Silent Treatment
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Silent Treatment
I don't know how to deal with resentment driven disappearances and the silent treatment.
Can you please tell me what you know about this with regard to recovery and the best ways of handling this?
Honestly I find this painful and confusing.
Can you please tell me what you know about this with regard to recovery and the best ways of handling this?
Honestly I find this painful and confusing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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It's just part of the overall tendency to blame others for his unhappiness. It's always what the other person is doing (or not doing), not himself, and CERTAINLY not the alcohol!
I know it's painful and confusing, but it helps if you realize it's part of the standard repertoire of alcoholic behavior.
My own suggestion would be to simply wait it out as pleasantly as you can. To the extent you don't REACT to it, you don't reward it. If you tearfully beg him to talk to you or tell him how much it hurts, you are simply confirming that it has the desired punishing effect.
I know it's painful and confusing, but it helps if you realize it's part of the standard repertoire of alcoholic behavior.
My own suggestion would be to simply wait it out as pleasantly as you can. To the extent you don't REACT to it, you don't reward it. If you tearfully beg him to talk to you or tell him how much it hurts, you are simply confirming that it has the desired punishing effect.
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Honestly I can say there were a few times when I was accused of doing this myself, giving someone the silent treatment, it was because I felt I needed time away from them to calm down and think. I think my tendency is to withdraw after an argument or whatever. I would try not to take it too personally and keep yourself busy with other things.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Let him know in as calm a way as possible that it is unacceptable behavior.
Seriously, we are suppose to take it, calmly, without expressing that it is unacceptable and the next time it happens there will be consequences.
It is a form of emotional trauma, you do not deserve to be treated like you are nothing, recovery or not, it is behavior that is hurtful.
Codies are in recovery too, if you gave him the silent treatment you would hear about it.
if he did not tell you he needed time, and is just ignoring you, it's traumatic and just setting up future resentments.
He already knows it's hurtful and punitive, you reminding him of that does nothing negative, but you set your boundry.
Seriously, we are suppose to take it, calmly, without expressing that it is unacceptable and the next time it happens there will be consequences.
It is a form of emotional trauma, you do not deserve to be treated like you are nothing, recovery or not, it is behavior that is hurtful.
Codies are in recovery too, if you gave him the silent treatment you would hear about it.
if he did not tell you he needed time, and is just ignoring you, it's traumatic and just setting up future resentments.
He already knows it's hurtful and punitive, you reminding him of that does nothing negative, but you set your boundry.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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It inflates his ego to have that kind of control.
It also provides him an escape from dealing with the real issues.
Avoidance is classic addict behavior, and as Katiekate said, the silent treatment is a form of emotional violence. It is harsh and punitive and it evokes fear and shame in its victim. It evokes trauma.
This is a person in RECOVERY? He is far from it.
Step 10: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." Every night an a recovering alcoholic asks himself: Did I treat people fairly and honestly? If he has not done so, the next day he fixes it. Addiction loves a guilty conscience. It provides a perfect motivation to get loaded. That is the practical reason for Step 10. It helps keep an alcoholic sober.
Recovering alcoholics step up. They communicate. They listen. The real evidence of recovery is in an alcoholic's relationships. If he's still treating people like objects to be used whenever he feels like it, rather than as equal partners deserving of respect and loving treatment, then he is still very sick.
One of my boundaries is I won't have relationships with people who give me the silent treatment.
What are your boundaries?
It also provides him an escape from dealing with the real issues.
Avoidance is classic addict behavior, and as Katiekate said, the silent treatment is a form of emotional violence. It is harsh and punitive and it evokes fear and shame in its victim. It evokes trauma.
This is a person in RECOVERY? He is far from it.
Step 10: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." Every night an a recovering alcoholic asks himself: Did I treat people fairly and honestly? If he has not done so, the next day he fixes it. Addiction loves a guilty conscience. It provides a perfect motivation to get loaded. That is the practical reason for Step 10. It helps keep an alcoholic sober.
Recovering alcoholics step up. They communicate. They listen. The real evidence of recovery is in an alcoholic's relationships. If he's still treating people like objects to be used whenever he feels like it, rather than as equal partners deserving of respect and loving treatment, then he is still very sick.
One of my boundaries is I won't have relationships with people who give me the silent treatment.
What are your boundaries?
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Originally Posted by Katiekate 
He already knows it's hurtful and punitive, you reminding him of that does nothing negative, but you set your boundry.
You could tell an alcoholic every day, until you are blue in the face, that his drinking around you is "unacceptable". A boundary would be where you remove yourself from the consequences of his drinking--refusing to bail him out, refusing to call in sick for him when he's hung over.
For the "silent treatment" a boundary is ignoring the behavior, going away from it, calling a friend on the phone, going to a meeting. Whatever gives you actual relief from the behavior.
If you feel that telling him that it makes you feel bad will make him stop doing it, then tell him. Personally, I've never seen anyone who is already feeling like punishing you stop because you say it hurts.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
How is telling someone that something is "unacceptable" set a boundary? To me, a boundary is something that you set for yourself, a way that you behave when something crosses a line.
You could tell an alcoholic every day, until you are blue in the face, that his drinking around you is "unacceptable". A boundary would be where you remove yourself from the consequences of his drinking--refusing to bail him out, refusing to call in sick for him when he's hung over.
