New Man Two Weeks Out Of Rehab
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm sorry to say...
...that what she did was completely consistent with what alcoholics do. What's critically important for you right now is for you to switch your focus from her to yourself so you can understand why you did what you did, what you feel as you do, and how not to replicate this situation in the future. Alanon can help you-- it helped me when I did many of the same things you did.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
When I started this thread I mentioned that my XAGF family does not contact me anymore.
I have been trying to sort out my emotions with this.
And then today at an Al Anon meeting it all became clear to me.
Her family had no idea of the extent of her problem. They all live out of state.
And she always managed to remain sober around them.
The first time they became aware was when I called them to let them know that I had just admitted their daughter into a detox facility.
Within two days all of the family arrived totally relying on me to fill them in on what had happened.
They were shocked.
I had thought about calling them many times before, but knew that was not for me to do.
When they all returned home they told me what a blessing I was to their family.
And how grateful they were they that they could trust their daughter's well being in my hands.
I would call them every week after seeing my XAGF in family group at rehab.
I became an intricate part of their family.
Cut to today, my XAGF told her family that her and I have gone through so much intensity in the past year that we need to take a break so that she can concentrate on her sobriety.
Of course lying about the real reason that she found a new man.
So once again lying, deceiving and keeping secrets from her family.
Am I supposed to let her family know what is going on?
Or do I let them find out when her life becomes a disaster again?
And are my motives pure? Or are they out of spite?
I have been all twisted up in sorting out my feelings.
Guilt, ego, anger and love.
I shared all this at an Al Anon meeting.
Two different women who are mothers of addicts come up to me after the meeting to let me know that I owe the families nothing.
I had already gone far and above what anyone could expect of me.
The only one I owe anything to is me.
They said take care of yourself.
Your XAGF is her families problem now.
Hearing this come from the mothers of addicts made all the difference in the world.
A giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Her and her family are "none of my business."
They said work your program strong.
Because as everyone says she will be back.
Especially if she relapses she will not want to once again disappoint her family.
She will need you. And will tell you anything she thinks will get you to take her back.
I hope that does not happen.
But if it does, I have Al Anon.
Thank God for Al Anon.
Time and time again it steps in to save my life.
I have been trying to sort out my emotions with this.
And then today at an Al Anon meeting it all became clear to me.
Her family had no idea of the extent of her problem. They all live out of state.
And she always managed to remain sober around them.
The first time they became aware was when I called them to let them know that I had just admitted their daughter into a detox facility.
Within two days all of the family arrived totally relying on me to fill them in on what had happened.
They were shocked.
I had thought about calling them many times before, but knew that was not for me to do.
When they all returned home they told me what a blessing I was to their family.
And how grateful they were they that they could trust their daughter's well being in my hands.
I would call them every week after seeing my XAGF in family group at rehab.
I became an intricate part of their family.
Cut to today, my XAGF told her family that her and I have gone through so much intensity in the past year that we need to take a break so that she can concentrate on her sobriety.
Of course lying about the real reason that she found a new man.
So once again lying, deceiving and keeping secrets from her family.
Am I supposed to let her family know what is going on?
Or do I let them find out when her life becomes a disaster again?
And are my motives pure? Or are they out of spite?
I have been all twisted up in sorting out my feelings.
Guilt, ego, anger and love.
I shared all this at an Al Anon meeting.
Two different women who are mothers of addicts come up to me after the meeting to let me know that I owe the families nothing.
I had already gone far and above what anyone could expect of me.
The only one I owe anything to is me.
They said take care of yourself.
Your XAGF is her families problem now.
Hearing this come from the mothers of addicts made all the difference in the world.
A giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Her and her family are "none of my business."
They said work your program strong.
Because as everyone says she will be back.
Especially if she relapses she will not want to once again disappoint her family.
She will need you. And will tell you anything she thinks will get you to take her back.
I hope that does not happen.
But if it does, I have Al Anon.
