Well, THAT hurts...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Well, THAT hurts...
XAH has got to almost every single one of my friends. Busy, busy, busy little drunkybee.
The godmother of my kids, someone I thought was my closest friend - WRONG! They are picking sides and they are picking him.
If I'd let him stay and he stabbed me to death in another of his drunken rampages I suppose they'd all still be there enabling him. Poor little kingbaby.
And I'm the b*tch from hell. All I did was say NO to being abused by an addict.
Today is white ribbon day - say NO to abuse of women. I am an abused woman. No-one except ME gives a flying f*ck about me. No-one.
You don't need black eyes and bruises on the outside to be abused. Maybe I should have not ducked all those times he was off his face and went for me.
The godmother of my kids, someone I thought was my closest friend - WRONG! They are picking sides and they are picking him.
If I'd let him stay and he stabbed me to death in another of his drunken rampages I suppose they'd all still be there enabling him. Poor little kingbaby.
And I'm the b*tch from hell. All I did was say NO to being abused by an addict.
Today is white ribbon day - say NO to abuse of women. I am an abused woman. No-one except ME gives a flying f*ck about me. No-one.
You don't need black eyes and bruises on the outside to be abused. Maybe I should have not ducked all those times he was off his face and went for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
I'm sorry. It's sucks that alcoholics are so good a presenting themselves as the mistreated partner. It's part of the alcoholic song and dance show. I tell myself that those people just needed more proof of the alcoholic's alcoholism than I did. It's time to find new friends.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry he got to you. You know the truth, they do not. 1987, i went through the same bs. I felt betrayed and never explained my side of the story. But xhusband dropped dead from drinking, i'm still alive and reasonably sane, happy and have moved on. Our only child finally understands what an idiot he was, selfish and entitled.
Me, it doesnt matter anymore, new true friends can be made, you just get on with your life.
Me, it doesnt matter anymore, new true friends can be made, you just get on with your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Been there, done that. My 1st H was extremely abusive. Thought he got away with it. People believed it was 'not that bad' and that I was "an emotional wreck". Time ALWAYS reveals the truth. He got remarried some years later...she had to flee, get multiple restraining orders, he violated them etc. SAME as when with me. Everyone who did not believe me back then, believe now. I survived that time by walking away from those people and establishing a new life. I didn't and still don't need people who don't really KNOW me and know that I would never lie in my life--ever. Hang in there. The truth will come out. Just take care of you and leave the rest of them to find out they were/are wrong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
I'm going through some of this now. AH are slick, manipulative and wonderful quackers.. He drinks because he can't stand being married to me etc etc etc. I've been married and part of this family for 36 years. I've decided to take the high road. Deep in my soul, despite my enabling and my mistakes, I'm a good person and so are you. The light will come on for them someday. It's lonely now but it won't be that way forever. We will have a new wonderful life and they'll be no looking back. Stay strong...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I second what keepingmyjoy posted!!
My XAH ran around bad mouthing me to everyone. People will believe what they are told until they see or hear different... And in time, the truth was revealed. My XAH was telling everyone that I left because I was an unstable w$&re an was shacking up with some "guy."
One year later... Still no "guy" in my life... And I'm the one who has made a loving stable home for our children! Meanwhile, he's lived in 4 different places in 6 months and is now moving in with another woman and her childre. - 40 minutes away from his own kids. Many of our "friends" have apologized to me and said things like, "I get it now! You made the right decision!"
Do NOT engage or react. Hold your head high. You know the TRUTH and that's what matters. Be a good person and mother for your children and life will reward you deeply.
My XAH ran around bad mouthing me to everyone. People will believe what they are told until they see or hear different... And in time, the truth was revealed. My XAH was telling everyone that I left because I was an unstable w$&re an was shacking up with some "guy."
One year later... Still no "guy" in my life... And I'm the one who has made a loving stable home for our children! Meanwhile, he's lived in 4 different places in 6 months and is now moving in with another woman and her childre. - 40 minutes away from his own kids. Many of our "friends" have apologized to me and said things like, "I get it now! You made the right decision!"
Do NOT engage or react. Hold your head high. You know the TRUTH and that's what matters. Be a good person and mother for your children and life will reward you deeply.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
You know the truth, that's all that matters. I could totally see my AH doing this at our country club. The good news is, we don't have a lot of mutual friends thank goodness and I could care less what his buddies think of me.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting today. Hold your head high, take comfort in knowing that all will be revealed to others over time, and that you are stronger than you feel right now. Anyone who lives with active alcoholism or mental illness(or both) is so much stronger than they're given credit for. Hugs!
I'm so sorry that you are hurting today. Hold your head high, take comfort in knowing that all will be revealed to others over time, and that you are stronger than you feel right now. Anyone who lives with active alcoholism or mental illness(or both) is so much stronger than they're given credit for. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I couldn't agree more with the posters above. My experience is the same. XAH said after 28 years I was nuts, too judgmental, he wouldn't live that way any more, quack, quack, quack....a few "friends" (including my only sibling and a couple who are godparents of 2 of my kids) believe him. So do his law school buddies. I have let them ALL go because I can't control what they decide to do. Many people can see but don't want to deal with the truth. It's their loss. No need for a confrontation, just a quiet, unmistakeable severing of ties.
I sought out the people who love me for me, who are genuine, who get it. I made some new friends, and reconnected with others I had lost contact with because XAH didn't like them. I am rediscovering who I am and what I love to do.
