He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
My bf admits he is an alcoholic. He was sober for five years about 15 years ago. When I first met him two years ago he was drinking a 1.5 liter bottle of wine (or two) every night. When he switched to Scotch, I left him. He was sober for a couple of weeks, I came back, then switched to a six pack of beer, which he drank every night for the last year or so.
Ten days ago he had chest pains and I took him to the ER. Long story short, he had quadruple bypass surgery last Friday. Every doctor he has talked to has told him he must quit smoking (1.5 packs per day for 36 years), and he is committed to doing that.
They have also told him that he must quit drinking, but no one will come out and say stop altogether. Two doctors in the ER asked him if he was an alcoholic and he said yes. But since the surgery, everyone is afraid of that word. As if they are afraid they will hurt his feelings or insult him. It makes me furious.
If you went to a mechanic and there was something wrong with your car that might kill you and the mechanic didn't come right out and tell you, you would be livid. "Gee, Mr. Jones, your axle had a great big crack and I figured it would break in half sooner or later and kill you, but I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
One doctor did have the b-lls to say that if he continued smoking and drinking like he was, he would be dead in six months. But that fright wore off, and this morning, my bf said he was going to do the glass of wine a day thing. I said I would not be in a house with him if there was alcohol and I mean it. I've had it with his drinking, in ANY amount. I don't want to keep wondering if this is the night it's going to be two, then three, drinks, and then the bottle.
He thinks he can quit on his own, because he went through rehab years ago.
Tonight I hate him and wish I had never met him. I wish I had walked out the first night he got drunk. I hate his rotten guts for being the lousy drunk that he is. When he drinks, he gets very argumentative and bombastic, very superior, the rotten bastard.
Ever since the surgery, I can't seem to find any positive feelings for him. I wish him well, but that's about as intense as it gets. I'm a widow; my husband died four years ago after many, many health problems, but he didn't have a choice. My bf has done this to himself.
I'm so exhausted. They're discharging him tomorrow and I dread being around the house with him. He won't be able to drive for six weeks.
Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I wish I could feel something positive... Am I the biggest, stupidest fool on the face of the earth?
Ten days ago he had chest pains and I took him to the ER. Long story short, he had quadruple bypass surgery last Friday. Every doctor he has talked to has told him he must quit smoking (1.5 packs per day for 36 years), and he is committed to doing that.
They have also told him that he must quit drinking, but no one will come out and say stop altogether. Two doctors in the ER asked him if he was an alcoholic and he said yes. But since the surgery, everyone is afraid of that word. As if they are afraid they will hurt his feelings or insult him. It makes me furious.
If you went to a mechanic and there was something wrong with your car that might kill you and the mechanic didn't come right out and tell you, you would be livid. "Gee, Mr. Jones, your axle had a great big crack and I figured it would break in half sooner or later and kill you, but I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
One doctor did have the b-lls to say that if he continued smoking and drinking like he was, he would be dead in six months. But that fright wore off, and this morning, my bf said he was going to do the glass of wine a day thing. I said I would not be in a house with him if there was alcohol and I mean it. I've had it with his drinking, in ANY amount. I don't want to keep wondering if this is the night it's going to be two, then three, drinks, and then the bottle.
He thinks he can quit on his own, because he went through rehab years ago.
Tonight I hate him and wish I had never met him. I wish I had walked out the first night he got drunk. I hate his rotten guts for being the lousy drunk that he is. When he drinks, he gets very argumentative and bombastic, very superior, the rotten bastard.
Ever since the surgery, I can't seem to find any positive feelings for him. I wish him well, but that's about as intense as it gets. I'm a widow; my husband died four years ago after many, many health problems, but he didn't have a choice. My bf has done this to himself.
I'm so exhausted. They're discharging him tomorrow and I dread being around the house with him. He won't be able to drive for six weeks.
Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I wish I could feel something positive... Am I the biggest, stupidest fool on the face of the earth?
Last edited by Sasha99; 04-19-2004 at 09:49 PM. Reason: left something out
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Re: He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
Hi Sasha
NO, you're not!
You did the right thing by coming here to vent - I could feel all the resentment, anger and frustration coming through your words.
Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? There's people at these meetings who will not only listen to you but actually understand where all this is coming from. Being able to talk it through with someone will help because bottling it all up is bad for your physical, emotional and mental health (well, that's what I believe anyway). We all hate it when someone close to us isn't making the best of the space they've been given but you can't control or cure the damage they do to themselves because you didn't cause the problem in the first place, and you're obviously a caring, loving person because you wouldn't care or feel anything for his situation if you weren't. So how about you start turning those caring, loving attributes that you have onto yourself? You deserve to feel good and Al-Anon can give you the tools that you need to start working towards that goal.
Keep coming back
HugZ
Sandra
NO, you're not!
You did the right thing by coming here to vent - I could feel all the resentment, anger and frustration coming through your words.
Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? There's people at these meetings who will not only listen to you but actually understand where all this is coming from. Being able to talk it through with someone will help because bottling it all up is bad for your physical, emotional and mental health (well, that's what I believe anyway). We all hate it when someone close to us isn't making the best of the space they've been given but you can't control or cure the damage they do to themselves because you didn't cause the problem in the first place, and you're obviously a caring, loving person because you wouldn't care or feel anything for his situation if you weren't. So how about you start turning those caring, loving attributes that you have onto yourself? You deserve to feel good and Al-Anon can give you the tools that you need to start working towards that goal.
Keep coming back
HugZ
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Re: He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
Good morning Sasha.
You probably don't hate his rotten guts, you're just mad as heck at his rotten guts. If you hated his rotten guts you wouldn't care that his rotten guts are rotting.
And I know just how you feel. Including about the pussyfooting medical folks. But I guess they have so much experience with denial and minimizing that they've learned to just back off and not make themselves crazy.
You're not stupid. Plenty of us have thought we could help someone lick this disease because we did not understand it. And I know how torn you must feel between wanting to care for him because of his surgery and wanting to walk because he could have avoided putting both of you in this position. Be sure to take care of you.
Hugs,
Smoke
You probably don't hate his rotten guts, you're just mad as heck at his rotten guts. If you hated his rotten guts you wouldn't care that his rotten guts are rotting.
And I know just how you feel. Including about the pussyfooting medical folks. But I guess they have so much experience with denial and minimizing that they've learned to just back off and not make themselves crazy.You're not stupid. Plenty of us have thought we could help someone lick this disease because we did not understand it. And I know how torn you must feel between wanting to care for him because of his surgery and wanting to walk because he could have avoided putting both of you in this position. Be sure to take care of you.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
Re: He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
Thanks for the replies.
I do go to alanon meetings, and believe me, I don't bottle this up.
The thing that concerns me this morning is that I feel so indifferent toward him. I'm not looking forward to seeing him or being with him. We just talked on the phone, and it was very businesslike-- the way you would talk to someone from work that you barely know. I think this indifference is covering up my anger; that's one reason why I wanted to express the anger-- to get at what was underneath. But this morning I don't even feel anger, just blankness.
Last night on the phone he said that he's been drunk for two years and that he wanted to start over. But I don't trust him. I'm very skeptical. When I told him I thought we were both holding back on our feelings because neither one of us feels safe in this relationship, he said, why don't we just stop dissecting everything and just let it be. Yeah, he just had major surgery and that may have been a heavy topic for that moment, but I feel like there's a crack in his shell (literally and figuratively) at this point, and I want to express myself before it hardens again and shuts me out.
I don't have a lot of hope for us at this point. We'll see...
I do go to alanon meetings, and believe me, I don't bottle this up.
The thing that concerns me this morning is that I feel so indifferent toward him. I'm not looking forward to seeing him or being with him. We just talked on the phone, and it was very businesslike-- the way you would talk to someone from work that you barely know. I think this indifference is covering up my anger; that's one reason why I wanted to express the anger-- to get at what was underneath. But this morning I don't even feel anger, just blankness.
Last night on the phone he said that he's been drunk for two years and that he wanted to start over. But I don't trust him. I'm very skeptical. When I told him I thought we were both holding back on our feelings because neither one of us feels safe in this relationship, he said, why don't we just stop dissecting everything and just let it be. Yeah, he just had major surgery and that may have been a heavy topic for that moment, but I feel like there's a crack in his shell (literally and figuratively) at this point, and I want to express myself before it hardens again and shuts me out.
I don't have a lot of hope for us at this point. We'll see...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Re: He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
Yeah, that numb feeling - know it well. I think sometimes I get like that as a kind of self defense mechanism to stop me going crazy.
I hope things go OK between the two of you when he gets home.
Good Luck!
HugZ
Sandra
I hope things go OK between the two of you when he gets home.
Good Luck!
HugZ
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Re: He had quadruple bypass Friday- doc said quit or die
one of the things i found helpful was reading the dr.s post here in soberrecovery site about grieving the living.. for some reason it gave me a feel for the pain that seemed so real and yet.. was so similar to grieving the dead.
for myself each day i struggle with the control thing. knowing someone has the right to kill themself if that is their choice. and that there is nothing i can do about it. not thing one. at first i was so upset.. then i was... angry.. and then i was.. a little better... and then numb. just like grief.
i hope you have good luck working your program and that whatever is meant to be, you will find happiness and peace in it.
for myself each day i struggle with the control thing. knowing someone has the right to kill themself if that is their choice. and that there is nothing i can do about it. not thing one. at first i was so upset.. then i was... angry.. and then i was.. a little better... and then numb. just like grief.
i hope you have good luck working your program and that whatever is meant to be, you will find happiness and peace in it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
