*sigh*
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
*sigh*
Why do I let this boy treat me like this? Seriously how can I left him get by with so much when I know what else I could have? It makes no sense, even to me. Im so wrapped up, so blind even though I can see the truth I keep denying it like its going to change or that I am making it all up in my head. Things have been quiet, i keep to myself and him to his own. He makes little comments like he is sick of my crap, i respond with well leave and things never change. I am sick of it, sick on general. I just want to run away and never look back. I want him to disappear.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Listen to yourself. You want HIM to decide to leave. You want HIM to disappear.
I used to feel that way, too. It would have been easier for me if HE had just left me. I had a terrible time with the concept of my being the one to leave. But bottom line, I had to. He wasn't about to, and I had to do what was necessary to save my own life and sanity.
I used to feel that way, too. It would have been easier for me if HE had just left me. I had a terrible time with the concept of my being the one to leave. But bottom line, I had to. He wasn't about to, and I had to do what was necessary to save my own life and sanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Sadconfused, and many (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you now. I have felt like you have just expressed. It's the period of time when you start to come into acceptance, but you want to keep going back into denial. It's also that period of time that you know that something has to change, but you are just too numb to even think about it.
Take this time to get your thoughts straight, and as they say, get your ducks in a row. It may take awhile, and that's ok.
When I felt like this, it was like a grieving process that I had to go through. I even wrote about it in my journals. I was trying to figure out which feeling was better, this deep depression that I was in (seeing things for what they were), or that walking on eggshell feeling, (still hoping for a different outcome).
I realized that I couldn't keep hoping, but what was I hoping for? I was hoping he would change. I realized this wasn't going to happen. The only hope that I could possibly have, was hope for myself. That was hard to accept. I didn't know how to think that way, wasn't used to thinking that way, but was now forced to think about it.
The feeling you are having, I called it depression, I called it my rock bottom. I stayed there for quite awhile, but I had to crawl out of it, and I couldn't go back to the step above it, where I had hope.
There is a saying "It is what it is, but it will become what you make it". I had to analyze this saying many times, because I guess I thought I could still change the situation.
But "IT IS WHAT IT IS". Now I started to look at this saying in 2 separate parts. Yes, it is what it is, and is that ok with me? Is this what I really want the rest of my life to be?
"IT WILL BECOME WHAT YOU MAKE IT". This was the hard part. Now it was up to be to make my own decisions, become my own person, and take back control of my life.
This was the hardest part. I didn't know how to make a decision anymore, I didn't know who I was anymore, didn't know what I wanted anymore.
Fear of the unknown?
I guess.
Your post hit me deeply. I don't know if my response even makes sense. I was just typing away of how I felt at that moment. I can't even proof read this. It was at that moment that I knew something had to change, and it had to be me. My spirit was dying.
My advice. Just take this time to think things through as clearly as you can. Wish I didn't just burn all my journals in my wood stove last week lol, I could have shared with you what my thought process was. Do remember that I made up a list of my fears.
#1 was the fear of being alone. Well I analyzed that one to death. What I did come up with was the loneliest I ever felt was when he was right there. I didn't feel alone when I was alone. I felt alone when he was around.
Anyways, me again, just rambling on and on, but wanted you to know that I think I may know how you are feeling. If you are feeling like this, it's normal, if your not feeling like this, whatever you are feeling is normal also. If I am totally off base here, then take what you need, and leave the rest. Just know that I am thinking of you.
Take this time to get your thoughts straight, and as they say, get your ducks in a row. It may take awhile, and that's ok.
When I felt like this, it was like a grieving process that I had to go through. I even wrote about it in my journals. I was trying to figure out which feeling was better, this deep depression that I was in (seeing things for what they were), or that walking on eggshell feeling, (still hoping for a different outcome).
I realized that I couldn't keep hoping, but what was I hoping for? I was hoping he would change. I realized this wasn't going to happen. The only hope that I could possibly have, was hope for myself. That was hard to accept. I didn't know how to think that way, wasn't used to thinking that way, but was now forced to think about it.
The feeling you are having, I called it depression, I called it my rock bottom. I stayed there for quite awhile, but I had to crawl out of it, and I couldn't go back to the step above it, where I had hope.
There is a saying "It is what it is, but it will become what you make it". I had to analyze this saying many times, because I guess I thought I could still change the situation.
But "IT IS WHAT IT IS". Now I started to look at this saying in 2 separate parts. Yes, it is what it is, and is that ok with me? Is this what I really want the rest of my life to be?
"IT WILL BECOME WHAT YOU MAKE IT". This was the hard part. Now it was up to be to make my own decisions, become my own person, and take back control of my life.
This was the hardest part. I didn't know how to make a decision anymore, I didn't know who I was anymore, didn't know what I wanted anymore.
Fear of the unknown?
I guess.
