hexx

I have been reading the threads for some time and have finally decided to share my story. AH has been on a steady down hill slide for the past few years. We have been together for 7 years, 5 years ago we had a daughter and shortly after that his mom passed away. If it was the stress of having a child (though he did really well with my 9 year old son) but his drinking started to increase.

Lost jobs, fights, etc....2 years ago he lost a job and I told him I would support him to go back to school....lasted about 6 months and he quit. 1 year ago we decided it would be cheaper for him to stay home and home school the kids since I got promoted at work. He was only drinking at night at this point. Had a variety of family members move in and out of out of our home due to their various situation. Finally we had enough and everyone moved out so it was just us and the two kids again.

Fast forward to 6 months ago. I lost my job due to the stress at home. Been looking since then. He still hadn't been working (or looking). Things got really bad on the drinking front. All day, every day. He admits he has a problem, but doesn't believe in therapy due to previous bad experiences with therapists. Day after Thanksgiving he attempted suicide but changed his mind at the last minute.

When he is sober (which is a couple of hours a day), he would tell me how depressed he is, that the kids and I don't deserve this, that maybe we should go to a shelter and begs me to help him in a sobbing mess.

He drinks until he blacks out and then the monster comes out. He doesn't remember what he says (according to him), he makes up things to make me angry so I will fight with him, etc, etc....same story as most everyone else. He then tells me that I shouldn't be mad at him since he can't remember (of course, he tells me this when he is drunk...)


First verbal, then physical abuse started. Finally on the 4th, he grabbed me from behind and swung my head into the door frame so hard that he broke the cartilage in my ear and my arms are still bruised 12 days later. After more fighting (him leaving and then coming back), he started screaming at our 5 year old to F*** Off and told me to get out.

So I did. I took the kids and went to the police. I didn't know what else to do. I was done with the "get out, I didn't really mean it" game, no more playing chicken or waiting for me to call his bluff. I did it. I went.

Now he is in jail until the 27th. The kids and I are moving out of state in a couple of months. It's his house so he could kick me out if he wanted to once he gets out. The kids and I will go to the DV shelter until my relocation funds come in.

He had a fellow inmate's gf call me tonight because I am not able to accept collect calls on my phone. He wanted to know if me and the kids were ok, and that if I would give him another chance. I told her to tell him that we are ok, that we do love him, but he needs to get help before I can even consider anything.

I love him, more than I should given everything that has gone on (this is most certainly the shorten-condensed version of the past few years). So far, my plan is to take the kids out of state, start our lives over and see what happens.

I am just scared that I am making a rash decision. I have a serious case of the "what-ifs". What if this is the thing that makes him wake up and get help, what if we are on the cusp of having a great relationship again. Then there are the other "what-ifs"...what is next time he hits one of the kids. What if next time he puts me in the hospital, etc.

I just want him to get better so he can be the man he used to be. I don't know if that is possible though because of the amount of alcohol he has been drinking (when he was arrested, he had been drinking vodka for 15 hours and I not making that up or exaggerating.) He was able to go two weeks a few months ago without drinking (with the help of medication)....it was an amazing two weeks because the man I fell in love with was starting to come back...but like most he started feeling better and fell right back into the bottle.

I have never been single (got married to my first husband at 18 and I am now 35), let alone a single parent. I am so uncertain on everything, I am mourning what used to be and terrified of the future. I know I am dong the right thing, and that if this relationship is meant to be he will make the changes that are needed to make it work...but it is so hard...

BoxinRotz

I know you aren't fibbing on the 15 hours of vodka. My AH was on an 8 day nightmarish binge without the physical violence but he assaulted me verbally which is just as bad. UGH!

I don't know if you stay, if that it will be enough for him to hit his bottom. I would tell you to run, and run fast because he laid his hands on you and he maybe p!ssed once he gets out of jail! It's a nightmare, I know it is. I'm so sorry!

BlueSkies1

You have endured so much! But somehow after being so beaten down, you stood up for yourself and called the police. I am so happy for you that you did that. What horrible abuse. Please love yourself and want to be able to take care of and love your kids enough that you don't put yourself back into a position like that again.
Your H is going to need a long recovery program. Don't get taken in by words--they are extremely cheap sometimes--make firm boundaries for yourself that he will show through TIME a long time, a recovery program to ever be in a situation alone with you again in which he could hurt you.
I suggest you read up on abuse. It is cyclical. There is usually a few sorrys and tears and then a honeymoon period, and then it happens again. It happens again when women don't force a recovery period longer than the cycle, but take their abuser back during the cycle. You have to break that cycle, and the way to do it is to not give in and enter the honeymoon stage, but enforce strict boundaries in which he must prove himself over a long enough period of time. Also he must go to anger management and therapy, and on top of that prove his sobriety which usually is suggested to live apart for a year minimum. Also when a woman easily forgives abuse, it escalates that much more quickly.
I am not suggesting you ever take him back, please understand. I just don't want you to cave in to his current "sorry" which could last for as short as one minute after he gets out of jail.
I think you need a lawyer. Moving children out of state usually can't be done without the other parent's approval. It has to be approved through the courts unless you are very sure he won't object. You also probably own half of that house even if he bought it before you married him. You say it is his house--but once married, a man doesn't usually have dowry rights. Not that you want to live in it with him, but that it is a bargaining tool especially to help you move to another state.
I hope you and your kids can enjoy your holidays drama free, and safe.