Thank God for Al Anon.
Time and time again it steps in to save my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Here are some tips for keeping the "drunken monkey" from chattering endlessly in your ear. This is obsession, part of codependency. Alcoholics use the bottle, we use other people. It is torture and it will pass, I promise.
Keep as busy as possible and minimize time alone. Fast walking helps slow the mind down so head around the block. Talk to your sponsor. Of course you don't want this person living rent-free in your head.
Keep as busy as possible and minimize time alone. Fast walking helps slow the mind down so head around the block. Talk to your sponsor. Of course you don't want this person living rent-free in your head.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi soexhausted.
I recently visited my exabf mother with his approval.
I wanted to see her & also clear the air.
I asked if she knew of our split & told her I couldn't handle the drinking anymore.
She told me she knew he was an alcoholic. She said his Dad (her husband) was a big drinker but not to the same extent as her son. (I think she's in denial as sure he too was an alcoholic & treated his son like dirt). I had talked to her a few months back when he went into detox in my care. She never mentioned at that stage she thought he was an alcoholic but we have discussed the drinking a couple of times & she said she was on my side.
The fact that she acknowledged he is an alcoholic meant a lot to me.
She went on to say that he thought a lot of me but that he had moved on.
I have no idea what that meant & its just created doubt as to if he has another partner but I'm trying not to think about it.
I left feeling better for seeing her & worse because I had the doubt.
I was also in touch with As brother a lot over the past year & we spoke of the alcoholism & what we could do. Basically I did the most, more than the family.
I almost see now that the family have given up on his drinking. They've probably accepted it. He is 51 (I am quite a bit younger).
Hes lived with his mother for the past year or so & every time she goes away he hits the bottle bad. She doesn't know this.
I feel robbed that I tried so hard to help & lost him.
I know that's just part of it & it is hard.
I heard later that the mother was thrilled that me & the kids had visited her.
She is 85.
Hugs to you, one day at a time my friend.
I recently visited my exabf mother with his approval.
I wanted to see her & also clear the air.
I asked if she knew of our split & told her I couldn't handle the drinking anymore.
She told me she knew he was an alcoholic. She said his Dad (her husband) was a big drinker but not to the same extent as her son. (I think she's in denial as sure he too was an alcoholic & treated his son like dirt). I had talked to her a few months back when he went into detox in my care. She never mentioned at that stage she thought he was an alcoholic but we have discussed the drinking a couple of times & she said she was on my side.
The fact that she acknowledged he is an alcoholic meant a lot to me.
She went on to say that he thought a lot of me but that he had moved on.
I have no idea what that meant & its just created doubt as to if he has another partner but I'm trying not to think about it.
I left feeling better for seeing her & worse because I had the doubt.
I was also in touch with As brother a lot over the past year & we spoke of the alcoholism & what we could do. Basically I did the most, more than the family.
I almost see now that the family have given up on his drinking. They've probably accepted it. He is 51 (I am quite a bit younger).
Hes lived with his mother for the past year or so & every time she goes away he hits the bottle bad. She doesn't know this.
I feel robbed that I tried so hard to help & lost him.
I know that's just part of it & it is hard.
I heard later that the mother was thrilled that me & the kids had visited her.
She is 85.
Hugs to you, one day at a time my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thanks Rosiepetal and MadeOfGlass,
The realization that I owe nothing to her family allows me to take one more step towards complete severance from my XAGF.
It is a shame that I needed to get conformation from two mothers at Al Anon that I owed her family nothing.
But those of us in this position can become so entangled, enmeshed and enabling in the alcoholics life that we can no longer trust our own judgment.
The more strings that I cut detaching me from my XAGF and her family the closer that I get to finally letting go.
To one day living a happier healthier life without her in it.
The realization that I owe nothing to her family allows me to take one more step towards complete severance from my XAGF.
It is a shame that I needed to get conformation from two mothers at Al Anon that I owed her family nothing.
