seek

I think I am grieving. I saw the DVD of my grandson last week when he was a sweet child, then showed it to my daughter again last night. In it, the family appears to be quite functional. There is a lot of stuff that happened between then and now and we don't have the same happy vibe. Also, there was a senior family member who passed on who was giving his "words of wisdom" and I can't help but think how disappointed he would be in what happened.

I am also going through a big box of stuff from that time frame and wondering "what happened?"

I had a world view before all of this happened that things were just going to get better and better. It never occurred to me it could even be possible for things to get so bad.

It's poignant right now because I can see the contrast so clearly (the innocence that has been lost is a huge thing) . . .

Most of the time, those memories are not present or are just vague, so I can cope in the moment - but when I see what has been lost, it is just devastating.

I guess I needed to see it or it would not have come to my attention.

DreamsofSerenity

I sometimes look at my life and am also shocked to see how much is lost. When I was younger, I looked toward the future with such optimism. Never did I think I'd experience all I have, both good and bad. I understand now why older people are so wise! Maybe just try to focus on the positive in your life; there is always something. Blessings to you.

seek

Thank you. Yes. I wasn't prepared to have such overwhelming feelings of grief so I am hoping all of this is happening for a reason so I can release and move on . . . but for the moment, lots of sadness, some anger, etc. So much has been lost: Innocence, trust, good family times, health, youth, optimism, etc.

It always seems as if one thing were different (if he actually had remorse is what is coming up now) that it wouldn't be so bad. I also realize that things are never as they seem and I don't have the entire picture.

DreamsofSerenity

I really don't think they are able to feel remorse. Or maybe they feel it on some subconscious level and that is what fuels their desire to drinking. Regardless, they aren't going to be begging for our forgiveness unless they get sober. I am new on here so I don't your story, but I think it is good to grieve. I lost a sister to mental illness (and suicide) then because I didn't grieve her loss properly, I got involved with an A. I loved this damn A and then lost him to his disease. I have more closure with my sister because she is laying the ground. I am not tempted to ask her why? Or tell her how much her crazy behavior hurt me. Or ask her if she is sorry she commited such a selfish act. No, it's over and I forgive her. On the other hand, the thought of my A starting up his crap with some other woman without an ounce of remorse for the hell he put me through, is enough to drive me crazy myself. So what I try to do (and it is HARD), is forgive him, and look at it as a simple loss. Just like one could lose a loved one to cancer, one loses people to alcoholism. They are in more pain than we are, we are just white knuckling our pain without turning to drink. I think your grief is normal and probably healthy. I am sorry for your pain and loss.

seek

Thank you for your perspective and sharing part of your story. I am so sorry about your sister and your experience with your ex . . .

It's weird looking at this video tape and seeing people happy and apparently functional and contrasting it with the present circumstances.

You are wise to know what you do about alcoholism and not having the expectations regarding remorse and also that they are hurting . . .

I am praying my grief is for good and that I will integrate into more wholeness as I move through this difficult stuff.

Blessings to you.

seek

This is helping me process it - so seeing the DVD of a happy birthday party, has brought up feelings of grief:

HopefulmomtoD

I think we all have DVDs (or memories) of our children in better times. Its too painful for me to look at old photos and movies at the moment. It would just be torture because I know I would see what you are seeing: a happy, sweet, funny, smart handsome little boy and a loving family.

Life goes in cycles, and has ups and downs, so maybe we're all just at a low point and in time those movies won't be so hard to watch? I have to have some hope to get through the day.

seek

Yes . . . I think this is a low point, for sure. I didn't go looking for this video, I thought it was something else (a video of my father, now deceased) . . .so I am imagining that it came to my attention because I need to grieve.

I don't have any problem looking at photos, but hearing his sweet voice and seeing him so sweet and helpful and happy at the party was just too much.

I am working through it (I hope!!!)