell you how many birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, I spent alone. On Mother's Day, he used to tell me, "You're not my mom, why would I get you something?" The Mother's Day I was pregnant and he was off on a bender, he left flowers picked out of someone's yard in a styrofoam cup on the front porch. Hell, even sober, this past Christmas he invited me and the kids to spend part of Christmas Day with him and his family and didn't even have a gift for me. He showed up at my house about ten days later with something in hand. ...Thanks? I mentioned it to a family member and she was so infuriated about it that I realized that after all these years, expecting my husband to remember me or honor me on a holiday was an expectation that had totally vanished. For survival! To keep from crumbling. To hold it together for the kids so their holidays weren't crushed. Sometimes he did and it was nice. But a lot of times, he didn't.
That's so totally unacceptable.
Oh! There's one other time I was thinking about recently. There was one Christmas where he took my credit card to buy me almost $1000 of presents, on a year where our budget was $100. I had to pay that off myself.
Anyway, I can get myself flowers. I can look in the mirror and give myself a compliment. I can treat myself to something nice tomorrow. And I can ultimately stop looking to him to provide validation for me that I'll never get from him. That well is dry! I can stop going there for water. This and so many other reasons are why I'm separated from him today.
It's not really about the flowers and the trinkets.
I can buy myself flowers. Flowers are nice. My AH can also buy me flowers, and these flowers are more often than not a demonstration of something with so many strings attached that I don't know what I'm tangled up in, and without me demonstrating appropriate gratefulness and deference, an opportunity for him to unleash a flurry of resentments about how mean and cold I am and how nothing he ever does matters.
Holidays were always an excuse to relapse for him, for whatever reason. I can't tell you how many birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, I spent alone. On Mother's Day, he used to tell me, "You're not my mom, why would I get you something?" The Mother's Day I was pregnant and he was off on a bender, he left flowers picked out of someone's yard in a styrofoam cup on the front porch. Hell, even sober, this past Christmas he invited me and the kids to spend part of Christmas Day with him and his family and didn't even have a gift for me. He showed up at my house about ten days later with something in hand. ...Thanks? I mentioned it to a family member and she was so infuriated about it that I realized that after all these years, expecting my husband to remember me or honor me on a holiday was an expectation that had totally vanished. For survival! To keep from crumbling. To hold it together for the kids so their holidays weren't crushed. Sometimes he did and it was nice. But a lot of times, he didn't.
That's so totally unacceptable.
Oh! There's one other time I was thinking about recently. There was one Christmas where he took my credit card to buy me almost $1000 of presents, on a year where our budget was $100. I had to pay that off myself.
Anyway, I can get myself flowers. I can look in the mirror and give myself a compliment. I can treat myself to something nice tomorrow. And I can ultimately stop looking to him to provide validation for me that I'll never get from him. That well is dry! I can stop going there for water. This and so many other reasons are why I'm separated from him today.
It's not really about the flowers and the trinkets.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
I understand its not about the material items, For me its the thought,Valentines day ( A lovers holiday) Especially since this is the first one, this relationship is young less than a year. I almost want to tell him, hey take the pressure off yourself if you feel you are obligated to do something you don't have too. But then I would be ungrateful, its all my fault, I cause problems in this relationship,This is a no win situation and as days fade into the next I am realizing I don't want to live like this. I want a partner, that I don't have to walk on eggshells with. I can have my own opinions, and wont be berated that they don't match his. He wont get help. He's never wrong, and its everyone else.
Would love to talk to the previous Ex wives.
Would love to talk to the previous Ex wives.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
italiungrl I so get where you are coming from. For years when I was with not one but 2 of my exes all I wanted was the Cinderella Valentine's, or heck even the maid one. Most times i got nothing. So now forward it to today I am single and have turned into the cat women people talk about lol.
For years I hated Valentine's Day but this year I said no more. In a few hours I am leaving to go to my hotel room and get ready for the show I bought tickets for and have wanted to see for a very long time. Cirque Du Soleil's Alamuna. So although I spent a lot more than I would of if I had just bought myself flowers, that is okay cause I deserve it! Plus I buy myself flowers all the time anyway.
It is possible to live alone and be happy. I have been doing it almost 12 years now and I love it. Oh sure I sometimes miss having that special someone but I am so much happier. I can't believe how many years I settled for less case I was scared to be alone. Thank God I had enough pain to make a change, cause I finally realized if I didn't make that change no one was going to do it for me!
So I sincerely hope all of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember
For years I hated Valentine's Day but this year I said no more. In a few hours I am leaving to go to my hotel room and get ready for the show I bought tickets for and have wanted to see for a very long time. Cirque Du Soleil's Alamuna. So although I spent a lot more than I would of if I had just bought myself flowers, that is okay cause I deserve it! Plus I buy myself flowers all the time anyway.
It is possible to live alone and be happy. I have been doing it almost 12 years now and I love it. Oh sure I sometimes miss having that special someone but I am so much happier. I can't believe how many years I settled for less case I was scared to be alone. Thank God I had enough pain to make a change, cause I finally realized if I didn't make that change no one was going to do it for me!
