EmmyG

I haven't posted on here in months, although I read this board pretty much nightly. The last time I was active was about eight months ago when my husband went on a huge drinking binge. I left as usual, and then came home after we did counseling and he made "changes." He never did go to meetings. His view is that as he's not dependent, he doesn't need recovery, he just needs to make good decisions.

He hasn't drank since the beginning of June. What did I do? I went right back into that stupid hopeful thinking mode. We got moved into a nice place, our 4-year-old is in a great preschool. We've been having tons of family time. E doesn't go out with the guys, just works and comes home. We've been getting along great.

He travels for work once a week. He told me last week that his boss invited him to dinner at his house. I immediately thought about his boss's wine collection. He told me of course he wouldn't have any. I believed him.

Last nigh he didn't call me like he usually does. I text him, no answer. Call a few times, no answer. This morning I wake up to a missed call from a weird number. It's an INMATE call line. I called the jail in the town he's in, and sure enough he's there. They said he's been there since last night and hasn't been booked yet. It's probably a drunk in public, hopefully not a DUI. That's the same town he got a drunk in public in in May, and the judge said if he stayed out of trouble for one year he'd keep a clean record. Guess that's not happening now.

I don't get it - if it's a "disease," why does he only do this a couple times a year, sometimes once a year? Does he really care that little about his boys? He works his behind off to give them a good life, so why does he just throw it out the window to have a drink?

The other day when I got weird about him going to this dinner, he said "there's nothing you can do or say that will affect decisions I make. I have to do it on my own." It must be the truth, because nothing I say matters.

Our boys love their daddy. They know how he is day-to-day. It seems like when I leave, he spirals downward. I know if we divorce, he'll be supportive. He will still be involved with them and he would only drink away from them.

I'm sick of thinking and talking about this. This has sucked up so much of my time. I thought I'd been happy over the last six months. We set the Christmas tree up last weekend and I cried because we were all sitting around the fire, happy and cozy. He's ruined Christmas.

laurie6781

Welcome Back.

Sorry you have had to come back but glad you remembered we are a safe haven.

Actually, what your AH has been doing is "White Knuckling" it. Alcoholism is a disease.
One never knows when it will rear its ugly head, and without one having some tools
they will once again go back to the binging and drinking.

Please do NOT bail him out. He has not ruined Christmas, you and your boys can still
have a really good Christmas. What he does is up to him.

I will tell you again as I did before, he is still young, you are still young. This will
progress, and those binges as times goes on will get closer and closer together. It
is a disease that progresses getting worse and worse, never better.

Maybe it is time for you to go to Alanon, and/or doing some private one on one
counseling for YOU. Children are sponges and your sons are going to start to see,
if they haven't already, from their father on how to treat a family. What they
are learning from him, is that they can do whatever they want, and the heck with
their children or their wife.

Please, get some help for you. You cannot help him. You can help you and your
boys.

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you are so hurt but addiction has nothing to do with his love for you or your boys. That took me a long time to understand. I took it all very personally too.

I wouldn't bail him out, he needs to feel his own consequences. "Maybe" now, he will realize he needs more help but only he can decide that. He has to want it and need it.

Decide what your boundaries are...not threats or ultimatums...and stick to them. Please keep reading, addiction is very cunning and baffling.

EmmyG

I'm definitely NOT bailing him out. He is 6 hours away anyway. Not going to drag my kids up there for him.

I've tried to deny that this isn't alcoholism and that it's not progressive, but for the first five years of our marriage he didn't get arrested. He's been picked up about four times in a one-year period now. Two were just drunk holds with no charges. Then that last one was a misdemeanor. Who knows what this one will be. He's been working on his soccer coaching license here in the US (he coached in England), but he can kiss that goodbye with a criminal record. He has a very profitable business too, but he's missing work today which is very bad for him. Sad.

kiwi1971

Does your husband know you come on this site? Perhaps your gift to him for Christmas is to share some of your pain and let him read some of the things that you have read. That would be a very sobering experience for a man.

LoveMeNow

It is very sad!! Just an FYI that I found shocking too!! 50% of children of an addict/alcoholic parent either become one or marry one. Time to educate yourself on the disease so you can educate your kids correctly! I failed miserably at that because I was so naive and ignorant.

LoveMeNow

IMO, This should be a safe haven for her and you to vent. I am she has told him face to face how she feels.

Again....nothing she says or does will fix him. Recovery is an inside job ONLY!!

Hopeworks

I would not do this either. There are plenty of places he can seek help and an active alcoholic is not going to get a "moment of clarity" reading his wife's posts on a website. Most likely it will cause conflict and misunderstanding.

Many posters have experienced so much trouble from the A reading the website they had to stop posting, change their names or just leave.

Not worth it.

EmmyG

I'm just torn because we been through so much and of course I love him. He works hard and he's been trying to be a good husband, surprising me with little gifts and watching the boys so I can get time to myself. He has been home every night, not drinking. Now he does this and we're back to square one. Do I give up on him? Anything he promises is absolutely meaningless at this point in the game.

LoveMeNow

Only you can answer that. Addiction is hard to live with under the best of circumstances, if such a thing exists.

