AbbyL

Hi everyone!
Its been a while since I posted. I've been kind of sinking into a depression again and isolating myself which is my usual pattern of dealing with my husband's drinking. I had written a month ago about my husband drinking after being sober 2 months. It was a one night thing I guess and he seemed to be remorseful and get back on track with AA and everything so I was hopeful. He went back to drinking this past Thursday and now again today. I'm just crushed. I'm trying to set boundaries for myself and our 2 children but I don't really know how to enforce them. My big one is that he is not allowed around us when he has been drinking. After seeing him get arrested for beating his brother a few months ago, I'm nervous now, I'd never seen him violent before so it was an eyeopener. Hes never been violent with me but I can't take any chances with myself and our son and daughter. He gave me his keys to the house and when he was sober told me that if he ever drinks then don't let him back in. I will not be letting him in tonight. I plan on shutting my phone off when we go to bed. This is just all so nuts to me. When he goes out and gets drunk I immediately think "ok, this is it, its time for us to leave him," but I never do. I want to but I don't know if I'm ready. I don't want to leave and be thinking that if he gets sober for a certain amount of time then maybe we'll come back. I want to leave and move on with my life, whether hes drinking or not, I wish I could just be done with it all. I feel different every day. I want to feel good about leaving but I don't think I would. Do you just know when its time to go?

marie1960

As long as you continue to accept his unacceptable behavior you will stay.....

Like yourself, the months turned to years...... A little voice was telling me everyday, enough is enough, yet I had so much faith and hope that he could turn his life around.

And one day that little voice in my head got LOUD, and it simply screamed I"M DONE. NO MORE. And I was done......

It's never easy, but it sure beats the hell out of living on the crazytrain.

I do believe when you have had enough, you just know.

Sending you strength and support.

Loveblossom79

well. I'm a bit of a hypocrite here since i'm considering taking him back, but I felt the same way you do...and I made the same concessions with him (I told him no drinking around us, no drinking in the house, you have to tell me if you around going to drink so I can keep my daughter safe...they go on and on...and he broke them all!). My final moment was him drunk as hell screaming in my face to give him his car keys...my daughter sobbing as I ushered her to her room...on her birthday. I considered ending things so many times before that night, and I never thought it would ever be that bad...that quickly. I guess we all have our "rock bottom" moments that make us walk away too, just like alcoholics need one to stop drinking.

grammyb

For most of us, it's a very slow process. There comes a point when your being can no longer deal with the lies, the chaos, the loneliness , the financial impact, the anger, the moodiness, etc. you no longer want to live the life your in. It's not easy to say "I've had enough" but there comes a time when you know that you need to survive also.

dollydo

When there are children involved, the sooner you are ready to leave, the better it will be for your children. They will carry their childhood into adulthood, a child should never live in a home where addiction is present.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs which can be accessed at the top of this page. Also, do some research on the net about children who are raised in the home of an addict, it is a real eye opener.

Kassie2

HI,

I find that everyone has their own timing. I believe that we have the choice to make that decision for ourselves or the universe (and others) will make it for me. Usually I like making my own decisions as I have more control over the outcome. I hate "surprises" which spur me to managing reactions vs decisions.

It was a very slow process for me where I set up small points of decision making like:" when such and such happens" or " when I feel this way for X number of days/weeks/months".

My XAH used to give me ultimatums and threatened to leave me if I didn't do what he wanted. I learned that he wasn't leaving but it took courage to find that out for myself. My first decision to leave was to give myself a year to put some things in place - as the timing got closer and he waffled a lot with sobreity- I set the date a few more months away. Eventually I said with each turbulent and outrageous episode "the next one" and finally I did put him out.

Then came the ups and downs of separation/sobreity etc and again I set a time line. Eventually his ism's played out over again and I cut him off completely. His response was to move forward without me which then became a threat to my financial picture and security so I let go. This turned out to be only a few months prior to his total destruction that would have pulled me down with him.

I remain grateful to the support here which helped me to sort things out and take action in my own timing.

My advice is to set small goals and make certain you are building some security/peace for yourself and the kids.

m1k3

For me it wasn't a decision. My wife pulled a 5 day black out binge of booze and Ambien, after that I had to leave and I hadn't even considered leaving before then. It was even something I needed to think about, I HAD to leave and that was that.

Your friend,

fluffyflea

[


Yes you will know. When are sick and tired of being sick and tired.



