I want to help my Mom but don't know how?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 75
I want to help my Mom but don't know how?
Hi,
A little about me and my family - me, 30 something male, married with 2 year old, sober 3 months, currently unemployed (for 3 months also..) but basically happy and positive about myself, my family and the future.
My family - single mother reared me and my sister through working VERY hard, but making some errors in judgement along the way notably with men (which I do not blame her for). She has always been fond of a drink and has recently admitted to me that she is an alcoholic, which me and my sister have known for years.
My dad and his family - lovely people but raging alcoholics. It was always on the cards for me that if the genetic alcohol theory was ever true, I would be in trouble. I started showing signs last year. Quit for 3 months. Tried to moderate. Couldn't. And now positive that I won't go back after another 3 month sober period.
The thing is my mom also has bipolar disorder stemming from a combination of her natural personality and one or two pretty horrible events in her teen years. Now whenever she visits us (we live a long way from her at the moment) it always includes one of her 'moments'. I would describe one of these moments as her turning into satan after drinking far too much wine and embarrassing herself me my wife etc. Then followed by the tears in the following morning, guilt etc.
Apparently she had a Christmas Special while visiting my sister...which is why I am asking for advice...I wasn't there, but my sister has said that this is the lowest she has gone..she actually kicked my sisters husband twice, told him that he was no good for my daughter, told HIS DAD that she knew where he got it from...just basic stuff from the '101 things not to say to your extended family' book.
I want to help her. I think she wants to be helped. But getting through to her is dangerous territory...she has a history of mental health issues and depression, one time she asked me and my sisters permission to end her life...another time she flipped out completely and we had to call the ambulance followed by emergency counselling.
The thing is after this emergency counselling I remember seeing her a completely different relaxed person after she had the chance to off load some stress and anxiety with a professional. My sister is of the belief that it's up to her to sort her drinking and mind out..but I think now is the time to try and intervene. The problem is like I say I live thousands of miles away. Also, she basically locks herself in her flat when she is not working apart from the odd friend visit...(she has friends who think she is the best person in the world...because she is...she really is....99% of the time, and she knows it...kind, caring, hilarious, genuine..but when she loses the plot all that goes out the window which is why a lot of people from her past don't keep in touch...much as she tries to get me believe it's everyone else with the problem..
So my real question is...does this sound familiar with anybody here, can anyone relate and offer some advice? Method of approach for example. Also, I don't really know now which of the two main issues she has is the main one...by that I mean, if she quit drinking would her mental state balance out, or conversely if she sorted her manic depression out would the drinking stop. Or are they both interdependent and as such would they both need to be treated.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for rambling.
PD
A little about me and my family - me, 30 something male, married with 2 year old, sober 3 months, currently unemployed (for 3 months also..) but basically happy and positive about myself, my family and the future.
My family - single mother reared me and my sister through working VERY hard, but making some errors in judgement along the way notably with men (which I do not blame her for). She has always been fond of a drink and has recently admitted to me that she is an alcoholic, which me and my sister have known for years.
My dad and his family - lovely people but raging alcoholics. It was always on the cards for me that if the genetic alcohol theory was ever true, I would be in trouble. I started showing signs last year. Quit for 3 months. Tried to moderate. Couldn't. And now positive that I won't go back after another 3 month sober period.
The thing is my mom also has bipolar disorder stemming from a combination of her natural personality and one or two pretty horrible events in her teen years. Now whenever she visits us (we live a long way from her at the moment) it always includes one of her 'moments'. I would describe one of these moments as her turning into satan after drinking far too much wine and embarrassing herself me my wife etc. Then followed by the tears in the following morning, guilt etc.
Apparently she had a Christmas Special while visiting my sister...which is why I am asking for advice...I wasn't there, but my sister has said that this is the lowest she has gone..she actually kicked my sisters husband twice, told him that he was no good for my daughter, told HIS DAD that she knew where he got it from...just basic stuff from the '101 things not to say to your extended family' book.
I want to help her. I think she wants to be helped. But getting through to her is dangerous territory...she has a history of mental health issues and depression, one time she asked me and my sisters permission to end her life...another time she flipped out completely and we had to call the ambulance followed by emergency counselling.
The thing is after this emergency counselling I remember seeing her a completely different relaxed person after she had the chance to off load some stress and anxiety with a professional. My sister is of the belief that it's up to her to sort her drinking and mind out..but I think now is the time to try and intervene. The problem is like I say I live thousands of miles away. Also, she basically locks herself in her flat when she is not working apart from the odd friend visit...(she has friends who think she is the best person in the world...because she is...she really is....99% of the time, and she knows it...kind, caring, hilarious, genuine..but when she loses the plot all that goes out the window which is why a lot of people from her past don't keep in touch...much as she tries to get me believe it's everyone else with the problem..
So my real question is...does this sound familiar with anybody here, can anyone relate and offer some advice? Method of approach for example. Also, I don't really know now which of the two main issues she has is the main one...by that I mean, if she quit drinking would her mental state balance out, or conversely if she sorted her manic depression out would the drinking stop. Or are they both interdependent and as such would they both need to be treated.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for rambling.
PD
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Was there anything your loved ones said or did that got you sober?
In my case, it wasn't what anyone said or did that helped me find recovery. It was an inside job.
As to her other issues, I have experience with clinical depression and alcoholism. Alcohol is a depressant. As long as I was actively drinking, my depression wasn't being properly addressed. Medication was not the solution as long as I was ingesting alcohol.
I'm sorry that there isn't a magic solution for getting our loved ones sober and into lasting recovery. If there was, there wouldn't be a need for this part of the forum.
Just as the first step of AA: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable ~ so do we as the loved ones of alcoholics work the same first step! We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.
Has your sister considered attending Alanon meetings for face to face support in her community?
In my case, it wasn't what anyone said or did that helped me find recovery. It was an inside job.
As to her other issues, I have experience with clinical depression and alcoholism. Alcohol is a depressant. As long as I was actively drinking, my depression wasn't being properly addressed. Medication was not the solution as long as I was ingesting alcohol.
I'm sorry that there isn't a magic solution for getting our loved ones sober and into lasting recovery. If there was, there wouldn't be a need for this part of the forum.
Just as the first step of AA: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable ~ so do we as the loved ones of alcoholics work the same first step! We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.
Has your sister considered attending Alanon meetings for face to face support in her community?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
