where to start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 18
where to start?
Today I got my husband to check into a sober living center. It's his first time trying to get sober. He has ten days of detox and then begins his treatments. What can i expect to happen? How do you help support someone trying to get clean? I've spent the last 12 years pulling him out of bars, worrying about him driving drunk, cleaning up the DUI messes, i'm not even sure what to do with myself. Any tips on how to help him get threw this, and process all the anger from the years of drunken, violent, lying behavior at the same time? He spent so many years hiding the drinking from everyone, very well, no one knows where he is and he dose not want any friends or family to know.
Any tips on how to start and help his recovery be a success would be really appreciated, since no family or friends are involved, I'm not sure who to ask or where to start.
Any tips on how to start and help his recovery be a success would be really appreciated, since no family or friends are involved, I'm not sure who to ask or where to start.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Amisi, Welcome to SR.....I'm so very glad to hear that your husband has decided to enter rehab! I hope that he will grad hold of recovery with both hands!!
The thing is....there is nothing you can do. There was never anything you could do. All of the worrying, the work, the nagging, the begging, the pleading, the ultimatums. Never worked before, right? Cleaning up after him and all the messes he has made has just served to allow him to continue his drinking without feeling any of the consequences. It's a little something we call enabling.
Your husband is now in good hands. He has the time to himself to focus on his recovery. Now is your time to focus on you. Please make yourself at home here. Read all the threads you can and learn about this thing called alcoholism. Many members here have also found a great deal of strength and comfort in attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings (AA is for the alcoholic, Al-Anon for the friends and family).
I'm sorry for the reason you had to find this place, but glad you are here!
The thing is....there is nothing you can do. There was never anything you could do. All of the worrying, the work, the nagging, the begging, the pleading, the ultimatums. Never worked before, right? Cleaning up after him and all the messes he has made has just served to allow him to continue his drinking without feeling any of the consequences. It's a little something we call enabling.
Your husband is now in good hands. He has the time to himself to focus on his recovery. Now is your time to focus on you. Please make yourself at home here. Read all the threads you can and learn about this thing called alcoholism. Many members here have also found a great deal of strength and comfort in attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings (AA is for the alcoholic, Al-Anon for the friends and family).
I'm sorry for the reason you had to find this place, but glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 18
I can't even imagine being ready to go to an alanon or any type of meeting yet. I've never really discussed his drinking with anyone. I just keep a few friends around that have no idea what goes on, and really don't know my husband, because it's to draining trying to come up with stories about his behavior or why they can't ever come over to my house. It's always just been easier to avoid the explanations and avoid the conversations. The idea of talking about it to people in person is one I'm just not ready for yet.
I'm just so used to it being me and him, and basically babysitting a grown man all the time because really, how do you explain to friends where all the holes in the walls and doors come from?
I'm just so used to it being me and him, and basically babysitting a grown man all the time because really, how do you explain to friends where all the holes in the walls and doors come from?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
Amisi:
When you click your mouse on someone's screen name in a post in the upper left hand corner, you will be able to read other posts by that person. Read some of my other posts, most of your questions will be answered.
Their is no such thing as treatment. The treatment is the 12 steps. One does not get well and work the steps, one works the steps and gets well.
Question #1 What is your sponsors name & phone number.????..........If he cannot immediately produce that for you something is wrong.
Question #2 What step does he have you working on??
Question # 3 How many meetings does he have you attending every week( personally I require the people I sponsor to do 1 a day for the first year) but not everyone is the same.
Chronological advancement is a notoriously inaccurate borometer of emotional maturity. Just because the calender says he's 42, if he started to drink alcoholically at 17.................he's 17, ..........get it.
THE TRUTH!.........
Be very careful of the advise given to you on this forum. This paticular section (Friends & Family) is ok, but in the newcomers sections alot of people are sitting there telling people they're sober w/a mouse in 1 hand and a Budweiser in the other........................Your husband is a very, very sick man. .....................However, it is not sympathy, get out of jail passes, good intentions, and make nice that will get him to recover. It's honesty, willingness, accountability, and a belief in God, and the willingness to take direction from a competent sponsor.
Get used to saying the following sentence to him:
..........."You can't save your face and your ass at the same time"...............
When you click your mouse on someone's screen name in a post in the upper left hand corner, you will be able to read other posts by that person. Read some of my other posts, most of your questions will be answered.
He has ten days of detox and then begins his treatments.
I'm not sure who to ask or where to start.
Question #2 What step does he have you working on??
Question # 3 How many meetings does he have you attending every week( personally I require the people I sponsor to do 1 a day for the first year) but not everyone is the same.
and basically babysitting a grown man all the time because really
how do you explain to friends where all the holes in the walls and doors come from?
