I broke up with him today
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I broke up with him today
We have been physically separate since August because he couldn't come to Canada with me because of a DUI, so it has been a long distance "relationship" since. He is staying with his cousin and has been terribly moody. For each friendly conversation, we probably had three that ended badly (usually with one hanging up on the other).
Today I spent the morning at the vet with my two dogs. The little one had a bad back a while, which was treated with anti-inflammatories and strict exercise restriction. He was fine for a while since, but yesterday he seemed to have pain again. My other one has had a few seizures since I adopted her, but has had a few too many for comfort lately. So the vet checked them out, is running tests, put the little one on meds, etc. The bill came to $600 which hurts in my current financial situation, but it is what it is. On the way back from the vet, she had another seizure, so I was generally upset and worried when I got home.
In the mailbox was the mail he sent me (my mail gets forwarded to him for now). It was very important mail and he knew that. It took so long because he had not put the unit # on there. I remember asking him about it a few days ago and he insisted he did. Next I see a few bills that were opened (the rest of the mail was unopened). It was the last water bill from our last apartment (I thought it would be deducted from our deposit, so I didn't have it on my radar). The first bill was from August, the last one from September telling me that they would turn it over to collections soon. WTH? He opened the bills and tossed them aside. No thought about my credit or other repercussions this might have. I just don't get it. How can someone be so careless? There was another letter from DMV and the other day I asked him if he opened it to make sure they sent what I need. He said yes yes, it's in there. It was unopened and there was no way to tell. I called and told him that I am upset and just don't understand how he can be so careless (and outright lie!). All I ever get is "it's so hard I have no money, I am sleeping on a couch, quack quack quack." While I was crying and telling him about the dogs and that I am worried and upset with him, he hung up on me. I stopped for a few minutes, then called him back and left him a message on his machine that I can't do this anymore and need to end this.
And just to remind me of why:
- he never took care of me when I needed him. I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we met and he keeps talking about how he took care of me then. He didn't do any more than friends of mine did who don't brag about it. When I needed money to pay the rent while he was living with me for free, he didn't step up and I ended up asking my parents.
-he got drunk when my sister visited with her kids although we had numerous conversations that the kids really needed a break from the alcoholism in their life and that I wanted to give them a stellar vacation. He got drunk and raged, went into the room where there were sleeping and rambled, etc. He smoothed it over the next day (so convincing, it's scary) and they still had a stellar vacation. I have never forgiven him for that.
-he got smashed twice while were driving across country. He just ran into random people and went drinking with them while I was alone in the motel room with the dogs. Then he came back and ended up peeing the bed and/or the floor.
- apart from losing jobs because of his drinking, getting a DUI, passing out in the hallway, getting into serious fights, etc. etc. etc., he has also insulted me, cussed me out, spit me in the face, all the while scaring the dogs who cowered in the corner (I feel so guilty about that) etc. He was always apologetic the next day and I was sucked in over and over again.
- over the years I have incurred enough debt to buy a fancy car because I always supported him.
He sounds like a monster and he can be. I can't use his PTSD and very troubled past as an excuse anymore.
I hope this helps to remind me when my resolve weakens (because I know it will). It means that I will spend Christmas alone with my dogs, but it also means that I can spend the money budgeted for the trip on their health (and chocolate). For tonight, I stocked up on ice cream and chocolate.
Sorry, this was long!
Today I spent the morning at the vet with my two dogs. The little one had a bad back a while, which was treated with anti-inflammatories and strict exercise restriction. He was fine for a while since, but yesterday he seemed to have pain again. My other one has had a few seizures since I adopted her, but has had a few too many for comfort lately. So the vet checked them out, is running tests, put the little one on meds, etc. The bill came to $600 which hurts in my current financial situation, but it is what it is. On the way back from the vet, she had another seizure, so I was generally upset and worried when I got home.
In the mailbox was the mail he sent me (my mail gets forwarded to him for now). It was very important mail and he knew that. It took so long because he had not put the unit # on there. I remember asking him about it a few days ago and he insisted he did. Next I see a few bills that were opened (the rest of the mail was unopened). It was the last water bill from our last apartment (I thought it would be deducted from our deposit, so I didn't have it on my radar). The first bill was from August, the last one from September telling me that they would turn it over to collections soon. WTH? He opened the bills and tossed them aside. No thought about my credit or other repercussions this might have. I just don't get it. How can someone be so careless? There was another letter from DMV and the other day I asked him if he opened it to make sure they sent what I need. He said yes yes, it's in there. It was unopened and there was no way to tell. I called and told him that I am upset and just don't understand how he can be so careless (and outright lie!). All I ever get is "it's so hard I have no money, I am sleeping on a couch, quack quack quack." While I was crying and telling him about the dogs and that I am worried and upset with him, he hung up on me. I stopped for a few minutes, then called him back and left him a message on his machine that I can't do this anymore and need to end this.
