Kimmieh

Someone on here recently told me to not awfulize and I realize that it's the bane of my existence...

ABF is still in NJ, I am still in Canada and this won't change anytime soon. I told him I can't give him any more money and have endured the angry outbursts without budging (yay me!). Now he is at a point where he won't accept anything from me (I need him to send me some of my mail and said I can Western Union the money to send it if needed and he said NO) and it's funny how immediately I think "he is punishing me!" I mean, perhaps he is just regaining a certain pride? Who knows.

When he does not contact me for days, I think either "something must have happened to him" or "he hates me and is punishing me." Maybe he was just preoccupied with Sandy (he is in NJ after all) and making money? I always assume the worst...

He is not homeless (as he predicted), his cousin did not kick him out, he is looking for an apartment, he has been sober every time we talked and I realize more and more how sick I was/am. He is doing just fine without me and as soon as he realized I won't be guilt-tripped into paying up and actually stand my ground, he has stopped asking AND has been a lot less angry lately (huh?). He has a lawyer, is taking care of his citizenship, looking for an apartment, a job, has a therapist, finally access to healthcare, is close to his family and gets to spend much valued time with his elderly and frail mother who he loves to death. And I have a stress-free environment and a quiet home.

And here I want us to be back where we were before the move because I am lonely? I have to admit, he seems better off without me for now...

I was sad that I can't go home to Europe for Christmas (flight and boarding for the dogs is just too expensive), but guess what! I will rent a condo on Hilton Head, escape the snow and cold, get my palm tree and beach fix, and watch my lovely pups frolick on the beach. I will take my sweet time driving down and back, see friends, and will escape this dreary place (I live in a pretty dreary are, unfortunately).

mmk11

I think at times that STBXAH is better off without me too. I see him and he's looking fit and handsome, taking the trips that we had planned together.

But then he opens his mouth. His anger and self pity seep from all his pores. His sly insults to me, his blame game, his manipulations, his control tactics. I see some glimpses of the man I fell in love with, and it sends me through heartbreak all over again. But they are mere glimpses.

"Stress-free environment and a quiet home" - love this. The whole mood of my home changed the day my A moved out.

SadHeart

Who cares if he's better off without you.

You sound like you are better off without him.

Tuffgirl

My thought exactly!

And the thing is - he is doing now the things you wanted him to do to begin with. Instead of thinking he is "better off" without you, how about being grateful he has seemed to pull his butt out of the bottle and take the necessary steps to have a life of his own?

My ex says he is "peaceful and purposeful" now that we are divorced. I never once thought he was better off without me. I actually think he probably does better on his own, without the stress of a relationship and family to deal with. At this point in his life, it seems this kind of lifestyle suits him. Ok, well then, divorce was the right thing to do, right?

I think this is an easy perspective shift you can make, instead of thinking somehow it is all about you. Try not to fall into the trap of taking things on that don't belong to you...that is a nowhere trip.

MsPINKAcres

not to be rude or mean - but maybe it has nothing to do with you?

Maybe it has to do with him finally finding the strength, self-respect and love within himself to do The Next Right Thing ~

what a blessing for everyone ~

this means that you can do the same for you ~ which it sounds like you are doing a great job starting that path ~

enjoy the beach!

PINK HUGS,

Kimmieh

I chose the title because I was always hooked by that thought "what is he going to do without me?", so this is actually more about me and the (at least current) liberation from that self-imposed pressure.

ZiggyB

Maybe he has just realized he has to take care of himself without you around to take care of him? Good for you for not lending him money. You also don't know how sober he is all of the time since he isn't around. I wonder why you still feel the need to be keeping in contact with him? Do you want to rekindle the relationship? If not perhaps it would be less painful to stop talking to him altogether.

I know I am much better off without my axbf although I loved him... my life is so much more peaceful, I am stable. I don't miss his stupid friends sucking up all of my time. I am lonely at times too which gets sad. Maybe you'll meet someone new?

TakingCharge999

Kimmieh
When I was having the hardest times you always offered me support. I will never forget it! I am very grateful and I wish all the best for you. Enjoy your condo!