All my XAH's aunts and uncles--in their 80's--told me to hold my head high. As the mom of 4 young adults, I'm still teaching my kids, so I've decided to show my kids how a person of faith and dignity responds when life doesn't go her way--not as a doormat (anymore) but with strength, hope and confidence for the future. I have much work to do on me and so will leave XAH and his buddies to do as they choose.
Posted at my desk is a sign-- "Karma: Those who hurt us will mess up and hurt themselves more....and if we're lucky, God will let us watch." And even if we don't get to watch, we will have lived our lives with truth and dignity, whatever anyone else decides to do. It's hard, but it gets easier with practice. Prayers and hugs from here for your peace.
I sought out the people who love me for me, who are genuine, who get it. I made some new friends, and reconnected with others I had lost contact with because XAH didn't like them. I am rediscovering who I am and what I love to do.
All my XAH's aunts and uncles--in their 80's--told me to hold my head high. As the mom of 4 young adults, I'm still teaching my kids, so I've decided to show my kids how a person of faith and dignity responds when life doesn't go her way--not as a doormat (anymore) but with strength, hope and confidence for the future. I have much work to do on me and so will leave XAH and his buddies to do as they choose.
Posted at my desk is a sign-- "Karma: Those who hurt us will mess up and hurt themselves more....and if we're lucky, God will let us watch." And even if we don't get to watch, we will have lived our lives with truth and dignity, whatever anyone else decides to do. It's hard, but it gets easier with practice. Prayers and hugs from here for your peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
For me the experience of separating and divorcing was a chance to learn how to believe in myself, what was good for me, and what was best for me. Learning to do this regardless of what others thought was painful but a great opportunity for growth.
Yes I had some hurts like this along the way. As they have healed it has also helped me to see often the hurts were the results of the impact of someone I cared about also having been impacted by alcohol use in their life....but not yet having found recovery. It helped me to remember that I for a long time lived in denial, and that regardless of how painful the loss of friends was the denial was more painful.
My therapist reminded me last week though if I had not had these experiences, and had not gone through it I might still be in the relationship. That was a shock to hear....and really helped me to understand the growth I have had and how bad it could have been.
That does not make it easy where you are. Hugs to you.
Yes I had some hurts like this along the way. As they have healed it has also helped me to see often the hurts were the results of the impact of someone I cared about also having been impacted by alcohol use in their life....but not yet having found recovery. It helped me to remember that I for a long time lived in denial, and that regardless of how painful the loss of friends was the denial was more painful.
My therapist reminded me last week though if I had not had these experiences, and had not gone through it I might still be in the relationship. That was a shock to hear....and really helped me to understand the growth I have had and how bad it could have been.
That does not make it easy where you are. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Lulu,
Stay strong. You know your truth and that is what matters.
We are all here for you.
.
Don't let his drunken lies diminish what an amazing person you really are.
Sending you good thoughts and plenty of hugs.
Stay strong. You know your truth and that is what matters.
We are all here for you.
. Don't let his drunken lies diminish what an amazing person you really are.
Sending you good thoughts and plenty of hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I'm sorry this has happened to you, yes as other people have mentioned their badmouthing you is just a way to save face, oh they wouldn't want to admit that they were the ones who caused most of the problems in the first place because denial is quite an elaborate defense mechanism. I can just see axbf saying angry things about me whilst swilling more booze with his friends.
Quack!
I'm sorry this has happened to you, yes as other people have mentioned their badmouthing you is just a way to save face, oh they wouldn't want to admit that they were the ones who caused most of the problems in the first place because denial is quite an elaborate defense mechanism. I can just see axbf saying angry things about me whilst swilling more booze with his friends.
Quack!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I love you. And I promise I don't mean that in a creepy way. Just that YES, I've been there. Every post, your AH has sounded like the twin of the one I divorced. So in a sad way it doesn't surprise me that he's manipulated people into thinking you're the b***h from hell.
And people who have not had experience of verbal and emotional abuse don't understand it. They think it only happens to weak people, and they think it's something that you can just "shake off" ("sticks and stones can break my bones" anyone?)
A DV counselor with 25 years in the business said she has heard from many abused women that physical and sexual abuse is easier to get over because you have evidence that it happened -- whereas emotional and verbal abuse, you keep second-guessing yourself whether it really was as bad as you thought or whether you're exaggerating, and so it's the effing gift that keeps on giving, because it screws with your mind to the point where it keeps you abusing yourself with the same thoughts long after the abuser is gone.
It's real. You were abused. And it hurts like hell when people act like you're the perpetrator. I've cut so many people out who took his side. We don't need them. Let them believe him and let them discover on their own his manipulative sociopathic tendencies.
Head held high. You WILL get through this. It hurts, but you will survive. Because you'll keep fighting for the kids. Because they're worth it. And so are you.
And people who have not had experience of verbal and emotional abuse don't understand it. They think it only happens to weak people, and they think it's something that you can just "shake off" ("sticks and stones can break my bones" anyone?)
A DV counselor with 25 years in the business said she has heard from many abused women that physical and sexual abuse is easier to get over because you have evidence that it happened -- whereas emotional and verbal abuse, you keep second-guessing yourself whether it really was as bad as you thought or whether you're exaggerating, and so it's the effing gift that keeps on giving, because it screws with your mind to the point where it keeps you abusing yourself with the same thoughts long after the abuser is gone.
It's real. You were abused. And it hurts like hell when people act like you're the perpetrator. I've cut so many people out who took his side. We don't need them. Let them believe him and let them discover on their own his manipulative sociopathic tendencies.
Head held high. You WILL get through this. It hurts, but you will survive. Because you'll keep fighting for the kids. Because they're worth it. And so are you.
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