thislonelygirl

Normal and boring yup. Calm and relaxing yup hopeful and healthy yup.
These are all things that will only happen by your choice or by the choice she makes.
Is she going to aa?
Is she willing to go to rehab?
Has she been open and honest with herself?
Has she spoken to a doctor?
Has she voiced willingness to change?
Has she made changes to help combat addiction?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself
And then ask yourself if you believe the pain of staying is better than the pain of going?
And if tjings I will change or if to make them change you need too?
Without her willingness to better herself ...things will stay the same unless you have the willingness to put your foot down for you.
Have you set boundaries?
Have you read up on alcoholism and co dependancy?
Best luck

Recovering2

Unhappy1, I get what you're saying. I was you 5 months ago. Living with a man I loved who was blacking out most of the time. Pleading, cajoling, begging him to get help. Thankfully, I connected with a great counselor who has a specialty in addiction. He helped me to detach from the behaviors, to allow my AB to make his own decisions regarding his addiction and the natural consequences. I had to learn to focus on me. I can't change him, but I can decide what I will accept and what I won't in my life. It has nothing to do with love.

Addiction involves the mid-brain which is our primitive survival center. I learned a great lesson in counseling. Reptiles only have a mid-brain. They have no compassion, no love. Their decisions are survival based, there is no "free will". When we ask "how can this person do this to me?"...they're not. It isn't conscious. The part of the brain affected by the disease is in disconnect from the part of the brain that has rational thought, compassion, etc. They will violate any boundary to get to their DOC. If untreated...it is a fatal disease.

Once I got that, I let him choose his path and I chose mine. I detached from his behavior (really really hard to do). I stopped counting bottles, stopped looking, stopped hiding his car keys. So when he finally got in a car accident (wasn't hurt), and friends confronted then left him, he felt the walls closing in. No consequence....No change. He is currently in treatment, and I am praying for his success. But it's his decision.

I wanted nothing to do with AlAnon. Didn't want to hear whining, I was already feeling down enough. Also a little annoyed that I had to do all this when I didn't have the disease. But I took my counselor's advice, and agreed to go to 6 meetings before throwing in the towel. What I found was a room full of non-judgemental, accepting people. They understood my "crazy" self, they'd all been there. I wasn't required to participate, I could just listen. Every meeting offered me some pearl. The collective experience and wisdom in the room helped educate and support me. You owe it to yourself to at least try, but that is my opinion.

I'm glad you found this site. I hope you realize we support you, whatever choices are right for you.

Seren

Hello Unhappy1 and welcome,

As you can see, you are not alone in your struggle.

I think many of us began by not wanting anyone to know what was going on in our world. It was all just too embarrassing to talk about. Many of us have not only felt responsible for the drinking of a loved one, but we have been told flat out that we are to blame--but we are not.

Unless you are holding a gun to your wife's head and forcing her to drink until she is drunk each time....you are not responsible for her drinking. She chose the way in which she decided to cope with stress. In this economy, many, many people have lost jobs and fancy homes, but have not turned to drink.

None of us here can tell you what you 'should' do. We have no magic words you can say to your wife to get her to stop drinking. But we can share with you what has and has not worked for us and hopefully, something we share will resonate with you.

One thing I have learned on my own and by reading these forums over the years is that no amount of talking, begging, pleading, tears, threatening, or ultimatums will get an alcoholic to seek recovery. Only when the pain of the consequences is greater than the pain of living without alcohol will the alcoholic truly begin to consider making changes for themselves. It is totally an inside job.

Please make yourself at home here. Read all you can and post to vent or ask questions whenever you need. Welcome! HG

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain you're in is almost unbearable. Like many codependents I lived in denial for years. What you want isn't going to happen and there is nothing you can say or do that will change that. Alanon helped me cut through the denial and finally see reality. It cut through my rationalization. I learned that what I called love was really need. It taught me that the only life I can save is my own. It will work for you too.