But those of us in this position can become so entangled, enmeshed and enabling in the alcoholics life that we can no longer trust our own judgment.
The more strings that I cut detaching me from my XAGF and her family the closer that I get to finally letting go.
To one day living a happier healthier life without her in it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
To one day living a happier healthier life without her in it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi soexhausted,
(I might ramble.)
How are you today?
I lived something relatively similar.
Mourning a romantic relationship is hard. Then add alcoholism to the mix. Then add knowing they are with someone else right away. To me it felt like a punch in the face, a kick in my gut and finally a back stab.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty and individual therapy with someone familiar with alcoholism/codependency made a huge difference for me. I looked for it YEARS after I was hurt! I wallowed in sadness and hurt for a long time.
You are doing so much better than how I was doing then. Healing takes time.
I posted and posted here about XABF and about my feelings. At one point I got exhausted and started to focus on myself instead. You are free here to talk about anything you need to talk about. Its a process..
As someone who went by "GiveLove" told me (paraphrasing): your worth is not measured by someone thinking about you or not thinking about you at one moment in time.
Try not to imagine "their life" and use it to hurt yourself. I spent too much time doing this. It is not worth it.
Take care. This person might try to contact you again. Why not block her already? Block her emails, her cell phone, erase the pictures... for me this process took MONTHS as well, and I kept trying to "fix things"with the XABF
I only got more hurt, again and again. No Contact was a huge healer and made me start feeling I was in control and could start choosing who I wanted in MY life. (I had always accepted crumbs and anyone who gave me any attention, in my state of need)
All the best,
Tc999
PS It has been 4 years for me. Life gets much better. You feel as if you will never recover, but you do. I know I will never again feel as alone as I felt when I was with XABF. Drunk or not, I also concluded it was not the alcohol who changed him , alcohol only made him show who he really was, without constraints. We have to learn, forgive (not only others but ourselves, for accepting unacceptable treatment) and keep on walking.
(I might ramble.)
How are you today?
I lived something relatively similar.
Mourning a romantic relationship is hard. Then add alcoholism to the mix. Then add knowing they are with someone else right away. To me it felt like a punch in the face, a kick in my gut and finally a back stab.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty and individual therapy with someone familiar with alcoholism/codependency made a huge difference for me. I looked for it YEARS after I was hurt! I wallowed in sadness and hurt for a long time.
You are doing so much better than how I was doing then. Healing takes time.
I posted and posted here about XABF and about my feelings. At one point I got exhausted and started to focus on myself instead. You are free here to talk about anything you need to talk about. Its a process..
As someone who went by "GiveLove" told me (paraphrasing): your worth is not measured by someone thinking about you or not thinking about you at one moment in time.
Try not to imagine "their life" and use it to hurt yourself. I spent too much time doing this. It is not worth it.
Take care. This person might try to contact you again. Why not block her already? Block her emails, her cell phone, erase the pictures... for me this process took MONTHS as well, and I kept trying to "fix things"with the XABF
I only got more hurt, again and again. No Contact was a huge healer and made me start feeling I was in control and could start choosing who I wanted in MY life. (I had always accepted crumbs and anyone who gave me any attention, in my state of need)All the best,
Tc999
PS It has been 4 years for me. Life gets much better. You feel as if you will never recover, but you do. I know I will never again feel as alone as I felt when I was with XABF. Drunk or not, I also concluded it was not the alcohol who changed him , alcohol only made him show who he really was, without constraints. We have to learn, forgive (not only others but ourselves, for accepting unacceptable treatment) and keep on walking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you for the words TakingCharge999,
It is so hard not to take their actions personally.
You know they are sick. And their actions have nothing to do with us.
But it doesn't seem to make it any easier.
She is a 34 year old woman. She is not a kid.
And to be declaring her love for a man two weeks after meeting him is not the thought process of a rational person.
Me missing my life with her is not the thought process of a rational person as well.
