Anon12

My XABF's DUI case has been postponed again until Feb. I have ended my insurance policy and sent them his details so they can contact him about the outcome rather than me being dragged into it (he drove whilst on my insurance and had an accident).

I texted him today to let him know the insurance policy was ending and I would not be updating the insurance company anymore - that was his job.

His text back was so upbeat and sorted, it threw me for a bit. He was polite, articulate, told me he'd been to court twice and the police and prosecution service still had not presented or shared any evidence so his lawyers were looking to get the case thrown out. Ended text saying he hoped all well with me and 'take great care of yourself!'

I know a court case doesn't get postponed repeatedly without any reason - it would have been thrown out by now if there was no case so I guess it could have been bravado but it was so breezy and upbeat, it made me feel like he's got out of this break up unscathed. I am a mess, crying, reflecting, missing him and he's all cheery and fine. He texted me just a week ago asking how I was, signed off with a kiss and now this detached, polite message and cheesy sign off. Huh? SEriously?

Just wondered if this will ever sink in? Or if he feels free as a bird whereas I'm left with £3k debt and a car I can't sell, the wrong side of 35 with nothing to show for. Just doesn't seem fair.

Tuffgirl

Just think - he's an alcoholic. He's already been scathed repeatedly. He has to carry that monkey on his back for the rest of his life.

You get to go on and find a more healthy relationship, one that meets your needs now and in the future. He is destined to dysfunction as long as he refuses to deal with his alcoholism.

Remember, alcoholics work hard on their facade. As long as he "sounds right" he thinks he's fine. But you know what a hot mess he is underneath that facade.

shawty80

in my experience, my xabf has always felt like sh*t after our break-ups. and he's NOT good at hiding it...from anyone. i would guess your xabf is simply lying to you and himself about his current emotional state.

Rosiepetal

It feels like my xabf came out unscathed cause he went straight to another women!
I hope that deep down somewhere he does know that the drinking caused our breakup even though he tried to blame the failure on me but while he's got a new enabler why would he even think about it?
As Tuffgirl said though, they're still alcoholics & we get to move on to something more deserving.
Hugs to you.

Justfor1

He could of been drunk when he sent you the text. While under the influence alcoholics do not feel much pain.

ZiggyB

I think often times they appear unscathed because they drink their way through every problem including the ending of relationships...

choublak

It may look that way, but later in life they may have regrets.

Anon12

Thanks for everyone's comments - I think it was maybe a good thing to get that text as I've been feeling miserable and in a way the 'upbeat' tone however fake made me realise I don't want to be the one crying, feeling sad while he moves on. That would be a waste.

Even if he is putting on a front, which is more than likely, i am done feeling like cr@p. im ready to feel positive and need to move on. I really don't want to be defined by this experience. I want to be a success story like others I have read here.

Thanks everyone for being patient with me. Progress not perfection...

Chickadees

Thanks for posting this Anon. I have been struggling this weekend about the same issue, although not about the 'break up' in particular. It really bugs me that my XA seems to get out of every mess he creates seemingly unscathed and with no consequences. I have to remind myself that he is still an A and that I have a good life with choices to make about how I will go forward.

Cheers,
Chick

alole

I think guys just do this to mess with our heads. They want us to act crazy and be mad. They can't stand it if we move on faster than them. Eventually they will crash, and beg us to be back.

LifeRecovery

I have to remember that often the alcohol is used to numb the feelings that are being experienced. Not that they are not there, but that they are often drinking them away.

That helped me to see how healthy it was to feel them...even when it was yucky feelings I was feeling.

DoubleBarrel

If by unscathed you mean continuing to damage their mind body and soul by denying their emotions, guilt, shame, and self loathing deep down, then this alcoholic is guilty as charged.
By running off and avoiding responsibility while the people and places get worse and more dangerous, and you are dying a little more each day, yes.

Recovering now, but yeah. It's not so scott free on the other side, the reckoning is a bitch.

Take good care of yourself. Alcoholics are merciless when it comes to doing the same.