Your post hit me deeply. I don't know if my response even makes sense. I was just typing away of how I felt at that moment. I can't even proof read this. It was at that moment that I knew something had to change, and it had to be me. My spirit was dying.
My advice. Just take this time to think things through as clearly as you can. Wish I didn't just burn all my journals in my wood stove last week lol, I could have shared with you what my thought process was. Do remember that I made up a list of my fears.
#1 was the fear of being alone. Well I analyzed that one to death. What I did come up with was the loneliest I ever felt was when he was right there. I didn't feel alone when I was alone. I felt alone when he was around.
Anyways, me again, just rambling on and on, but wanted you to know that I think I may know how you are feeling. If you are feeling like this, it's normal, if your not feeling like this, whatever you are feeling is normal also. If I am totally off base here, then take what you need, and leave the rest. Just know that I am thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
sadconfused-i posted these lyrics last night in a different thread:
I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here
I think what kept me where I was for as long as I stayed was knowing that deep down, behind the addiction was the guy I loved. But actions speak louder than words...and the actions were not fair to me, nor were they what I deserved. I have since left, and while I still and always will care about him, I no longer want to be with him. I certainly had a period of feeling completely alone and wanting to go back, but I had top be strong, because I knew it wasnt what I wanted deep down-I just didnt want to be alone.
"I just want to run away and never look back. I want him to disappear."
There is your answer. You want out. I felt like that a lot toward the end as well. I didnt want to be with him anymore, but I felt so much guilt even thinking of leaving. How could I leave someone that is so sick? In the end though, you need to take care of yourself. I wish you the best sadconfused. Do what is best for yourself. You deserve so much better.
I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here
I think what kept me where I was for as long as I stayed was knowing that deep down, behind the addiction was the guy I loved. But actions speak louder than words...and the actions were not fair to me, nor were they what I deserved. I have since left, and while I still and always will care about him, I no longer want to be with him. I certainly had a period of feeling completely alone and wanting to go back, but I had top be strong, because I knew it wasnt what I wanted deep down-I just didnt want to be alone.
"I just want to run away and never look back. I want him to disappear."
There is your answer. You want out. I felt like that a lot toward the end as well. I didnt want to be with him anymore, but I felt so much guilt even thinking of leaving. How could I leave someone that is so sick? In the end though, you need to take care of yourself. I wish you the best sadconfused. Do what is best for yourself. You deserve so much better.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
You are right, him him him. It would be much easier if he would just decide to leave. I dont think it would ever happen though, why would he? He hadnt worked all week. Claimed to not feel well but well enough to sit on his game for 4 days drinking. He dis manage to go to the park for an hour with us and that of course excused all of the other bad behavior. I know it needs to end, i dont how though. If he is home, he is drinking. If he is drinking I never know what the outcome could be. He did tell me last night that he was considering getting his own place with his refund, I told him to go for it but I am guessing he was just quacking as usual. A list of fears is a really good idea, I might try it later. I already know my biggest fear about ending it and its his response. Is he going to fly off the handle, try to kill me , terrorize the he%% out of me. As miserable as I am here at least I can somewhat control the stituation. Kinda the whole keep your eneimes closer deal. Im.struggling clearly. I dont know what else to do other than just getting it over with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
My heart is with you.
The fear of "what if" was so hard for me too. Finally it was outweighed by the fear of what was. I know I normalized things that were not even sort of normal and people here helped me see it. I remember crying after reading the responses to some of my posts because I was no longer me. I am still working on me-but a slightly different version
What helped me was getting ready to leave-both physically and emotionally. It did not happen overnight (and yes, I too wished he would just leave but that was never going to happen). In some ways he still has not left and it has been 4 years. During that time I have learned to set boundaries to protect myself and my kids from his venom.
Take care of you. I was worried when you said he might act violently. Me, I kept a bag packed in the back of my car with clothes and other things for me and my kids (I had to disguise it so he would not look at it and see what it was). That provided me with some peace of mind. I was physically ready if I needed to get out.
You deserve better.
The fear of "what if" was so hard for me too. Finally it was outweighed by the fear of what was. I know I normalized things that were not even sort of normal and people here helped me see it. I remember crying after reading the responses to some of my posts because I was no longer me. I am still working on me-but a slightly different version
What helped me was getting ready to leave-both physically and emotionally. It did not happen overnight (and yes, I too wished he would just leave but that was never going to happen). In some ways he still has not left and it has been 4 years. During that time I have learned to set boundaries to protect myself and my kids from his venom.
Take care of you. I was worried when you said he might act violently. Me, I kept a bag packed in the back of my car with clothes and other things for me and my kids (I had to disguise it so he would not look at it and see what it was). That provided me with some peace of mind. I was physically ready if I needed to get out.
You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
You do deserve better. Your post resonates with me as well. I could have written it as well. Please just continue to reach out to your support system to help you through. You deserve to be happy, start to heal your heart...
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