I guess one of the hardest parts of this for me to deal with is as I posted earlier just four days before she told me about him she told me how much she loved me. And how special I am to her.
I thought that this was going to be a turning point for us.
For the first time in our relationship she was telling me these things after many days of sobriety.
So to go from that to "I'm out of here" was just gut wrenching.
I was used to this type of sporadic behavior when she was drinking, but I guess I clung on to the false hope that the behavior would change once sober.
She will probably fall out of love with new guy just as quickly as she fell in love. (Or until she replaces him with another addiction.)
Although being that he is another alcoholic he could fall out of love with her first.
They will stay together as long as their addiction to each other fulfills their need.
But their relationship cannot be my concern.
I must really try to put the focus on me.
I have started reading Codependent No More.
And as I have stated before I cannot praise Al Anon enough.
The love, comfort and support that I have received is incredible.
One day I will look back on all this and think "what the hell was I thinking to be with that woman?"
It is so hard not to take their actions personally.
You know they are sick. And their actions have nothing to do with us.
But it doesn't seem to make it any easier.
She is a 34 year old woman. She is not a kid.
And to be declaring her love for a man two weeks after meeting him is not the thought process of a rational person.
Me missing my life with her is not the thought process of a rational person as well.
I guess one of the hardest parts of this for me to deal with is as I posted earlier just four days before she told me about him she told me how much she loved me. And how special I am to her.
I thought that this was going to be a turning point for us.
For the first time in our relationship she was telling me these things after many days of sobriety.
So to go from that to "I'm out of here" was just gut wrenching.
I was used to this type of sporadic behavior when she was drinking, but I guess I clung on to the false hope that the behavior would change once sober.
She will probably fall out of love with new guy just as quickly as she fell in love. (Or until she replaces him with another addiction.)
Although being that he is another alcoholic he could fall out of love with her first.
They will stay together as long as their addiction to each other fulfills their need.
But their relationship cannot be my concern.
I must really try to put the focus on me.
I have started reading Codependent No More.
And as I have stated before I cannot praise Al Anon enough.
The love, comfort and support that I have received is incredible.
One day I will look back on all this and think "what the hell was I thinking to be with that woman?"
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have found that while I was living and operating "in a relationship," they (we're talking 3 different guys) weren't. What they are doing, even though they speak our language and often go along with their role in the relationship, is conforming to the minimum requirements so that we continue to caretake and enable. When we begin to get healthy and stop enabling and care taking, they do not like this. When we insist they seek help and stop drinking and drugging, REALLY insist, they move on. Often they will engage with someone just like them. To take it personally, to believe their leaving has anything to do with us or our worth, is allowing the disease to continue to control us.
Trust me, this last go-round I had, I was in complete and utter shock for a long time. All the years of ESH I had did nothing for me at that point. I was dumbfounded. And I listened to his words, his blaming, his scapegoating me, and I was so hurt. It was as if my heart had been torn in two.
It took me a long time to figure out that it's like they live in some parallel universe. We live with and interact with them but their brains do not sense, perceive, and feel what we do. Their M.O. Is completely different than ours. While ours is love and mutual support and commitment, their's is drinking, drugging, partying, being taken care of, etc.
It's best to let them go, learn how to build healthy boundaries and practice doing so, and avoid these folks in the future.
Remember, Alcoholics don't HAVE relationships, they take hostages. And Dolly is right, this person you describe will be back. They always come back. Best to be prepared and have a plan.
Take care. Keep goin back, it works if you work it.
Trust me, this last go-round I had, I was in complete and utter shock for a long time. All the years of ESH I had did nothing for me at that point. I was dumbfounded. And I listened to his words, his blaming, his scapegoating me, and I was so hurt. It was as if my heart had been torn in two.
It took me a long time to figure out that it's like they live in some parallel universe. We live with and interact with them but their brains do not sense, perceive, and feel what we do. Their M.O. Is completely different than ours. While ours is love and mutual support and commitment, their's is drinking, drugging, partying, being taken care of, etc.