dollydo

If you spend your life "What Iffing" you will never get anywhere. You have a good plan in place, follow it.

Children should never be raised in a home where addiction and verbal/physical abuse are present. If CPS were called the children could be be taken from you, I don't think losing the children is a risk I would want to take.

IMO it is important for women to learn how to be self sufficient, to live without a man, to come into being on and of their own.

The bottom line is...Do what is right for your children.

Katiekate

Honey, he is a mess, and for him to recover and get better it will be years, many years, and that is if he can get sober and work a program for years.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, for the safety of your children and yourself, run, don't walk.

The what if's are just that, what if's, they have no basis in reality, in this situation you need to deal with only what is right in front of you, a violent, abusive alcoholic who is in jail and has no recovery.

Your plan is a good one, let the people who are there to help you, help.

Please keep posting, we care about you and your children.

love to you and yours Katie

redatlanta

The "what if" game we play is usually focused on more positive "what ifs" like maybe this is it and he is going to change - though you do mention some of the negatives...

What if instead of breaking your cartilage he broke your skull
What if you died at the hands of an alcoholic black out
What if your children were left orphaned by you and in the care of an alcoholic abuser until he goes to jail for murder and then they are just orphans.


What if......you no longer had to fear for yourself and your children. What if your kids grew up in a loving home not filled with terror.

Katiekate is right - his recovery is many years in the making. You want to risk it as a 35 year old woman fine that's your choice. Your kids don't have a choice, you MUST look out for their best interests and he is not it! Read the stories on here of what happens to children raised in alcoholic homes - its devastating and it makes me so angry to think that no one looked out for them.

You are doing the right thing!!! You will be fine. I supported myself as a single woman until I was 43 - now I am 45. My RAH makes a good living but I make more and I wouldn't have it any other way with him or with any other man.

Sending prayers your way -

ShootingStar1

I am so sorry for your situation, and sending you hugs and strength.

The bad news about all of this is, the other posters here are right, you can't change him, you can't recover him, and you can't believe or trust him until he is recovered. The physical violence he has done is very bad, it is real, and if you go back with him, the chance is that it will escalate. That may mean your life and your children's lives are in danger. It really is that serious.

His remorse and intent to behave better aren't worth much now until he has a long track record of being able to live up to his best wishes for himself. What is true now is that he is volatile, violent, an alcoholic with blackouts who gives himself full permission to do whatever he wants because "he can't remember what he did, so it didn't happen". My husband did that too, and even named his "alter ego" and blamed everything bad on "that person". They need to integrate that capacity for violence and destruction into their awareness before they can be trusted to act from their best nature, their best intents. You can't trust him with your safety now.

The good news is that you CAN recover yourself. It may be scary and unknown, AND you can create a healthy happy life for you and your kids. It happens in steps, so all you have to do right now is take the next best step you can think of.

Seeing a lawyer or several lawyers- many of whom give free initial consultations - is probably the best place to start. You are married, and you have legal rights to probably at least half of the property, depending on your state laws. The Judge will not look kindly on his behavior, and it is certainly documented by the police and your medical records. I would anticipate that the legal system will be working in your favor.

Another next best step is to go to the local domestic violence people. If you don't know where they are, the police department can direct you. They can give you very specific advice about how to keep you all safe when your AH gets out of jail. Often, they have lawyers who work without charge to represent people in your situation.

It is possible that the lawyer can file motions so that the Judge will give temporary custody of both children to you, with no or only supervised visitation from your AH. And it is possible that that you can be given temporary sole use of the house, and a restraining order against your AH approaching you, your kids, or the house.

There was series of recent threads by a woman in your situation whose husband got very violent that might be useful for you to read. I'm blanking on her user name, but I'm sure I'll remember or someone else can you refer you to her posts and the SR advice which was very constructive. When you get her name, go to the Search function on the menu bar at the top of the page, and type her name in, and choose "all threads started". I believe you can also type in a subject like "domestic violence" or "violence".

I am much older than you, and my kids are grown, but I left my abusive AH in July after his alcoholic verbal abuse and porn abuse got unbearable. Now, 5 months out, I am only really beginning to understand how bad my situation was, and how suppressed my sense of self and my sense of survival had become.