So I sincerely hope all of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I believe I am getting a Star Wars valentine from my younger son (since I was with him when he bought them for school 
)and a hug and I love you mom from my older son--better than anything xah ever gave me on Valentine's Day.
)and a hug and I love you mom from my older son--better than anything xah ever gave me on Valentine's Day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
not co dependent ..I'm a highly educated women with street smarts, yet must be Stupid to have not seen this all .
I think that's a good point to reevaluate what relationships with addicts are. Instead of lumping yourself in with the other stupid people who fall for addicts -- maybe we should consider that we're not stupid. We're just wired in a way that either makes problem-people attractive to us, or makes it difficult for us to prioritize ourselves, or both. (Which, by the way, would make you codependent. It's not a death sentence unless you don't seek help.
)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am going to love myself tomorrow. I am even going to spend the time I would picking out a card for him, on me....and I am only buying the one card
It has taken a lot of work, pain, acceptance and time for me to love myself more then him and tomorrow I am really going to celebrate that. For me, Valentine's Day will be a new tradition of self love. I am done outsourcing my happiness and/or hurt.
It has taken a lot of work, pain, acceptance and time for me to love myself more then him and tomorrow I am really going to celebrate that. For me, Valentine's Day will be a new tradition of self love. I am done outsourcing my happiness and/or hurt.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Italiungrl, perhaps you have been so caught up in what you WANT him to be, that you haven't been able to see the REALITY of what he is really like.
That has happened to the best and "smartest" of us!!
sincerely, dandylion
That has happened to the best and "smartest" of us!!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by italiungrl 
I do so long for a loving, stress free relationship with no drama. I keep asking why me, How did I get in this situation, never been in one like this before, not co dependent ..I'm a highly educated women with street smarts, yet must be Stupid to have not seen
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Making a point of not giving her a gift seems a little bit, I dunno, hostile. It sounds like you still care for her. Up to you, but I think I'd give her the gift and card.
To thine own self be true...
To thine own self be true...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Florence
I started buying myself flowers every week.
Sigh, that's what happens when you're husband turns into an alcoholic. So, yes, now I buy flowers weekly. I get myself massages when I need them for my back problems, I go to yoga class and cram it in to my schedule as best as I can, and I make sure I get outside daily to just SMELL all the beauty of our desert.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Oh boy....my ah has been surprisinlgy romantic two or three times...
Others he mopes about how unromantic he is and he just doesnt have the romantic bone in his body.
Its not because he cant be romantic...ive seen him do it. Its because he drinks like a fish and thats number one and because it depresses their brains when they do.
The mind of an addict I guess. Romance is easy. Its not time consuming (they go to the store anyhow)
Its not digging into their pocket. Its without money a nice I love you happy valentines lets watch a movie to a few dollars even as little as 5 to show someone they are appreciated.
Sadly.. .this is the way it is being with an alcoholic. They just arent able to think like we do.
You know what ive done though because I do love my ah regardless
I always buy or make or surprise him on the holidays. Always.
I do this because I love him no matter even if he gets under my skin and because through all
Of the times I have. Ive reminded him how easy it is by me doing. As simple as the gift or thought is His negativity etc...I push aside and do it anyhow.
And you know what happened?
1. He wanted to do the same and rushed out last minute lol (not all romantic but he did)
And 2. I didnt allow his thoughts values abd ideas to influence me.
Instead I just treat him the way I would want to be treated.
In the end if he did or didnt. I did.
Others he mopes about how unromantic he is and he just doesnt have the romantic bone in his body.
Its not because he cant be romantic...ive seen him do it. Its because he drinks like a fish and thats number one and because it depresses their brains when they do.
The mind of an addict I guess. Romance is easy. Its not time consuming (they go to the store anyhow)
Its not digging into their pocket. Its without money a nice I love you happy valentines lets watch a movie to a few dollars even as little as 5 to show someone they are appreciated.
Sadly.. .this is the way it is being with an alcoholic. They just arent able to think like we do.
You know what ive done though because I do love my ah regardless
I always buy or make or surprise him on the holidays. Always.
I do this because I love him no matter even if he gets under my skin and because through all
Of the times I have. Ive reminded him how easy it is by me doing. As simple as the gift or thought is His negativity etc...I push aside and do it anyhow.
And you know what happened?
1. He wanted to do the same and rushed out last minute lol (not all romantic but he did)
And 2. I didnt allow his thoughts values abd ideas to influence me.
Instead I just treat him the way I would want to be treated.
In the end if he did or didnt. I did.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I forgot to share about this.
I did get a valentine this year. A few days ago, I got a valentine's card from my family in Colorado--from my first husband, his wife (kids' stepmom), and the kiddos. They all signed it.
I'm lousy at sending cards on holidays--birthdays I try to remember--but I always get cards from them. Lots of times the kids' stepmom sends them--always with a nice note inside.
I feel very, very blessed. Gifts of recovery--his and mine.
I did get a valentine this year. A few days ago, I got a valentine's card from my family in Colorado--from my first husband, his wife (kids' stepmom), and the kiddos. They all signed it.
I'm lousy at sending cards on holidays--birthdays I try to remember--but I always get cards from them. Lots of times the kids' stepmom sends them--always with a nice note inside.
I feel very, very blessed. Gifts of recovery--his and mine.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