It's best to let them go, learn how to build healthy boundaries and practice doing so, and avoid these folks in the future.
Remember, Alcoholics don't HAVE relationships, they take hostages. And Dolly is right, this person you describe will be back. They always come back. Best to be prepared and have a plan.
Take care. Keep goin back, it works if you work it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you Learn2Live,
Twice before she has left me. And each time I was told she will be back.
And I thought no way, this time she is gone for good.
And both times she came back.
Now in those days she was drinking.
Now things are different. She is sober. She has a new boyfriend.
And she has loads of support in her new sober community.
But I am told by people with experience that the only difference this might make is that it could take her a little longer to come back.
You are where she has always gone.
She will be back.
So this time I am going to take everyone's word for it that she is not done with me yet.
Each time before I was not prepared for her return. So I was not strong and took her back when she did.
I must work a strong program.
I must take care of myself.
I am powerless over her. I am not powerless over me.
Twice before she has left me. And each time I was told she will be back.
And I thought no way, this time she is gone for good.
And both times she came back.
Now in those days she was drinking.
Now things are different. She is sober. She has a new boyfriend.
And she has loads of support in her new sober community.
But I am told by people with experience that the only difference this might make is that it could take her a little longer to come back.
You are where she has always gone.
She will be back.
So this time I am going to take everyone's word for it that she is not done with me yet.
Each time before I was not prepared for her return. So I was not strong and took her back when she did.
I must work a strong program.
I must take care of myself.
I am powerless over her. I am not powerless over me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by soexhausted
I must work a strong program.
I must take care of myself.
I am powerless over her. I am not powerless over me.
I must take care of myself.
I am powerless over her. I am not powerless over me.
And remind yourself of what you have to offer some nice, emotionally healthy woman who will appreciate it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
IME, two alcoholics, fresh out of a recovery program = drinking. Of course, I have no magic crystal ball, but I'm willing to bet they've already started drinking.
While making your plan for how you will act when she returns, keep in mind, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Stay strong. You're doing great.
While making your plan for how you will act when she returns, keep in mind, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Stay strong. You're doing great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
I know she is not drinking because she would be kicked out of the sober living facility.
But she always was pretty good at hiding it.
What the counselor told me is what often happens in this situation is that the two lovebirds get tired of the curfews.
Tired of having to spend so much time away from each other.
And frustrated that they cannot have sleepovers.
That is when they come up with the brilliant idea that they need to check out of sober living and get their own place.
Once they move in together that is when fantasy turns into reality and it all blows up.
Usually followed by relapse.
As far as I know she could have already moved out of sober living.
I guess the all blows up is where I will come in.
I CAN NO LONGER BE THERE TO PUT OUT THE FIRE!
But she always was pretty good at hiding it.
What the counselor told me is what often happens in this situation is that the two lovebirds get tired of the curfews.
Tired of having to spend so much time away from each other.
And frustrated that they cannot have sleepovers.
That is when they come up with the brilliant idea that they need to check out of sober living and get their own place.
Once they move in together that is when fantasy turns into reality and it all blows up.
Usually followed by relapse.
As far as I know she could have already moved out of sober living.
I guess the all blows up is where I will come in.
I CAN NO LONGER BE THERE TO PUT OUT THE FIRE!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You know the joke that's really not a joke: How can you tell an alcoholic is lying?
Their lips are moving.
And you're right, I doubt very seriously that you were born to serve as someone's savior, to provide a reckless person a soft place to land, a person who takes someone back no matter how much that person lies, cheats and hurts you. I know I wasn't. My question is, why do I keep inviting these people into my life?
Their lips are moving.
And you're right, I doubt very seriously that you were born to serve as someone's savior, to provide a reckless person a soft place to land, a person who takes someone back no matter how much that person lies, cheats and hurts you. I know I wasn't. My question is, why do I keep inviting these people into my life?
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