HopefulmomtoD

I'm a mom of a alcoholic 22 year old- who is no longer recovering and I'm no longer feeling hopeful. He did a 30 day program and then six months in a sle. We brought him home a little over a month ago.

We found a vodka bottle hidden this morning- not well, because I wasn't even looking. I'm heartbroken because I have to kick him out and he really has no where to go. He's not a mean drunk, he just isolates in his room. But, that was the deal ... he can't drink here or he's out. And, now, five days before Christmas I have to do it. And, its so hard. He's quiet and introverted and battles depression and I have to kick him out. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength.

He wouldn't even talk. Just shut down - that's his MO.

I'm so sick of the pain of this and I've got to somehow pull it together for my other kids.

Any words of wisdom out there?

nano

I am so sorry that your son has put you in this position right now, before the holiday, when it will be most upsetting to the entire family... I can't really help as I am just starting down this path myself. My 26yo daughter is in rehab for the first time. All I can do is commiserate with how unbelievably painful this must be for you. I too have other adult kids and grandkids so I must find the strength to celebrate Christmas with the rest of the family while our precious daughter is away from us, suffering the consequences of this destructive disease.

I wish I were feeling hopeful but I fear we have just begun a long and painful journey. I am trying to detach a little every day, let go of my hopes and aspirations for this child and realize that I have done absolutely everything I can possibly do to bolster her, prepare her and support her in becoming a happy, contributing member of society.

How old are your other kids, if I may ask? If they are younger than your son I think it even more important that you take as tough a line as you can. Did your son enter rehab agreeably? Is he still in therapy? Did rehab help him in anyway? Is he willing to go back to treatment, or is this even an option? (Obviously I don't yet understand the "lines" we must draw... Do you draw the same line with a 22 yo as you would with a 50yo?)

Wishing you all the best this holiday and with this most difficult, heart-wrenching decision. Maybe the new year will usher in new reasons for hope.

MsPINKAcres

Can I offer a suggestion of not looking at it as "kicking him out" but opening a door to a path for him to have the ability to find his own way in life ~ to find the dignity, self-respect, and opportunity to make healthier choices for himself ~

At 22, he is an adult (although they always feel like our babies) ~ allowing him this opportunity says I have faith in you as an adult to make it ~

It won't be easy, but it tries something different ~ because we learn in recovery if we want something different we have to try something different ~

my heartfelt prayers & support going out to you & yours ~

pink hugs,

ShootingStar1

What a terribly difficult situation to be in.

Does your AS have an AA sponsor? This may be the time to call the sponsor and tell him the situation so that you know - and can share with your other children - that your AS does have a resource available and hasn't been kicked out into the cold with no lifeline.

I know that generally family is not supposed to call the A's sponsor, but in this case, you are sending a message to your younger kids, and it might be better for them as well as your AS to understand that you do care, there are real resources available to your AS, and it is his choice to use them.

My hugs and prayers and good wishes are with you and your family.

ShootingStar1

HopefulmomtoD

Thank you nano. My other kids are high school age (he's the one that actually found the bottle right before leaving for school this am. And, I worry he will feel guilty about it.) My daughter is due to come home from college today- welcome home. ;-(

I just don't know what else to do to help him. I'd be embarrassed to say how much we spent on his rehab and sober living and we just don't know how much more we can spend when it doesn't seem to help one little bit. ;- (

He went to rehab willingly and accepts that he is an alcoholic. But, as soon as he got home, started dragging his feet about getting a sponsor and going to meetings here. He went to two meetings a week because I made him.

My DH says he's got to get out. He did tell him that he could call his old sober living home and see if they would take him back. But, I don't know if they would without another 30 day rehab ...

If he came home from work, and said he would get to a meeting tonight and daily and get a sponsor NOW, do I let him stay? Or, do I stick to the original boundary.

I know I do not want to live with him drinking. I know he needs to be on his own. Its just so hard to kick him out ...

I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain with your daughter. Addiction and alcoholism are awful diseases and cause so much pain for everyone that loves them.

HopefulmomtoD

Pink ... thank you and you are probably right and I hope you are. But, AS is very childlike. He's very smart but extremely immature. And, in moments like this, I just can't imagine him making it. He has no car and we live in suburbia. He has an ex?girlfriend- she's is the only person that would possibly help him. His job is only seasonal- so his income will be over soon. I know he's applied for lots of jobs but nothing yet.