And just to remind me of why:
- he never took care of me when I needed him. I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we met and he keeps talking about how he took care of me then. He didn't do any more than friends of mine did who don't brag about it. When I needed money to pay the rent while he was living with me for free, he didn't step up and I ended up asking my parents.
-he got drunk when my sister visited with her kids although we had numerous conversations that the kids really needed a break from the alcoholism in their life and that I wanted to give them a stellar vacation. He got drunk and raged, went into the room where there were sleeping and rambled, etc. He smoothed it over the next day (so convincing, it's scary) and they still had a stellar vacation. I have never forgiven him for that.
-he got smashed twice while were driving across country. He just ran into random people and went drinking with them while I was alone in the motel room with the dogs. Then he came back and ended up peeing the bed and/or the floor.
- apart from losing jobs because of his drinking, getting a DUI, passing out in the hallway, getting into serious fights, etc. etc. etc., he has also insulted me, cussed me out, spit me in the face, all the while scaring the dogs who cowered in the corner (I feel so guilty about that) etc. He was always apologetic the next day and I was sucked in over and over again.
- over the years I have incurred enough debt to buy a fancy car because I always supported him.
He sounds like a monster and he can be. I can't use his PTSD and very troubled past as an excuse anymore.
I hope this helps to remind me when my resolve weakens (because I know it will). It means that I will spend Christmas alone with my dogs, but it also means that I can spend the money budgeted for the trip on their health (and chocolate). For tonight, I stocked up on ice cream and chocolate.
Sorry, this was long!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
This carelessness with my mail was not even close to the worst things he has done, but it was a last straw for some reason. I realized that I am on my own anyway, that with him I constantly have to put out fires, and that I have been avoiding him anyway over the past few months.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Very hard to have sick pets, when my dog got salmonella poising last year while I was with my ex-abf and he just didn’t care. His had out was for money for his beer but yet I had a 500.00 bill and a dog that the vet did not think would make it. I didn’t sleep for nights keeping ice packs on her and feeding her by hand. He was so incentive and yet I stayed another year, and I love my dog. I was lucky she pulled through. I hope your guys start feeling better.
Maybe being in another place that he cannot get to might help you focus on what you need. I wish you tons of caring positive times ahead and it can only get better right?
Maybe being in another place that he cannot get to might help you focus on what you need. I wish you tons of caring positive times ahead and it can only get better right?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Stay strong indeed and take care of your babies and yourself. My greyhound started having seizures and we put him on phenobarbitol and it is inexpensive and has really cut back on the seizures. I am sending you hugs and courage and love- you can do this and have great holidays- you deserve a lot better and you will find it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thanks everyone! He has not contacted me since I left the message. He probably thinks "let her calm down" because that's usually how things were...
ShootingStar1, thank you! I am determined to stay strong even if it's rough at times. I do feel very lonely. And yes, it makes a big difference that he is not here and can't come here. There is no "you have to move out" - "no I won't, it's my home, too (while not paying for ANYTHING)." He is with his family, so I don't even have to worry about him. Not that that should be a concern, but it's a reality and it helps to not have to struggle with being worried.
lovesunandsnow, I am so happy to hear your pup pulled through! It's so agonizing to see them suffer in any way.
Redheadsusie, the vet said that she wants to put her on meds if she has one (or more) seizure a week. I am hoping right now that we won't have to, but it's good to know that phenobarbitol works for your dog. Does it make him more lethargic? That's the one thing I worry about because I don't want her to gain weight. She had a broken femur when she was brought to the shelter. It has been professionally repaired, but I don't want her to have to strain it more than necessary with additional weight (she already LOVES to eat!).
I don't understand how he can hear that I spent $600 at the vet and not want to know why. You don't normally spent that kind of money on young dogs (2 and 3 years old). He does love them, so it saddens me that he is so self-absorbed. When the girl had her first seizure, he grabbed her and took her to the car. At the vet's office he noticed he wasn't wearing any shoes and he was crying because he was so worried. But that's the hard part - that he IS a lovely person underneath all that addiction and compulsion to feed it. I have to remind myself, however, that with the good comes the horrible.
The dogs have had a good weekend. No seizures over the last two days and significantly less pain for the little one. Paws crossed!