QUOTE=AbbyL;3699392]Hi everyone!
Its been a while since I posted. I've been kind of sinking into a depression again and isolating myself which is my usual pattern of dealing with my husband's drinking. I had written a month ago about my husband drinking after being sober 2 months. It was a one night thing I guess and he seemed to be remorseful and get back on track with AA and everything so I was hopeful. He went back to drinking this past Thursday and now again today. I'm just crushed. I'm trying to set boundaries for myself and our 2 children but I don't really know how to enforce them. My big one is that he is not allowed around us when he has been drinking. After seeing him get arrested for beating his brother a few months ago, I'm nervous now, I'd never seen him violent before so it was an eyeopener. Hes never been violent with me but I can't take any chances with myself and our son and daughter. He gave me his keys to the house and when he was sober told me that if he ever drinks then don't let him back in. I will not be letting him in tonight. I plan on shutting my phone off when we go to bed. This is just all so nuts to me. When he goes out and gets drunk I immediately think "ok, this is it, its time for us to leave him," but I never do. I want to but I don't know if I'm ready. I don't want to leave and be thinking that if he gets sober for a certain amount of time then maybe we'll come back. I want to leave and move on with my life, whether hes drinking or not, I wish I could just be done with it all. I feel different every day. I want to feel good about leaving but I don't think I would. Do you just know when its time to go?[/QUOTE]

mdkathy62

Good morning AbbyL,

Thank you for sharing. I was not married to my XABF, but I "knew" it was time to leave when he stepped on a boundary I never even considered was a boundary--he stole from my parents, which hurt them a lot. In my mind, I had listed a lot of boundaries, but never listed my family because I didn't think it had to be listed. I thought, he would never cross that boundary so why bother listing it? But he did.

We all have different tolerance levels and, in my experience, I believe the longer we stay with an alcoholic, the higher our tolerance levels are. It's not bad or wrong if you continue to stay because we've all been there. In hindsight, I'm sure most people will tell you that if they knew then what they knew now, they would've left a long time ago. Truth is, life doesn't work that way, but when you reach that point, I'm pretty sure you will know without a doubt that it is time to leave, that you've given it your all, and there's nothing else you can do.

Stay strong and keep coming back!

redatlanta

There has been a lot posted this week or really this month about spouses living with their AH or AW with children in the home. I read and it makes my stomach turn because

I Don't Get IT. I don't get it I don't get it.

I am sure there are people that read my story and wonder why am I sticking around and dealing with my AH. I have my reasons, you have yours. I am a 45 year old woman, without children. My decisions affect ME and no one else and I am smart enough and stupid enough to deal with them. But at the end of the day I can leave, or stay, or kick him out, or move to Alaska. I can do whatever I want.

I completely understand your turmoil about deciding to leave for you but What about the children? What is their choice? Why is it so difficult to decide to protect them and raise them in a home without fear and chaos?

I read Dollydo's post a lot I like them she sugar coats nothing - as do the other people that were raised in homes with alcoholics - its awful to read what they went through not only as children but how it affected and affects their lives as adults.

I don't walk in your shoes, I never will, I won't ever have children that time has passed for me. I do empathize as I do with every person dealing with an A. I hope last night went by with some peace and not a pissed of AH banging on the front door.

MsPINKAcres

My suggestion is one I will share with you - that was given to me . . .

Imagine that beautiful daughter of yours or your handsome son - grown into loving adults, living in the same chaos you live in every day - that their partner in life makes the same choices that your AH makes, treats them as your AH treats you, that your daughter or son feels like you do in your relationship . . .

What would you want them to do? Would this relationship be good enough for them?

Well the hard part is - we are teaching our children what is acceptable in a relationship. We are letting them know it is accepting to be lied to, disrespected, treated as less than, and not given the full attention a partner deserves ~ because that is what the disease does to a relationship ~

This is just my perspective & what I learned in working with my sponsor when it was time to look at my relationship with an active alcoholic/addict. FOR ME, I decided I wanted to teach my daughters, we ALL deserved something more. I truly wish I would have done it much sooner for them ~ maybe their relationships would be better today.

Just my e, s, & h - please take what you feel may help you & leave the rest

Pink hugs,

ZiggyB

For me it came after a really big fight that left me crying for 3 days... but I wouldn't recommend doing that.

I realized I loved him but I couldn't put up with his mood swings, argumentative behavior and lying anymore. I think my a. had other issues in addition to drinking though, possibly NPD or bi-polar disorder.

Florence

My advise, take it or leave it: Take small steps so that when that door opens you can walk through it. Get a free consultation with a lawyer so you know what your rights are, stash away a few hundred dollars in cash along with an overnight bag of clothes. If you have a passport and birth certificates for your kids, get those too.

He sounds like he might be willing to leave under some circumstances and you don't have to dash out in the night. If that's so, at what point are you willing to change the locks on the house?

Set some boundaries for yourself, things you don't have to tell him about: that if he gets violent or threatening, you *will call the police* and let him deal with the consequences. That if he drinks and drives, you will call the police and let him deal with the consequences.

Take the small steps. Then, if you find yourself in a moment where that light goes on you're ready.

The truth is that for me, the time to go was before we got married, on our honeymoon when he disappeared, when I discovered the bottles hidden in bookcases, when he cheated on me, when he relapsed after our daughter was born, when I was left alone with an infant, when he fraudulently collected unemployment, when the state asked for every penny back. I mean really, there were so many dealbreakers I can't list them. But I had to deal with them like they were dealbreakers. Nothing changes until it changes. You give yourself permission to leave him.

