Best Way to Find Sober Living?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 47
Hopeful - I was able to do some research on sober houses for a friend of mine. He was in an in-patient stay and also had a blackout on all cell/internet usage. Not sure where you live, but I just went into *****.com or google and typed in "sober houses" and the state name. I was able to find a number of options and then I printed it out and gave it to him 
He worked in conjunction with the people at the hospital to find a home that suited him.
He worked in conjunction with the people at the hospital to find a home that suited him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I don't know if my brother would have gotten better or not. He was never given the opportunity to find out. My Mom wouldn't take the risk, filled herself full of the fears of "what ifs". Maybe he would have gotten better, it would have been great to take that chance. And maybe they would have healed as well, maybe they would have let go of guilt and fear and found peace in support. But as they say in AlAnon...Nothing changes if Nothing changes.
Yes, you get HUGE credit for setting limits on him coming home. I lived it with my family, I have first hand witness to how hard that is. And, now, I find myself in a relationship with an alcoholic (in early recovery). I wonder how much of my upbringing played in to my choices. Fortunately, I have learned from my parents what I don't want in my life. So now I do the work and set the limits. Ugh. We will see how he does now that he's home. He is doing the work, so I am continuing my work.
It's not easy for any loved one, I think being a parent is the hardest spot of any. So I'm not trying to be harsh or critical, I do feel for your position. I watched my parents age over my brother. I hope your situation turns out successfully, I wouldn't wish my parents life on anyone.
Yes, you get HUGE credit for setting limits on him coming home. I lived it with my family, I have first hand witness to how hard that is. And, now, I find myself in a relationship with an alcoholic (in early recovery). I wonder how much of my upbringing played in to my choices. Fortunately, I have learned from my parents what I don't want in my life. So now I do the work and set the limits. Ugh. We will see how he does now that he's home. He is doing the work, so I am continuing my work.
It's not easy for any loved one, I think being a parent is the hardest spot of any. So I'm not trying to be harsh or critical, I do feel for your position. I watched my parents age over my brother. I hope your situation turns out successfully, I wouldn't wish my parents life on anyone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Patsfan- thanks for the suggestion. I think I'm going to end up doing something similar.
Recovering2- I appreciate the comments a lot. I hope your brother finds sobriety and your RBF keeps it. ;- )
Recovering2- I appreciate the comments a lot. I hope your brother finds sobriety and your RBF keeps it. ;- )
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
The rehab facility that my stepson was in worked with the insurance company and arranged for the SLE in which he is living. We did not have any input because stepson is over 30 and he is not covered on our insurance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD 
Anyway, as I said, I'm doing it for my peace of mind. I'd like to know there are some options out there for him other than homelessness. If that makes me a horribly enabling parent- oh well. I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that my parenting did not make him an alcoholic.
Why would you think your parenting made him an alcoholic? It doesn't work that way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
HopefulmomtoD,
I didn't know what a sober living house was until my brother mentioned that they were suggesting it as a next step after his rehab. But he was already across the country and all the sober living facilities they recommended weren't home and weren't some place he was interested in living.
I did google sober living facilities. I found some in a town where he would be able to walk/bike/ride a bus to a job. And quite frankly - he'd be close to me - a family member. I picked him up from the airport and the next day we visited a few. The first was just a rented house. The second was bigger - they had meetings - they were clear about the requirements for living there - job, meetings, service requirements. But they didn't make it easy. The guy that made the decisions wasn't in - and we needed to wait all day. My brother said he didn't want to wait and he took another look at the first house again - but it wasn't right - just a bunch of guys living together. He asked if we could wait for the other house and I said yes.
It was kind of an awkward day - we took a walk on the beach. And then we went back to the second house and that is were I left him.
Did I do too much? Maybe/Probably. Could he have done it on his own. Sure.
But my brother drank and used in isolation. Yes I offered the help first. But it was a long time before he picked up the phone and said - were you serious. I need help. In his case and considering the fact that we are ACA's - I think breaking out of the isolation was a big step for him. So why leave him out in the cold.
By the way his instincts were spot on. That sober living facility was solid.
What I read on the board is a lot of black/white - right/wrong thinking. I don't think it's that simple. We live in family systems - not isolation. What is right for one person/family is wrong for another. Yes it's hard to be clear about our motives. And certainly what feels like a compassionate act might also be enabling.