In my case, my initial, and sometimes persistent impulses to downplay the extent of the abuse I had suffered, to take the blame on myself, to think I could fix it, were just plain wrong and unrealistic. I had to hear that over and over from people on this forum with more perspective before I could really begin to take it in, and think for myself. Essentially, I was brainwashed to believe that I was at fault.

And that wasn't true. My AH chose to drink, he chose to use porn, and he chose to justify himself by excoriating me as "worthless and driving him to drink". But, I didn't cause his drinking, I can not control it, and I cannot cure it. All I can do is change myself and not participate in his chaos and madness.

That has been very freeing. There is a book and website called "Repotting" (repotting.com) that my daughter gave me, and it is very upbeat and helpful. Instead of thinking that we've lost our lives and will be living in a disaster, it re-frames the whole issue. Using the metaphor of repotting a plant, it suggests that we have outgrown our current life container and have the opportunity to see what fits us better, and choose a new life where we have the room to grow and thrive. It's very refreshing, and though you don't need to address all this stuff right now, it adds some hope for the future to the mix.

So, take care of yourself, and even if you are in the throes of guilt and longing for your AH, trust the people about the seriousness of the abuse you've suffered and how to take care of yourself and your kids.

Come back often, we've got your back and we understand.

ShootingStar1

Lynnrae2

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Keep putting your kids first. Use your kids as your out. They are what matter the most. Anytime you have a what if question, think of your kids and how much better they will be growing up in a normal, alcohol free environment.

I hope you can stay strong. Keep posting and keep reading.........the people here give great advice!!!! God bless you!!!!!!

hexx

Thank you all so much for your advice. I grew up in an alcoholic family and made a promise to myself that I wasn't every going to let me children go through that. So much for that promise. I know all too well what it was like for me, and there was no physical abuse.

I have checked with several different agencies, including the states attorney's office regarding leaving the state with my kids. They are actually the ones paying for the relocation (it's a service provided in the state that I live). I have also checked with DCF (or CPS in most other areas) and I have the green light to take them since I am getting them away from an abusive environment.

And I know I can't live "what if" land. The reality is I need to keep my kids safe. I need to keep me safe. It just breaks my heart though sometimes.

FireSprite

Yes!! Your kids HAVE to be your #1 priority, they have no choices about their lives & rely on you to be their advocate & voice. And keeping yourself healthy & safe is just as much for them as it is for you - you need to be as strong as possible to be there for them.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but congrats on taking off the blinders & putting you & your kids first. That step can be so, so intimidating & scary. Keep reading, there is so much information & support here at SR!

JMFburns

hexx,

Don't know if you're thinking of going 'no contact' or whatever. But you can take care of yourself and your kids by moving and getting to safety now. Make your new sane and safe life.

If your husband were to go through recovery, get and stay sober, work a recovery program, get and keep a job - basically turn over a new leaf and become "a new person" there is nothing that says you can't reunite with him when enough time has passed (1 or more years).

You are just being smart and taking care of yourself and your kids now!

hexx

Also, I am going through the DV services in my area as well. I have been trying to get the kids into counseling but I am fighting with Medicaid at this point (which will hopefully be resolved this week). As soon as that is resolved then I can get my daughter to the doctor for a school physical and maybe get her into a VPK program so she is not in the house all of the time.

I just wish I could stay angry at him. I wish I didn't care so much. I learned in dealing with my parents and their drinking that I don't hate the person, I hate what the drinking does to them. Add in his obvious issues with depression and it's a perfect storm.

I know I can do this. I also wish that things would stop breaking around here so I didn't have "one more thing to deal with"...like the dryer going out (it just blows cold air now), or the belt going out on the vacuum. Little things that just seem so huge right now. Luckily, I know how to replace the belt on the vacuum, I strung a line up in the back yard to help dry the clothes.

And yes, dealing with the alter ego made me question my sanity some days. He would say that I was being mean and nasty and I knew that I wasn't, or that all of my reasons for being upset about the drinking were just a "straw-man argument", and that I never wanted to talk about any of the problems (that was my favorite, he would be in the middle of screaming at me telling me that I didn't want to discuss things. When I would tell him that I did, he would argue with me that I didn't and I was using him being drunk as a "convenient excuse"--that was his favorite saying...."well, isn't that convenient for you".