Cyranoak

...the question really is, IMHO, once you know it's time to leave how do you get the gumption to do it? I knew it was time to leave way before I finally did.

Take care,

Cyranoak

AbbyL

Thank you all so much for your replies. The night went pretty much as I expected. He had the car, driving drunk so I once again called the police to let them know his license plate number and the places he hangs out so they can be on the lookout for him. I do it every time he goes to the bars. He crashed his car into a telephone pole a few months back and all I could think about was what if that was a person? Since that day, I call every time. They probably get sick of hearing from me but I feel like I have to at least do something. He hasn't been caught yet drunk driving but I figure if I keep calling every time hes doing it and they're on the look out for him then its only a matter of time. I think the problem is, he goes to like 20 different bars so I never know exactly which one hes in. Anyway, he came home at midnight demanding I let him in. I was in bed, trying to sleep, I shut my phone off. He started throwing his shoes at the windows I just ignored him and eventually I guess he fell asleep in the yard. I feel really mean sometimes treating my husband this way but I don't know what else to do anymore. If I let him in then I'm just giving into him once again and I can't do it. He was apologetic and crying again this morning, making promises he knows he can't keep. I'm keeping the house keys, I've hid them all, which is really pathetic but if hes drinking I will not let him in this house. I don't know why I was so optimistic that he could stop drinking, its just such a huge disappointment. I'm done with expectations. I know that we can't live this way. He isn't the same person that I married now and thats the hardest thing for me to deal with. He is not the man that I thought I was going to raise a family with and hes definitely not the kind of father the kids deserve. Its such a shame. I appreciate you all sharing your stories with me. I really love to read this forum, its depressing and scary and hopeful all at the same time. I wish there could be a happy ending for my husband and I but I don't think there will be.

BtheChange

I am so glad you stuck to your boundary--reading that made my night--you are so strong! It must have been hard, but I agree that it was the right thing to do. You are right, he isn't the same person you married. My soon to be ex AH isn't either. It is a very sad realization, and it's a loss that I grieve as if he had died. Sometimes I wonder why he has changed--maybe it's all the damage to the frontal lobe caused by the heavy drinking, maybe it's how late-stage alcoholism looks from the outside, or maybe that's just who he was all along but he was able to turn on the charm for me, who knows? All I know is that it is absolutely who he is now and there's nothing I (or anyone) can do about it. That guy who I married would want me to take care of myself and our kids no matter what.

My children (8, 4, and 2) and I left our home after I had filed for divorce and asked him to leave and he refused. I couldn't bear to live with the anger, moodiness, and lying another week, so we moved in with my parents; luckily they are close by so my 8 yo can remain in the same school and activities. Prior to leaving, we spent everything we had on rehab for my AH so I will have to rebuild our lives from nothing. Even if he moves out per terms of the divorce, we will probably lose the house, as I can't afford the mortgage on my own and I have no idea if AH will be able to hold down his job.

Even though it's only been a matter of weeks since we've moved out, and even though we've lost our home and savings, I can already say that the peacefulness is WONDERFUL. I thought I was holding it all together pretty well, and doing a good job with my kids, but once I got out, I realized how much time and energy I was wasting on my AH. All that energy should have been spent listening to, laughing with, and playing with my kids. I have so many more sweet, calm, gentle moments with my children now. I'm a mother, so I know how incredibly capable I can be when I need to be. I figure I'm just going to be really tired for the next few years working and caring for 3 kids on my own, but I just have to trust that deep well of love will give me the energy and strength I need, when I really need it. Is there really any other way to live life?

I hope you are able to keep your AH out of your home as well. If you have a tendency toward depression and isolation, it might be a good idea to start seeing a counselor or therapist. I have just started that and it's been great. I don't like to dwell on the negative when talking with friends and family, so in times of stress I tend to isolate myself too. Seeing a therapist keeps the focus on me and I hope it will help me rebuild a healthy life for myself and the kids.

Whether or not there's a happy ending for your husband, you owe it to yourself, your kids, and the man he was when you married, to do everything you can to have a happy life for you and the children.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way!

Titanic

Abuse and addiction. The odds aren't good. Here is a thread where many told their stories about how and when they knew it was time or even overtime: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...does-fare.html

Have you gone to Al-Anon meetings? If not, please consider going to at least six meetings; try different groups. It will help You in and through all this.

All the best to you and your family in this trying time.

TakingCharge999

How do you know when its time to go?

When you can feel more love & compassion from total strangers over the Internet than what you are getting from the one that supposedly "loves you".

When you listen to your heart, identify your needs, ponder whether they are being met.

When you realize what you are afraid of -loneliness- is something you are already experiencing, so it can't possibly get worse.

When you realize life was not meant for you to suffer.