lorena

Hi there.

I'm new to this forum, after having been a regular and grateful member of Al-anon for nearly a year. My husband is an active alcoholic and we have two beautiful, young children together (a 2.5 and a 4.5 year old). I didn't realise my husband was an alcoholic until after we'd had the kids. I was in complete denial.

My husband is a 'functioning' alcoholic, and is able to work. AH admits he's an alcoholic, although isn't really interested in working the program, and says he finds meetings 'uninspiring', although I know there have been several times he's said that, when he's actually been out drinking instead of actually being at the meeting.

My heart says that it loves the AH, but my priority is raising happy, healthy children, and not completely losing my sense of self in the process.

I don't want to 'accept away' all my own needs, like having a partner who is emotionally and physically available, having a calm lifestyle, a consistent partner, a co-parent, an 'equal' in our relationship, to hold on to this ideal situation of having the parents still together, family intact.

It is becoming clear to me, though, that even though my (very) bad attitudes were negatively impacting my AH and our family unit as a whole, my own healthier change in Al-anon has not inspired my husband to find his own sobriety, and after a year of getting our heads around alcoholism and how it's working in our family, I have to admit that my husband may never stop drinking. And even though I can usually manage to find some calm in the chaos, it still unnerves me, and I feel that's a natural reaction to living with my pretty unbalanced AH. Knowing that's how I feel, I understand to some extent how on edge my children must be feeling on a day to day basis.

My question here, and my reason for posting, is:

Is anyone here living or has lived through raising their children with an actively alcoholic spouse and managed to feel positive about the experience as a whole?

I would be very interested in hearing your stories and whether, if you had your time again, if you would stay or if you would go.

Many thanks for reading.

Live

Hi, Lorena,

welcome. so sorry for the reason that brings you here. I think all here feel pretty strongly that raising children in an active alcoholic environment is quite damaging to them with long term repercussions.

Please make yourself at home, read around...others wiser than I will be along shortly.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will stick around and read some of our stories. At the top of this main page are some Sticky Posts, aka the stickies. They are older permanent posts that contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

I do not have experience with staying in a relationship with active alcoholism. Once my eyes were opened to the unacceptable behavior my children and I were accepting, I began to make an exit strategy.

There are some members who are currently living with active alcoholism and they may be along to share soon. I would like to point out that a majority of the active members are here because the alcoholic drama has reached a climax. The family members are hurting and reaching out for support. Once they begin to work on their personal recovery journeys, their participation may become less frequent. They move onto acceptance and only check in occasionally.

When I was living with active alcoholism, I followed the steps outlined in one of our sticky posts. Here is a link to the article that really helped my situation: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

GettingBy

Hi Lorena and Welcome to SR!

I tried everything I could to keep my family unit in tact and under one roof. I bent and contorted myself every which way I could to detach from my husband's drinking and unacceptable behavior. I simply couldn't bear the thought of separating the family up.

However, I got to a point where it hit me just how UNHEALTHY the situation was for my children (ages 5 and 4 at the time). They had front row seats to all sorts of unacceptable behavior. They witnessed Daddy treating Mommy quite deplorably. They started to treat me the same way - they were learning, quite efficiently, what they were seeing. 4-5 years in that setting was NOT good for them.

The situation escalated to the point that I could no longer deny the dysfunction we were living in. And when the pain of staying finally outweighed the pain of leaving... I finally packed up and walked out with my children.

The transition was not easy but it was, without a doubt, the best decision I have ever made. My children and I now living in a smaller, cozy, sane HOME. We are kind, gentle and respectful to each other. We laugh and cry freely - we are allowed to feel our feelings, what every they may be. We work through our struggles. We love. It's amazing.

I am sad over the loss of my marriage; however, I know that I did all that I could within my control. I couldn't sacrifice anymore of myself - and my XAH simply wasn't willing to do the hard work to get sober. Setting him free to live life on his own terms was the only responsible choice left to make.

One piece of advice that really reasonated with me when I was in the thick of it was...

"Better to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home." Living with an active alcoholic can and will ONLY be a broken home - no matter how hard the non-alcoholic works their own recovery program.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

Lulu39

Hi Lorena

I tried to keep the family "intact" but that was just a lie. When I could see my kids were walking on eggshells - saying and doing whatever they thought would make Daddy happy and not an angry raging drunk was when I decided I couldn't fake "our family" any longer because he WAS NOT PRESENT in our family! He was always drunk or drug affected.

I should have left him years ago, the first time my 6 year old spoke to me like he was drunky daddy. I tried to help the kids get it. I talked to them regularly and often about speaking to and treating other people respectfully and the way we would like to be treated. Thankfully, they are not so damaged, they are able to do this.

I talked to them about how their father was a drug and alcohol addict and that when he behaved like THAT it wasn't normal behavior. I told them point blank that normal people do not start drinking at 11am on a Saturday and Sunday just because they can and that normal daddies DO NOT smoke pot almost in front of their children and then give lectures to their children on how pot is "excellent, safe and just a herb, man".

I hope they understand that their father's behavior is not acceptable and not normal. They still love him, of course. They still choose to spend time with him (when he can be bothered).

I have never seen or known of a healthy family where one parent is an active addict. I tried to fake it and it almost killed me.

Janitw

Ditto to what Getting By said....I could not have said any better...

Xune

I can add this;

I am the husband addicted to alcohol and have now been sober five months.

I can tell you that had I continued drinking, things would not have gotten better, only worse.

My drinking came before my wife, kids, job and life. ( With sober eyes, I am just absolutely blown away by this realization.)

I was considered a functional alcoholic ( I don't use the term alcoholic, I was alcohol dependent.) but I know I was not functional in any way.

I was a drunk, I was addicted to booze and I only appeared to function, as in reality my life, behaviour and demeanour were all a complete gong show...only those around me ( other than my wife) weren't paying close enough attention. There is no question, that given enough time, I would have gotten into serious trouble with the law, my life and job.

The only way things had any chance of getting better, was for me to stop drinking.

I surrendered to alcohol on July 4th 2012. I cannot drink alcohol, will not drink alcohol and will not have another drink for the rest of my life.

I had to make a choice, alcohol or my family / life.

I chose my family. Having caused a lot of damage in my marriage, I've a lot of work to do in repairing the wreckage and rebuilding trust.

My drinking would have destroyed me, ruined my marriage, likely taken my job and messed my kids up.

That is unacceptable to me.

Best of luck to you.

Xune

You've absolutely nailed it and have succinctly expressed the truth.

It all comes down to what choices the addict will make.

The drug or their family.

I've told my wife, should I ever start drinking again, I will have made it clear that I've chosen alcohol over my family.

In that case, I've suggested she leave me immediately and commence divorce proceedings.

I do not want, nor deserve a second chance.

I have made my decision.