It just amazes me how much he changed. It's been like living with a stranger for the longest time....

thislonelygirl

He hasnt gotten out of jail yet so he has no choice to not drink ...the real challenge and the real eye opener will be what he does once hes out. More than likely if you are tgere when he gets out there is no effect family wise to what his drinkimg has done and nothing would have changed. He would be back home in the same life and you in the same mess.
He needs to feel the pain of his addiction and to help himself. He cant do that with you tgere. Hard I know but you have already done so much. See it all the way through and you wont be sad you did.
As for what ifs....
What if you stayed and nothing changed can you live woth the way things were or knowing that the opportunity more so now to open his eyes has gone and passed?
You are being strong for you your kids and him.

hexx

My very good friend went through something similar. Her therapist asked her a question and it is a very good one: Are you ok with the life that you have? My answer to that is "no". I am the only one that can change things, and that is what I have to stick to. No matter what my fear says (and it is so very loud at times), I have to see this through. I do not have a choice.

CPS has already said that if I let him come home right after jail they will start looking at me for putting the kids back into an unsafe situation. It kind of gives me an out right there.

I have a "no contact" order in place via the courts right now (not an injunction for protection-my victims advocate via the States Attrny Office says I can try, but since it is his first documented offense it's unlikely that I will be able to get it). The "no contact" is kind of a pain though since I can't tell him "Look, I am taking care of the kids and we are all fine, we are moving to a new house we can afford (the mortgage here is 4 months behind) just go focus on yourself", since many times he told me that he wanted to go on a road trip to go "find himself again" but that he was too worried about me and the kids. Or there wasn't enough money, etc. Maybe this will give him the opportunity to do that.

All I know is I need to see this through.

Sorry if I am rambling, I'm sure I sound schizophrenic right now. There is just so much in me that needs to get out and it's all fighting to be first.

hexx

@Shootstar1-yeah, there is the whole porn thing, too. He has enough porn to make Hugh Heffner blush. The last 6 months I couldn't even get him to look at me let alone anything else because his depression was so bad. I was reading through his facebook message about two days after his arrest. About a year ago he started to "aggressively flirt" with a female co-worker (when he was working that is), asking her how high up on her F*** List he was, etc. He also send her a ton of naked pictures of his ex girlfriend since she is bisexaul so they could talk about how hot she was. He also told her that I was ok with all of it...I can tell you all that I was certainly NOT ok with that. He told her that just because he was married didn't mean that he was not available, just very very hard to obtain. All messages between them stopped in July, but I have a hard time believing that there isn't more. I don't think that there is anything wrong with thinking someone is hot, but comparing lists of people you would like to sleep with at work is not ok with me. Sad thing is, I had to ask some of my guy friends if that was normal because he has got me so twisted up.

Katiekate

(((((((((((Hexx)))))))))))

I'm so sorry you have been so hurt.

You are on your way to a new and more peaceful life.

We will support you in any way we can.

Big hug to you, Katie

PohsFriend

Hexx,
So sorry you are going through this.

There were 100 things that made me wince when I read this, there is one part that makes the rest become background noise. He slammed your head into a doorframe. Let me put that another way HE SLAMMED YOUR HEAD INTO A DOORFRAME.

Alcoholism and violence are both progressive, especially in the same brain. Thats not a slap or rough treatment, that is a potentially life threatening situation. Had the angle been slightly different so that It was your temple three inches away slamming into a doorframe the likelihood of a depressed skull fracture would be significant, those tend to cause death.

He could be the poster boy for turning your life around five years from now, if you are dead that won't help you.

Remember that when the what ifs start.

The other thing is screaming at a five year old. A chaotic, screaming environment with verbal abuse gives kids bruises that last decades, not days.

It's time to get out and start over. Forget what he does for now. If two years from now he is an alter boy then he can call you then, right now safety is above all considerations

hexx

@PohsFriend- You are right. I am 5'3", he is 6'6"...and although he was very intoxicated, I couldn't get away from him before he did what he did. He had me in a grip so tight that I still have bruises on my arms.

Like most victims, I down play what has happened (in my own head) and that is something that I need to work on. I feel like I am trapped in one of those horrible "Lifetime" movies. DV doesn't happen to me, it happens to someone else...but here I am, still bruised and just now realizing that i was way more affected then I thought I was. I have discovered that I can't be in a room with the door closed, and I freak out if anyone (even my daughter) tried to touch the back of my head. So yes, it could have been much worse and I am really lucky that it wasn't. Usually it was a slap or a shove, it was a deliberate act to seriously hurt me. That is what keeps me from drowning in the "what-if" pool.

And yes, yelling at our daughter and charging into her room (thank god I was in there already) is what made me finally pull the trigger and get us out. Him hitting on me and screaming at me is one thing....him even acting like he is going to after one of my kids is a whole other matter. I am dealing with the fall out of that now, since my daughter thinks it is ok to hit and scream (which we talk about on a daily basis how it most certainly is no ok). I also found out that my son had been sleeping with a knife under his bed for who knows how long because of everything. Those are the things that keep me on my path and tell the tiny "what-if" voice in my head to shut up.