For the "silent treatment" a boundary is ignoring the behavior, going away from it, calling a friend on the phone, going to a meeting. Whatever gives you actual relief from the behavior.
If you feel that telling him that it makes you feel bad will make him stop doing it, then tell him. Personally, I've never seen anyone who is already feeling like punishing you stop because you say it hurts.
You could tell an alcoholic every day, until you are blue in the face, that his drinking around you is "unacceptable". A boundary would be where you remove yourself from the consequences of his drinking--refusing to bail him out, refusing to call in sick for him when he's hung over.
For the "silent treatment" a boundary is ignoring the behavior, going away from it, calling a friend on the phone, going to a meeting. Whatever gives you actual relief from the behavior.
If you feel that telling him that it makes you feel bad will make him stop doing it, then tell him. Personally, I've never seen anyone who is already feeling like punishing you stop because you say it hurts.
If someone treats me badly there are consequenses, such as, relationship over.
Whether or not someone does or does not honor a boundry, is of no consequence to me, its of consequence to them, I set it, they stepped on it, done deal.
I don't control their behavior, I control mine.
If not living in the same house with an active addict is a boundry, if they use, they move, I don't do anything.
Personally, I've never seen anyone who is already feeling like punishing you stop because you say it hurts. I don't care , once i set the boundry, they have the information.
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I'm not trying to start an argument, I'm trying to understand. Your boundary is if you give me the silent treatment, I am leaving you? What is the consequence of the boundary violation?
It sounds to me as if you are just saying you don't like it. At some unspecified point in the future, you might get fed up enough to leave him. In the meantime, what is the consequence of violating the boundary? For you, I mean? Or him.
I guess I don't see the point, that it helps in any way.
It sounds to me as if you are just saying you don't like it. At some unspecified point in the future, you might get fed up enough to leave him. In the meantime, what is the consequence of violating the boundary? For you, I mean? Or him.
I guess I don't see the point, that it helps in any way.
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The rooms of recovery are not known for stellar mental health, and those not in recovery even less so. Disappearance and silent treatment are just passive agressive ways of dealing with conflict. You can either join in the dance or wait it out, but in either case it's beyond your control.
Seems to me the best way to handle it is the next time you interact with the person, state the obvious: "it seems like you've been withdrawn lately, what's up?" and if there is denial or no reply, leave it alone. They will come around or not, but pursuing it further only rewards the behavior.
Seems to me the best way to handle it is the next time you interact with the person, state the obvious: "it seems like you've been withdrawn lately, what's up?" and if there is denial or no reply, leave it alone. They will come around or not, but pursuing it further only rewards the behavior.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'm not trying to start an argument, I'm trying to understand. Your boundary is if you give me the silent treatment, I am leaving you? What is the consequence of the boundary violation?
It sounds to me as if you are just saying you don't like it. At some unspecified point in the future, you might get fed up enough to leave him. In the meantime, what is the consequence of violating the boundary? For you, I mean? Or him.
I guess I don't see the point, that it helps in any way.
It sounds to me as if you are just saying you don't like it. At some unspecified point in the future, you might get fed up enough to leave him. In the meantime, what is the consequence of violating the boundary? For you, I mean? Or him.
I guess I don't see the point, that it helps in any way.
The consequence is whatever you feel is appropriate at the time. I used leaving the realtionship as an example.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Ouch - I am SO guilty of the silent treatment. I have a temper - my way of controlling it over the last decade has become to just shut up I guess. Unless he approaches me with his tail between his legs, it isn't going to be pretty - so I guess over the years I've put the screamer in me away and replaced her with someone that just wont talk for 3 days til I've cooled down. Obviously NOT OK to do to anyone - (see emotional violence, harsh and punitive and evokes fear and shame and trauma in its victims comments above.) Ouch.
But I don't want to flip out either. Some of the comments above help me realize I need to do something about this "abusive behavior."
A couple times during the silent treatment, he has asked me why i am not talking to him, and he has expressed that it doesn't help a loving relationship with open communication (neither does the vodka bottle, I say, but whatever
) Anyway, when he has said this to me - whether I talk about the issue from there or not, it makes me think hard about what I'm doing....and it ends the silent treatment even faster when he continues on with his merry life - doing fun things etc - without me because I'm too much of a pill at the time to join in. I'm getting better, but still a work in progress for sure.
Good luck.
But I don't want to flip out either. Some of the comments above help me realize I need to do something about this "abusive behavior."
A couple times during the silent treatment, he has asked me why i am not talking to him, and he has expressed that it doesn't help a loving relationship with open communication (neither does the vodka bottle, I say, but whatever
) Anyway, when he has said this to me - whether I talk about the issue from there or not, it makes me think hard about what I'm doing....and it ends the silent treatment even faster when he continues on with his merry life - doing fun things etc - without me because I'm too much of a pill at the time to join in. I'm getting better, but still a work in progress for sure.Good luck.
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I can talk, and talk and talk. My RAH needs to think things over. Often times this results in silent treatment. Its not abusive - if angry he sometimes needs to chill, even when not angry sometimes he needs to play it out in his head.
Its just who he is. Pausing to think things over is a good thing I am very quick to form an opinion that may later change.
Not sure if that's the situation here exactly - just another viewpoint.
Its just who he is. Pausing to think things over is a good thing I am very quick to form an opinion that may later change.
Not sure if that's the situation here exactly - just another viewpoint.
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