Unhappy1

Please don't think I am not appreciative of all your comments. As I think you all can tell I'm not a big bearer of my soul type guy. I have started to do things on my own (although it's not very fun and I hate it) . I still get fuming mad when I come home to drunkenness and I let her know it! Everyone is saying the same thing here so I guess there is nothing I can do to help her. That goes against my very nature. I have always been a "helper" to everyone. I can't wait to get through the holidays (I hate all the drama). Plus the weather sucks and I can't really do the things I want to do anyway. (Golf and Fish). I guess I'm coming along. Baby steps

CentralOhioDad

I wouldn't "let her know it" - she already knows it. And when you "let her know it", in her mind you are being abusive, controlling, mean, unreasonable, unsympathetic, unloving. etc. And guess where that leads? Yep, she belives she can then drink MORE to help her drown her unhappiness of living with such a meanie.

Go about your own business, and let her go about hers. I know, it's hard - I totally understand that. But it's what you need to do. If kicking her out or you leaving is what you need to do, then do that. Don't kill yourself trying to save someone who does not want to be saved.

Good Luck,
C-OH Dad

JMFburns

Unhappy,

You can sit at home with your drunk wife and try to convince her to stop drinking and be like she used to be (sober). But you've already said you've tried that and it hasn't worked.

Or, you can go out and live your life. Fish, golf, make friends, do things with your family, even go to an AlAnon meeting and meet the best group of people you'll ever know - some groups go out for coffee or a meal afterwards - socializing! Leave your drunk wife at home and let her be - either she'll change or she won't, but you won't have wasted your life sitting at home with her wishing for something that is out of your control to make happen.

I wish you the best of life.

OhBoy

I was never a big bear my soul to the world kind of guy either. I figured it's my problem why burden others with it, I should be able to handle it. After all I am "fix it" kind of guy. That is good & bad for me. Bad because I tried for many years to fix her. I logically laid out the problem & possible solutions, got angry, got more patient, screamed, cried, yelled, thought about, ignored it ......................... It all had the same result. I became MISERABLE! I also made her more miserable. Everything I did in the end made things worse. Maybe it was better for a little while but it eventually blew up in my face. As each thing failed, I became tired, lonely, angry, miserable life was for me............Unmanageable.

So the good part about the need to fix things? I learned to fix myself. What gave me noticeable results was fixing my reactions. I know what it is like to come home to a drunk wife (together 18 years). I know what it is like to have a drunk wife stumble through the door. I know the anger. After a while I realized the anger did nothing for me but make me angry! I don't like being stuck in that place. I felt trapped, after all nothing I did worked. When I started to change my reactions, I started to feel a change. I wasn't feeling as trapped, I could see other paths. I wasn't as angry, I could smile & laugh again. I remember one evening watching a movie & something funny happened & I laughed out loud. Even with AW passed out on the couch in plain site, her drunkenness staring me in the face, I LAUGHED! I was stopped dead in my tracks. It was strange. Normal people don't take notice of laugh, but for me at that point it was very foreign.

I tried not to get angry when she was drunk. The thing is, she was going to get drunk whether I was happy or angry. That's what alcoholics do, they drink! What I DID was get angry. But what I started to DO was make myself as happy as I could. Sometimes all I could do for happiness was walk the edge of being miserable. But that was enough. It was BETTER. I would try to do things for myself. At first it was difficult to get myself to do it, but in time & practice it became easier & more enjoyable. She hated it of course! How dare I find joy in life! My job was to be miserable & to contribute to her misery thus giving her even more justification to her drinking. I got tired of that job. I got plain wore down to a nub!

Baby steps. That's what it takes sometimes. I had to "make steps" to get myself feeling better. For me I couldn't get it done in one fell swoop. I kept telling myself that I would take the next step to feel better. Do the next best thing I could for myself & slowly I felt a change. Over time I felt like I could handle the crap that landed on my doorstep. I allowed the crap to be crap & not crap on everything that wasn't crap! (sorry for the crappy description!!!!) It started to snowball & creep into everyday life, changing my attitude by changing my reactions.

Awareness of her disease was a step. I read a lot about alcoholism. I could understand that things she did were the disease, not the woman I fell in love with. that helped my reactions. It didn't help her drinking, but it helped me. It's a process. A slow & sometimes painful one but for me it was much less painful than dealing with it the way I was. Alanon has helped me a great deal. I had to get to the point where EVERYTHING in my life was unmanageable to walk through the doors. I don't miss that feeling. She HATED that I was going to "my little meetings", but the hell I got from her by going paled in comparison to the quality of life I was gaining BY going.

Sorry you are going through this. I know what it is like.