ShootingStar1, thank you! I am determined to stay strong even if it's rough at times. I do feel very lonely. And yes, it makes a big difference that he is not here and can't come here. There is no "you have to move out" - "no I won't, it's my home, too (while not paying for ANYTHING)." He is with his family, so I don't even have to worry about him. Not that that should be a concern, but it's a reality and it helps to not have to struggle with being worried.
lovesunandsnow, I am so happy to hear your pup pulled through! It's so agonizing to see them suffer in any way.
Redheadsusie, the vet said that she wants to put her on meds if she has one (or more) seizure a week. I am hoping right now that we won't have to, but it's good to know that phenobarbitol works for your dog. Does it make him more lethargic? That's the one thing I worry about because I don't want her to gain weight. She had a broken femur when she was brought to the shelter. It has been professionally repaired, but I don't want her to have to strain it more than necessary with additional weight (she already LOVES to eat!).
I don't understand how he can hear that I spent $600 at the vet and not want to know why. You don't normally spent that kind of money on young dogs (2 and 3 years old). He does love them, so it saddens me that he is so self-absorbed. When the girl had her first seizure, he grabbed her and took her to the car. At the vet's office he noticed he wasn't wearing any shoes and he was crying because he was so worried. But that's the hard part - that he IS a lovely person underneath all that addiction and compulsion to feed it. I have to remind myself, however, that with the good comes the horrible.
The dogs have had a good weekend. No seizures over the last two days and significantly less pain for the little one. Paws crossed!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Sounds like a good decision to me... hopefully the fact that you have been living apart for a while now will make it easier on both of you. Having conversations that always seem to end badly is for sure not a good sign. As for me, I was accused by axbf of "sitting around on my ass all day" once and I hung up on the phone on him. I know that's rude but he was an abusive jerk. I need to keep reminding myself of why I'm glad he's gone!
Better times ahead for us both, I hope!
Better times ahead for us both, I hope!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
dollydo, I moved from the U.S. to Canada and USPS doesn't forward mail to Canada. But I have received all important mail now and changed all addresses with banks and such directly. Unfortunately it also turned out that he failed to return cable and modem equipment to the provide when we moved, which now costs me $330. Dealing with the cable company was the only thing he was ever in charge of, but of course it was in my name and I paid for it. I am trying to convince myself that it's the last drop in the roughly 22k bucket of debt I went into because of him. I will eventually forgive myself for wasting all that money I hope...at least I save the money for the trip to seem him for Christmas...
Ziggy, I have hung up on him plenty of times, too, and of course from his perspective it's equally rude. But I never did when we had important things to discuss and I never would without finding about what's wrong with the dogs. I did call him about the cable equipment yesterday and when after a few hours it turned out he hadn't called our old apartment management and I told him to forget, I will do it (rather than having to follow up with him). He then wrote an email how it's not fair that I am mad and raging when he did try to call them (which he might have). I sent an email back telling him that I am (well, was yesterday) raging mad that he just left the equipment there and that I have to pick up the tab, that I am tired of paying and paying and paying, etc. It was a vent and it shut him up, which is good.
This was pretty much the last thing we had to discuss. I have settled all bills I still had in the U.S. and our finances are not enmeshed otherwise.
Ziggy, I have hung up on him plenty of times, too, and of course from his perspective it's equally rude. But I never did when we had important things to discuss and I never would without finding about what's wrong with the dogs. I did call him about the cable equipment yesterday and when after a few hours it turned out he hadn't called our old apartment management and I told him to forget, I will do it (rather than having to follow up with him). He then wrote an email how it's not fair that I am mad and raging when he did try to call them (which he might have). I sent an email back telling him that I am (well, was yesterday) raging mad that he just left the equipment there and that I have to pick up the tab, that I am tired of paying and paying and paying, etc. It was a vent and it shut him up, which is good.
This was pretty much the last thing we had to discuss. I have settled all bills I still had in the U.S. and our finances are not enmeshed otherwise.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Good for you, Kimmieh - it's a hard path, and you are trucking right on.
As for your dog's broken femur, I don't know if it is the same with animals, but I had osteoporosis and broke metatarsal bones in my feet a number of times. Each time I got the X-Ray of the new fracture, it showed that the previous fracture had healed much stronger and thicker than it originally was. So let's hope its the same with your pet.
Take care,
ShootingStar1
As for your dog's broken femur, I don't know if it is the same with animals, but I had osteoporosis and broke metatarsal bones in my feet a number of times. Each time I got the X-Ray of the new fracture, it showed that the previous fracture had healed much stronger and thicker than it originally was. So let's hope its the same with your pet.
Take care,
ShootingStar1
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