Shooting Star- unfortunately, his sponsor from his SLE is states away. He never got another sponsor when he came back home despite saying he would. However, he could very easily call him. Thanks for the hugs and prayers.

Maylie

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am not a mother, so I can't even begin to understand how difficult it must be.

I am the same age as your son and I am a recovering heroin addict. I can tell you one thing, since I have been in his shoes, is that he knew your boundary and make a conscious decision to break it. He knew what the consequences would be, it isn't like he didn't know if he drank he would be asked to leave.

As hard as it might be, stick to your boundary. If you let him stay it will send the message that you aren't serious about it and that he can continue to drink, he just needs to be smarter about hiding it.

I wouldn't let him stay even if he started throwing himself full force into AA and got a sponsor. I say this, because as a recovered addict I know what addicts will do in order to not feel the consequences of his actions. He most likely won't go to AA in order to really turn his life around, he will do it because it will be his ticket to being allowed to stay. Going to AA to make sure he has a home won't stop him from drinking and hiding it from you.

I'm so sorry he has made the decision not to respect your boundaries and has put this huge burden on your shoulders right near the holidays. He knows you love him and he will find his way. You have yourself and other children to worry about.

Keep working on yourself and try to remember you didn't force him to leave, he made a conscious decision to drink when he knew he would be asked to leave.

hugs

Maylie

HopefulmomtoD

Maylie,

Thank you so much for your response. I know the right thing to do, but was weakening and trying to find ways to keep my boundary and and know he was safe.

It is so hard to kick out your child when they don't have the tools to live life yet.

I just don't understand why he would take the chance- but, I'm not an addict.

grandma12

I think the hardest thing i have ever done is ask my 26 year old son to leave my house and not come back, that lead to him using for 48 days stright with no sleep, but at the end of those days he had indeed hit his bottom. He has been clean and sobor for four and half years. In may of this year he invited me to hear him speak. I knew that he would say somthing about being asked to leave my home i was prepared for it I was surprised when he said thank you. Stay strong. Hugs

nano

The pain and disappointment for the siblings is also so tragic. We have five kids, one younger than our AD. This poor baby sister (also coming home from college) has had to pick up her older sib on many occasions, rock her to sleep, talk her down from binge nights when she is feeling suicidal... You just wonder how this is going to affect the siblings' lives? It is so very unfair to them and the family as a whole.

What a convoluted "disease;" one that you must simultaneously accept as a physiological condition beyond ones control and yet treat it's victims with tough love measures that place blame and fault suggesting weakness of will and spirit. What a horrible notion that this is the only way to "treat" someone with this debilitating disease.

When someone tells you your child has a disease your instinct is to rush in and do something, ANYTHING, to save him. But next they tell you only the child can save himself, there is nothing you can do and if fact the more you "do" for him, the sicker he will become... It goes against every parental instinct in every cell of the body. This is the best we can do? This is what medical science has to offer us? I have a son with an neurological disorder and sometimes I ask the universe the same questions about his condition... And yet we send people to the moon, as they say.

I am not a religious person but I understand now more than ever the value of prayer as it seems the only option when all else fails and our human limitations are revealed to us in the form of a sick child.

choublak

There's a pattern here though.

HopefulmomtoD

Nano,

It is a struggle, but I am doing better than I would have in the past because of all of my reading here. Don't get me wrong- I am absolutely devastated, but not shocked. I knew his chances of relapse were strong and I knew he would lie about it. The biggies that have kicked in for me in my growth are that I can't control it or cure it. (and, I did not cause it). I accept that I am powerless to change him.

I try not to catastrophize- but at worst moments I think this will kill him or he will end up in jail. I struggle to imagine him ever having a normal life. I question how I will ever survive living like this until the day he dies.

Like you, I worry about my other children. My daughter will be so upset when she gets home. She was just beginning to let her guard down with him - believing him that he would stay sober.

I saw you describe your daughter as self centered- my son is also as are many addicts I have known. There must be some correlation there.

nano

Sorry Hopefulmom, I didn't mean to sound so defeatist in my last post... You can tell I am still wrestling with all of this.