But really only time will tell.
Best wishes.
Vicki
I didn't know what a sober living house was until my brother mentioned that they were suggesting it as a next step after his rehab. But he was already across the country and all the sober living facilities they recommended weren't home and weren't some place he was interested in living.
I did google sober living facilities. I found some in a town where he would be able to walk/bike/ride a bus to a job. And quite frankly - he'd be close to me - a family member. I picked him up from the airport and the next day we visited a few. The first was just a rented house. The second was bigger - they had meetings - they were clear about the requirements for living there - job, meetings, service requirements. But they didn't make it easy. The guy that made the decisions wasn't in - and we needed to wait all day. My brother said he didn't want to wait and he took another look at the first house again - but it wasn't right - just a bunch of guys living together. He asked if we could wait for the other house and I said yes.
It was kind of an awkward day - we took a walk on the beach. And then we went back to the second house and that is were I left him.
Did I do too much? Maybe/Probably. Could he have done it on his own. Sure.
But my brother drank and used in isolation. Yes I offered the help first. But it was a long time before he picked up the phone and said - were you serious. I need help. In his case and considering the fact that we are ACA's - I think breaking out of the isolation was a big step for him. So why leave him out in the cold.
By the way his instincts were spot on. That sober living facility was solid.
What I read on the board is a lot of black/white - right/wrong thinking. I don't think it's that simple. We live in family systems - not isolation. What is right for one person/family is wrong for another. Yes it's hard to be clear about our motives. And certainly what feels like a compassionate act might also be enabling.
But really only time will tell.
Best wishes.
Vicki
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by VickiACA
HopefulmomtoD,
I didn't know what a sober living house was until my brother mentioned that they were suggesting it as a next step after his rehab. But he was already across the country and all the sober living facilities they recommended weren't home and weren't some place he was interested in living.
I did google sober living facilities. I found some in a town where he would be able to walk/bike/ride a bus to a job. And quite frankly - he'd be close to me - a family member. I picked him up from the airport and the next day we visited a few. The first was just a rented house. The second was bigger - they had meetings - they were clear about the requirements for living there - job, meetings, service requirements. But they didn't make it easy. The guy that made the decisions wasn't in - and we needed to wait all day. My brother said he didn't want to wait and he took another look at the first house again - but it wasn't right - just a bunch of guys living together. He asked if we could wait for the other house and I said yes.
It was kind of an awkward day - we took a walk on the beach. And then we went back to the second house and that is were I left him.
Did I do too much? Maybe/Probably. Could he have done it on his own. Sure.
But my brother drank and used in isolation. Yes I offered the help first. But it was a long time before he picked up the phone and said - were you serious. I need help. In his case and considering the fact that we are ACA's - I think breaking out of the isolation was a big step for him. So why leave him out in the cold.
By the way his instincts were spot on. That sober living facility was solid.
What I read on the board is a lot of black/white - right/wrong thinking. I don't think it's that simple. We live in family systems - not isolation. What is right for one person/family is wrong for another. Yes it's hard to be clear about our motives. And certainly what feels like a compassionate act might also be enabling.
But really only time will tell.
Best wishes.
Vicki
I didn't know what a sober living house was until my brother mentioned that they were suggesting it as a next step after his rehab. But he was already across the country and all the sober living facilities they recommended weren't home and weren't some place he was interested in living.
I did google sober living facilities. I found some in a town where he would be able to walk/bike/ride a bus to a job. And quite frankly - he'd be close to me - a family member. I picked him up from the airport and the next day we visited a few. The first was just a rented house. The second was bigger - they had meetings - they were clear about the requirements for living there - job, meetings, service requirements. But they didn't make it easy. The guy that made the decisions wasn't in - and we needed to wait all day. My brother said he didn't want to wait and he took another look at the first house again - but it wasn't right - just a bunch of guys living together. He asked if we could wait for the other house and I said yes.
It was kind of an awkward day - we took a walk on the beach. And then we went back to the second house and that is were I left him.
Did I do too much? Maybe/Probably. Could he have done it on his own. Sure.
But my brother drank and used in isolation. Yes I offered the help first. But it was a long time before he picked up the phone and said - were you serious. I need help. In his case and considering the fact that we are ACA's - I think breaking out of the isolation was a big step for him. So why leave him out in the cold.
By the way his instincts were spot on. That sober living facility was solid.