Be very careful of the advise given to you on this forum. This paticular section (Friends & Family) is ok, but in the newcomers sections alot of people are sitting there telling people they're sober w/a mouse in 1 hand and a Budweiser in the other........................Your husband is a very, very sick man. .....................However, it is not sympathy, get out of jail passes, good intentions, and make nice that will get him to recover. It's honesty, willingness, accountability, and a belief in God, and the willingness to take direction from a competent sponsor.
Get used to saying the following sentence to him:
..........."You can't save your face and your ass at the same time"...............
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome to SR Amisi!
Alcoholism is a disease of the family. His disease has spread to you - you have become his caretaker. The lying and deception has also spread to you - you have to lie to cover up for him to "protect" him. As you learn more about alcoholism you will find out that your behavior is considered codependent and enabling and is harmful not only to your husband's recovery but very harmful to you as well.
I also did not want to go to Al Anon when I got on SR back in October. I didn't see it as something I needed, didn't think I was codependent and also didn't see why I needed help - I wasn't the alcoholic. I went not for me, but to see if I could find the answers as to why my AH was drinking again after 10 years sober and what I could do to stop it. I found my answers there and on here which boiled down to he wasn't in active recovery and I could do nothing to stop it - but I could make changes in myself and behavior that were contributing to an unhealthy relationship.
Al anon and SR have changed my life for the better.
Anyway for the time being read as much as you can on here - the more you understand about the disease the better equipped you will be for your future.
Alcoholism is a disease of the family. His disease has spread to you - you have become his caretaker. The lying and deception has also spread to you - you have to lie to cover up for him to "protect" him. As you learn more about alcoholism you will find out that your behavior is considered codependent and enabling and is harmful not only to your husband's recovery but very harmful to you as well.
I also did not want to go to Al Anon when I got on SR back in October. I didn't see it as something I needed, didn't think I was codependent and also didn't see why I needed help - I wasn't the alcoholic. I went not for me, but to see if I could find the answers as to why my AH was drinking again after 10 years sober and what I could do to stop it. I found my answers there and on here which boiled down to he wasn't in active recovery and I could do nothing to stop it - but I could make changes in myself and behavior that were contributing to an unhealthy relationship.
Al anon and SR have changed my life for the better.
Anyway for the time being read as much as you can on here - the more you understand about the disease the better equipped you will be for your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 18
Their is no such thing as treatment. The treatment is the 12 steps. One does not get well and work the steps, one works the steps and gets well.
Question #1 What is your sponsors name & phone number.????..........If he cannot immediately produce that for you something is wrong.
Question #2 What step does he have you working on??
Question # 3 How many meetings does he have you attending every week( personally I require the people I sponsor to do 1 a day for the first year) but not everyone is the same.
perhaps the word treatment was incorrect, apology's. He does not have a sponsor till hes out of detox, that part is done at a different center. They rehab center won't start the steps till hes off the detox medication. He will be doing the step program, along with therapy, counselling, and a wellness program for nutrition and yoga. For the first two months he meets four times a week for three hours. After that there is another evaluation to decide how to handle follow up care.
Question #1 What is your sponsors name & phone number.????..........If he cannot immediately produce that for you something is wrong.
Question #2 What step does he have you working on??
Question # 3 How many meetings does he have you attending every week( personally I require the people I sponsor to do 1 a day for the first year) but not everyone is the same.
perhaps the word treatment was incorrect, apology's. He does not have a sponsor till hes out of detox, that part is done at a different center. They rehab center won't start the steps till hes off the detox medication. He will be doing the step program, along with therapy, counselling, and a wellness program for nutrition and yoga. For the first two months he meets four times a week for three hours. After that there is another evaluation to decide how to handle follow up care.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Alcoholism thrives in secrecy...family and friends being 'too embarrassed' to talk about. Believe me, we all understand that.
You are 'talking' to us, and I hope that you don't find it embarrassing. I can assure you that your story is no different than the stories of the more than 109,000 members of this site.
Many of us when we first went to an Al-anon meeting could do nothing but sit through the entire meeting and cry. Sometimes...for several meetings. The people in Al-Anon are sometimes the same folks you see posting to this forum. We have ALL been there, done that.
I hope that you will come to understand that it is OK for you to take care of yourself, to provide for your needs and work toward your own peace and joy! You are worth it....and believe me, your husband is exactly where he needs to be right now.
You are 'talking' to us, and I hope that you don't find it embarrassing. I can assure you that your story is no different than the stories of the more than 109,000 members of this site.
Many of us when we first went to an Al-anon meeting could do nothing but sit through the entire meeting and cry. Sometimes...for several meetings. The people in Al-Anon are sometimes the same folks you see posting to this forum. We have ALL been there, done that.
I hope that you will come to understand that it is OK for you to take care of yourself, to provide for your needs and work toward your own peace and joy! You are worth it....and believe me, your husband is exactly where he needs to be right now.
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