How does the prayer go?? Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I feel certain that I will one day be in your position and I look forward to you being able to tell me, as others here have told you, that holding your line was the best thing you could have done for your son and he is now well and functioning on his own.

Keeping good thoughts for you.

HopefulmomtoD

Care to elaborate? I'm all for learning and growing.

Are you saying he's more self sufficient than I imagine?

I just compare him to my other children in maturity and his 15 year old brother is way ahead of him.

HopefulmomtoD

Nano,

Love the serenity prayer. I've been saying it all morning (and, like you, I am not religious.)

choublak

Ding ding ding!

WHY though? People (and that includes children) are all individuals. Stop this comparing stuff. AS is not his younger brother. Younger brother is not AS. And, where exactly are you getting this benchmark for "maturity"?

My mom used to compare me, not so much to my younger brother because I'm female, but to my female peers/classmates. It did NOT make me change and become more mature; it messed me up and made me hate myself for a long time. I spend a lot of time trying to "be" someone else, as in I would pick someone who was seen as "better" than me, I would become obsessed with that person, "study" them, and try to "be" them. I was, and still am, "immature" in some people's eyes, but I've accepted who I am and don't really care how I "measure up" to other females or whatever.

I can assure you, comparing your AS to his siblings or anyone else will do nothing but damage.

And, when I say "pattern", think about how you phrased what I quoted: AS is very childlike. He is very smart (which means he is smart enough to figure things out for himself if need be) but extremely immature, and you just can't imagine him making it. Your imagining him not making it is contributing to his extreme immaturity.

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks choublak ... and, I really hope you are correct. I think its that I can't help shake that there is something wrong with my AS. I know he battles depression, but I worry there are other mental things going on that make it harder for him. Aspberger's or high functioning autism? He is very socially introverted.


But, I know you are correct in that FEAR drives my decision making with him. I am scared to death he will die.

And, I don't really compare my children- I was just making the point of how immature he seems. But, point taken that all kids are different and mature at different rates.

Thanks again. You've given me things to think about.

choublak

I have ADHD and depression. I don't see that as being "something wrong" with me; rather I just see it as me. Part of the problem with these "mental things" is that they are seen as "bad" and "wrong" when in fact they should be "celebrated" more...i.e., yes I have mental issues and I'm proud of it; if I didn't have them I wouldn't be "me". My own mother, as much as I may still harbor a certain resentment toward her, she is a special ed teacher, and while she didn't easily identify me as being ADHD, she does have a certain healthy attitude toward children with Autism and the like, she thinks whatever issue the kid may have doesn't make them "wrong" or anything. And do you see alcoholism is being "something wrong" with your son? Alcoholism is not something to be ashamed of. And if your son's an alcoholic, someone else in your family probably is an alcoholic as well, because there is a genetic component: it shouldn't be that hard to "shake".

HopefulmomtoD

Choublak

Are you recovering? I'm sorry I don't know you story (not that it matters ... just for context).

I don't care if there is something different with my DS- I love him unconditionally. My point in saying there may be mental health issues- is wondering if we treat them the same? Should I use tough love on someone with more than addiction issues?

Plenty of alcoholism in our family trees- so no wondering about the where's, how's, etc.

I'm not thinking clearly today- but, if I'm reading you correctly, I should enforce my boundary of no drinking in the house and kick him out. And, most likely he's stronger and more mature than I think and should be treated the same despite depression and other issues?

Freedom1990

As the mother of a 34-year-old addict daughter, I empathize with your pain and worry. I also spent years making decisions based on both fear and guilt. The results were disastrous in the end.

As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic myself (22+ years), I can assure you that recovery is possible even with co-occurring mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder about 16 months into my recovery.

I am proactive in my recovery from alcoholism/addiction through a 12-step program, and reaching out to others in any way I can. I am proactive in my recovery from mental illness by using the resources available in the mental health community. I am in therapy on a continuing basis, and I see a psychiatrist for med checks regularly.

My parents were my best enablers for the 10 years I was out there using/drinking. They were just doing the best that they could with what they had at the time.

It wasn't until I was face down in the dirt with no one to pick me up that I finally hit a bottom. I cried out to God that day that I was tired and didn't want to live that way anymore. That was when the miracle began.

Sending you hugs of support!