What I read on the board is a lot of black/white - right/wrong thinking. I don't think it's that simple. We live in family systems - not isolation. What is right for one person/family is wrong for another. Yes it's hard to be clear about our motives. And certainly what feels like a compassionate act might also be enabling.
But really only time will tell.
Best wishes.
Vicki
Thanks for sharing. I agree with what you say/shared. How is your brother doing?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Hopeful --
I'm kind of in the same spot as you....except probably have more time in the rehab/SLE/homelessness/rescuing cycle! My son also has mental health issues so I get where you're coming from. That being said....take my words with a grain of salt.
I have found that the counselors at rehab have the best recommendations about sober living alternatives. IF you want, you could even check at other rehabs in your city/area because they're lists are not exhaustive. Also, the quality of the SLE's varies like the tides so you may want to ask which (if any) of these SLE's they have personally visited and evaluated. All of this depends on how involved YOU want to be in this decision.
My AS has been in 3 SLE's here in my city. I know that all 3 are well supervised and because of that I have been willing to support him by paying rent in any of those 3 houses. However, I will not pay rent in any other house whatsoever. I do not provide a cell phone or any spending money. I do pay for medical and psychiatric care (co-pays) and medication co-pays. I only talk to him about once a week. He is on notice now that I am willing to pay for 1 or 2 more months of rent at the SLE but he has to hand over his paychecks for a while once he finds a job (and he is actively looking).
Basically, as long as he stays sober and follows the house rules, I will support him in this minimal way for a couple more months (longer if he finds and keeps a job, and hands over his paycheck).
He is aware that if/when he slips up and gets kicked out, he is on his own. I will have to deal with that anxiety if/when the time comes.
He also knows that he is not allowed in my home and that will never be an option.
This is a plan that I can live with, a plan that helps ME sleep at night.
I'm kind of in the same spot as you....except probably have more time in the rehab/SLE/homelessness/rescuing cycle! My son also has mental health issues so I get where you're coming from. That being said....take my words with a grain of salt.
I have found that the counselors at rehab have the best recommendations about sober living alternatives. IF you want, you could even check at other rehabs in your city/area because they're lists are not exhaustive. Also, the quality of the SLE's varies like the tides so you may want to ask which (if any) of these SLE's they have personally visited and evaluated. All of this depends on how involved YOU want to be in this decision.
My AS has been in 3 SLE's here in my city. I know that all 3 are well supervised and because of that I have been willing to support him by paying rent in any of those 3 houses. However, I will not pay rent in any other house whatsoever. I do not provide a cell phone or any spending money. I do pay for medical and psychiatric care (co-pays) and medication co-pays. I only talk to him about once a week. He is on notice now that I am willing to pay for 1 or 2 more months of rent at the SLE but he has to hand over his paychecks for a while once he finds a job (and he is actively looking).
Basically, as long as he stays sober and follows the house rules, I will support him in this minimal way for a couple more months (longer if he finds and keeps a job, and hands over his paycheck).
He is aware that if/when he slips up and gets kicked out, he is on his own. I will have to deal with that anxiety if/when the time comes.
He also knows that he is not allowed in my home and that will never be an option.
This is a plan that I can live with, a plan that helps ME sleep at night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Thanks tjp .... I've gotten a few suggestions for homes in our area so I'm feeling a bit better about where he can go. I also think the rehab will have some suggestions. I'm with you- being able to sleep at night is important. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I support you on trusting your instincts. There is a lot of black and white "by the book" thinking here - people who judge other people's motives without truly knowing details . . . to call someone "enabling" can be judgmental . . .giving him a list of options is not enabling in my book (especially because if he is an alcoholic at this young age he has to be super immature) . . .
I understand not wanting him to fall through the cracks and the counselors in rehab, while well meaning, really don't think too much about after care (in my experience).
I think the best way to find good SLE's is to use every resource - google, talk to people, get recommendations, call churches (many churches have addiction referral programs or even in-house resources).
Good luck and I hope you get the support you need for yourself, as well.
I understand not wanting him to fall through the cracks and the counselors in rehab, while well meaning, really don't think too much about after care (in my experience).
I think the best way to find good SLE's is to use every resource - google, talk to people, get recommendations, call churches (many churches have addiction referral programs or even in-house resources).
Good luck and I hope you get the support you need for yourself, as well.
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