I was once asked....can I truly accept that my husband is an addict? Although, he attends meetings, sees a therapist, etc. - there are still no guarantees that he won't relapse. Hard to build a future, own a home that requires his income too, make investments etc - with that risk. I have yet to answer that question with complete honesty. I try had to live in today and not worry about tomorrow but I am not always successful at it.

LifeRecovery

I am sorry for the reason you are back EmmyG.

You wrote a lot about him in the recent past with his alcohol behavior. May I ask you how you have been feeling this whole time? I struggled with similar feelings regardless of where he was in the binge pattern.

Maylie

I'm sorry that this has happened.

Sometimes it is even more hurtful when things seem to be back to "normal" and you are doing things like putting up a tree and being a family one day and the next you get a call from jail.

Christmas doesn't have to be ruined. Don't bail him out and try to just have fun with your children. You will still hurt, and it won't be the Christmas you imagined, but you can still have a safe christmas without any worries about him drinking.

I used to pray alot when things weren't going right or I needed strength and then I would feel bummed when I didn't get the "help" I asked for. One day my mom said "Maylie, sometimes God gives us the answers that we need. The help you recieve is what He feels you need, not necessarily what you think you need. That doesn't mean He isn't listening, it means he is telling you that you you're asking for the wrong things". My mom saying that opened my eyes to a lot of things. I'm sure I didn't remember it exactly how she said it , but it is something to think about.

hugs

Maylie

EmmyG

It's strange but I have been feeling mostly great. Like I said, alcohol is not an issue most of the time. We don't buy it or keep it in the house, he doesn't ever drink around me. We went to a close friend's wedding in October, and he was offered drinks and champagne but turned it down. We had a great night. During the week, he never comes home drunk. We usually just relax and hang out with the kids. He's taken up a few hobbies lately and he's been focusing on "family" activities. So I haven't worried about it much lately. But when I knew he'd been invited to this guy's house for dinner, I KNEW this would happen. I tried talking to him about it but he said not to worry. There's something about saying "I don't drink" to another male in a social setting that gets him every time. Maybe it won't ever change.

Talltrees

I'm so sorry.

Not bailing him out would probably serve him best, and you. Being in jail is a consequence for him, and consequences are the only hope for recovery. I would try to accept the situation and let it play out---the way he causes it to---not you. One important boundary for you might be to keep him out from under your roof until he begins a recovery program that is not based on his willpower.

As for your question, he throws his life out the window to have a drink because he has a disease. It is his responsibility to address it, not yours.

As for "There's nothing you can do or say that will affect decisions I make."--- Yes. When it comes to his drinking, that is true, because he has a disease. Sounds like he knows it.

I agree, you can still have a nice Christmas with your boys. It hurts them and it hurts you that he isn't there, but it also hurts you husband, and that, too, is a consequence that he needs to experience.

Love and prayers to you and your family.

dollydo

"Does your husband know you come on this site? Perhaps your gift to him for Christmas is to share some of your pain and let him read some of the things that you have read. That would be a very sobering experience for a man."

Oh boy, that's the last thing I would do. This is her safe haven. IMO would bring nothing but more grief.

As for him, let him stew. There are all kinds of addicts, he may be a binger, in any case, your children are being adversely affected by his addiction, they will carry their childhood into adulthood, they hear and see everything, although they internalize their fears.

Katiekate

(((((EmmyG))))))

You're not a fool, not at all.

You came back here and posted, good step there.

I hope you know we dont judge you, ya know, when I was going back I always fantasized that it would change and change for good. It always changed, just not for good.

Keep posting , we are here. hugs Katie

LifeRecovery

I deleted some of this, but for me the fear about the party was a lot. The talk before hand...I would get my hopes up, then be disappointed and angry when we had fallen into the same pattern. He would have remorse, feel bad and then months later we would be in the same place again. He drove drunk, punched and kicked things (not me), would get really angry etc. Sure it was only once every four to six months, but I always strugged with the when is it going to happen again.

For me this is what was hard about binge drinking...the unpredictablness of it. I think it would have taken me a long time to truly trust that part of it just because there was so many times that it looked okay and fine...for long stretches. I was always worried though about the "what if."

That was the part that was so hard for me. I also struggled with the question of did he have a disease....because it was not daily.

I still don't know if I get to call my exH an alcoholic, it is not really mine to decide. I do know his drinking impacted me, my life, and often our plans on more then one occasion, and it was not just when he had a beer in his hand.

What helped was me getting help so I got to come out of the cycle and start doing something different (instead of doing the same thing and expecting different results).

EmmyG

He's been officially booked into jail, and it's for DUI. The future is looking bleak because the legal problems are escalating. It seems he can't get drunk without also getting arrested...

PohsFriend

Do NOT invite him here, you need a plac to vent.

And take a deep breath. Yes alcoholism is progressive and yes it gets worse untreated but it is NOT true that it never gets better.

It gets better only once the alcoholic wants recovery badly. As you keep reading you will see each of us is dealing with some common issues and some distinct ones.

One size fits one.

As you soothe common threads you will begin to differentiate between the two and that makes it easier for me to know when I am dealing with my wife or dealing with the disease and it makes it easier to get past the fear and anger.

It ain't over yet. He has to choose to get well but you will learn how to be less affected and less overwhelmed Adams you will get better.

Hang in there